What did I do?

I became upset with my T because he was insinuating that he could
hospitalize me because I cut myself. I new he was just yanking my chain and it pissed me off. Afterwards, I sent him an email asking him to explain how he could threaten this when it's not true. He said it wasnt his intent.
Then I wrote OMG, "I know when I'm being screwed with, I'd rather
you lay me on your couch and do it right."

Lord help me! He sent me a very calm email saying I was acting out
and he hoped I would take the high road and maintain my stability.

Felt so embarrassed this morning. I dropped a nice book off in his office
this morning and left him an apology note. I was feeling so many emotions. Hurt by him for essentially misleading me which felt manipulative, and wanting him at the same time. I haven't heard a word
from him yet. It's going to be hard if he stays silent but I dont blame him.

Had no response to my post. Guess no one wanted touch it. Is what I said that bad? My T has not really brought this up since. He just thanked me for the book and that was it. Oh, he did mention how I got upset about the hospitalization but not my comment about him screwing with me. I dont know why he would want to continue seeing me as I have told him several times now that I have feelings for him. I fear he will drop me even though he says he wont. Should I continue to tell him how I feel? It gets to the point where I need him so much I just have to tell him. He really doesn't talk about it much with me. Kind of blows it aside
but in a way that doesn't really hurt me. I cant leave him. This is so hard. I don't know if my feelings are interfering in my therapy. I dont feel like I'm making any progress.

It's not bad it's just concerning. It is hard to give any advice about this therapy situation, other than it shouldn't be happening. This is just so un-therapeutic!

Please elaborate. Is it all me doing something wrong?

This is just such an unskilled therapist. No healing is taking place. Ethical lines are being blurred all over the place. It's just so sloppy on his part and the focus seems so little on healing... that it's almost hard to read about.

Hi Masimo,

What way do you feel towards your therapist?

You say you don't understand why he keeps seeing you because you told him you had feelings for him- but if that was the case most therapists wouldn't see anyone, as SO many clients develop feelings towards their therapists as a form of transference- maybe seeing and wanting therapist to me a mother figure, father figure, protector etc. If your feelings are sexual, this too is not uncommon, it's usually called Errotic Transference. Is this why you said you would rather he screwed with you in the sexual way?

I think you over reacted to whatever your T said about hospitalising you or the possibilty of being hospitalised because you were harming yourself. As he said in his response, he didn't intend to make you feel he was threatening this but my guess is that he was saying he could and would do it if he felt you needed it.

I think your reaction was more than it needed to be for being upset by his comment and your anger got the best of you, however he seems to be moving past it and thats good. Like everyone else in the human race- we all make mistakes. You apologised and even gave a small gift, so I dont think he holds this against you which is positive. Theres no need to beat yourself up about this so much

Oh, Massimo, LOL!! Not laughing at your situation, but what you wrote to him made me laugh. Angry, seductive, witty. Would have expressed exactly how you felt, and I'm sure that wasn't lost on him. Why would he be angry? If anything he may have blushed and realised he had upset you, for which Im sure he would have felt apologetic.

It is concerning that he brushes aside your feelings for him. These should be discussed or at the very LEAST, acknowledged. Two questions that come to mind, firstly is he avoiding it because he doesn't have the skill to navigate the topic, is he unsure of how to steer it usefully and therefore steers around it. Or secondly, is he avoiding it for the sake of his own feelings, perhaps he finds it embarrassing and therefore uncomfortable.

Whatever the reasons, it should be discussed. It IS your therapy, and you have a right to get what you need from it; Could you lead the subject instead by simply asking him what he thinks is the reason for you wanting him so bad. This gives him something to directly address, and an angle to address if from. If he struggles to give you an even vaguely insightful answer, you'll then have a strong reason to question his competency.

I think your feedback to the therapist was succinct... and it resulted in your T realizing that you felt threatened, when he wasn't intending that... perhaps you could discuss what his real intent was? I suspect it was to show how serious this could be for you, the self harming (cutting can sometimes go awry) and how much he cares.

Hi

The reason I didn't reply was because I was confused- have read in previous threads that he himself has made inappropriate comments to you and blurred the boundaries. And then is very strict with you when you make a joke? Sorry you got no replies

Masimo. Just read this thread. Well, you sure made your point! Got his attention I'd say. And it sounds like point taken!

My T has threatened me with Day Programs - Hospitalization - sleeping meds (recovering addict) you name it. The last time she did, I asked her point blank "Have you been listening AT ALL during these last 3 years???!!" "I'm an addict. I don't do pills." "If one is good, more is better..." That's what this addict does!

One time I remember during a particularly "lively" session jumping up and screaming at her to "Go F*** Yourself!" and stormed out of her office...! And you know I was hurt when she didn't come after me (!)

Point is we say lots of things we later regret to our T's - well at least I have. Can't speak for nobody but me. And I'm guessing they're prepared for that. Trained in their responses. I know for me I felt I was such a scum bag that I was convinced everybody else felt the same way. Some might, but I'm convinced my T doesn't. Heck, she's told me she loves me!! Ask me if I didn't take that one and run with it!!! But I know what she means now. She sees in me that which I cannot see in myself.

Good luck with your T. He's probably forgotten all about it.

Thanks for saying this - I just read it and I needed to read this.