Said i loved him

OMG...I sent an email to my T about trust and ended it with
"Stop me...but I love you"

He hasn't responded yet and I'm not sure if he will.
He knows how I feel about him, but I haven't actually come
out and said the word love. I actually feel glad that I was
honest. I hope he is as well. I hope it doesn't make it more
difficult to see me. He already knows I have erotic transference
towards him and I have said I care for him, want him to hold me,
have fantasies about him. But Love? Hope I didn't make a mistake.

How long have you been seeing your T? I'm curious what his response will be as well!

I have been seeing him for exactly 4 years, wow.
I just sent him another email saying that its not everyday
I tell someone I love them. Feel like I have gone way out on a limb.
That I dont want to fall. I'm hanging precariously. That I dont want
to be rescued, but at least noticed.

Hey MASIMO. I've been seeing mine coming up for just on four years now too, feel the same way as you do about yours. four years is a long time to be so close to someone, I would expect that you would have some feelings of love by now, if not very strong ones. Therapists tell us 'oh its just transference'. Undoubtably there is an element of that there, that can't be denied, it's in all our relationships in one form or another. So of course it's going to come out strongly in therapy and toward the therapist. But if yours is like mine, actually very handsome, and he listens and spends time with you, hears what you say and understands you, of course you're going to fall in love with this man. It's part of the process, i don't know why but it seems to be a necessary part of therapy. We have to fall in love, get our hearts professionaly broken, and then find a way to heal them again and move forwards. This bitterly painful process, where the T doesn't reciprocate but is still there to support you, feels miserably painful but it's somehow magic in the way it transforms us into strong, self confident women who realise that we don't 'need' to have that love from our T afterall, or from anyone, to be truly who we are and who we want to be. It's a two edged knife. But in the end healing. Hopefully.

After 4 years masimo, don't be at all afraid of how you feel. Those feelings are yours, they are positive, embrace and own them, and shout them to your T if you can, love is a positive feeling, celebrate your ability to feel this way. If he's worth his salt, he'l realise that he's in a privileged position to recieve this from you, and he'll see it as a positive thing, you being in contact with your ablity to feel such powerfully strong positve feelings. Embrace it, own it, be proud of it!

We can fully love our Ts and respect them, and they can love us and respect us... and all of this can happen without crossing any boundaries. Enjoy the good emotions and don't be afraid of what life is about. Life, laugh, love!

I have been seeing my t. for 3 years. I told her i am having feelings for her . She said it was because of unconditional positive regaurd. I feel heartbreak like i never had before. I try to keep in mind any song about unrequited love. The verse in a song Your beutiful , but i must face the truth, i will never be with you, fits well

7 years with my t....there isn't anything we cannot discuss....and we do....he knows of my feelings; discussed in 6 years ago, along with poetry. Transference is just a fancy psych. word for....feelings..Transference is present in ALL relationships.

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just...are.

Not just indigenous to women either.... I've been in love with my T since shortly after going to see her 4 years ago. Just told her a few months ago. While telling her helped some - largely due to her wonderful response - those feelings pursist. I STILL think of her between sessions. Try to "look my best" when I see her. Look for subtle signs that she is attracted to me too. Heck, last nite I DREAMT about her....

But I've come to see that this woman will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. From our work together - the intimacy of our relationship. Her unconditional love of me from the first day we met. She told me once : "Of course I love you, Terry. How could I not?" Well -- same goes for her. How could I NOT love someone who has given me all the very things I've been looking for all my life!!

MY job now is to try to keep my feelings for my T in their proper place AND try not to beat myself up too much for having them.....

Well, we talked. I had to change the subject from my husband to us.
Maybe he was avoiding it as he knew it was going to be a difficult session.
I actually broke down and cryed. I told him I had opened my heart to him.
Something I haven't done for a long long time. That I know I was living in my own world where I felt protected and safe, one that wasn't realistic for us. He had commented before that he needed to keep a safe distance.
I know he is right but it hurt. When I first sat down in his office, I say
sarcastically, "watch out, keep your distance, you might catch something"
He only pulled the chair I normally sit in closer....so I sat on the couch.
He said he didn't want to be responsible for causing me pain, and he hopes
I can focus on my family and friends as my support system while offering me what support he can. I broke down saying I felt like an idiot, ugly, pathetic, anything I could think of to tear myself down. He really didn't say much. I think it was hard for him to watch. On my way out the door, he shook my hand...a very symbolic gesture...he touched me.

Later that night he sent me an email saying that his handshake was conveying that I was not undesirable, unloveable, pathetic, unwanted and it was up to me how I interpreted the negative feelings I was having about myself. It was not what he was conveying. So, I'm interpreting
this as him saying he does find me desirable, lovable, wanted. It's what I want to think.

I feel very relieved to have had this conversation with him, to cry in front of him was very hard for me, to explain why I care for him, tough stuff.
But, I feel much better I was honest and we have an understanding that
there can be nothing more between us. I can choose to live in my fantasy world sexually, but in therapy, I want to continue to develop a stronger sense of trust and closeness just appreciating his caring for me in an appropriate and professional way.

WOW you are brave to tell your therapist that...LOVE is a serious word, so I hope he takes you seriously Wish I would have the guts to tell mine as well

That is very brave of you. Remember though, that love comes in many forms. My T (female) has told me many times she has love for me and I certainly have love for her. I think the love for a therapist is a unique kind of love, and one that is probably necessary to ensure a feeling of safety and trust.

Nice to see my thread come up again. I still struggle with
romantic love for my T. He has taken two vacations recently
that have been very hard for me. I dont do well when he is gone
and he knows it.

I saw him yesterday, I just wanted to jump his bones.
When I first used the word love, he thought about it and replied,
"I guess I will just have to get used to it" and he smiled. I thought that was OK for him to say.
He knows I'm going to say it even though it makes him somewhat
uncomfortable. I flirt with him, mostly through emails where I am
braver than in person. He doesn't usually respond to my comments
of love or flirtation, he just accepts me and my feelings. I have
fun with it and I'm sure he gets a kick out of it...hopefully more!
Slap me...thats not reality for me to think it would become anything more.

He has indulged me with a transitional object...a cute stuffed owl.
It reminds me of him because he is wise, is a night owl, and to be in my
wise mind. I have named it part of his last name. It sits overlooking me,
sometimes gives me the evil eye, but mostly says you can take me down
off my shelf and hold me anytime you need me. I feel so foolish, like such a child....but it works.
I have brought it to him twice and asked him to hold it during our
session and then return it to me. When I get upset, lonely or depressed,
I hug it, sometimes sleep with it. My husband must have seen it but
hasn't said a word. I think he is afraid to ask. He must think I've lost it.

I am so glad I told him of my feelings....anyone struggling with this,
please take a chance and do it. You will feel so relieved and that your
relationship has become honest. Even if things dont work out with T,
as least it was based on truth.

Wow. I've read this thread a few times but today was the first time I noticed what - I forget who said it - said. "We have to get our hearts professionally broken so we can heal and eventually get to the place where we realize we don't need our T's love - or anybody else's for that matter to feel whole." (Or something to that affect) Pretty timely for me!! I'm beginning to re-evaluate if I want to stay married and I felt that sentence... In the past whenever I wondered if I should stay with this woman the fear of having nobody made the problems "not so bad." So -- whoever said that -- THANKS!! Something to chew on...

HAHAHAHA half this comment sounds like something I could have written My T just had a vacation too, to fricken greece, and I was MISERABLE without him, and now he announced that he is going again in 2 weeks, that is SO NOT COOL UGH I get nausea thinking about him being gone....not healthy I KNOW!!!!
I think its really cute with the owl, I wish I could bring a stuffed animal for my T to hold as well but he would freak out on me instead

Beautifully said... now if I could just get to the point where the pain of the love for my T stops, and the healing begins.

Well, good luck with that...! I've been seeing my T for over 4 years - have been in "love" with her for almost the entire time. Have told her and gotten my heart broken - in spite of the realities - and still see her. I told her a LONG TIME AGO I wish we had met under different circumstances. I can't imagine a day when I won't wish that... I guess now it's about facing the realities of our relationship, taking the positives where I can, and move on with my life. But that wish will ALWAYS be with me...

Maybe that's where the healing is...

Terry

Had an extremely difficult session yesterday with T.
Discussing leaving my abusive husband. As I was leaving,
I just stared at him, my eyes teared up, I must have looked
like a sad puppy. He asked me if he could have a hug.
I went to him and said thank you. He really knew I needed
his physical comfort at that moment. Hugs only happen
ocassionally. Sometimes I ask, sometimes he does, but
its before or after an absence or a difficult session so I
think he is maintaining his boundaries. But, I live for his hugs.
Man, if I could just bottle them. Good things come to those
who wait.

Masimo, I love your post it is so honest and truly from the heart. I think your T sees that in you too

Part of therapy work in this area is to be sure not to feed the beast. The beast being that part of you that desires your T in sexual ways. It isn't easy, but it is part of the work that the patient needs to do... therapy is work. It is good to recognize the feelings, and work through them with the therapist, but to truly heal and not feel so hopelessly "in love" with the T, blocking the needing thoughts when they come begins the process of healing.

Masimo,
your honesty and openess is very touching!
I think you showed great courage in expressing your feelings towards your T and working on it.
Thank you for sharing in such a beautiful way!

My therapist has been trying to prepare me for his trip to Vietnam
in February. He will be gone for a month...aaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhh.
He has brought it up a few times briefly. I told him I dont want to hear
anything about it. And if he really cared about me he wouldn't go.
He just grins. Do I have nerve or what?

Aside from that, I'm in the planning stages of leaving my husband
which is very painful and frightening. 35 years together.
So my sessions are pretty intense. Sometimes I get teared up
and even cry. I actually told him I wouldn't leave my marriage
while he is gone. He is my major support system and I need him
around. He said, perhaps we should talk about dependence our
next session, and independence. I wrote to him that I am striving for
independence by leaving my abusive husband, but that I need all the
support I can get now, from family, friends, and especially him. So
dont get on my case about dependence. Plus you leaving so long is
going to be really hard for me, not just because of my marriage
situation but for other reasons. He didn't say anything, just took my
hand and said, "lets get you out of here" meaning his office. He led
me by the hand to the exit door. I cant explain the feeling of being
led by him.

I LOVE HIM. A month away...tear my heart out.

During last night's session he told me he was probably going to be gone
next week. aaarrrggghh. As I was leaving, he asked for a hug.
I went to him. The warmth, the feeling of safety, and caring just flowed
through me. And yes the love. I find it hard to believe he doesn't feel
somewhat the same way. Women can sense these things. He kind of
whispered, "two weeks" in other words until I see him again. Does
this sound too intimate to you? I'm still feeling his warmth.

Are you going to see a substitute T while he is gone? Especially considering all you have on your plate right now. Where is your pdoc in all of this, or don't you take any psych meds?

To the mind, and to society, there are many kinds of love. But to the heart? I don't think so.

To the heart, there is really only one kind of love.