[MortalCoil]

I don't care if you have nothing to say. All I want is someone to read this and let me know they have.

I'm completely devastated.
Sitting here on the floor against my bed and looking at a facebook profile of my former therapist. I finally found her public profile and I'm a blubbering idiot.

As a rule, I said I wasn't going to be looking her up. For a month, I held up alright but I caved. There was just no way I could avoid punching in a name and being one click away from a search. It could almost be an accident.. so on that one day I started to find vague references to her online
- nothing in depth at all - no pictures - nothing personal -
but just enough to make me think of her again as something new, and then that strong emotional connection to her was fresh. *Very* addicting.

I knew that I would never see her again after last school semester in may. I got to drag out my final session twice and so got two extra weeks at the end - up until she was leaving the school to finish her doctorate. There was nothing she could do to prolong things further. In those two weeks, I was able to fess up and tell her how I felt. (Wow - This is really odd writing this she would know exactly who I am if she saw ANY of this post) Anyway she seemed genuinely happy about this and explained how our connection was mutual. All of this was completely unprecedented in my life and was utter bliss to me. I don't think I've ever loved/adored anyone more than I did those last two weeks. I can't imagine a better relationship with anyone else and this was all without anything more physical than a gentle touch on the arm. I just wish I could have shown more affection to her.

I used to think a one week hiatus was pretty hellish. All that is nothing now. I fantasize about her all the time. At the expense of exposing my vulnerable side - I'll admit to crying most of the time if I think about her for more than 5 minutes. Part of it is really about reflecting on a time when a felt really good inside, cared about, and admired. After a month - once the fantasies got old, I googled her. Nothing huge turned up for awhile but tonight I found out why I never found her facebook page. Her last name is now hyphenated with an added name. I found this out a week ago but hadn't searched the new name until now.

So to this profile that I just found... in her profile picture she looks as beautiful as can be and is kissing this dude. Her relationship status is "married" and the picture is presumably at her wedding reception considering what they're wearing. To me this is a total mindfu*k. Remember that scene in the old star wars movie when the death star blows up? That's what happened to my head awhile ago. I don't know when I'm going to sleep.

I can't figure out which one of them makes me more jealous. Is it her for being just a few years older than me, young, beautiful, a pillar of society, who's starting a career with two lofty degrees? Is it him, who has certainly kissed, courted, and made love to her - all of which I've fantasized about since being profoundly enamored with her? I never actually anticipated that I'd be aware that anyone else had done any of that. I've longed for those things but right now would just settle for being her client - since she was very good treating me and I know its the best kind of relationship that we could possibly have. But now I can't even have that.

I don't know how this is seeming a tougher heartbreak than an actual breakup to me. I guess the therapist-client relationship just "ups" the crush factor. Okay, I think I've done enough. I've stopped crying for the moment but I know its not over. This was really long. If you're still reading this, thanks -really. This is not something I could just tell someone but after tonight this has become too heavy to carry myself. I simply needed this. This is what originally brought me to PC. I just never had the energy to spill my guts until this final straw.

+Jeff

[growlycat]

((((Jeff!))))
Read your post and understand too well! I looked up my therapist's FB and saw his kids, made me insanely jealous.

The only thing that helps me is by trying to remember that the therapist's care, the way you know it, can only exist under a special set of circumstances. Without these boundaries, it would not feel the same. What if in a regular relationship she is more selfish than the way you know her? There may be other flaws that she keeps out of the therapy relationship too. The way she can love you and help you has to be this way!

I often thought my therapist could be more callous is a "real" relationship. Although a great guy, his description of his "regular life" relationships is this "my needs come first. Only through the theraputic setting your needs can be first instead.

I hope this offers some comfort-- that jealously is an awful feeling.

[Hope4joy]

Hi Jeff -

I completely understand the anguish you feel. I've had my own challenges in the arena and work every day on a few basic fundamentals that help keep me grounded. The first is that my therapist has her own faults, challenges, disappointments, pain etc. Because she represents qualities that I've lacked in my life, I have tended to idealize who she really is and I think this is quite common.

The second is trying to incorporate discipline in how I think of her. The reality is, she has modeled attributes that I am seeking and I hope to find one day - in both myself and in a future mate. When I remove the qualities as specific to her, I am able to see them in others. The discipline also extends to how much time I let her take up in my head and that includes searching online, fantasies etc. It has helped me a great deal to push out in the real world to experience these things in others (as well as working hard to love myself).

This is so very complicated so go easy on yourself. Are you currently in therapy? I wish you all the best.

(((((((((((((Jeff))))))))))))))))

I read the whole thing. I'm sorry it's SOOOOO painful. I get it.

to you.

[Gleek592]

Hi! I read the whole thing and can definitely relate. PM me if you want to talk more! Take care!

[MortalCoil]

growlycat,,,

Thanks so much for your quick response. Where I'm from, your post arrived at 3 in the morning. I was awake for awhile so I eventually read this over the phone before passing out for awhile. It *did* relax me and was glad to know that after spewing out unadulterated feelings someone "get's it". There's no substitute for that.. You are, of course, right when you say that the love felt between us is produced by her idealized image - but isn't that what makes this whole thing so tragic? After being so spoiled by what I believe is the perfect relationship, I realize that real-world relationships are real, flawed, and utterly different. That is what gets me most.

Hope4joy,,,

You make a solid point that other people can have the same qualities (and virtues) that she has. That's the type of thinking that I need to internalize if I want to have my own life. My biggest hurdles when trying to accept this idea, are the things that are solely hers (i.e. looks, personality) or ours (chemistry).

As for your and growlycat's idea about flaws - that's all very logical to me and I know it's true. She gave me hardly any details about her life and I suppose there's plenty of room for error there. It's really hard thinking of her in that way when all that I can seem to find out about her is more evidence that she is an amazing person doing amazing things. I do have a session with my new therapist and there's going to be plenty to talk about even aside from this subject. What a week. We've only discussed this situation superficially so far.

Thanks for your support everyone. This is liberating for me and I'm a lot calmer than I was last night. It's definitely tough because it's been over two months now since my last session with ex-T, but after last night I feel like my coping is reset back to day one.

Hi Jeff
I'm so sorry you have to feel this pain of loss. I understand that way of feeling so attached to your T. Do you have another one?
As time passes, it may feel like he** but it really does get better. I wouldn't have believed that before, but I'm proof.
Feel free to PM me anytime...I can relate strongly to this.

[WePow]

Jeff, your emotions are valid. They are real. And they are yours.
Allow yourself to enjoy the fact that you have/do love in this profound way. Even when it is so painful. I loved once like that back in college. It was not a crush. So I do understand. She almost had me kicked out of college just because I would leave notes on her office door at night sometimes - I walked by her office after one of my night classes and I couldn't resist letting her know how I was feeling. Anyway, blah blah blah on my end. Bottom line is you are being truthful to yourself. It may be the only time in your life you feel this wave. Ride it out. Go with it. Don't fight it. You know what is over the line and you know not to cross it. So on the inside, just enjoy the one way depth of your passion. You will eventually feel it taper down some. It may be years from now. But if you just allow it to exist and stop fighting it or being upset with yourself because of it, then it will fall into the background on its own. I know you do not believe this right now. I would haven't when I was on the ride. But somehow life went on. And now when I think of my "one true love that could never be" - well I smile to myself. I even got to tell her years later over dinner (she had made me a promise to allow me to take her to dinner once I graduated)... but I got to tell her "I have never loved anyone for WHO they were. I loved you that way. And I am thankful that I got to experience that once in my lifetime." She told me that was the nicest thing she ever heard. We hugged at the end of dinner... and my life continued. So did hers. :-)

[growlycat]

I'm glad I could help--LOL it was 3am my time too, my sleep has been messed up for awhile. I am glad that you said you were starting therapy again! I meant to ask!! I bet having a new connection will ease the pain of losing a therapist-at least that is my hope for you. Losing one therapist and starting again is so hard but so worth it. Take care!!!!!

[BlackCanary]

I'm there with you - my T moved to a new job in July. It's been a month since our last session. On Monday I was a cryin' fool all afternoon, so much pain, missing him.
Then I remembered his "Marines" phrase - pain is weakness leaving the body. So, I thought, geez this is NOT how I envisioned therapy helping me to get stronger. That night I found a tiny new leaf on the plant cutting he gave me; it represented the tiny bit of growth I'm going through with this pain.

I'm married, happily. This makes no difference, since this attachment is so entirely different than that relationship.
WePow is right, feels better to not get tied into a huge knot around the feelings. And I'm glad to read from her that it's possible to recover from this pain!
There are certainly days where I cannot imagine how I'll ever feel better, just want to go find him at his new job and make him take me back. Sigh.

[Manipulated-Minds]

It's easy to grow infatuated with someone who shows you so much attention and gets so close to your personal life. I can understand why you feel betrayed by her. She has her life, and you feel as if you have nothing. It will all pass with time. One day you will find someone who means even more to you and this will seem just like a flight of fancy.

[MortalCoil]

I really appreciate each and every one of these replies. I shouldn't be surprised that so many of you can identify with parts of this. Reading posts in this thread and elsewhere on PC, I know that you have had your own unique relationships with your T's, and their emotional intensity is high just like mine was. To me, it goes beyond being the usual "bummed out". I'm still living somewhat normally (for a depressed, socially withdrawn person) and no one would notice. Going to bed, I have that waking nightmare - the one when I have a gaping hole carved into my body. The only thing that makes it go away is to fixate on her. That's why I need her to be the way she is. Of course she is isn't perfect, but all I know is that my feelings for her fit perfectly in that gaping hole and they "click in place". I need that in order to feel okay. WePow, I do allow these feelings to exist because they allow me relive vicariously those times when I felt worthwhile and like a good person. That is what makes the process more sweet than bitter. What a story by the way. I’m impressed that you invited her to dinner and made it work great for both of you.

BlackCanary,,,

There are certainly days where I cannot imagine how I'll ever feel better, just want to go find him at his new job and make him take me back. Sigh.

I know that feeling. I wish it were that easy… There’s this mantra I’ve come up with and been trying lately – it’s basically what other people have told me including my ex-T – “This is what I feel today. There’s no proof I’ll feel the same tomorrow.” It holds true for me so many times when I’ve been upset. Take care.

[mixedup_emotions]

I can feel so much pain coming from you, Jeff. I wish I could take it away...and this very pain that you feel probably keeps me at arms length from my own T because I've felt such BIG BIG feelings on occasion...and they scare me, yet are wonderful and awful at the same time. I can't imagine immersing myself in an open, trusting, intimate relationship like that - and deal with all the pain as a result.

But aside from even my T, I know that awful ache. That desire that will never be realized the way you want it to.....It is among the worst of pain.

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by MortalCoil

... Going to bed, I have that waking nightmare - the one when I have a gaping hole carved into my body. ....

Yes, I find it is most intense at bedtime or upon waking, when my mind is more free, not involved in busy tasks.
My feelings are something I'd like to carve out of my body, they are like a river of acid pouring through me.
Worst of all, I have gotten a new T, but do not feel safe telling her about this pain. She's already judged my ex-T as a "lost cause" with regard to trying to finalize the too-short termination process; I might agree (depends on the day) BUT I did not want to hear her opinion, her judgment. I know he did poorly with the termination. But I'd miss him terribly even if we had a proper termination. So, not likely I'm going to tell her any more details, don't want any more feedback. It's such a touchy subject in this profession.