So I am wondering if there is a way, somehow, to get my therapy centered back on me in my head again...when all I can do is look at my therapist and wonder what he is thinking and feeling. He knows how I feel about him and has handled it with the utmost respect, care, and sensitivity. However, he has pointed out that if I focus on him instead of the relationships I need to work on in the "outside world", I am not ultimately getting what I need from this therapy. So, I get it...I mean, logically.

But the emotional side of me is just ALL about him, so of course I am distracted. He is more than willing to work on this distraction with me so hopefully I can focus back on other things, so that's not the issue. I think I am just wondering how anyone else who had this same thing happen was able to not be completely distracted to the point of frustration? Or if you were, how did you get out of it? I also tend to ruminate, and I have OCD and GAD, so I am guessing those things set me up for an even more difficult time with this. Thanks for any advice.

[Melbadaze]

I don't think being told what to do is the cure, I think this has to be worked through, not left just hanging there.

[Mike_J]

I have had to deal with nearly the same situation. It is very hard to focus on what I logically know is more important, when my emotions pull me in other directions. The only advice I can offer is don't pretend that your feelings don't exist, but at the same time you can't let them dominate your thought process.

[kitten16]

Tractionbeam, it's so hard. There's something about the therapeutic situation that creates this stuff. We know we're supposed to be all thrilled that we can feel this way, and then just transfer the feelings to somebody in "real" life. Easier said than done. The T always seems special.

My T thinks that I think he's perfect, and that the transference fallout will lessen once I discover he's not. He's wrong, but he seems to want to believe it, so I let him! It's more that he's inaccessible. It creates some kind of heightened desirability around him, I'm not sure why. Is that piece part of it for you?

I fantasize about my T all the time...The images are beyond distracting. I've often wished they would intrude only outside, when I'm not actually in session. But the session itself is one gigantic trigger for me...It's got to be counterproductive, whatever the conventional wisdom about transference says.

Long way of saying I do understand, and you're not alone!

[Brightheart]

Have you and your therapist considered what this behavior means? Why you are doing it? Is it a means of avoidance? Fear of facing your own difficulties in therapy? Have the two of you engaged in discussions about your feelings for him and what they mean? Maybe addressing this would also address some of your challenges in life and would be helpful in easing the intensity behind these desires.

Thanks, everyone, for replying. I almost think my situation is a bit different (well, in the beginning it was) as I transferred my feelings for someone else (a complicated situation that just "ended"...well, for now) on to T, I think. And then it took off for me from there.

Kitten, I actually don't think mine is perfect...I have pointed out his flaws to him before. And sometimes they show themselves on their own anyway! I find them very endearing, and I like that he is able to see them as well. He has a great sense of humor, which I definitely appreciate. As far as his inaccessibility, I don't know exactly. I know it heightens my frustration level. I don't find myself fantasizing so much during therapy as I do saying things to see what kind of responses I get from him. Then I fantasize about him when I am NOT in therapy all the time...but even then I am just FRUSTRATED.

Brightheart...we are trying to figure out what my behavior means...he asks me how I feel about things, and I have been so good at suppressing them over the years that I don't feel anything a lot of the time. Of course, I guess I still subconciously might not want to, even though I feel like I would consciously like to experience my true feelings about things like my childhood (that was a mess) and my other relationships. I am just scared it would be too much, I think.

[Paraclete]

Tractionbeam, I have been where you are. I was in love with my T for almost 3 years. He was in my thoughts every moment of the day. It was beautifully blissful to start with, but as the time wore on it became painful to the point of agony. I have never been through anything as euphoric or as horribly painful.

Then I met a wonderful man, someone who is amazingly perceptive, sensitive, and caring, and he helped remind me that love is possible in the real world, and that my T wasn't so worthy of the godlike adoration that I had been giving him. Instead he is just a normal guy who happens to be qualified to sit down with a clipboard, and listen to other peoples problems. He goes home and kicks the cat like everyone else does, he grumbles at his wife and snaps at his kids, he probably has holes in his socks too and sneaks food out of the fridge when he thinks his wife isn't looking.
Logically, we know this about our Ts. You say you know your T is not perfect. But something undeniably magical takes place in the therapy room, something that doesn't happen in the everyday setting.

It's pure speculation here, but I wonder if this 'magic' is there because we need it to be, it is required for change, growth, emotional development. I mean, when we are very young children we kind of look at our parents in such a magical light. We think our mother is the best in the world, she is the all knowing, all seeing, epitomy of beauty and wisdom and light. And this is necessary, we idealise our parents because they teach us right from wrong and shape us into who we need to become.
The therapist almost has this kind of power. We go to therapy to heal, to correct our thinking, adjust our responses... effectively the therapist plays a key role in helping to 'reshape' us. As adults we cannot see them as we saw our parents as children, we are too logical. We still experience those magical feelings... but I wonder if our brains don't play some fancy trick on us somehow by converting that magic into a form that is more acceptable to the adult mind... Romantic love. Sure there are other things that come into it, transferences, resistance... etc. But ultimately, whatever causes it, it is powerful and I think its this power that can effect the greatest change when it is handled and channeled properly by a skilled therapist.

I think keeping this process in mind might help to get your focus back on YOU, also remembering that your feelings are normal and even common in therapy , so are the fantasies. Its a process, try to see it as such - maybe that will take some of the 'wow this guy is amazing I must spend my session staring int his eyes and imagining him naked' out of it, and put more of the 'OK, so this happens, why is it happening for me and what can I learn here' back into it...

[sharon123]

My feelings for my t haven't changed for 6 years. I went to him for therapy for a church issue, so there wasn't anything to work on in the past (did my homework years ago).