[qwerty000]

I am in love with and sexually fantasize about my therapist.

I've discussed both with her in therapy, and I'm still amazed at how well she has handled it (and continues to do so); although, I guess my amazement is largely influenced by my issues with attraction, sex, and self-image.

I have brought up transference. I told her that I do not believe my feelings are the result of transference, and explained why I thought I feel the way I do about her. She seemed to agree with my assessment.

I will almost certainly elaborate on this in the future, but I wanted to keep it short and simple for now.

[qwerty000]

I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought I would elaborate on this a little. I was well on my way toward a very lengthy addendum, but as I was writing it, I realized it was too personal, so instead, I will just post an abbreviated version...

I do not believe what I'm feeling is transference because there is no relationship for me to transfer in the first place. I've never had a romantic relationship, hardly dated, and never even really allowed friends to get close.

Physically, there was a strong attraction from the first time I saw her, which was noticeably stronger the first time I was alone with her in therapy. I attribute that largely to the fact I'm fairly uncomfortable in group. I wanted to reveal this to her in our very first session, and she even provided the window, but my excessive boundary issues, combined with the fact I was scared since I'd never expressed that to any woman, prevented me from doing so for a while. However, once I did, it was a like a huge burden was taken off my shoulders; not just relating to my attraction to her, but to sex in general. Long story short, immediately thereafter I started to fantasize about her in a way that I'd never really fantasized about anyone before, and more importantly, allowed myself to actually enjoy it. Gradually, through fantasizing about her, I've started to find my own sexuality.

I think that has played a huge part in how I feel about her emotionally, both directly and indirectly. Being able to talk to her about that has made talking about everything else seem so much easier, which has allowed me to open up with her more than I ever have with anyone else (by a ton).

I was pretty much shut down emotionally when I started therapy, and there had been gradual progress up until that point, but going through this and everything it has allowed me to talk about with her has basically opened the floodgates. At least, internally, in private, and with her; I'm not to the point that I can stop myself from shutting down around other people yet. Since that drastic shift, it's like I'm hypersensitive to everything I feel, especially what I feel towards her.

[LavalampTerry]

I hear ya Querty! For an "abbreviated version," I think you said it quite well. I started to have transference feelings about my T shortly after starting with her - about 3 years ago. I didn't get around to telling her until a few weeks ago. (See : "Gang, it's out there" thread) And your right. Once I said that it did feel like a huge load was lifted. And, again I can relate that once I had said that, I can now pretty much talk to her about anything. THAT was my most guarded secret.

I will question one thing you said, however. As my T explained to me when I "confessed" my feelings for her - these transference issues aren't having to do with any sort of past ROMANTIC relationships. They - at least in my case - are related to needs not met as a CHILD by my parents/caregivers. And that - as a matter of fact - transference issues are at the ROOT of my reason for being in therapy in the first place! That due to those unmet needs, whenever I feel them being met today - in whatever social interaction I find myself in - the tendency is to "latch on" in an attempt to finally get those needs met.

So it made sense that of course I would do this with a T, who gives me her undivided attention every week & gives me the support, acceptance, and unconditional love (yeah, she said she loves me) that I've yearned for all my life.

So I don't know if all that applies to you or not. But I can tell you that it sounds like your having pretty frank conversations your T - which I resisted for a long time and now that I've started I believe that we can find our way through whatever comes along.

Good luck to ya Querty! Sounds like your doing just fine!!

Lavalamp

[qwerty000]

Originally Posted by Lavalamp

I hear ya Querty! For an "abbreviated version," I think you said it quite well. I started to have transference feelings about my T shortly after starting with her - about 3 years ago. I didn't get around to telling her until a few weeks ago. (See : "Gang, it's out there" thread) And your right. Once I said that it did feel like a huge load was lifted. And, again I can relate that once I had said that, I can now pretty much talk to her about anything. THAT was my most guarded secret.

I will question one thing you said, however. As my T explained to me when I "confessed" my feelings for her - these transference issues aren't having to do with any sort of past ROMANTIC relationships. They - at least in my case - are related to needs not met as a CHILD by my parents/caregivers. And that - as a matter of fact - transference issues are at the ROOT of my reason for being in therapy in the first place! That due to those unmet needs, whenever I feel them being met today - in whatever social interaction I find myself in - the tendency is to "latch on" in an attempt to finally get those needs met.

So it made sense that of course I would do this with a T, who gives me her undivided attention every week & gives me the support, acceptance, and unconditional love (yeah, she said she loves me) that I've yearned for all my life.

So I don't know if all that applies to you or not. But I can tell you that it sounds like your having pretty frank conversations your T - which I resisted for a long time and now that I've started I believe that we can find our way through whatever comes along.

Good luck to ya Querty! Sounds like your doing just fine!!

Lavalamp

I'm guessing that may be the difference? My issue is that I don't latch onto anyone. Or, I guess I should say I didn't latch onto anyone before her, including my prior therapist.

I appreciate your response. I'm certainly no expert, but from my reading I was under the impression there are various types of transference. When I brought it up and explained why I didn't think it was transference, she seemed to agree, which is a big part of the reason I hold that position. If she said otherwise, then I'd probably try to pick her brain to try to understand it. Perhaps I will ask her about it again as things progress, and see if her position has changed at all.

[qwerty000]

Also, I don't know if, or how, I'd be able to handle my therapist telling me she loved me.

[Liam Grey]

Please, keep us updated. Unfortunately I have not practical suggestions, but I can relate to your story (having some kind of transference too) and you did a wonderful job in describing your situation, so... let us know how is going.

I wish you the best!

[LavalampTerry]

Querty : As you mentioned, when I started therapy 3 years ago I was pretty much emotionally dead too. I mean I was married for 25 yrs to a beautiful woman who adores me - had raised 2 wonderful boys - was within 6 years of retirement - and appeared to be living a pretty comfortable life. Problem was inside I was dead. Even with all the good I was tired of my life. And mostly tired of not caring - of nothing meaning anything - and of feeling alone & ungrateful. Tired of beating myself up for not enjoying the life I'd been given. So while I might have been with people, I really was alone. Incomplete - broken. Only I knew that. I couldn't let anybody know. They'd leave me.

Then Mom died. And, what I've come to understand is common, I started to reflect on things growing up. Couldn't seem to stop it. It seemed the more I tried to NOT think of those things the more I did think of them. And the pain of that almost killed me.

So I went to therapy. And met this wonderful woman who sat with me & listened to me & validated me & made me feel special and unique. And safe. She called me a "Piece of God." Wow! Blew me away.

And I fell in love with her! Felt just like a school boy crush. I'd primp before going to see her - made sure I looked my best. Rehearsed what I'd say in session - in what order - fantasied about her between sessions. Agonized over the thoughts of her being with another man. Made every excuse to call her in between sessions just so I could hear her voice. And felt like a horrible husband for having these thoughts about another woman. Had it BAD!

As I said that started shortly after starting therapy - 3 years ago. Finally when I thought I was going to lose my frickin mind I broke down and told her of my feelings for her a few weeks ago. And that's when we had that conversation about transference being at the root of why I'm in therapy today. And by examining my reactions to her caring, we can go revisit the injuries of my childhood and maybe finally heal them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand the feelings of being alone - even when we're with people. When being alone is the BEST/SAFEST place while also being the WORSE/MOST LONELY place. I put myself there many many times - I thought I had no choice - or alternative. But when someone came along and told me they loved me & as far as they were concerned I was a "Piece of God," I thought I'd finally found what I'd been looking for - since the crib. That which should have been given a long long time ago. And I reacted accordingly - as an injured child would react. That, for me, is transference.

Good luck on your journey. We'll get there.

Lavalamp

[qwerty000]

It's been a while since I posted, so a brief update...

April was pretty good, both dealing with this and in general, and I was fairly busy with school, so I didn't get around to posting. The past month or so has been really difficult though. I found out for sure that my current therapist will be gone in 7-8 weeks, and that was devastating. Partially because I love her and I don't want to lose her being a part of my life, but also because I have a report and comfort level with her that I've never had with anyone else, so I'm afraid of losing that as well.

Originally Posted by Lavalamp

I'd primp before going to see her - made sure I looked my best. Rehearsed what I'd say in session - in what order - fantasied about her between sessions.

This is something I did. I didn't consciously realise I was doing it.

[LavalampTerry]

I have an update too.... I saw my T this morning for the first time in 3 weeks. We have been on vacation. It was SO good to see her again! Wanted to hug and kiss her. Just on the cheek....You know - affectionately. We started with some "small talk." Talking about vacation - if she's enjoying her summer, etc. Nice. She seemed to really like my taking an interest in her life.

Then we got into the "meat" of the session...(Don't ask!! UGH)

And then as we were closing - making an appointment for next week - she came to me to hug me. (!!) We always hug at the end of our sessions. It was WONDERFUL. I've missed that hug. Caught myself "nuzzling" her. Wondered if she noticed....

I've come to believe that my T will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. SHE was the one who first supported me when I was "emotionally dead." Who coaxed that scared little boy out so he could be seen. Who, when he did poke his head out, encouraged him, accepted him, LOVED him. And SHE is the one who is doing that still today - when the past catches up to the present. (emotionally)

I can't imagine my life without my T in it. It would like a DEATH. Those 3 weeks seemed like 3 MONTHS!!

The trick for me is to ACCEPT the fact that I have been more "intimate" with my T than anyone I've ever known. Intimate in the things we've talked about and what she's done for me. And that includes 3 marriages - children - grandchildren - etc. I have to accept that I feel like this about her because of what she's given me - unconditional LOVE and SUPPORT. When I'm with her - it's all about ME.

But that's not "Real Life." In real life there is negotiation - there is considering OTHER'S needs. There are the realities of dirty underwear and dinner to be made - household chores to be done. I only see my T an hour a week. When she's on her best behavior - as am I - and it's ALL ABOUT ME. That's GREAT for a needy, injured child - but it's not what makes a successful adult relationship. It would UNHEALTHY if we were together and she only gave me what I didn't get as a child.

And I have to accept the fact that I am a happily married man. Married to a lady who loves me and wants to make my life a little easier. Who has seen me struggle with being me. I'm in a relationship that requires negotiation - allowances - and compromise. Which is to say I'm in an ADULT relationship. And I'm darn lucky to have her.

So that's what I'm doing with MY transference - or whatever you want to call it. Separating the wounded child from the adult male who's trying to make sense of it all.....

And with all that being said, I'm already looking forward to next week's HUG!!!

Good luck. Keep postin!! It'll get better.

[allme]

awww it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with her...