[MortalCoil]

(sigh)

I'm very concerned about next week. My former therapist is presenting her doctoral dissertation on next Tuesday. I have a strong compulsion to go see her at this event, but it's not entirely clear to me what I want to accomplish by going. Her school's website does say it's open to the public - but I probably really don't belong there. I mean, psychology isn't my major and though it's interesting to me, I know none of the graduating class. As I'm writing this out, It's starting to become clear that I just cannot go and it makes me really sad. If I was truly her friend, I'd be able to support her ( I get the impression this event is like a right of passage for her in some way). I so much want a real reason to go. Instead I'm living with regret.

Over two months ago now, we had our final session at my college. I was convinced that I'd never see her again and I've only started to recover from missing the role she played in my life. I'm still *very* sore from this experience as I've explained in another thread (long story - I googled her and it triggered the heck out of me) and now this. I'm afraid this will be all I think about until then and will cause me regret for weeks thereafter, if not more. At 12:30 on that day, I'll know exactly where she is and what she's doing.. That's very unsettling to me and is probably the last time that will happen. If I were to go, I'd certainly be doubting my decision the whole way. If I am to stay, I'll be doubting *that* decision as well and surely I'll be thinking of it nonstop. This sucks.

The only way I could have comfortably shown up to that presentation is if I were invited - the compulsion remains. I have so many ill feelings about that day. This is miserable and I just know I can't even begin to heal until after this coming Tuesday is over!

+Jeff

[BlackCanary]

I think you'll be happier with yourself if you support her from afar, if you do not cross the boundary, even if it is a public event.
The "fix" of seeing her may make your feelings worse, if that's possible!
It's a battle between your logical adult self (do not go) and your inner adolescent self (but I wanna go!); consider which element has control of the body. Consider that the T can only see your physical outer shell, the adult self, and will assume that your adult self made the choice.
you have my sympathy, it is hard

[growlycat]

That is a tough choice, but I have to agree that seeing her will only be more painful. If only you could start therapy with a new person on Tues to talk about mourning your old T. Keep busy on Tues if you can!

[Symbiosis]

Hey, if it helps any, many dissertation defenses don't have audiences, i.e. it is only the defense committee. Some are public forum, but generally these things aren't very well attended. That doesn't help with your wanting to be there, I understand. Just an idea to think about.

[Eliza Jane]

My advice: don't go. Although most dis defenses are technically open to the public, it is very rare for people other than faculty and maybe a few advanced grad students to attend. Likely it will be a room of about 4 or 5 people.

Of course, you need to think about what it would do to you. But you also need to think about what it would do to T. It is often un-nerving for T's to see clients out of session. You would not want to upset T on what is likely one of the most important days in her life.

Perhaps you can use the knowledge of the time of her defense to support her on a more spiritual level. If you are religious, you can pray for her. If not, you can spend a moment in silence thinking of her and wishing her well.

I'm sorry you are grieving this loss. I hope PC can support you during this difficult time.

EJ

[WePow]

Allow yourself to WANT to go. But know what the line is - a line that will keep you safe. You deserve to have someone who is into you and who can appriciate the wonderful things you can bring to our world. You do have so much to offer but you can't see it just yet.

[MortalCoil]

Thanks you all - I know for a fact now that will put me in a worse position. I was picturing a large audience of 50-100 guests. But if the audience is so small like you guys are saying, I would just make things uncomfortable. I realize even if the turnout was larger, my attendance would be unusual.. sometimes I think my head is on crooked!! - Or there's wires in there that shouldn't be touching.. All the same - I wish I could get this ironed out somehow.

I do have a new therapist and my next session is on Wednesday and hopefully I can get past the embarrassment of these thoughts. Last Wednesday I got only as far as telling T that I need to talk about something but I can't get the words out yet.

[BlackCanary]

You are not alone, if that helps at all. I know where my ex-T works on Saturdays, so every Friday I want to call him to leave a message since I know he'll get it on Saturday. I'm still afraid that I'll give in to my inner self and go sit by the door some Saturday.

I also have a new T, and there's no easy way to talk about it. Most of the time it makes me cry; new girlT does seem to understand that I'm in pain. I just feel incredibly uncomfortable talking about it, I'm ashamed and embarrassed, like you said.

[MortalCoil]

*whew*
I'm guessing the event is happening right now. I'm at home and okay with it for the moment, though I feel kind of funny. No regrets though. Idolizing my therapist is one thing - being afraid that I'll do something stupid is another. Innocence is bliss.

[WePow]

SMART cookie you are !!! So you doing ok now?

[MortalCoil]

I *am* doing a little better with this. Today me and my new T agreed that I'm not in danger of stalking anyone, despite all the things I wish could be true. Making my former T uncomfortable has to be the last thing I want.