[allme]

Hi guys.

Some of you may remember me posting a whole load of stuff here just over a yr ago I think it is now. I met the man in question, January last year. The attraction was instant...I loved his accent as it reminded me of where I was born and bread. He was funny, charming and attractive.

My feelings towars him became those of an erotic nature. I could not stop thinking about him.....day and night there he was on my mind. I would see him every Tuesday and as soon as I left him I would look forward to our next meeting....my next weekly dose...I felt like a drug addict, these feelings were so so so intense and I would have given up every thing to be with him.

Around a month or 2 into therapy, I admitted my feelings and how he was in my fantasies and how attracted I was too him. He told me that this can happen between client and therapist and not to worry as he had heard about so many examples from colleagues. I went on to tell him my feelings would have been the same if we had met via mutual friends or whatever. He sat there...thinking and then looked at me and said, he was also attracted to me. He then asked if I wanted a hug...I said yes.....and then I kissed him.

This contiuned until September last year. We only ever kissed and cuddled. I met him outside of therapy 2 months ago for coffee....went back to his place and again, just kissed and hugged. I don't know why we have never gone further, he has never pressured me into anything and said that he doesnt want to influence my actions.

Anyway....thats the story but the problem is I need to get away from him. I email him constantly and he blows hot and cold with his emails. I am thinking of him every day again and cant sleep cause of it all. I am over eating and my bipolat symptoms are all over the place...I am being triggered daily and cant take no more of it.

I know its wrong and all that stuff..I just need advice on how to get over him and manage without him. Sometimes I still feel like I love him and its soooo painful. I need to be released from his grip. I wish we had never crossed that line. But we did......

How do I move on without him and thinking about him every day?

Also, if it was erotic transferece...what does that say about me?

[geez]

Allme I'm glad to see you back on PC but I'm sad to hear that you are in the same situation. I don't have much to say but I wish you lots of strength and conviction to be done with him. If he is an addiction to you then yikes! Are you in therapy with someone to help with this?

[allme]

Hi and thank you. yes, thats the best way to describe it....addicted. No I am not in therapy ....maybe thats what I need...but with a female :/ Its just killing me and it nearly destroyed my life ....I still fear it could

[geez]

If I remember correctly did you go into the hospital a while back because of all of this? Did you have a different T then?

[allme]

yes you are correct but didnt have a new T. Just a CPN....but the CPN is because I have bipolar, not because of what happened with him. I am gonna go to docs tomorrow and see if i can get some counselling or something..... I cant take it anymore

[swimmergirl]

(((((((((allme)))))))))))

That sounds very very hard to deal with. Your T was out of line for crossing well established boundaries and I am sorry you are suffering. I think the first step is to get in to see another T. Tell him/her upfront about what has happened..........do they have the experience to help you. The other thing I would do, once you start seeing another T and have got support from that avenue, is to cut off all contact with your old T. It will hurt like hell............it will feel like a death..........but I think in some ways it will be easier to go cold turkey, if you feel you can.

[allme]

yes, I have tried to cut all ties before and it felt exactly that....like death I am so scared But hopefully with a new t I will get through this.....I have to! I have no choice, I can't be a slave to him any longer Its destroying me.....EVERY day, he is there on my mind....I hate him for this at the same time, just so confusing

[swimmergirl]

(((((allme))))))

Keep posting here as you want/need to. There are many people here who can help you, or at least send their love your way. I am going through the loss of a T right now. It is nothing compared to your story at all.........everything was healthy and good.........but it still hurts like hell and is like a death. So in that respect you are not alone. I found as I posted that many people know what it's like to lose a T. Make sure you have your supports in place before you do that. Do it when YOU are ready. Also, if you feel up to it........you may want to report him. Chances are he will do this to somebody else, if he hasn't already. I understand that you are scared..........that is why you need someone professional to help you through this.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey there,

I am sorry your T let the boundaries be broken and didn't think of what was best for you in the long run. The reason he probably blew hot and cold was because part of him wanted to pursue the relationship and the other part knew that he could loose his career. He let his own feelings get in the way and in ways he took advantage of someone vulnerable.

I don't think having erotic transference says anything bad about you, I think it just shows that you are craving a close relationship with someone you can trust. Transference happens in nearly all theraputic relationships.

The best move now may be to look for a female therapist who you can work through all your feelings with. I say female mainly because you may fear the same thing happening again with a male therapist. It sounds like you need someone to talk to about how this has all left you feeling.

best of luck xxxxxxxxxxx

[Marie123]

"transference" is just a fancy word for feelings. It is present in ALL relationships, not just the therapeutic. As the others have stated, working with a female therapist would help.

[allme]

Thank you for your hugs and support

I met my new CPN today, she is wonderful and very understanding. I already had a CPN who knew all about this situation but moved out of her area so now have a new one. She was disgusted with what I told her about him....she urged me to report him when i am ready, which I dont think I will ever be. He works up and down the country and she told me he probably has a girl in evey city he works in

I am thinking about him again today...wanting to txt or email him....its taking everything in me to not do this. I wish he would end it with me...it would make it easier on me. I hate waking up every day knowing that when my day starts, so does my thougts about him and then evening comes and its just so horrible for me. I sit up most of the night feelings depressed and anxious trying to work my feelings out but I can't.

I am an ex drug addict and have strong urges to go back to drugs....I need to escape and get away from my self, thoughts and feelings. I need time out

[allme]

another thing my CPN said was that he is stringing me along....and at the moment he is emotionally abusing me. Its so painful to think about ......in a right mess

[LavalampTerry]

AllMe : My struggles with transference are well documented here. I originally found this site by Googling "So your in Love with your therapist." And was led here. By looking at my posts - if you choose - you'll see the progression from a scared, lost client who was having these feelings about his T when he was a married man. And the fear of being rejected by someone he couldn't imagine his life without (his T) if he were to tell her about this, as was suggested here. And feeling horrible about what he described as having an "emotional affair" with someone he'd never have in spite of being married to a wonderful woman who "deserved better." The posts talk about struggling with these feeling for 3 YEARS until he finally took the HUGE step of leveling with his T.

And the posts talk about the wonderful events that have taken place since. The newly found - appropriate - affection for his T. The rekindled - genuine - affection for that wife at home. They talk about the new life they are building together. And the fact that he's learned that transference - while painful - is a natural, predictable reaction to FINALLY getting his needs met after a lifetime of that not being the case. And I'm here to say my confessing my feelings for my T was the BEST thing I've ever done to help myself. Would not have been possible without the kind, loving, gentle support of the marvelous people who frequent this site.

But -- that's not gonna be YOUR story ALLME. Not with this T. I rarely give advise - or even suggestions. I'm a believer that each has to travel their own path, their own way, in their own time. But in this case, I'm gonna be so bold as to offer a suggestion...

RUN away from this guy!!! He is unethical - immoral - and needs therapy of his own. I work in the healthcare field and every day I hear or witness horror stories of therapists or counselors taking advantage of the very people who have come to them for help - with often TRAJIC results for the client. I would hate to see you become one of them...

I know transference. "Been there - done that." Still go there occasionally to tell you the truth. And I know how excruciatingly painful it can be. By the time I told my T I honestly thought I was losing my mind. And I know how intoxicating that feeling of "somebody cares" can be. And the feeling that I would have given everything up if I could just to be with her. I told her early on I wish we had met under different circumstances. Still feel that way sometimes... (Got a little work left to do I guess!)

I also know addiction. I'm 27 years sober. Alcohol & drugs. I've NEVER seen someone get off their "drug of choice" a little at a time. You gotta put it down and leave it there...

So that's why I say -- RUN away from this guy. And NEVER get near him again. There's a saying in AA. "If you hang around a barber shop long enough, you'll eventually get a haircut."

Except in cases like yours, that could be fatal - or at the very least, life changing...

Sorry if I rambled - or stuck my nose in where it doesn't belong. But I HATE to hear about clients being ABUSED. Especially now that I know - from my experience and those of others here - that there are so many WONDERFUL clinicians out there.

Good luck!!

Let us know how it turns out

[SoupDragon]

I am so sorry that this man acted so unprofessionally towards you - we trust our T's to maintain boundaries because crossing them can have negative consequences and at the end of the day are just not helpful to us - I am sure that attraction can arise between T and client either way round - but that is a personal need and this man was supposed to be working in a professional capacity - IMO you owe him nothing, he abused his position with you and that reflects badly on him and the profession as a whole. Was he accredited with UKCP? Good luck in working through this, I can imagine it feels so painful right now -

[allme]

thanks again for your support.... I really appreciate everything you are advising and the support. One day at a time. Today I haven't txt or emailed him. And I just hope he doesnt bother answering my last email..... in a way anyway...

[allme]

Thanks for sharing your story with me Lavalamp Good to hear you came through it all and actually ended up quite positive! I just wish my T had been as ethical as yours

[TayQuincy]

Hi allme. You got a lot of great advice when you posted this before so if you can go back and reread your previous threads, you might find that helpful.

[LavalampTerry]

Yes..... "Just for Today."

Take good care.

[WePow]

I wonder if you have a love addiction?

http://www.recovery-man.com/loveaddict.htm

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.c...ddictive-love/

Seriously, my T is a sex addiction therapist and he said some females (and males) get what they call a "love addiction" .. And it sounds like the abuser therapist in your situation is getting his high off you and no doubt many other woman in the same boat.

[allme]

thanks all..

Tay..I dont really want to drag up old posts...all that is in the past and my circumstances with him have changed since then (not being in therapy with him anymore and in quite a bit of denial) and also if I remember correctly, some ppl were not very nice to me and it also got quite heated so no, i wont be re-reading old posts. I stopped posting about it because of some of the attitudes i was getting through posts and private messages were not very helpful. I was being judged and that wasnt fair and still isnt fair on me. This situation isnt my fault and it isnt an easy one either but at the time, i remember being in chat talking about it one night when things were pretty bad and I had been up most of the nihgt crying.....the person who I was talking too got quite irrate with me....again, I have no idea why ppl were getting annoyed with me......its making me mad just thinking about it. I am taking serious steps this time to get him out of my life once and for all, however I have no doubt there will be times that I go back into denial to protect myself and kid myself its 'the real deal'.

So all I ask is that, pls dont judge me.....this isnt my fault, and I never asked for any of this. This horrible man took advantage of me during a weakened state, he knew which buttons to press and he did. He knew I had a self image problem and played on that with his words. I was taken in, suckered in and at the time it didnt feel bad.....i was craving for any attention and he gave it to me in large doses.

Today, is another day that I havent contacted him Again last night I couldnt sleep, or lay next to my husband through the shame of it all. A part of me is telling me that my husband is too good for me and I should leave him as he deserves better, but at the same time, my husband does nothing for my confidence, his constant bombardment of nagging and his critical, opinionated nature makes me feel terrible. He never says anything nice about me and makes me feel worthless and unloved at times. Although I love him, I dont think we should be together.

Argh all this talk is just making me feel worse...

[allme]

hmmm I dont know why, but I went to look at those old posts but they are not there, which I am glad of as they would have only upset me some more

[WePow]

You are for sure NOT at fault for that that jack-alope T did to you.
I am just sorry it happened.
If you don't have what your soul needs from your H, maybe it is time to work on that part? You DESERVE the best in life and you DESERVE to be healthy and happy. Not because of anything you did to deserve it, but because you are a LIFE and a child of the universe.

[geez]

((((Allme)))) I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage and your lack of feeling loved. Do you think this has played a role in your attraction to your x therapist? Have you and your husband considered couples counseling? (unfortunately my husband won't go but I think if I tell him my fears of divorce and how what we are doing isn't working it may help? - otherwise perhaps it's the self help route?).

I also remember the old posts. People were getting frustrated as they were making logical points and probably wanted to help you but got frustrated in your situation and the bouncing back and forth between "I love him - to - why is he hurting me?". Not making excuses just what I remember.

I wish you all the best and some peace of mind. You can conquer this. Keep talking to your current T about it.