[Trill]

Ah where to begin being new here. I have been with my T for nearly six years and I appreciate, respect and at times adored, idolized, romanticised and even had sexual fantasies and dreams. Looking back I believe I recognized my fondness and am certain he did too; a number of times we discussed boundaries, distorted thinking and access to him. He allowed calls,email and 1:1. I feared the worst about my own ability to manage how much I thought about him. He literally saved me by nuturing; vakidating caring and normalizing me where appropriate. Because I have a history of childhood sexual abuse and incest; a distant dysfunctional family who sends mixed messages and all the other stuff, I believe he modeled healthy relationships and tolerated a lot of drama/ fear anxiety and gave without condition.

This attention care and kindness was all new to me. I returned to higher education and am currently a a fledgling therapist but presently stressed over the likely near end of the theraputic relationship. I was emotionally raw arriving at what I thought was our final session only to learn he is willing to continue because he pointed out my attachment to him. He is correct, I admitted thinking about the possiblity and felt immediate relief knowing he was not abandoning me. I am usually rational these days and I cringed in shame to admit this happened. Sure I am gay but is this common with gay men to do this or is it more because of my history?

Because I have consistently resisted and fought any inappropriate feelings and thoughts I was and remain frustrated because I never intended to be inappropriate much less dependant on him. I can rationalize and intellectualize this but on the emotional level I struggle with shame and disappointment, I am supposed to know better and I even prayed and fought about it. I hid the fantasies and detail fearing he would boot me and I knew I had work to do. I sepearted emotion from the core work or at least tried. I know we will come to an end at some point. On a healthy level I want to grow and be independent. I somewhow still struggle with how I will handle it down the road. I adore him and he represents all that is good and what has gotten me through. So I am torn between logic, ethics,heartfelt love (not in love) but I sure wish I had met him under different circumstances. Of course had that been the path, I may have never grown to be who and where I am today. My question is do I tell him all of this and move on, or tell him and try working through it for closure? Any comments and insights from others are welcome and anticipated. If you are a mental health professional, please let me know that as well. I believe I can and will get through this like all the other hard stuff. My head and heart are at odds. I also do not want to anger him or create discomfort. Thanks for feedback.
Trill

[BlackCanary]

Hi Trill
Since you have gotten the education and training of a therapist, then you know the answer already:
You are supposed to talk about it.
While you were trying to terminate, there are obviously unresolved/unspoken emotions. Your termination phase will go for a while? Are you willing to say to T "I wish I'd met you under other circumstances, outside of therapy"? Is this related to termination?
Would you have said that in the first few months of therapy, wished you met him at the gym or at work?? Is that only after having the years together, the caring, the ups and downs? Knowing how to handle this experience will make you a better therapist, and if you skip it then you'll likely always "choke" when you hit this point with your own clients.

As a straight woman who had a straight male T, I know what you mean about the effort of separating the emotion from the work. Logically you know it's not about him, but geez, some of it is about him and the relationship you have built. Your T should not let you feel ashamed of loving him. And a gay or straight client having feelings and fantasies should not be a surprise - and I'd imagine that gay or straight he's going to feel some discomfort at being loved by a client. Hope he's a great T and handles it with gentleness and acceptance.