Will I respect my T in the morning?

I have read a number of these posts, and I have to admit, I can understand them, yet I am bothered at the same time.

I understand because I, too, have had strong romantic feelings toward a T. One I had years ago. I even made a "pass." However, my T said acting on such feelings would be unethical. Even years later, I still think about this T occasionally. However, I know what happened was for my best.

Now I am having feelings for my current T. My T is giving me what I didn't get as a child--someone who cares and listens. And, yes, I do feel some sexual tension, too. I am working through these feelings, though, and trying to keep them from getting in the way of my therapy....

Please, all of you, remember that T's are professionals, who are trained to work with their patients in ways to help them to heal or at least to function better. They are not looking for future lovers, mates, friends, or any other such "dual" relationship. IF THEY GET INVOLVED WITH A PATIENT BEYOND SUCH A PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP, THEN THEY ARE VIOLATING THEIR AGREED-UPON ETHICAL PRINCIPLES. Especially sex with a patient is grounds for dismissal from their profession. It's always wrong. They are taking advantage of vulnerable people, such as folks who have low self-esteem, are in a bad marriage, are mentally ill, etc. They can also lose their license if they are found to be involved in other "dual" ways, too.

I know we don't want to accept this truth. I have certainly wished that I had met some of my T's under different circumstances, too.

Now and then someone writes in with what folks might consider a "success" story--e.g., "My T is divorcing and marrying me!! Yea!" And that gives some people hope. However, please know that this type of situation is very rare. In fact, it's not supposed to exist at all.

I have to say, as a professional myself, I just couldn't respect someone who would do something like that. Even if that person were my own T and the new spouse were yours truly....

I know my post won't likely be popular, but I just had to get this statement off my chest. I will not be responding to any posts about it. I'm stating that that's the way it is and should be. End of story.

Please work through these issues with your T. You'll find that you'll be the better for it, and your T will be able to keep the profession he/she dreamed of and worked hard for, and he/she will be able to continue to be able to help other people, too.

(Note: Getting into any graduate Ph.D. program in clinical psychology has historically been harder than getting into medical school. Just thought you might find that useful....)

:hug: ((((Payne1))) I hear ya! I'm going to have to block this forum because while I, too, understand how some patients take the transference too far and actually enjoy "feeding it" I just can't seem to find the balance on a post by post basis only... to counter the stuff that isn't good for someone and give them support at the same time (in only snippets like here and not full sessions.)

Sorry folks. I'm just not a moderator here. Take care.

Whoopsie! I just wanted to clarify that when I said "tension", I really just meant tension, not sexual tension? Tension in general is some kind of psych principal where they keep you uncomfortable enough to help you to change, but not SO uncomfortable that you can't function.

I'm sorry if people feel uncomfortable talking about this subject, but it was this thread that brought me to PC - I "somehow" received an email from my T intended for a CLOSE female friend. (Is there a smiley for puking?!) It helped me work things out - I am pretty sure T's do not use their client lists as a dating service! But being able to see him as a real live human has enabled me to better utilize him as my T, someone willing to discuss these feelings with me, so they can be dealt with once and for all, and don't come popping out of my mouth the NEXT time I am interested in someone who COULD be a real relationship, because I have certainly wrecked old r/s with my weirdnesses in the past, my inability to see people as more than just an object, a means to my ends. T asked me recently, what would it mean if he married me? My answer was, then everything would be alright. Hardly a compelling argument! I also once told him, I would know how to comfort him. If THAT'S not about mother-infant relations, what is? So I think THESE are the types of questions and feelings and longings that are ACTUALLY behind the music, so to speak. As someone else here said, there will only ever be one! Yes, there will only ever be one - mother. That disappointment CAN and needs to be dealt with, or it will color the rest of your life, damage your future, damage your children. Although it's too late for me on that account. I am just trying to salvage what time I have left. Could be 10, 20 years, that's not nothing. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

The way I see it:

1. Your fantasies harm no one, so long as you KNOW they are fantasies.

2. If you need T to be your lover or your infant, you can role-play that in words. It is OK to say, "I want to have your baby," or "I want to give you a bath." It is T's job to remind you that can never happen.

I agree. This forum is the most fun!

Yeah, but it's not about role-play. It's about my actually not knowing what I missed in my childhood, and what the effect was on me. I think other people grow up feeling that eveything IS alright. THEIR mothers don't tell them, someday somebody will like you, it's just not us. CE, you talk about being Aspergic. I am having memories of my mother saying, "she doesn't snuggle up." Sixty years ago, how WOULD a peasant Italian woman describe an autistic spectrum child? T said (yesterday!) it was her, not me, that was autistic. I'll accept that; it was nurture, not nature - but WHAT HAPPENED, or what DIDN'T happen, I think still affects me (and many of us here) on a day to day basis in ways I/we don't understand.

I don't need T to "remind" me it can never happen. I'm glad you raised this point. I don't need him to be on guard against me. What happens in the room, stays in the room, and NOTHING HAPPENS in the room. I trust him, he can trust me. I sit here, he sits there. I say this, he asks what it means, where it comes from. Like asking him to marry me. My family is so nuts, if I mention I like a ballplayer, they say, "Yeah but he's not going to marry you." Literally! Who do they think I am, a Kardashian?! OMG, it is actually starting to make sense now!

I am quite comfortable with the idea that you are Aspergic. You have that "Bull at a gate" and "Bull in a china shop" attitude that many Aspergics have.

You are Peppermint Patty, and there is no higher compliment.

Uh-oh, fight between CE & my T tomorrow! Plus today my pdoc said she noticed a big change in me since she took over my case, and told me to listen to Pres Obama's commencement speech to the Univ of Mich 2 years ago, about being open to the other point of view. She said I was always getting so put down by my family, I couldn't see that I had something to offer - which is how many of us feel about our friends here at PC when we see them so down - they can't see what we see? She said it's like what Obama said about Democrats and Republicans in this speech! You THINK you're one party because that's how you were raised, but in your heart you're a member of the other party. All your life you've been acting as not-you. I was like, I DO feel like not-me, and looking at it politically is not only hilarious, it removes a lot of guilt and blame... I'm still processing this. She (pdoc) is so smart for a young person!

All I have to say to that is 'whatever'. Oh boy, how easy would life be if we could all just listen to reason!? Yes yes yes, what you are saying is true and correct, however, it's not as easy as that....and nor are many things in life. This place is for ppl to share and receive support....not to be preached at by somebody that is as perfect as yourself. But hey, thanks for stating what we all know.......heard this kind of thing time and time again and believe me....it has never solved the issues of the problem before and I doubt it will now.

I feel I protect myself by keeping myself unattractive. I don't like the way I look, I am very uncomfortable, I am not healthy - but everytime I slim down, I get into trouble I can't handle. Feelings I can't handle. Situations where people don't listen to ME. To what I say, to what I want.

So I have never had the problem of being an attractive woman in therapy, or an attractive woman, period. I was cute and thin enough in high school and college to date & even have a couple of short marriages, but then with the sedentary job and stress, "things" started to get ugly.

So I am in no position to lecture to anyone. I do know the therapy room is a very weird space. This week T compared my dumbphone to Dr Who's telephone box - bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, because he says I get so much out of this little ancient crap piece of hardware (like PC!). The therapy room is like that too, isn't it? We're in this amazing relationship with this amazing person, and WE'RE amazing when we're in there, lighter than air - then we step out and we're subject to the laws of gravity again. But when you think of all the work our brains do every SECOND - you see why they need this kind of suspended animation environment in which to self-correct. Therapy IS kind of an active dream, isn't it? THAT'S why no fooling around allowed - that actually makes sense to me now! Hmm...

Oooh can I relate to all of that Hankster! For me, it came down to not trusting my own judgement. Unfortunately for me, I developed far too early. I was confused by the attention, and frustrated that my heart and head had no part in the equasion. So boys became friends and that was it. I made up for lost time in my 20's. My heart was not involved and that made a mess of things emotionally. I struggled with the madona / ***** dynamic for years. It's no surprise I never became intimate with any man I respected. To cope, I became a faux asexual and had loads of male friends. I was the eternal wingwoman. So having never created a sexual identity in adolescence that's a goal for me now. What I am curious about and dreading is how T will assist me to do so! It boggles my mind! Has anyone experienced such a process?

If I understand what you mean, I have created several sexual identities for myself throughout my life. I would think that, before T assists you, you would want to start with yourself. What do you know you love? What gives you pleasure? What kind of pleasure can you enjoy giving others? But even without others, think about these things. Invest in your own sexuality. Are we allowed to suggest self-pleasuring on this site? Anyway, I think that is where everyone should have the right to begin.

Hi Shipping!
I've only created two and they are often at odds! So I need to let them borrow ideas from each other and come up with something comfortable sort of in the middle. And my (new) partner to be will have to play a huge role in this. So, I am just trying to figure out what the T's countertransference role has been... Am I making any sense?!

I may not be following this thread accurately. Sorry if I'm off.

I don't have expectations or want my T to cross the line. I doubt seriously she'd even be interested in me. I just have strong strong feelings for her and have trouble dealing with them. I come here to find commonality and support in these feelings so that I hopefully can bring them out in the open in therapy. Then, maybe I can find out the reason for them and move on. That's my goal.