[LavalampTerry]

Yesterday I came as close as I've ever came to quitting this whole therapy "business." A brief background :

A couple of months ago - thanks to the support, encouragement, and advice I received here on PC - I was able to share with my T my feelings for her. "Romantic Feelings." In spite of my fears of being "dropped like a hot potatoe," she was kind and gentle, and nurturing in her responce. Just like I was being told here might just happen. At the time I was THRILLED. Felt like I had finally gotten over a hurdle I had been bucking up against for the previous 2+ years and could finally get to the "business" of therapy.

Like I said that was a couple of months ago. I was sort of hoping that once the "Big Reveal" took place, some of the transference issues would subside. And I guess they did somewhat... However, they "flare up" from time to time, if you know what I mean... Especially when I'm fearful of an approaching situation in life or for whatever reason. During those times I want to be with her - to feel her presence - so she can help make it ok. She's pretty good at that. They also flare up when GOOD things happen in my life. When I see myself saying or doing or feeling things I've wanted to say, do, or feel all my life. It's also during these times that I think of her and want to be with her so we can share this "small victory" together.

This past Monday I was scheduled to have a routine procedure done. One that required me to be put under. I have this fear of being put out and not waking up. Of course I shared this with my T. Even wrote her an email a day or so prior "saying my goodbyes" just in case. Had similiar conversations with my wife, friends, etc. Even knowing the chances of that happening are remote, the fear was real and I needed to do that.

So as I said I'm having this procedure done on Monday, and I'm not convinced I'm gonna live through it... Silly maybe but there it was. Sunday morning requires me to "prep." Meaning I have to fast - take tons of meds and stuff - and the rest I won't mention. When I woke up Sunday morning it all became real. And the fear intensified. My FIRST waking thought - before my feet hit the floor - was "Man, I wish "T" was here with me. Lying next to me asleep." Just her presence would be comforting... Got pretty emotional about it actually.

I did what she's taught me to do. "Get present." Stop fanatizing about what I CAN'T have and focus on what I DO have. The support, companionship, comfort that is all around me. After a bit the feelings I woke up to subsided somewhat.

Well, I made the "mistake" of telling her all this yesterday at session. Next thing I know she's "suggesting" (we all know what THAT means) I see a phyciatrist for additional meds - "sleeping agents." Even I know that means sleeping pills! I reminded her that I am a recovering drug addict....! For me, if one is good, 2 is better! That I wasn't willing to let 27 years of recovery go down the drain cause I was having trouble sleeping, for God's sake! Seemed a bit of an overreaction for one lousy morning when I missed my T...

The next "selling point" was that my thinking of her that morning was another variety of "addictive thinking" and that I was "closing out" the support that was there for me while "fantasing" about her. Conversation got rather contentious. At least it felt that way for me.

I walked out of there thoroughly confused - hopeless. "Man, has she been listening AT ALL during these last 3 years?" One week she tells me we'll most likely have to talk about the transference stuff "a hundred more times." And that was ok with her. The next week when I bring it up she cuts me off at the knees!! Really???? Mixed messages...?

So I did what I always do. "Ran to the woods." (Long story) Decided that "the heck with this therapy stuff! Me thinking I was "fixable" - "not too broken" - "not misunderstood" - was/is pure fantasy. To think I could get better - that people would understand was wishful thinking at best. That what I heard here maybe wasn't completely true. I've read that whatever a client says in session should be ok. But now I'm thinking "Maybe sometimes being honest, is being 'too honest.'" I had to be talked out of quitting therapy right then and there by a dear friend I've met here. Thanks!!! You know who you are!!

So I've decided to go back next week at least - if for no other reason than to tell her this stuff. After that - who knows.

There's lots more background to all this and some of this may not make sense to those who don't know about that. But for those who do -- Thoughts????

Actually, I'd be interested in any feedback anybody has. Confusing stuff...

[WePow]

wow. that is so tough! I say to be frank about how this made you feel.
She needs to know this stuff! I can understand you being confused!

[mixedup_emotions]

What an emotional rollercoaster!!! I can see how you'd feel discouraged, and I agree that working through this with T may be beneficial. Otherwise, you're left with this confusion.

Perhaps you can write all of your thoughts, feelings, confusion, etc. and bring it with you to your session - just so you can be sure you didn't miss something important.

(I hope your procedure went well.)

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks, WePow! My head is KILLING me! Gotta sit on this till next Wednesday... I know where this sort of stuff can take me -- hence the post. Don't wanna go there...

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks for the responce "Mixedup." Love the name - especially TODAY!!!

As for the procedure, obviously I didn't die so that's a good thing... It wasn't very comforting when they told me they were giving me the same stuff that KILLED Michael Jackson... Propofol, or whatever it is. I had the nurse remind me that they had never "lost anybody..." She was real nice & I had verbalized my fears to her hours earlier!

As for the suggestion to write this stuff down and take it to her, I'd like to print that post, but I haven't been able to figure out how. Any ideas?

[swimmergirl]

(((((((((((Lavalamp))))))))))) I've been wondering where you have been. Haven't seen you post lately. You don't know me but your previous posts about your transference issues were a huge inspiration to me and my situation. I hope you know that.
I think you can probably cut and paste your remarks here into MS Word or another program like that to take it with you to your next session. That's what I do sometimes.
My head hurts for you, just reading all this. I have wondered sometimes if I have been too honest as well. Don't know...........gotta wait to see how this all turns out in the end. I agree with other posters, definitely tell T about this. Remember you have a great relationship with her. She is not perfect. Yes yes yes she has heard you. She has been there the last 3 years. Remember about the song with your mom and T holding your hand? And all those other times? Just try to articulate what you are feeling. If you can't say it, write a letter and have her read it. It is totally normal to want to quit. I have almost quit many many times and I've only been in therapy for almost 4 months. I hope you are able to work this out. (((((((((((((LL))))))))))

[LavalampTerry]

Swimmergirl : You've "wondered about me?" Really? That concept is so foreign. NICE to hear - makes me teary - but foreign. Hard to think of myself as 'missable."

Ya know I was thinking about all this this morning. How uncharacteristic of her she was being yesterday. Yeah, maybe she WAS having a bad day. Thing is I was her first appointment of the day - hope it got better for her... YIKES!!

Actually, I was furious - hurt - rejected - told I was "bad." "Different" - "broken" - "F'd up." THOSE concepts I'm familiar with...

And thanks for reminding me about the song for Mom. My Dear friend reminded me of that too yesterday! And about my tendency to "run to the woods" when the S*** hits the fan.

Nice to know people remember - and care. I'll get used to it. Promise! Just "keep it comin!"

[Liam Grey]

Aww, it sucks to hear your therapist didn't gave you the attention you deserved (or at least that she wasn't so careful with her speaking). I'm sorry. I know they are human and so on but that's their work. They should definitely pay more attention sometimes.

Funny thing is that I can totally relate as today I had a session bad beyond measure... I'm thinking too about leaving therapy

Anyway, I think that you and you only know if therapy is worth to carry on, because obviously you are in the situation and you can trace a balance between the benefit, and the negative things therapy is bringing to you. If the seconds are overtaking the firsts... well, you know it.

[Oceanwave]

As I see it, she is trying to help you with your transference issues, and also with your problems with sleep. Maybe she is not helping right now, and you'd need to tell her that. Also you could think about what you'd need from her and how she could be more helpful for you right now. It would be good to have a word with her about the best way forward, but you'd have to explain to her what you are open to and what you are not (sleeping pills, for instance) -- she can't figure out all this without your imput. So I'd say take a proactive approach at this point and take it from there. Ask yourself, what do I need from this professional at this point in time?

[LavalampTerry]

Liam : Thanks for the response. We've had other "bumps in the road" before. She's screamed at me (she says she wasn't screaming, but that's how I heard it) and I've told her to go F*** herself and stormed out of her office mid-session. She's Italian & I'm Latino. Pretty combustable combination! Afterwards we talked and agreed that there WILL be times we hurt each other - but that hapens in relationships. The trick is to HEAR the other person - and settle things where both are included in the solution. I got an earful from her yesterday - my brain doesn't work that fast. I have to catch up. She'll hear MY part next week. And hopefully we'll settle things. Cause bottom line this lady has helped me do & feel things I never thought I could. She tells me I'm no where near the man that walked in her door 3 years ago - I'm starting to agree. (but not yesterday!) Hope you give it some serious thought too. I'm being reminded of some pretty awesome stuff this lady has done for me. At times like this I forget that stuff. Where else would I go to get those things...?

Ocean : Again, THANKS! She's concerned about me sleeping in a separate room from my wife. I don't know why I do that. Says I could have had what I was "looking for" that morning if I was in my own bed - there would have been someone lying next to me. Well, FIRST it was 3:30 in the morning and if you knew my wife, she - like most people - are corpses at that hour. And I would have thought of my T anyway. As I said I think of her REGARDLESS of the circumstance. A little "unsettling" at times but I do. CERTAINLY when I'm as fearful as I was that morning. But I hear ya. Hopefully I'll give her my part in all this & we'll get past it.

Thanks guys!! I really appreciate the input.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Therapy can be such a roller coaster! I waver between fleeing completely and sticking it out. Sometimes, after a really tough session, it seems like I've been able to overcome the obstacle and start making a leap in progress. There are some non-addictive sleeping agents out there. Not being able to sleep and being the only one awake in a dark, quiet house allows way too much time to think. That is the worst time for me - no distractions so my mind takes off in all different directions and the anxiety and loneliness escalate. T's have good days and bad days too. Try to remember the supportive times to ease the anxiety before next week's sessions. I have times when I wish my T could just be there for me, guiding me through a tough event, reassuring me I was doing the right thing...I have to rely on the words he has given me to keep going until I can find those words in myself.

[Xeneon]

wow..i would left so confused but if im confused im kind of annoying and i talk about until i figure it out. I would confront her and say hey this how i feel right now and thats that. Wish you the best of luck.

[hardtimes101]

Originally Posted by Lavalamp

Yesterday I came as close as I've ever came to quitting this whole therapy "business." A brief background :

A couple of months ago - thanks to the support, encouragement, and advice I received here on PC - I was able to share with my T my feelings for her. "Romantic Feelings." In spite of my fears of being "dropped like a hot potatoe," she was kind and gentle, and nurturing in her responce. Just like I was being told here might just happen. At the time I was THRILLED. Felt like I had finally gotten over a hurdle I had been bucking up against for the previous 2+ years and could finally get to the "business" of therapy.

Like I said that was a couple of months ago. I was sort of hoping that once the "Big Reveal" took place, some of the transference issues would subside. And I guess they did somewhat... However, they "flare up" from time to time, if you know what I mean... Especially when I'm fearful of an approaching situation in life or for whatever reason. During those times I want to be with her - to feel her presence - so she can help make it ok. She's pretty good at that. They also flare up when GOOD things happen in my life. When I see myself saying or doing or feeling things I've wanted to say, do, or feel all my life. It's also during these times that I think of her and want to be with her so we can share this "small victory" together.

This past Monday I was scheduled to have a routine procedure done. One that required me to be put under. I have this fear of being put out and not waking up. Of course I shared this with my T. Even wrote her an email a day or so prior "saying my goodbyes" just in case. Had similiar conversations with my wife, friends, etc. Even knowing the chances of that happening are remote, the fear was real and I needed to do that.

So as I said I'm having this procedure done on Monday, and I'm not convinced I'm gonna live through it... Silly maybe but there it was. Sunday morning requires me to "prep." Meaning I have to fast - take tons of meds and stuff - and the rest I won't mention. When I woke up Sunday morning it all became real. And the fear intensified. My FIRST waking thought - before my feet hit the floor - was "Man, I wish "T" was here with me. Lying next to me asleep." Just her presence would be comforting... Got pretty emotional about it actually.

I did what she's taught me to do. "Get present." Stop fanatizing about what I CAN'T have and focus on what I DO have. The support, companionship, comfort that is all around me. After a bit the feelings I woke up to subsided somewhat.

Well, I made the "mistake" of telling her all this yesterday at session. Next thing I know she's "suggesting" (we all know what THAT means) I see a phyciatrist for additional meds - "sleeping agents." Even I know that means sleeping pills! I reminded her that I am a recovering drug addict....! For me, if one is good, 2 is better! That I wasn't willing to let 27 years of recovery go down the drain cause I was having trouble sleeping, for God's sake! Seemed a bit of an overreaction for one lousy morning when I missed my T...

The next "selling point" was that my thinking of her that morning was another variety of "addictive thinking" and that I was "closing out" the support that was there for me while "fantasing" about her. Conversation got rather contentious. At least it felt that way for me.

I walked out of there thoroughly confused - hopeless. "Man, has she been listening AT ALL during these last 3 years?" One week she tells me we'll most likely have to talk about the transference stuff "a hundred more times." And that was ok with her. The next week when I bring it up she cuts me off at the knees!! Really???? Mixed messages...?

So I did what I always do. "Ran to the woods." (Long story) Decided that "the heck with this therapy stuff! Me thinking I was "fixable" - "not too broken" - "not misunderstood" - was/is pure fantasy. To think I could get better - that people would understand was wishful thinking at best. That what I heard here maybe wasn't completely true. I've read that whatever a client says in session should be ok. But now I'm thinking "Maybe sometimes being honest, is being 'too honest.'" I had to be talked out of quitting therapy right then and there by a dear friend I've met here. Thanks!!! You know who you are!!

So I've decided to go back next week at least - if for no other reason than to tell her this stuff. After that - who knows.

There's lots more background to all this and some of this may not make sense to those who don't know about that. But for those who do -- Thoughts????

Actually, I'd be interested in any feedback anybody has. Confusing stuff...

You can do this Lava!! Relationships are challenging, working through them and learning how to have healthy ones is the goal. I'm proud of you and the progress that you've made. You've been an inspiration to all of us!! Therapist's do have bad days, but I also believe that she wants what's best for you and wants to help you. Try and let her. She's been there for you in some big ways....Remember those times and be honest with her about how you're feeling. I have to do that on Tues too....Never a comfortable deal...You know? Know you are being thought of!!

Here for you!!

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks, guys. As predicted, I'm in "that place." Not good. The world once again is a cold lonely place where no one gives a S**T. That's just where I go.... NO CLUE as to how to avoid it.

All I hear is Dad's voice. "Stop whining!" "Man Up!" "Nobody cares." "Not even that woman you're PAYING to care." Even with the kind, caring responses here, that process seems to be automatic...

So tired of this. As for remembering the good times with T, there's no room. Dad is occupying all available space.

Did I mention I hate this.......?

[Can't Stop Crying]

I understand how tough it can be when your mind wanders into the directions you don't want it to go. Just remember - we care about you here and are amazed and proud at all the progress you've made. Don't let any memories from the past take that from you! You own it now and your father can't take that from you! A true man knows there is strength in feeling. Therapy really stirs things up, doesn't it? I guess those things need to be stirred up to recover - doesn't make the process any easier though!

[WePow]

(((((Lavalamp)))))

That inner critic happens in my head too. I see my T and hear one of my past abusers tell me "He only is there because you pay him to be there."

Maybe there is a little truth to that, but it is NOT the full story. Abusers latched onto small fragments of truth and then distorted them so they could use that as a weapon against us.

Sure, the fact is that if I didn't pay to see my T, the therapy couldn't happen.
But the other fact is that now that he knows me, he cares regardless of the money.
I know this because he tells me once in a while about another client he had years ago who may have had a similar thing happen and he wants me to know this or that. He will pause sometimes and once he even said "I wonder sometimes how she is doing now."

Allow the world to have shades of gray.