Painful jealousy toward therapist's partner

Hello ,

I feel better already, having read other peoples' posts.

Something weird happened recently that put me off balance regarding my therapist. I've been seeing a great therapist for several years. I was attracted to her from day one, and over the years I have had to talk about it with her at various times. I agree with those of you who find this to be torture. For me, it's the embarrassment plus shame over being a gay woman with a straight therapist and a lot of past pain and trauma over being rejected by my mom for being gay.
A few weeks ago my therapist was in an accident and went to the emergency room, and so she had to cancel all her appointments for that day, including mine. I got a phone call from some guy I've never heard of letting me know that she would be back the following week, but that I could call him if I had any questions. I didn't know who he was,but I was worried about her and looked him up online, and found out that he's her boyfriend, partner, whatever.
My therapist is really old school - doesn't talk about her private life very much, doesn't hug me or anything, which is fine with me. I knew she was divorced and figured that she dated and probably had a partner, partly because of something she said with a "we" in it. I realize that I'm jealous and possessive, but I managed to adjust to the hypothetical, unknown man in her life.

However, putting a name, a voice and a face to the real person is a whole different thing. I feel so devastated. I'm so jealous, I hate this guy. It has made me feel aloof toward her. I feel so humiliated and worthless. I'm both jealous of him because he gets to have her, and I'm also envious of her because she is so attractive and can have a successful heterosexual relationship, which I have always felt like I couldn't do - either because I couldn't be attracted to a man, or even when I have been, I don't feel attractive or that I know how to do it.

I don't know what-all. It's very complicated and humiliating. I feel abandoned and rejected and evil, having fantasies about taking martial arts so I can beat up men! It's stupid, I know.

URRRGHHH! This is so horrible. I am going to see her today. I have talked about it a little, but it's so hard. It's easier for me to talk about how much I hate him than how much I love her. I'm afraid I am going to be so obnoxious that she's going to end up hating me.

Thanks for letting me vent! I'm glad this forum exists.

I just wanted to reach out and say that you are not alone.

I am not attracted to my T- I don't think I'm adult enough with her to feel attraction- I just wish with all my heart that she was my mother. But I feel so many difficult things towards her husband, who is ever present because he's also a T and it's their joint practice. His name plate on the desk. Their 'his and hers' theses in the bookcase. I went through a phase of turning around his books, throwing away his name plate- doing anything to make it so that he didn't exist. And then I got locked in the building and he had to come to let me out Kind of like your phonecall I guess- the point where I came face to face with his realness. When I'm really struggling, T reminds me about her little daughter, who kicks up a massive fuss whenever T and her husband get close, and physically puts herself between them, and it helps to know that these are normal child feelings of wanting T all to myself. It's also kind of comforting to know that her daughter is policing the situation on my behalf

But there's more than that. I'm also gay with a straight T, and I am both fascinated and repelled by her straightness. How can T, who I know and love and understand, love men, which feels so alien and unimaginable to me? Sometimes, at weekends, I listen to their office answerphone (her husband's voice), as if his 30 second message holds the secret of how she can love him. The fact that she is straight pains me deeply in ways that I can't begin to understand, and it's one of the few things that T can't understand either It makes T so utterly 'other'... and then I remember that I am the one who is 'other'- T fits perfectly into this world. T got the life I wanted- partner, child, home, job- and then begins the next layer of jealousy...Layer upon layer of difficult feelings So much to carry and process I do understand

I hope your appointment went well. Do let us know if you'd like to...

other side of the coin, kind of - background, I have had a crush on this guy, "D", in my apartment complex for like 20 years, seriously, ridiculously. Nothing has ever happened between us, nothing ever will, but he's super intelligent and I love talking to him, and I guess he doesn't mind being worshipped! But everytime I mentioned him to T, I felt T would get a little rankled. Finally Monday I straight out said to T, you seem to get a little jealous when I mention D. T SAID I NOTICE THAT TOO. omg he admitted it. I said, what is it, you worried if we do get together, you're gonna lose a customer or what? And we discussed a few other scenarios. T said he didn't really know what it was about. So my point is, I think it's just a really human thing to feel this way, and brava to you for using this incident to get in touch with all these feelings and spelling (and spilling!) them out the way you did here. It's real stuff.

Saturday, D had the Wall Street Journal magazine with him, there is this blond model on the cover, all made up, all legs and feathers, and he shows it to me and says, "This is what I want." I'm thinking, and she'll get her REAL boyfriend to murder you for your money, you old man! But D's mother is a lot like my mother, so whatever he mumbles is applicable to my therapy.

But your T having her boyfriend call? She needs a service, IMO. Because all the aforementioned feelings got generated kind of out of control, off schedule maybe? Sometimes "life happens", so ya need backup.

I SO resonate....years ago my t's wife called me to let me know (my t who I have been in love with for years) would be late, but would be "back in the saddle again" on x day. TOO bizarre, and to top it off; I read her blog (she is a music director) and her facebook says: "married to my best friend....my t

Makes me nauseous and furious......because he has been leading me on for so long. ...being angry at her is non-productive and ridiculous.......it is HIM I need to be angry with...perhaps someday I will give him the "How could you" letter.

This makes me wonder how you spend your time in therapy, if you are not talking about this? Also, if you are studying to go into the field, how will you deal with your clients who have feelings towards you, or when you have feelings for your patients? I was SO GLAD my T admitted his jealousy this week. I was sensing he would "get his dander up", so to speak, maybe he is just reacting as any rooster would to another rooster approaching the henhouse! I know it is so hard to let go, but we must, or we will never have our own happiness.

I don't know if this applies to the conversation or not but....

I've been in love for my T for a long, long time. It was due to the support and encouragement of this site that I eventually got up enough nerve to tell her about a year ago. (it seems) I, too, have been jealous and possessive of her. I have spent many Saturday nites wondering what she was doing. Was she out with her "boyfriend / companion / mate / partner." (Choose one!!) When we first started seeing each other she did her therapy out of her home so I've seen how she lives. I know where she lives. More than once I've fought the urge to ride past her house to see if she was alone - or with "company." It IS so strange and confusing. On the one hand I WANT her to be with someone. Because she's an awesome lady and the thought of her living alone breaks my heart for her. We've actually talked about that. She says she doesn't need a relationship... etc. And one the other hand -- I'm a married man!! And I really do love my wife. But those thoughts on a Saturday nite still come up from time to time. My T and I regularly tell each other we love each other. I just saw her yesterday and as we hugged at the end of the session we said those words to each other. And I DO love her. And I believe her when she says she loves me.

But she has also said she doesn't allow herself to think of clients as anything other than clients. I actually asked her once if she ever wondered what it might have been like if we had met under different circumstances... That's when she hit me with the "I don't allow myself to think of clients as anything other than clients" stuff...

So I've accepted my love for this woman. Love for her for the life she's helped me to see I can have. The life I'm learning how to live. And I believe her when she tells me she loves me!! For the changes she sees happening for me. But that's as far as it can go. That's what I have to remind myself of when those saturday nite thoughts come. Bottom line : We weren't meant to be together. We'll NEVER be together. I'm damn lucky to have met her and have her in my life in the capacity I have her. But that's as far as it was ever meant to be. And my life is far better for it.

But having said that, I STILL believe that if we HAD met under different circumstances, we would have been GREAT together.

I have known jealousy, but I have never been consciously jealous about my T.

She thinks I didn't like sharing her in a group therapy context, but I never felt any resentment towards the other group members.

My complaint to T was always, "You don't love me enough." I never said, "You love other people better than me."

I've "bumped into" T's husband and one of her daughters, but I never gave it a second thought. They were just part of the scenery, like the bench in her garden.

What are planets compared to the sun?

My T counters this fantasy (of mine, not yours, Terry!) with one of his own - about a woman he saw one dark and stormy night, and if only he had spoken to her...! And i'm like, alright, shut up, I get it, dam you, i'm not the only heartbroken one here, not the only one with regrets, with fantasies. I think they want us to give up THIS particular rather schoolgirlish fantasy and see that the reality we DO have with them IS better. I hate to keep throwing T's admission of jealousy in his face, but today I did tell him that it was part of what helped keep alive my fantasy that someday we would be together. it definitely FED the fantasy for him to act jealous when I mentioned another man who wasn't interested in me...! And then when a perfectly acceptable working man makes a minor little pass at me, I run screaming for the river. Well, I do think I am getting closer to figuring my stuff out and perhaps becoming functional soon. if T admits any more failings, gee, I might even - who knows what?!

I look at it this way. I'm getting the emotional rollercoaster of a tumultuous affair WITHOUT cheating on my wife.

What could be better than that?!

Not me and my T! She is far too assertive. She would rule the roost.

A-HA! CAN'T explain or WON'T explain? More like, NEVER explain! I got your number! I also got a guy who listens to every word I say, hugs me, never criticizes me, and I never have to do his laundry. We're not as dumb as we look (as my dad used to say)!

There's nothing TO explain. Our relationship is purely professional. I must have lost my undies somewhere else.

So THAT'S why T doesn't doesn't wear undies. Again, I say, men! (with wonder and delight)

This really sounds a lot like how I feel. It is so painful and alienating, and kind of grosses me out to think about!

I guess I'm in the same boat as all of you...
(And, with that, hi to everyone )

Today my T mentioned that she and her partner are trying for a baby... It made me so depressed and mad! I wonder if she could tell how my behavior changed afterwards... and I wonder if she can tell how I feel about her... well, I certainly won't tell her

I'm glad this forum is helpful for you, pup.pt. It's been a big deal for me to know that I'm not some kind of freak weirdo for feeling the way I feel when I read what other people right.

As for my T's partner... I used to feel jealous, and sometimes I still kind of do -- just jealous of the woman that gets to wake up beside him every morning. But the thing is, I am happily married, I love my husband, and he's my best friend. And I kind of reconcile my jealousy the same way I reconcile my feelings for both men. The love is just different.

I love my T, but he's never seen me coughing like a lifelong smoker after not showering for 3 days with the flu. He's never dealt with my really flying into a rage, never rubbed my ankles at the end of a long day, never had to survive a transatlantic flight with me... you know. Gross, ugly, tedious marriage/best friend stuff. Or the sweeter, more intimate stuff. Or the many years of memories. In that way he has nothing on my husband. For the same reason, I'm ok with the fact that I have nothing on his wife. Apples and oranges.

I don't know if that helps or not, but it's where I come from in this whole thing.

Now if you want to compare apples to apples, talk about other physically attractive female patients in their 20's that I sometimes see in the waiting room, and THEN we can talk jealousy

I feel jealous to my ex-therapist's partner (I'm not even sure if she has one). I'm also very jealous of the clients that she sees now