Rejection Sensitivity

I just want to add something I just looked up to try to help linda
"in a similar vein, one of the most common complaints of people seeking emotional counseling is that they feel rejected. They feel that nobody really likes, that nobody cares for them, or that everybody is overly critical of them. Often they will feel that this is doubly unfair because they basically like everybody. They feel that they pretty much lack any rejecting tendencies in themselves. They bend over backwards to be friendly and uncritical of others. But these are exactly the two distinguishing marks of projection: you lack the trrait, everybody else has lots of it. But as every child knows "it takes one to know one" The person who feels everyone is rejecting them is really one who is totally unaware of his own tendencies to reject and criticize others. These tendencies could be a minor aspect of his personality, but if his is unaware of them, he will project them on everybody he see and knows. This multiplies the original impulse, and so the world begins to look ominously critical of him in proportions that are simply not there. The point, true of all projections, is that some people may indeed be very critical of you. But this won't overwhelm you unless you add to their criticism your own projected criticism. Thus anytime you feel intense feelings of inferiority and rejection, it would be wise to look first for a projection, and admit that you can be a little bit more critical of the world then you know." (ken wilber no boundary pg.96)...

Wise words to remember for all of us probably... any way just as an addition to my exhortation to stand up I highly reccommend exercise walking jogging weightlifting or some sort of all body tensing (whatever) which exercises our assertion and has so many other benefits.... As far as Linda it might be that you are rejecting him before he can reject you....(in order to protect yourself from rejection intimacy getting trampled hurt) (or feeling hurt and thinking he would be inadequate to you pain anyways so you punish him push him away reject him)... Also in this dynamic it seems like maybe testing his love... I am hurt no one loves me you love me but I feel unworthy and black so I will push even you away and stay in this feeling that is all I really know....it is safe and strangely comfortable... means I wont have to break through my shell and step into the unkown... it is a defense... Only reason I have any clue (maybe) as to what you are talking about is because I do or have done same thing.... I will have to ponder this some more though...

Hi Yinperson,

I'm interested in what you say about projection, which I have always found difficult to understand and you have really helped me - thanks. It might be simplified by thinking that if we are angry we tend to see anger in others, if we are happy we tend to see happiness in others.

One simple exercise that I do (I've mentioned this before somewhere) is to take a walk in town. When I see someone I don't know I smile at them and say 'Good morning' or 'Nice day today'. 90% of the time the person will smile back and say something nice. Even if they have been a bit self absorbed they will snap out of it and be polite. But some people, very few, are just gruff and ignore me or give me a hard look.

Now, the point of the exercise is to fully experience the encounter with polite people and the gruff people. For this to work, the people need to be strangers, so that there is no history between us. To them I'm just a friendly citizen, being polite.

The key here, is that I try to feel their response, and add nothing of my own. If they are polite, it's not my issue and if they are gruff, it's not my issue. I find that doing this exercise now and then reminds me that people are often just the way THEY are and that is not always my responsibility. I'm not to blame for those gruff ones, it's their call.

So refreshing.

Cheers, Myzen.

PS - Of course lots of factors could effect an exercise like this, so I'm not claiming that it's science, just a helpful way to get outside my own issues for a while.

i've been a member of al-anon for years and one of the first things i learned was about projection.....seems that we might not be as important to everyone as we think we are and they might not be noticing or rejecting us at all....i've kept this close and i can deal better when i go back to it.....

I guess for me the real issue here is not rejection sensitivity... Even to say this to me gives too much power to others... I own my own autonomy too much...I do not allow myself to be ever swept away. I stand up for myself always... (unless for some political reason it is unwise of not efficacious to do so) And if I am in too far over my head for the moment i don't drown myself I just retreat for the time being and marshall my forces.... For me the real issue I was talking about with raw vulnerability was more related to going beyond my safety zone into the unknown... I definately have very expansive explorative "astronaut" dispostion combined with sensitivity... The vulnerabilty I talk about can happen when I have spent a lot of time alone for a couple of days. For whatever reasons I can tend to lose ground a little and I feel open to the utterly naked vastness and bigness and aliveness (and insecurity as the condition of this aliveness) of the moment...(I sense the largeness of life happening everywhere in all the billions of people (or at least the ones I see or think about in my awareness at this time and in this state this is enough) each with their own drama and life and all happening in this naked moment) (Life itself in its naked existence just hits me hard... that it is really happening... (I have also been meditating for years and this is definately a factor to opening like this ) This is the vulnerabilty I am talking about-- (what is my connection to this world that I am in or if I am clearer that I find within my own awareness) For me this is always the issue... steping into the unknown embracing change and necessary insecurity as the creative condition of life... This also can come to the fore around others... But for me not sure if rejection sensitivity (though maybe in a way) Being with others (strangers especially) challenges us to live in the moment without a net without sure rules or compass or not sure of rules you do have pushing the edge.... This edge is where life really creatively happens...I am not afraid of rejection I am afraid of life...and so is the other person... though some are better fliers then others.... and this is exactly how it is and should be as the very condition of life's creativity... I am allowing this more and more in my life...embracing and welcoming fear allowing it totally and not looking away... Looking at it totally and allowing it to creatively transform me into a creative solution or movement... pushing the edge living in the unknown playing by ear... much more growthful and satisying... I think many conditions and emotional psychological problems stem from the fear of really living (living at this necessarily insecure edge). Instead of living it is safer to stay with what we know... We fear this necessary condition of life and hence we never learn to fly... this is where all the action is for me now.. Learning to fly...Which necessarily means leaving the nest behind and responding/adapting to conditions of life as they present themselves fully embraced in the moment... (and its beautiful and flowing when we hit it when we hit flow in flying) This is what flying is... When I shut down it is closing down this awesome awareness and necessarily insecure creativity which can be overwhelming sometimes... (too much turbulence- too mcuh newness - too fast etc..) This is the time to slow down and pull back a bit for a bit in an adaptive rather than maladaptive manner.... For me meditation=best centering when gets too much too fast change etc.. When I was little the big deal was to be swimming in the deep end of the pool... Thats where I am right now and it is very exciting but sometimes insecure... swimming in the deep end without a full net...

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

Well I wrote the above very tired and without enough space to see whole clearly... Today (before I logged on) I felt some rejection sensitivity in thinking I had overstepped myself.. Displayed too much assertion... Maybe probably I did... no responses so perhaps "rejected" somewhat here... This is fine and good if it is so or if it is not... My own rejection sensitivity here helps me correct my flying course with other people, because there is flying alone sometimes and there is flying with other people... Flying with other people is where rejection sensitivity comes in... Ellis who I talked about earlier in his book" How to control your anxiety before controls you " Spoke of a client of his who was overly boisterous as a child... too much on the assertion side of the street without listening sensitively to her communions with the group... Therefore she overstepped the "line" so to speak and was, I guess, rejected... now at a certain age belongings needs come to the fore as we adjust to our social surround... To be rejected is to be plunged into pit of isolation/devestation drowning because not getting needs met... In order that this rejection never happen again this woman into young adulthood (who was formerly a little too outgoing and mischievous etc.) became extremely timid... You see she did not want to be "punished" again... It was too painful... She became overly sensitive with herself and avoided social contact etc. etc. etc. (rejection sensitivity) Well ellis always prescribes homework in sensitization... He had the woman do such things as take her pet banana (i.e. something others would think is crazy strange bizarre etc.) for a walk (in front of others etc.)... She became progressively more at ease with herself and became acculturated into normal adult relations no longer fearing a replaying of the devastating rejection (isolated from getting needs met) tape of childhood.... When I was looking at this this morning lots of ramifications here and I am sure I wont see all of them... 1st example +boiserousness... Another might be shy kid (genetically or whatever) doesn't speak up and more dominant kids are in control... Now a wallflower and if does start to assert maybe not as strong as other boys (or as pretty as other girls) (in our culture) and they according to biological morality at this age dominate to assert their own or their own and there groups dominant position... therefore again one starts out shy for whatever reason and again learns to avoid speaking up or may fear it feel anxiety because was punished (dominated put into "place" when younger... I am sure that childhood with mother comes into play here too... Karen horney 3 neurotic strategies at this site

file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/default/My%20Documents/Misc/Karen%20Horney%20lecture.htm

Another would be around area of opposite sex... Again were rejected... learned response and avoidance of this punishment in future at all costs... I think these factors are at work in every life... And again it just means getting back up when knocked down and trying again guided with whatever wisdom we can draw upon... With this problem I think we need to keep remembering our inner rock star... its a lot of fun and very exciting... breaking boundaries growing creatively into the new.

found this
Studies have shown that the information in peoples environment can greatly affect them without them even being aware of it. Other studies have shown that certain people have attentional biases toward either threatening, or rejection information, which in turn perpetuates their sensitivity to rejection and could cause them to develop low self-esteem. Our studies have shown that people with low self-esteem have an attentional bias for rejection and people with high self-esteem do not. The purpose of the EyeSpy project is to help change peoples attentional bias for rejection, more specifically to teach people with low-self-esteem to ignore rejection information.


see also

rejection Sensitivity Questionnaire ttp://www.people.virginia.edu/~psykl...%202004/Ho.ppt

from rocks to rockstars to sages evolution's going somewhere

I meant desensitization above... when talking about ellis... Also regarding projection. I think there are 2 kinds of uses of the word (at least)... Projection of the sort that when I am angry and I know I am angry I will tend to see others as angry.... And also the projection defense psychology talks of where we tend not to be aware of the drive or feeling in ourselves that we then project onto others And for Rejection (again in ken wilber no boundary) as symptom -- translating this back to its original shadow form = "Iwouldnt give them the time of day". For the symptom of "withdrawn" the original shadow form that we are hiding from ourselves is "I'll push you away". For hatred (ie I despise you for X) original shadow form= autobiographical gossip (I hate X in myself) . For envy (your so great) ---- original shadow form = I am better than I know... Though I don't think this covers all sensitivity to rejection... I do think there is a learned shame etc. response here or whatever... Its just biology and a mechanical reaction... We can work with it... It says nothing really about us... ITs just a condition in life we need to work with... thats all.. I just speak the truth to myself so I can see myself better disidentify with any problems or entanglements like rejection sensitivity and sit with it until I creatively integrate it into a whole dynamic living... This is the challenge I have been accepting recently. Also as far as people who reject .. The people I am open with are the sort of people who are open to all and working for all for the highest good in all individually and for all societies of individuals... There is a whole spectrum of development that each person traverses in life... See spiral dynamics see developmental psychology etc... Well someone at lower stages of development tend to have either egocenric or sociocentric in groups and out-groups... Obviously children are generally at these lower waves of development and therefore hurt each other (rejecting ect.)... Well now as adults I believe we need to overcome these problems that were laid down or conditioned from our growing up days... Really need to balance our autonomy and assertion with our communions for there to be health... And this can be really just not hanging with people who tend to be rejecting... It says volumes about them that they behave as such... A developmental psychologist would pick them apart with ease and give no ground to their rejections... This is healthy self-assertion and I believe humans need to learn and live wise healthy self assertion in the face of this world.... Developmental psychology, ken wilber etc has helped me enormously in this regard... understanding is power...

Hi Yinperson,

It took me a while to read your posts, as they are so full of useful information. I picked out a couple of things:

'hanging with people who tend to be rejecting' - Yes, who needs it. I wasted years on that useless occupation; not now though.

'attentional bias for rejection' - spot on, some call it 'filtering for negatives'. More wasted years; not now though (but the habit tends to return if we are not careful)

Thanks yinperson.

Cheers, Myzen.