my presence

When i walk into a room it's like a shatering earthquake has disrupted whatever was going on until that moment. I hate it when this happens but it always does. It's like i bring a heavy and suffacating tension into the room. People always seem uncomfortable and either they leave or i can't take it any longer and i have to leave. What does this mean. I'm bad at conversation so unless i have something specific to say it's always awkward and uncomfortable with whoever enters my bubble, even if i don't know them....especially if i don't know them. Someone fix me please...

Hi JayL -- Welcome to the forums.

Are you comfortable with yourself? IMO, that is the place to start to "fix" things. It may require working with a therapist, may lead to taking a med for anxiety.

For me, in addition to T & meds, prayer has helped, and getting involved with spiritual groups where people are less judgmental. And lastly, just plain old getting older has helped me to become more comfortable with myself and therefore, with others.

I understand your misery, however. I can look at family movies of myself as a kid and my public misery is so obvious, I wince.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JayL))))))))))))))))))))))))

JAY: I might need to know more about the specifics of the situation, before I can make meaningful commentary on it.

However, because group dynamics are already present (no matter where) when either a known or an unknown person appears --- I'll take a stab at answering the question.

People who have momentum, who are going about their own business, who don't seem to wish to interrupt, and who don't appear to be curious onlookers or busybodies --- seem more "natural" and create less apprehension or guardedness among those who were already comfortably part of a particular setting.

Hmmm. Maybe that was a little long-winded. I probably meant to say that one needs to quietly blend in, even if merely passing through a room. Self-consciousness and the art of blending in are mortal enemies.

Can you imagine Sherlock Holmes, hot on the trail of a suspect, being "self-conscious" while he is scanning the carpet for signs of ashes? Of course not! He's in his element. And, no matter who's in the room, they will calmly accept him soon enough because he is not "out of place." He is utterly confident, about his business, being himself.

I think, even if one were removing a dead body from a room, one could act either way --- with self-consciousness or with grace and confidence, and with a sort of built-in respect for whatever people already had going in that room before one entered it.

Remember....the people in a room have their own private universe until you walk in. Never presume to join it. Choose a path, to the food, or the drinks, or to the brochures, to the loo, or even to the exit. Stay on that path. Don't approach them. People have an unconscious trust of the self-contained. So that is your task, it seems to me, to become self-contained.

If you go into that room at all, know why you're there. Did you drop by to say hello to X? Did you pop in to congratulate Y on his recent success? Do those good things, while you are blending in quickly and quietly. Then leave. People will get very used to you very soon.

And, of course, you are not a tale-bearer, a gossip, a trasher of others, loud and attention-seeking, or someone who walks up to groups and makes it difficult or impossible for them to continue their conversation in your presence --- eh? No, I'm sure you're none of those. So you will succeed in getting people used to you easily. And in getting yourself used to being in your own skin.

Adieu

Hi, thanks for all the replies, i'm beggining to understand there is much more involved in the setting then what i had thought. I always thought that it was me personaly made them uncomfortable and anxious, which may still be true, but it may also be how i feel about myself or what i'm projecting out that may be more of a problem. thanks again- J>L

Wow Adieu, that's amazing advise that I'm going to have to copy and print out if it's okay cause this topic applies to me. Jay, I have a similar problem and I'm wondering if maybe this sounds familiar to you. I feel the same way when I am in similar situations. When I reflect back on the events of an outing with others, especially when I don't know many of them well, I begin to see exactly where things went wrong... because they always do and I end up looking like a jack ***. I find that I do one of two things and I do them because I am overly eager to be accepted and liked. One thing I do is over compensate for my shyness by talking a lot and trying to be the life of the party... which is very wearing on people as Adieu so very well described especially when out with a group that's already well established. The other thing I do is clam up and hope that someone will take an interest in me and make an effort to get to know me... you know, by asking me questions about who I am, what I do, hobbies, etc. In my head this allows me to only say what that person wants to hear and nothing more. It's supposed to keep my mouth in check but it never works that way. Jay, thank you so much for posting this and Adieu, thanks you so much for insightful reply. You just taught me a few VERY valuable lessons. This could benefit those in the self esteem forum as well.

Ryan

Hi Jayl,

This is one of my worst triggers of all time, and it's good to face up to it and share it.

In my case the room was in my childhood home and the people were my birth family. Sometimes I would walk into the living room unexpectedly and I would see them quickly stop talking.

I wondered about paranoia, but deep down I knew they were talking about me, and that it wasn't good. Years later, at my mother's funeral, a distant cousin told me the truth, just straight out.

She said, "Your mother and father didn't know you at all. Your brother is a sweetie, but you were always the moody and estranged one."

I couldn't believe that I was hearing this from a cousin, obviously the whole family had been in on my story, all except me! I knew that I had never been easily included within my birth family, but I had pretended to myself that it wasn't so bad. Of course, it all fell into place talking to the cousin, and my painful childhood experiences made sense.

Sometimes, if you feel alienated from your family, it's a delusion of illness, and sometimes it's just plain real.

One more thing, if you folks can handle the pain. About a year before my mother died, I visited her in the family home, about 100 miles from where I live. Things seemed more than usually uncomfortable, and the house was very tidy, and she had got rid of her dog. After a couple of days I asked her about this and she told me that she was moving away in the next couple of days to live with my brother. It was all arranged and they hadn't told me!!! Two days later and I might have turned up at an empty house.

I said that it was OK, but of course I was dying inside. I only saw my mother one more time after this. She was in a care home. In her bedroom there were pictures of my brother and his family, but no pictures of me.

That's maybe five years ago and I have had no contact from any of the remaining birth family since then, and I guess I never will.

My friends and my own little family tell me that I'm a kind and caring person. I get on fine with my wife's family.

I've had some counselling but never shared this stuff before, I just couldn't get it out. I often hide behind being intellectual but this stuff is just pain, icy cold pain.

Thanks Jayl, for prompting this shift for me. I know it's not much help to you just now, but your thread (and the safety of psych central) has allowed this stuff to come out.

Cheers, Myzen.

Myzen, sounds good, i'm surprised and proud at the same time that my post could be of such help. I had no idea this is where it would head when i wrote it but thanks, i really apreciate your complement.
Also i can relate to your relationships with your family. I was adopted so i don't know any of my real birth family, except my siser whom i've grown up with. And out of the all the kids in the family it seemed like i was your version of yourself. I seemed to be the topic of conversation, and unfortionatly the target of critisism and ridicule. I don't necessarily believe that was a bad thing but i know what your going through. Unfortionatly i'm now realizing that my sister went through something that could be considered worse, and that's just plain being over looked and forgotten about. I can't seem to feel bad about my situation when i know that she probably went/is going through something I never even thought about much. Thanks and good luck - J>L

Myzen -- I feel for you. That story about your mom moving, and later having no pictures of you -- is criminally abusive. I am sad for you.

I admire you for being able to share that with us here. I feel privileged by your trust.

Myzen, that's a horrid story and I'm sorry that you've had to suffer so much. You are a very kind and caring person. It's amazing how something like a thread can help in such deep ways. Jay, you should pat the hell out of your back. And so should you Myzen. It's tough to let out stuff that's been buried for years. Congrats pal. I am proud of you for letting this out. Truely a brave thing to do.

Ryan

Hi Jayl, Wants, Ryan..

Thanks for support.

Jayl,

Sorry to dump so hard on your thread but that big furball just had to come out, there and then!

I've been at Psych Central for six months now, and bit by bit the sad stuff has been cleared out. The good news? That's the lot - there's no more of that story in there. Thank God.

Jayl, your original post was about the experience of feeling left out, your presence being unwanted. Well I'd like you to know that you have done me a power of good and I thoroughly appreciate your presence.

I hope you'll stick around.

Cheers, Myzen.

great line of posts thanks for sharing... I love that we can look at this stuff look at the whole beast without knowing for sure what to do about it but learning as we go... In a strange way I think it is beautiful that we all know these struggles and this pain that in the we dimension of existence there is this miraculous resonance of commom understanding and common trials and common experience as we slay this dragon called life. Also really liked adieuolivaw post as it spoke so much to the autonomy/assertion communion balance that I believe is so important... Myzen story on other hand is just sheer pain and opening to the slings and arrows of outragious fortune... Nothing to do here but sit with the resonant pain in myself that I feel upon listening... This pain, the hurt self, is a definate component of everyone period... I sit with the evoked resonant hurt in myself . William James said awareness in itself is curative..

my dear...you don't need fixing....you just havent found the right room yet.....much love....grace

Myzen & others -- Rereading the last part of the thread and more recent posts made me start thinking several things:

1. about people who are willing to take on the dragons and demonstrate real depth in their posts.

2. & then, what are my hidden hurts that keep me tethered to my limitations and pain. Suddenly one popped into my head. When I was in grade school, we'd have our photos taken for the class photo and individually. They'd be sent home for the parent to decide whether to purchase any for home scrapbooks. My mother would buy my brother's photos because he was a smiley, happy boy. But she wouldn't buy mine. I was a serious girl and she'd explain that I didn't photograph well -- true to this day. But can you imagine how hurtful that was to a little girl? Parents can be so hurtful without meaning it. Just ignorance really.

for all who suffered throughout our entire childhood or just through parts of it....i offer unconditional support and love. i know that all of our experiences are different but in a way..it's all the same. we suffered in a place, where most of all, we should have been safe and nurtured. and that we've ended up here, together, and we're able to listen and offer support is a miracle. the fact that if we ask a question and we get an answer and then we act upon it, so that we'll grow...that's just down right WONDERFUL...you've all added to my day! love, pat