is relationship with T can become like a emotional affair ?

First of all, I am not seeing anyone to put the record straight. None had helped me in the past anyway.

But reading threads like " am in love with my T" sends shivers down my spine.

I am in no way condemning anybody at all !!! far from it !

I do not exactly know how to put it but confiding inner secrets and all form a bond..with T or anybody else for that matter.

With a decent T it should go no further although reading some threads..WOW !

If it was with just another person it would be called : an emotional affair..

I have been there so I do not judge or anything...but with a therapist..it should be different no ?

Should the therapist refer the client to another one if a client declares that they are in love with them ?

Just asking..

Only if the client is somewhat delusional and turns into a stalker. Being in love with a therapist and realising it's to do with transference, is a lot different then being in love with a therapist and wanting the therapist to marry you and not taking no for an answer.

Also don't forget, therapists can also fall in love with their clients. If this happens and the therapist can't handle it, he/she should transfer the patient to another therapist.

thats why some people choose a beautyfull t.

Hi loke..........

I can see where this would be hard to understand for you.........especially as it sounds like you haven't experienced it? Am I right with that?
I am glad you are not condemning or judging as there has been too much of that on this board recently.
You said you are not seeing anyone right now. Did you mean a T or does that mean you are not in a real life relationship?
I am not sure what experience you yourself have had in therapy. I can only speak for me. Forming a bond with a T.............a good, honest, reliable, trustworthy T...........is the most important ingredient to helping a client with whatever issues they brought to therapy in the first place. Without that bond, it doesn't really matter what methods or techniques the therapist has learned. If the client doesn't feel he can relate to or trust in his T or that his T doesn't care, he won't have the bond, and won't make progress.
I disagree that it should go no further and I also disagree that it is an emotional affair. It SHOULD be different with a T. First, the relationship between therapist and client IS DIFFERENT. When someone experiences feelings for a T(called transference........but that does not mean the feelings are not real) there is a REASON for it. It is mostly from unmet emotional needs as a child. Most people in therapy are there because somehow, somewhere, they are stuck in their development as a child. Something happened in that............and for most people is why they are in therapy.
For me, I didn't even know I had those unmet emotional needs as a child, until they started getting met by my T. And then oh my heck what a difference. Its like being starved your whole life and then finally being able to eat...........even if it is only one hour a week.
These are needs that everybody has. And most of the time............the feelings for a T are NOT a choice. Nothing about them is logical. They are intense, attachment, sometimes attraction, sometimes parental. They come on suddenly. They can be as strong as one's feelings for a spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or parent.
However, what one DOES about them IS a choice. (no judgment here). The T has the responsibility to maintain the boundaries. The T has the power. Which is why the relationship here IS different. Why it is not an emotional affair.Yes, the T cares but never as much as the client.
The relationship is different with a moral T because of the unconditional positive regard. Name any other relationship in one's life where there is unconditional love? A spouse............no, if you are abusive or cheat, one should leave. A friend, nope. Betray that trust and they are gone. It is usually only found in a parent/child relationship..............and some of those for some people have gone horribly wrong.
A good client/therapist relationship has the potential to meet some of those needs for the client, the unconditional positive regard, bond, whatever you want to call it, so that with time, hopefully the child inside the adult client can grow up and learn to take care of themselves.
One usually does not have an emotional affair with a parent type figure. In my case, it manifested itself romantically towards my T. I don't know why. It was from unmet needs of my 12 year old self for mostly my dad, but my mom too.
To sum up..........the feelings are usually not a choice and are a big shock to the client. And they are not reciprocated.....this is not to say that the T doesn't care, maybe cares a lot. But the client cares more. So they are not an affair. The relationship WILL end. It would not work in real life(for most people) as it is symbolic. But this in no way invalidates that the feelings are real...........and not just the symbolic nature of them. Most of us love what we DO know about our T's because they help us so much. Who wouldn't?
You really have to experience it to understand it. But it is very very painful. It can help a lot, help you progress, but don't mistake the underlying pain behind it. Who would chose that pain?
The therapist should NOT refer the client to another T unless the therapist also has very strong "in love" feelings for the client. And cannot handle them. Any therapist worth their salt knows this is a common occurence and should be excited as the reasons for the feelings, for most people, tend to be the real work of therapy anyway. A good therapist will not abandon their client. They will help them to know they are safe(in that the T will maintain the boundaries), they are cared about(in that the T is there for the right reasons and wants to help their client), and that they can figure this out together. To tell a therapist your feelings is the scariest thing I have ever done. And yet, it brought the trust to a whole other level and I would not trade that for anything. Hope this helps.

One does get the impression, reading here, of the unscrupulous T, shooting fish in a barrel. I think it helps me be more realistic about my feelings, seeing it from the T's perspective.

sg : That was beautifully said.

I think it was Jerry Lewis who said a few years back when his MDA association was under scrutiny : "For those who understand, no explaination is necessary. For those who don't understand, no explaination will suffice."

It does defy logic - but logice wasn't what got me to therapy in the first place..

I struggled with this issue for at least a year before finally telling my T. She was great about it and said that what I was feeling actually meant my therapy was working.
While I know that she likes/loves me as a person, I also know that is as far as it will go.
I thought she would have to send me to someone else when I told her that I thought I might be in love with her and had sexual feelings about her, but that wasn't the case at all. Telling her about my feelings was the best thing I ever did - I still love her but I know that the theraputic relationship has boundaries and I am actually glad for them.

I'd say I am having an emotional affair but its not romantic/sexual. I think my T and I are so close because she is meeting my needs of a mother and I am meeting her needs as a daughter. We haven't discussed that I am meeting her needs, but I know that I am and that's part of the reason she loves me. Of course, this type of relationship could be harmful for therapy, but it works for us.

Unfortunately, at the same time, I wouldn't mind our relationship becoming sexual at the end of my therapy. :shrug:

Swimmergirl - you really hit it on the head. I do not feel romantically attached to my T in any way or form but I do 'love' her. She has become the most important person in my life right now. She is helping me in the most deepest way that anyone could possibly do. It is the weirdest experience. I had no idea it would happen. We're right in the thick of things and I depend on her a lot. And I can see how easy it would be for people to feel romantic towards their T. Thank goodness I'm spared that part (for now anyway)

The reason why I aint telling my therapist about my feelings towards him is first of all, I`m afraid he wants me to see another therapist instead,and the thought of not seeing him anymore makes me sick
Second of all I dont want him to think its cuz we bond over sharing etc etc, I`m in love with HIM, not the therapist him ya know...and if I met him anywhere else I would never have shared all the crap that I did now so....I dunno how I could ever make him understand that

My t and I have been having an emotional affair for a long time....at some point I will also be his student (when I begin my Masters in Counseling) many, many years from now! There isn't anything we cannot (or have not) discussed, love, sex, death....everything in between. It was so scary years ago, when I told him of my feelings for him (and I figured he already knew...he did), but I felt the needed to be forthright and honest....and the poetry I gave to him....my passionate nature, LOl, LOL....my feelings haven't changed in the 7 years I have been with him....It hasn't been necessary to see him for the past 6 years, but I stayed because of my love for him.....every emotion that exists on the planet, I think I have felt all of those with him.......LOL, LOL...he now sits next to me on the couch.......

This message was interesting to read...do you think that would ever happen?? I think I would actually drop therapy(insano I know) if it meant that I got the chance to be with my T

Sometimes a therapist does just that: refer. The more experienced and better trained? therapists/psychologists allow the patient to bring the feelings to the forefront so the patient can work on them. Even someone who says they stay only because they love the T, is really still needing therapy because of the displaced love, imo. There are hidden reasons still perhaps for those feelings, feelings that need to be dredged up and applied appropriately to the person IRL family they belong to be directed to, imo. It's a scary thing, yes, it can be, to read about such indiscretion by a professional, should that be the story. Try and realize that many patients relate their feelings truthfully in their opinion, but it may not be what is really going "on" in therapy... It could be more of their desires than of reality. And then, you never know when someone will post something just to garner the reaction you've had. Take care of yourself, first.