Unwanted Sexual Fantasy toward my therapist

I think it's called transference.

Unfortunately feelings do not always...go away........Quite often, ignoring (any) feelings will keep cropping up until we address them.

transference is just a fancy word for feelings. It goes both ways.....t's have feelings for clients, also....

I am a female with a woman therapist and have felt the same way. I thought I had moved through the sexual feelings towards her but they have surfaced again because I started to really work on some difficult family issues. I was able to just be open and honest with her about it and she was great. If you can, I would talk to your T or write/read a letter to her. I think you might feel better, even though it can be scary.

Yes, yes and yes--you are all so right. Specifically this concept of how we need to comfort and soothe ourselves--big huge DUH! If we could do that, then we wouldn't be in therapy probably, would we? We might not even be bpd. It is true but infuriating. I tell my T that I am learning gradually how to comfort myself and in the meantime; I NEED MY T TO BE--not a substitute--A ROLE MODEL!!!!!! This is so important. How can we possibly learn safe, soothing self-comfort when we have NEVER been given this as children or maybe are currently not given this? I am honest with my T that I use sexual thoughts about her to comfort myself. I also use transitional objects, physical things related to her, to comfort and soothe myself. And she knows I found a photo of her on a brochure and it is inside a hard-back book so it won't get bent and this is in my BED! I will work hard and maybe even fight to get what I need because this is not my fault and it is important to live the most quality life possible given the situation we are all in. My T knows, and fortunately, she has said to me: "use me if it works".

KO I sent you a friend request. Your feelings for your T are not only natural, they are beautiful. Absolutely beautiful and pure. Do you see that shows how capable of loving and being loved you are? I know you should tell her, but the timing can be quite tricky. You have to be prepared for a poor quality response, just in case. But believe me, you are not wrong; you are loveable. I have great hope for you. I read your about me issues, and I know you are hurting but I am hopeful because YOU ARE STILL CAPABLE of FEELING these loving, treasured feelings toward your T. That makes me happy.

What do you mean by "use her". Is this for sexual gratification and she is telling you that is okay?

She means in my imagination. For comfort. For sexual gratification. For luring myself to bed by having her picture there. For feeling loved and trying to love myself. For strength and courage. All kinds of ways I "use her" in my imagination, and I tell her about it. So she says "Use me if it works" meaning use her in my imagination for things I need. And this makes me happy and sometimes sad, but happy more than not. She believes it is OK. We both realize that I am learning, through loving her, and using her, that I am OK and I can love myself and I am loveable. I hope that explains it, Squiggles. I'm glad you found the post.

I'm female and I've been seeing my T (also female) for over a year, but just started developing romantic feelings for her over the past week and it is driving me INSANE! I want to kiss her and I want her to hold me... I can't stop thinking about it (hello, it's 2:20am and I'm up thinking about it!).

I wasn't planning on ever telling her about my feelings and I was just going to see if I could figure out if she had similar feelings about me (fat chance, I know). But then today I decided to spill the beans and although it was really scary, it was a big relief too. Of course she said a relationship was never going to happen, but she said my feelings were really normal, which made me feel better. She was really kind and gentle about it.

But now I'm still stuck here with these feelings that won't go away. Since clearly a relationship with my T isn't going to happen, how do I make these romantic feelings go away? They are uncomfortable. How do I stop liking my T? Does anyone have any suggestions?

I'm in a vaguely similar situation and posted about it in a different thread before seeing this one. The difference is I DON'T want to have sex with T, or kiss her or anything like that - but I do feel turned on by her. I don't find her physcially attractive because, bless her, she is much older than me and I'm not gay. But when we have skin contact through holding hands, I start to feel scarily aroused. I don't know why this is but someone suggested that feelings get mixed up and sexualised. This makes sense.

I haven't read all the posts yet but I hope you manage to tell your T about these feelings because then they can be worked through and understood. If T is worth her salt she will be kind and understanding and help make sense of what is going on.

Also, if this is any consolation, I had a major obsession with someone (not a T) when I was younger. Although it wasn't directly a sexual thing, I did imagine myself kissing and hugging her. Now I look back and realise it was the need for a role model, my own deprivation and her kindness and attention combined to become almost sexual in nature. Considering our experiences, i think it's normal.

LateNightTV, I've got the same problem though I don't want my T kissing me and I don't want sex with her. We've discussed my feelings for her a lot and she accepts them. The way she deals with it is by working with parts of myself who need that love and affection, usually child/teen parts. I don't mean I have DID, but my T uses Internal Family Systems therapy, which says that we have many parts of our personality and we need to accept all of our parts and give them what they need. Not T giving them what they need, though she helps. Our Self has to give them what they need. I mean love, not sex because usually the feelings for our T are more about love that we didn't get as an infant or child.

I don't think you can make the romantic feelings go away, though. I know I can't. They just pop up and I do think about my T often. Try to accept your feelings and discuss them with your T again and again to see what's missing in your RL, or what was missing in your past. It's not easy, I know!!!

If you learn to accept those feelings and not to judge them, you may find that you can actually enjoy them.

YES! YES! YES!
CantExplain has this one.

I don't accept my erotic feelings and I don't want to enjoy them. For me, they are interferring with my progress in therapy. I think. Maybe not. Maybe this has just opened up another part of me that needs to be worked on? I don't see myself as wanting to make out with her. It is more of a voyeuristic nature. Just watching, not participating.

I think for me it may have to do with a power struggle in therapy combined with years of having a spouse addicted to pornography. They kinda get twisted in my brain and I can't tell what is real and what is fantasy. Putting her in those fantasies makes me feel safe because I trust her. Making her do demeaning sexual things comes from the anger I carry inside. Anger at her for making me talk about this stuff! Anger at my spouse for having the addiction and exposing me to it.

Hi Squiggle!

I'm sensing a core belief that sexual fantasy is rejecting and disloyal to ones partner.

Core beliefs are tied up with our ethical systems, our self respect and our identity. One of the strongest core beliefs is that core beliefs must not be questioned!

Nevertheless, questioning core beliefs is one of the tasks of therapy.

It's still your choice, of course. Good luck!