[rosie89]

I am in love with my therapist. And it really seems as though he is attracted to me as well. I began seeing him a year after I was assaulted and while I noticed that he was handsome, I was generally more concerned with surviving the aftermath of my rape for the first few months. We have always had fantastic rapport and are both sarcastic, easy going and almost too straight forward. Within a year, the attraction had begun mounting to the point that our sessions were so tense and sexually charged that I was sure something was about to happen romantically. It was excruciating and absolutely glorious.


After a month or three of intense, sweet agony, he pulled back and the flirting came to an abrupt stop. He reverted to clinical professionalism and we got down to psychological business. I have made incredible progress with his help, more than I have ever made with any other therapist, and for that I am grateful. Lately, however, in the past couple of months, the attraction has come into the forefront again. I have noticed him teasing me more, laughing at my lame jokes as though they were the funniest thing he’s ever heard, and commenting on our age difference frequently. Our sessions regularly devolve into Rosie and T time – an hour in which we talk about everyday things and laugh together. I love it. I crave the moments in which he allows himself to be distracted by a joke or a question and I get to talk to the person rather than the psychologist. I replay the conversations during the week between sessions and it is a great comfort to me.


The thing is,.. the real question is that I don’t know if this relationship can continue. I know that he will once again gain perspective and back off. I know that he is a good, ethical person and will put my well being first and will most likely return from Christmas break cold(er) and clinical again. And I don’t think I can bear it. I don’t think I can stand going back to the gritty trauma recovery when the moments in which we are simply people are sublime. It feels like a constant battle between T the person and T the T...which side he feels is of more use to me. The fact that he sees me pro bono also complicates the issue. I don’t pay for these sessions. And he never brings it up. I could walk away now, allow some paying client to fill my slot, and save myself the pain. But as soon as I really consider leaving, I am overwhelmed by the loss it would be on both a personal and psychological level. He has helped me so much. I have worked through a lot in the past year and a half and leaving would mean losing the best psychologist I have ever encountered. I am so torn and in so much pain. He’s married. He’s older. He’s my therapist on one hand and on the other he is a person that I wish I had met under different circumstances. I know that transference always feels like it could be something if it weren’t for those pesky ethics laws, but with him…every smile feels like an unspoken acknowledgement of love. I wish…I wish I knew what to do. Perhaps I need to be woken up? I could really, really use advice or input. Please. Should I leave? Or should I try to put the feelings away and hope it sticks this time?

rosie, I hope someone has some great advice for you, because I'm there with you in having feelings for my T - we have a great connection, I keep thinking that we would have been this attracted to each other no matter how we met, we have admitted that we "adore" each other)

I don't have any real advice, but perhaps a little perspective. Here's what I try to keep in mind when I find myself falling too much in love with my T: In my state, it would be a violation of the ethical rules for you two to have a relationship for two years after your therapeutic relationship ends. I know someone who married his therapist, but it absolutely trashed her (the therapist's) life. She lost her job, she lost her license, her family wouldn't speak to her, and everyone she knew talked such trash about her that the two of them ended up moving half the country away from where they lived before. If you really love this man, do you really want to trash his life that way? Anyway, that's how I keep my feelings in perspective and under control. I really do love my T and want him to happy.

[wintergirl]

Originally Posted by rosie89

I crave the moments in which he allows himself to be distracted by a joke or a question and I get to talk to the person rather than the psychologist. I replay the conversations during the week between sessions and it is a great comfort to me.

I can painfully relate to your situation, especially to what you posted above.

I'm not sure why he's seeing you pro bono? I can see why that would complicate things even more.

For me, I'm conflicted as to what to do. One one hand, most therapists are not going to work for me. I just have a lot of hang-ups and trust issues about most people.

My T is a great fit for me, and I've grown VERY attached to him. Because I deeply like him, respect him and enjoy his company, I think my therapy works better, and I'm improving. But an excruciating side effect is that I love him and want him to always be a fixture in my life.

[roads]

MKAC gives you a RL perspective of how this could play out for you. Is this how you envision your future? It doesn't look very rosie. And has your T, when he's being "just himself," mentioned leaving his wife?

It sounds as if the therapy you came to him for has pretty much wrapped up. I think you might consider graciously ending it by phoning and canceling your next session. This holiday break is an auspicious occasion.

In a week or so you can write him a semi-personal letter, thanking him for the pro-bono work & letting him know how much it has meant. Show him how strong you are because of him--that you can do what needs to be done.

I wish you the very best that your life can bring you in 2012.

[everburning]

I would love to offer you some kind, constructive criticism here, dear, but I'm afraid I am in the exact same boat.

I began seeing my therapist a little less than a year ago for EMDR therapy when I could no longer bear to withhold sex from my husband for weeks at a time (due to my past sexual abuse). I had been to about a dozen therapists and none had ever cracked me. I actually felt a connection with this guy and had some breakthrough with him. But after some time, I began having serious feelings about him. I kept telling him that I was developing feelings I had never experienced before about men, one more so than others. I didn't tell him until weeks later that it was HIM! He was quite surprised to find this out. I had a little green journal I had written all my secret feelings for him in. I shared them with him after I told him who my "secret crush" was. I later gave it to him to keep in my chart. He is so handsome and sweet. He acts like he has no idea how handsome he is which makes him all the more irresistible. At first, he seemed to almost play along with my crush on him, laughing and teasing me about it. I sometimes wondered if he was flirting back a little.

But as you said, one day it just STOPPED and he became very professional and collected again. I felt like I had ruined what we had as a provider/client relationship. At my appointment time, he would open the door for me w/o looking me in the eye or smiling as he used to as he took me to his office. This hurt. I later told him that it did as I wept in his office.

Since then, he'll ask me now and then, "How are you feeling these days about us?" Honestly, just hearing him refer to me and him as "us" makes me crazy! It goes in waves. When he gets all professional, I'll cool off and space my sessions further apart on purpose so as not to annoy him. But I am really feeling the heat again! Being away from him over this Christmas/New Years break (3 weeks), I am in need of another hit. I'm beginning to have those kinds of feelings again. I'm thinking about him 24/7, in everything I do.

Sorry to write so much. I feel your pain, Sweet Pea. I may not have any pearls of wisdom for you, but you can chat w/me anytime, k? All I can say is that I think that no matter what, you know what feels good, right? And if it feels more bad than good, you'll know when it's right to stop...Big hug

[Paraclete]

Hi Rosie

I don't often comment here any more, but I know exactly how it feels to be in your situation and want to say it's not uncommon. My therapist would also do exactly this. There were moments when the connection and tension were almost unbearable, and then ... suddenly he would pull away and become very clinical and emotionally distant. I understand how terribly painful it is to handle this.

However, with all due respect to Roadrunner, I would disagree with the advice to terminate with this therapist in the assumption that the work is fully done. This is because you say this therapist has helped you more than any other and you have been making progress. Now we do not know your history, but if you have seen 'other' therapists, then there are obviously issues that are necessitating therapy for you, and the fact that you are in the middle of such a strong transference in itself indicates that there is more work to be done here. If you trust this therapist - and it sounds as though he is monitoring his attachment to you well - then I would recommend you continue to work this through as the romantic feelings are in many cases, par for the course. Painful as they are.

I sought professional advice from other therapists on my own situation at the time, and their advice to me was to remain in the therapy, and work through the transference. Abandoning because it gets difficult - and it does - would not necessarily be to your benefit.

However, continue to monitor your boundaries with this therapist constantly (as he seems to be doing himself) because he is as human as you are afterall. Watch out for the indicators that could raise red flags; If he starts to tell you personal information about himself, his family/his life/etc, and if physical contact starts to become more regular and increases - then be concerned. This may evenfeel like something you want, and subconsciously (or not!) you may even try to push for this to happen. But unfortunately you have the experience of what a sexual predator feels like, and your gut will pick up anything that feels dangerous. Always listen to your gut, and you should be able to stay safe. Fortunately, most therapists are very professional and do not allow their feelings to endanger their clients. Yours sounds like he's keeping a good tight reign on his when he feels they could be threatening to slip out of his control.

Of course, this is only advice from the little you have said, and from the similarity I hear between our situations.

Others may have some very different advice, like roadrunners, and you are free to take whatever feels like it resonates best with you.
Feel free to ask questions, and take care!

[rosie89]

Originally Posted by wintergirl

I can painfully relate to your situation, especially to what you posted above.

I'm not sure why he's seeing you pro bono? I can see why that would complicate things even more.

For me, I'm conflicted as to what to do. One one hand, most therapists are not going to work for me. I just have a lot of hang-ups and trust issues about most people.

My T is a great fit for me, and I've grown VERY attached to him. Because I deeply like him, respect him and enjoy his company, I think my therapy works better, and I'm improving. But an excruciating side effect is that I love him and want him to always be a fixture in my life.

He is seeing me pro bono because I was referred to him by another therapist who was stunned by the brutality of the assault and felt he'd be the one to help. He generally charges more for a session than I make in a week and so he sees me for free. I usually pay whatever I can whenever I can, but he never brings it up and is sad/disappointed when I tell him that I've paid a measly $20.

I completely identify with the connection between liking your therapist as a person and making progress psychologically. It's what therapy is supposed to be like, right? We are supposed to feel connected and appreciated. But I suppose that the danger of establishing a deep and meaningful relationship with your therapist is that you run the risk of falling in love with them. Lines become so blurred and it becomes a balancing act between wanting the therapist and wanting the person. I feel intense pain when I consider leaving...just as much as when I acknowledge that there can never be anything between us romantically. It is indeed excruciating. I appreciate and identify with all that you've said. Thank you for your input! I hope we can both find a balance .

[MASIMO]

I'm in agony too. Bahumbug on holiday breaks. I sent him my love letter posted separately. No response. Then I sent him an email about
my difficulties with a PTSD attack and New years eve and asked to hear from him. He never called. He told me he had shut himself off from email during his vacation. He did call me once. But this wasn't enough for me.
I emailed him and accused him of pulling away from me and was he upset
because I kept contacting him. He called me. We talked and I ended up saying I felt hurt by his lack of contact. He said perhaps we should discuss if our relationship was healthy or not during our next session.
I said I didnt' want to talk about it. I sent him an email begging him not
to drop me, that I would be devasted. Then I asked him to repond to my email.....he has not responded!!!!! I'm feeling so afraid he is going to drop me.

[nicoleflynn]

No advice can really help you (and we all do what we want to in the end.). Been in love with my t for 7 years, and I call it...come here, go away.......I've kept a journal and could write a book on what has transpired between us...he considers me a colleague (in college for the mental health field). you cannot put "feelings away"----All you can do is talk to him about what is going on.

[openmind0722]

I am so sorry to hear about your rape - I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and it took 40 yrs to heal it as best I can and the damage it leaves is still very present in many things.

I can relate to all you wrote - I currently live and share a life with my ex T - you are welcome to PM me anytime for more details or questions you have. I just try to not post too much on the board so as to not upset anyone.

I believe to an extent patients must fall in love somewhat in therapy for the therapeutic process to work and heal - the problem is when the feelings become larger and more prevalent and if the T knows how to handle it or abandons them b/c it is too uncomfortable.

It's a true Catch 22 - and it is a fine line to walk to heal in your own therapy journey.

I wish you so much luck and am here thru PM if you'd like to talk further.

Originally Posted by rosie89

I am in love with my therapist. And it really seems as though he is attracted to me as well. I began seeing him a year after I was assaulted and while I noticed that he was handsome, I was generally more concerned with surviving the aftermath of my rape for the first few months. We have always had fantastic rapport and are both sarcastic, easy going and almost too straight forward. Within a year, the attraction had begun mounting to the point that our sessions were so tense and sexually charged that I was sure something was about to happen romantically. It was excruciating and absolutely glorious.


After a month or three of intense, sweet agony, he pulled back and the flirting came to an abrupt stop. He reverted to clinical professionalism and we got down to psychological business. I have made incredible progress with his help, more than I have ever made with any other therapist, and for that I am grateful. Lately, however, in the past couple of months, the attraction has come into the forefront again. I have noticed him teasing me more, laughing at my lame jokes as though they were the funniest thing he’s ever heard, and commenting on our age difference frequently. Our sessions regularly devolve into Rosie and T time – an hour in which we talk about everyday things and laugh together. I love it. I crave the moments in which he allows himself to be distracted by a joke or a question and I get to talk to the person rather than the psychologist. I replay the conversations during the week between sessions and it is a great comfort to me.


The thing is,.. the real question is that I don’t know if this relationship can continue. I know that he will once again gain perspective and back off. I know that he is a good, ethical person and will put my well being first and will most likely return from Christmas break cold(er) and clinical again. And I don’t think I can bear it. I don’t think I can stand going back to the gritty trauma recovery when the moments in which we are simply people are sublime. It feels like a constant battle between T the person and T the T...which side he feels is of more use to me. The fact that he sees me pro bono also complicates the issue. I don’t pay for these sessions. And he never brings it up. I could walk away now, allow some paying client to fill my slot, and save myself the pain. But as soon as I really consider leaving, I am overwhelmed by the loss it would be on both a personal and psychological level. He has helped me so much. I have worked through a lot in the past year and a half and leaving would mean losing the best psychologist I have ever encountered. I am so torn and in so much pain. He’s married. He’s older. He’s my therapist on one hand and on the other he is a person that I wish I had met under different circumstances. I know that transference always feels like it could be something if it weren’t for those pesky ethics laws, but with him…every smile feels like an unspoken acknowledgement of love. I wish…I wish I knew what to do. Perhaps I need to be woken up? I could really, really use advice or input. Please. Should I leave? Or should I try to put the feelings away and hope it sticks this time?