[Snuffleupagus]

So I just revealed my erotic transference to my therapist last week. It was crushingly hard. I've been seeing her about 6 months. I had switched from another therapist who I'd seen for 4 years that I also had romantic feelings for. That relationship ended horribly. She was almost completely unwilling to discuss our relationship at all, but I stuck it out because I was sure I could somehow get to the bottom of my problems with my relationships with women. I'm a lesbian, and I have an amazing relationship with my partner (15 years), but I can only seem to form close friendships with men (mostly gay men).

At a certain point, I realized I wasn't going to make any progress with her and switched therapists. My new therapist was so warm and kind and accepting and direct when I told her about my feeling that I was floored. She didn't seem afraid of my feelings at all. It was a profoundly different experience from what I had with my other therapist. I've got all the butterflies in the stomach from the transference, but it's coupled with this very genuine hope that some good will come out those feelings this time--that it won't just be the meaningless suffering that I went through with my other therapist. For the first time I had the experience that my therapist was there WITH me, not just coldly observing me. ****, I 'm so addled I wrote a poem about the experience of reading her my revelatory journal entry:

A voice resonates in my skull
Nasal and jagged.
Dwarfed by the pulse
Thudding at warp
In my ears.

Some literate part of my brain
Reads aloud my scribbled raw need.
My lust and loathing and longing
Potent enough now
To prevail upon my fear.

I find her eyes
Moist and glowing.
They receive me, and I allow it.
I am heard; I am known.
But, most remarkably,
We have met.

[CantExplain]

I'm pleased to hear you have foudn a T who meets your needs.

[dirtandearth]

That is wonderful. I am glad you have a therapist who can respond to you in this way, and be with you in this way.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

A voice resonates in my skull
Nasal and jagged.
Dwarfed by the pulse
Thudding at warp
In my ears.

Some literate part of my brain
Reads aloud my scribbled raw need.
My lust and loathing and longing
Potent enough now
To prevail upon my fear.

I find her eyes
Moist and glowing.
They receive me, and I allow it.
I am heard; I am known.
But, most remarkably,
We have met.

I'm so glad you have found a T that respects you and treats you so very well. Your poem is beautiful!! Do you write regularly?

[Snuffleupagus]

Thank you. I don't write very often--at least not as often as would be good for me. I tend to avoid it because I feel things I don't want to feel when I write. But sometimes I have an experience so powerful that I can't not write about it. This experience with my T was one of those times, and prose didn't feel like it served the purpose.

I'm super insecure about my writing ability. That was actually a bone of contention with my former T. She said she didn't believe I was insecure about it which I never got. Why would I invent that insecurity? Just another reason to be glad I switched therapists.

At any rate, I had another really good session today, & my T confirmed for me that the souring of my last therapeutic relationship was not my fault which I really needed to hear. I had so much guilt--blaming myself for confessing my transference and driving my former T away. I know I'm starting to heal.

Thanks for the support.

[Snuffleupagus]

I just wanted to let everyone here know how grateful I am for their honesty in this thread. I felt like a freak because of the intensity of my feelings, and the obsessiveness of my thoughts about my therapist. I feel like if I don't have some pressing present concern my thoughts automatically return to her--to some glance she gave me or some comment she made. My head feels even less my own than it usually does. Like I could do a PSA spot warning people about therapy scripted, "This is your depressed brain... This is your depressed brain on erotic transference."

It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this confusing experience.

'Like I could do a PSA spot warning people about therapy scripted, "This is your depressed brain... This is your depressed brain on erotic transference."'

This cracked me up! I have several times said that I wished someone had warned me about the hazard of falling totally in love with my therapist. I had even been through therapy once before and not had this issue, so I feel like even more of a crazy freak for this experience! So nice to know I'm not alone and to be able to laugh about it a little, thanks to you.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

'Like I could do a PSA spot warning people about therapy scripted, "This is your depressed brain... This is your depressed brain on erotic transference."'

This cracked me up! I have several times said that I wished someone had warned me about the hazard of falling totally in love with my therapist. I had even been through therapy once before and not had this issue, so I feel like even more of a crazy freak for this experience! So nice to know I'm not alone and to be able to laugh about it a little, thanks to you.

so...this made my day!!!!!!

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this confusing experience.

You definitely are NOT alone.