Does your T flirt with you?

My T certainly teases me, we sometimes talk about sex, and on rare occasions she can be very playful.

If this happened outside a therapeutic relationship, I would take it as flirting, ie a game in which we express sexual interest in each other without making any definite offers.

I'm happily married and she's not my type, so for me it's a game and nothing more. (There is also quite a lot of flirting in group therapy.)

Is your T like that?

How is that for you?

For me - JUST for me - I sometimes think my T is "flirting" with me. I imagine these scenarios that she is as interested in me romantically as I am in her. I examin certain things she might say or do. Topics she might bring up to discuss. And reach the "conclusion" that she MUST have the same sort of interest in me as I would hope. But that's just "little boy fantasies" as we call them in session. Born in the little boy who craves - and when all else fails imagines - being wanted, coveted, desired, accepted. This isn't to say there aren't some less-than-professional T's out there. And perhaps flirting does go on... But - for ME and MY T - it's about a professional relationship. Anything else that comes to my mind is PURE FANTASY.

Good luck!!

I try to "use" everything in therapy, i.e., anything that happens in the room is not an accident, everything has "meaning". T has made remarks that, now that I have confronted him on his "jealousy", I feel I can put in better context. I said I wanted to ask him something, and he replied, ask him anything, he'll say yes this time, unlike last time. I was like, uh, WHAT? Do you realize how I am taking that?! He goes, oh, um, sorry, sometimes I can be flippant, I should probably watch that in here. I was like, oh darn! But I was glad I asked, because we got into a conversation about how my dad used to make flippant suggestive remarks to me, so we got pretty deep into what that meant, and what it meant for me now to be able to confront T about it. Oh! OMG! Because I have always used my weight to keep unwanted men away, only problem with that is, of course, i'm using an elephant gun to kill a fly, and destroying all flora & fauna in between... geez, maybe you "cantexplain", but you ask great questions!

I am such a flirt and a tease....so is my t

Sometimes i am so sarcastic and I think he loves it. I am a verry passionate, intense person and so is he....I like to say to him: SO, enough about ME what do YOU think about ME?!

No, my T and I do not have a flirtatious relationship. I think there's a clear line between romantic/sexual flirtation and the kind of silly, funnny banter one has with friends, co-workers, and (sometimes) professionals like a doctor, professor, or T. For instance, with my T, our banter can be playful and silly-- and we can talk about sex, dating, attraction and relationships (because those are areas of my RL I choose to discuss)-- but it has never become flirtatious. My relationship with T is strictly professional- and I wouldn't want it any other way. In addition, my T simply isn't my type and I am not hers. And it's precisely because that fact is clear to both of us (no possible confusion there), that I find it amusing to make little jokes like "how you can like X is beyond me" or "I don't understand how you don't appreciate X, but to each her own!" or "well, you clearly have terrible taste, but that's your perogative!" She'll laugh when I make silly jokes, and make appropriate jokes back to me. Because T and I are both sarcastic and we share a similar sense of humor, that kind of silly banter works for us. It makes me feel closer to my T, so I'm more comfortable sharing things with her that might otherwise feel too personal. Having that kind of "human" connection with my T helps me trust her.

However, I think a client who is experiencing romantic transference might be looking for signs that T feels the same way and therefore misinterpret a T's friendliness or sarcasm as a sign that T is "flirting" with them. So, assuming that most Ts are ethnical and professional, I would suggest clients try not to read too much into a T's playfulness or sense of humor-- the T is probably only trying to loosen the client up and make them feel comfortable. However, if a T does in fact say something explicitly romantic or sexual, then the client should be aware that is an ethics violation.

Very well said! That describes my relationship with my T perfectly. Problems ONLY arise when I am in that vulnerable place and mistake my T's "banter" as something more than it is. "Wishful thinking" doesn't really describe it, but it's as close as I can get. Thanks for your description!! Helps to put my experience into words.

Terry

You would be surprised as to how many t's are NOT ethical. I have a friend who fell in love with her t (and he, her) they are now together.

My t has said: "If I were not married I would probably go for it." We have reciprocal feelings, but have not acted on them. I have found a way to live with someone I love and not have him. I am also studying to be in the mental health field, so I understand the rules and regulations.

We are, in essence having a personal relationship....verboten, i realize. Sometimes it happens.

Then being professional, you and he should cease therapy and the relationship and find another provider.

Ever see the movie Ghost Busters?
Sigourny Weaver has has become demon possessed and is laying on a bed in a nighty, when Bill Murray portraying her crackpot psychoanalyst is looking at her and states, " Rule number one..... never get involved with a client. "
His next statement is classic, " Well it's not really an iron clad rule...... just a guideline maybe. "

How apropos.
Personally, I'm not at all surprised at unethical behaviors or practice in psychology and will always contend this industry desperately needs 3'rd party oversight.
Have you seen the Ca. Dept of Public Affairs publication on this topic yet?
Google: Professional Therapy Never Includes Sex to download your own pdf copy of it. It's quite informative for everyone involved with individual therapy and may save you a load of future pain and heartache, not to mention insurmountable treatment issues that can never be resolved through psychotherapy.
Tom S.

yes he used to while in therapy and I loved it....shoot me!

actually we haven't been in therapy for a yr but I still meet him for coffee on the very rare occasion and yes he is still flirting and yes, I still love it....shoot me again if you wish

I do flirt with him. He tell him I love him occassionally. He told me after I let the cat out of the bag, that he would just have to get used to it. I think he actually likes it although it must make him somewhat uncomfortable. Usually just smiles back, doesn't really engage when I do it. I asked him if he had many patients fall in love with him and he said not really. Once he said, "why would you want to be with a 62 year old, pot bellied old man?" He couldn't believe I would be interested, or he was trying to change my image of him. Didn't work.

1. Sounds like he has low self-esteem! He should see a T for that! My T is 66, and in the past few years lost his potbelly (40 lbs) and now looks AMAZING, although he was cute enough before. He was initially motivated for health reasons, now I think he's just enjoying his life so much more, playing sports and playing the field!

2. I think you're missing out on an important area of your therapy if he does not engage with you on this topic. But as long as you INDICATE to him that you see it as "real", that YOU have no other insight into what your feelings might "mean" - oh! look! he fooled me, too! The answer to Why would you want to be with a 62 yr old pot bellied old man is SO OBVIOUS! He's safe - he reminds you of your father. And what I told MY T - if you would just marry me, then everything would be alright. Are we surprised the hankster is a princess? I NEVER got into THOSE stories as a kid, believe me; I was hardly even a girl. Trying to get there now.

I went to my t (not for any psychological issues), but for a business dispute, so I don't need psychological asssistance.. If you can name it, I have researched it regarding ethics, etc.

So, obviously, I don't need another provider.

Rarely do people meet under ideal circumstances.

just wanted to clarify, my post above was addressed to masimo, not marie, and hopefully more about HOW T's talk to us? like when I told my T yesterday about my "theory" of why fooling around is forbidden because therapy is like a dream, he wanted to talk more about it, but I was not ready to hear what he was thinking. sheesh when will I learn to keep my stupid mouth shut?!

I wasn't aware of it at the time (or in denial), but my former T flirted with me from time to time. Since I myself had a crush on her, I never would've flattered myself to think she returned it. Or else I would've categorized it as "wishful thinking." In hindsight though, I definitely think she was flirting. And it wasn't the compliments about my physical appearance (e.g., that I look like Julia Roberts or that every head must go up when I enter a room) or the admission of a mutual admiration thing going on, but more the statements like, for example, suggesting that I would be good in bed with a woman (since I'm "so sexual") while sweetly twirling her hair.

Another example is when she said (and not totally out of context) that I would make a good stripper and should perhaps consider it to help pay for therapy (though I'm sure she was joking). Also, when I was discussing a sexual dream I had had about her the night before, she asked if I - in the dream - enjoyed going down on her. Of course, that could be a therapeutically relevant question, I don't know.

Mind you, I don't or wouldn't fault her for it at all for the flirting - I just didn't appreciate her unsolicited comment later on in therapy that she had not, in fact, reciprocated my attraction to her (when I had never even once suggested it). Every therapist/p-doc I've seen since totally disagrees, but regardless of what anyone says (me included), it's all mere speculation anyway.

Hmm - sounds like she was just tryin' to cover her butt - so to speak! (Sorry - could NOT resist! )

Hmmm. After very carfeul consideration, I realise that it is more than a game. The deep message behind any flirting is, "I think you are worth flirting with." And that is very flattering and validating.

Bingo.
Bango.

While I was seeing my ex t, yes there was a lot of flirting going on.....

[quote=hankster;2106457]1. Sounds like he has low self-esteem! He should see a T for that!

Nah... I think when he said "why would you want to be with a pot bellied blah blah" he was sort of trying to get her to realize that it was transference. Like "would you normally fall in love with a 66 year old pot bellied man?" You can't outright tell a patient they're transferring.

I think if my T ever flirted with me I would totally run the other way and never go back. I have felt like nothing more than a sexual object since I was a kid, so the LAST thing I would ever want is for my T to flirt.

There was a time (?) when Ts tried to keep all the theory to themselves. "It works better if the patient isn't aware of what's going on," they thought. But modern patients are pretty clued up, and anyway they can always do their own research the internet.

I told my T: "I don't really hate you. I hate my mother. I'm just sorry you had to be the one to suffer for it." I was aware of the transference and it would have been foolish for T to deny it.

I'm with Lostinthought my old T was attractive male. We joked about stuff, but if he flirted, i would said bye bye.

I agree with Lost in Thought and likewater. My T has never ever flirted with me; he is very professional. He is 71 years old, male, and I'm a woman of 29; he has mentioned that I am beautiful both inside and outside, but that's all. I would freak out if he flirted with me and lose my trust in our relationship.

My T doesn't flirt, although he jokes around with me to try and make me more comfortable. I would be very put off if he made comments about my appearance or something.

I really like it when he tells me about himself. I try to guess certain things about him, and it's like a game to try and find out if I'm right or not. I also have an idealized version of him, so it helps when I see him as human instead of my "knight in shining armor."