[BlueHen]

I am an older male, in love with my slightly older T of 7 years. I have expressed my feelings and T talks about transference, attachment issues, oedipal complex, etc. The situation has added to a depression I am suffering with right now. Tonight we openly discussed what to do -- do I leave if I am miserable, go more often, work through it. But the thought of never seeing her again pains me greatly because I care about her. I am thinking that if I cut back to once a month, it will help because if this is transference, attachment, it may reduce those issues and, at the same time, provide me with the stability that our relationship -- a more realistic one -- will continue. I will, of course, feel some loss but not the entirety of permanent loss. Does anyone have an opinion on this or has a similar experience of reducing appointments? You will be helping a very pained person. Thank you.

[mommyof2girls]

BlueHen, my experience has been that I too had tranference issues with my ex t.... I used to see him every week for about 1 year or so.... I then cut my sessions back to twice a month thinking that cutting back would help with the intense feelings that i had for my t, but it did not.... My feelings grew deeper and deeper for him, and eventually I ended up ending our sessions as we could not get through the transference.... It has been over a month since our last session, and I still miss him deeply.... I miss his voice, wisdom, and also his attention.... There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of my ext t .....So just because you may cut back your sessions, it will not decrease your feelings for your t....

[Marie123]

I have been in love with my t for 7 years and see him every week. He unfortunately, has feelings for me too. I told him that I would rather be in pain WITH him than in pain WITHOUT him. I have no idea if cutting back on appointments will help you, but you could try it.

[SallyBrown]

If you can endure (and afford) it, I'd actually try to go MORE often. I know that sounds counter-intuitive.

You basically have two choices:
1. Work with your feelings and find a way to manage them, and use what they will inevitably give you to advance your therapy, or
2. find a new therapist if you're unable to get anywhere with this one.

The thing is, you're kind of half-using breakup/unrequited love logic... if you see less of someone who doesn't love you back, you'll gradually get over it. But you're not just seeing your T, you're engaging in an intimate emotional relationship, and that's going to be true every time you see her. That's like seeing someone for whom you have unrequited love less often... but spending the night with them each time. I would guess it will actually be even harder going less, because by the time you see her again there will be so much stuff in between that you won't get through everything.

By seeing her more, you can process your feelings more frequently and closer to when they actually happen. Also, the more you see someone, the less you can romanticize them in your head . I see my T four times a week (yes, you read that correctly -- he's a training analyst), and I have seen him in bad moods, and endured all kinds of mistakes and missteps. And vice versa. So, much like the honeymoon phase of a relationship wears out when you REALLY get to know someone, I feel a stability in my love for my T now that makes it easier to manage.

I know this is overwhelmingly painful. What did your T suggest?

[Chronic]

I was/am in the same situation, except I have "daddy" feelings for my T. I have been seeing him for nearly 4 years, started with weekly sessions, went fortnightly, back to weekly, and so on. I thought not seeing him so often would help. It didn't. In fact I think it made things worse. Things got so bad back in July that I had to stop seeing him. It was a truly difficult decision because of how I attached I am, and the thought of not seeing him or being in contact with him was almost as bad as the feelings I have for him.

Anyway, I had a T break for about 3 months during which time he was still in my head, in the background but the intensity had lessened. Although in certain situations when I was triggered, my feelings for him would come flooding back. After 3 months I contacted him again because I still have (a lot) issues I need to deal with and I didn't want another T. I seriously considered this as I thought I wouldn't have the same feelings for a new T. But as one of my problems is relationships I was worried about hoe much time it would take for me to build another relationship with a T So I ended up going back to T a few weeks ago.

I don't know what you want to hear, but I can only speak of my experience. The pain has not gone. The intensity has not gone. I almost feel as if I have taken a step backwards in terms of my feelings for him. Nothing resolved in my T break. My feelings were simply put on hold until our relationship resumed. I thought after a break maybe I would be able to handle it better and my feelings wouldnt be so strong, but I was wrong.

I am now trying to work out what is best for me. Seeing him weekly is too intense for me- it makes me want him more. Seeing him fortnightly is not enough.

Maybe you could talk to T about what you are thinking. She knows you well and may be able to help come to a decision. Best of luck. This is hard.

[mcl6136]

Speaking of an old T.....

For me, the more I saw of my T the less the pain and longing. I realized that he wasn't a very good T to begin with, and as I outgrew him, I also outgrew the idealization of him...and the transference, and I was left with a big.....HUH?

I'm not minimizing the severe pain that I was in....longing for him, and wishing we could be in some kind of social or even romantic relationship but the closer...the worse it got, and eventually, my problem solved itself.

Now, when I think of the whole thing it reminds me of a particularly embarrassing crush....really cringle-worthy!

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by BlueHen

I am an older male, in love with my slightly older T of 7 years. I have expressed my feelings and T talks about transference, attachment issues, oedipal complex, etc. The situation has added to a depression I am suffering with right now. Tonight we openly discussed what to do -- do I leave if I am miserable, go more often, work through it. But the thought of never seeing her again pains me greatly because I care about her. I am thinking that if I cut back to once a month, it will help because if this is transference, attachment, it may reduce those issues and, at the same time, provide me with the stability that our relationship -- a more realistic one -- will continue. I will, of course, feel some loss but not the entirety of permanent loss. Does anyone have an opinion on this or has a similar experience of reducing appointments? You will be helping a very pained person. Thank you.

Hi Bluhen,
I myself have terrible tranferance with my t. It is a longing of a parent/child relationship. I am afraid cutting back on your sessions won't help you. In fact it may be more harmful because you will feel like you are depriving yourself even more of what you want i.e. close relationship. I try to tell myself that I really wouldn't want to have my t relationship be any different than it is now because then he wouldn't be my t. He prob isn't as good as a friend, spouse, dad as he is my t and I would surely be disappointed. I can't have both. I can't have my t relationship with him a long with another. It just wouldn't work and I have a suspicion that I would be more less content with another form of relationship. Food for thought. I am sorry you are hurting. I know it is a terribly painful place to be in.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by BlueHen

Tonight we openly discussed what to do -- do I leave if I am miserable, go more often, work through it.

I was painfully attached to my T (but not romantically) and I even wondered if it was an addiction. But my answer was exactly the opposite of yours: see her more often.

[BlueHen]

Y'all are so smart. T suggested more often. But I may try one or two months to see what happens in my case. Still considering what I want to do. Thank you for caring.