Attracted to same sex therapist

Okey so have you ever been attracted to a same sex therapist?

I could see why being attracted to the opposite sex could happen, but what happens when its a same sex erotic attraction? I am not gay still in the past have had erotic transference I think its call...towards I same sex therapist..

It's most likely because erotic transference isn't really about sexual attraction to the other person. It's more about other needs that go unfulfilled (for example, the need for someone to care for us, pay attention to us, really listen to us). Our brains translate that into sexual thoughts, because adult brains tend to express a lot of desires as sexual.

hmmm... I've heard this too. Interesting. I'm mostly straight and I've already had one sexual fantasy about my new T. who is a straight married woman. She's not my type at all though so yeah I kinda feel like maybe it has something more to do with authority figures leading to security for me (or wanting them to at least) I have a high need for security, I think.

My T is straight and a widow. But once when we were discussing my feelings for her, she told me she had feelings for a teacher once--a female, and that she understood. This drove me wild with desire for weeks, fueling my fantasies. But yeah, it doesn't really matter what gender for transference.

Very strong sexual feelings for my older female T. This is not someone I would have been attracted to in other circumstances, but I have wild fantasies about her. LOVE HER!!!

Happy I am not the only one:-) Serious attaction to an older female T going on here too.............I wonder what it means??

oh my god now I'm all freaked out! I had an email exchange with my new T last night, the straight married woman, and it was kind of intense and I think I dreamt about her all night and when I woke up this morning I was very turned on. I started thinking about nuzzling her breasts and cuddling her (I am straight!) and I started thinking of her like I think of my former T, the one who left me and it was very, very intense! I think that maybe this is normal for borderlines and so I think I could tell her about it and not freak her out because she's a DBT therapist and she works with BPD all the time. But still... it's new to me and it's freaking me out!

uh... not any more?

Is this a borderline thing.....if so why??

@hankster ROFL!

@lonelybychoice I don't know for sure yet. I'm very new to learning about this diagnosis but I *think* it's related to me forming very strong, intense attachments to people fairly quickly and I *think* that's a borderline thing, although it seems unfair. These are therapists, not random people. Therapists get really intimate really quickly. Of course I'm going to bond to them intensely whether they're male or female. I'm going through some really scary psychological stuff right now and I see them as the experts in the situation. The ones who can help me safely navigate through all this torment. They're like my life rafts. Of course I'm going to be attached borderline or no! sigh...

Yes, it is a borderline thing, and yes, borderline or not there are many reasons to be attracted to T. For they listen and respond. If we are funny they laugh. If we are sad they empathize. If we are doing a good thing, they praise us. That kind of responsiveness.....can you imagine that responsiveness in bed? Now just try to be NOT turned on by T. It is the most natural thing in the world. If I touched her like this....would she respond? Of course she would if the boundary were not there. Boundaries, then, are necessary because therapy is inherently intimate. With that much built-in intimacy, boundaries must exist. But only in reality.....

Yes, I've been attracted to my same sex Ts and I'm not gay. I also have BPD but I don't think that's necessarily why, though it would be interesting to conduct a survey and see whether more "borderlines" are attracted to their Ts than non borderlines. Transference happens to many, no matter what your diagnosis is.

I am not sure about it being to do with BPD as i dont have this and i absolutely love my t1, we had a disscussion about my email I sent declaring my love for her and she said its perfectly natural in the therapuetic relationship to have feelings for you therapist and in my case we came to the conclusion that she is everything I lok for in a partner but I can't have her

For some people, this does happen and can be part of the process. I am straight and at times have been attracted to my straight(20 yrs. older) T - I think it's really about the past and our unmet childhood needs. It bothered me at first but I talked to my T about it and felt much better. Also, because I am dealing with CSA issues, this was really one of the first times I allowed myself to feel sexually attracted to/fantasize about anyone - that was amazing and it taught me that underneath all of that fear/shame, I really did have a sexual self. I hope you don't worry too much about this because I don't think this has anything to do with "sex" or sexual identity. It would be great to talk to your T about this if you feel comfortable doing so. The other thing I realized for myself was this: Although I identify as "straight", I personally feel that there is a continuum for some people and that at times, I have been attracted to certain women. I don't think this applied to everyone but when I was finally able to make peace with it, I was able to let it go. This may not be the same for you at all and feeling attracted to your T can mean many different things. My guess is that this has to do with transference. Thanks for your post!

Butterflies: thank you for your input on this, I understand that completely!

So relieving to read this thread. My T is a woman, about 20 years older than me as well, and yet I am very attracted to her, even though I am a chick too.

Thanks for the posts

You are welcome! It felt like a huge relief for me when I could finally accept that I could be attracted to either men or women, although certainly not every man or woman. I think the reason my relationship with my T has been so powerful for me is because when I am in a session with her, I can really work on my issues and not have to take care of her. Although I know she is not perfect, I only see her in session, not in the "outside" world so I know that I don't always get the entire picture. Talking to her about my attraction to her was one of the best things I ever did because I did not have to hide or feel ashamed. Also, I knew it was safe to allow these feelings to surface because I knew I would never act on them and I trusted that she would not allow me to or to act on anything herself. I felt very safe talking about our therapeutic relationship and this was one of the first times I had been able to do this with another person. She did not judge me and she told me that what was happening was common - there was such freedom in that! The feelings still do surface from time to time but being able to be honest about it made our therapeutic relationship stronger. I know now that if I ever am in an intimate sexual relationship someday(I am still working on that one), I will have more confidence in my ability to discuss the relationship itself, including the sexual component. I really wish you the best of luck with all of this and hope you and your T can talk about all of this.

It's not always erotic transference if you find the therapist sexually attractive. If guess if someone's straight and it's same sex then it most likely is.

I am so relieved to read everyon'e comments. I have been struggling with this with my T for months. Sometimes the feelings are more intense than others.

My T is older than me and female. I have been attracted to females in the past, mainly articulate, intelligent - like my T - but never done anything about it. I'm not sure this is transference. I have extremely erotic fantasies about her which include masturbation. Last week she looked sooo good and was so attractive in what she was wearing it was extremely difficult not to look at her legs and imagine sexual stuff with her.

I can't imagine ever telling her about this! I know it interfers with the work we're doing a little bit, but no idea what to do about it

I almost was able to tell my T yesterday about how I feel. How I think she is articulate, strong, etc. I was having trouble telling her my thoughts about something unrelated or whatever, and she made a connection to the fact that I get really nervous around "higher ups" It went like this:

T: do you see me as an authority figure?

Me: Uh, no...I actually, well...I uh....It's kinda hard how i feel...uh, I think you're cool.

What the h%11 happened!?!? *sigh* had a chance and chickened out. LOL. I said "cool" like a little nerdy 9 year old too. (which is sometimes how I see myself anyway)

Oh well.

I can identify with how you talked to your T. Part of me feels like an 11 year old with a crush on my T! And she's almost 15 years YOUNGER than I am. Age doesn't matter. She KNOWS how I feel too because I told her how it hurts to see her smile at me. It hurts the 11 year old part of me.

It's not easy to tell your T about feelings for her. I never used to be able to do it. Since attachment is what I'm working on, I've had no choice but to be honest about my feelings so my T will know exactly what she is dealing with.

So, don't despair about not being able to tell her. When the time is right, you will.

I am totally clueless on this one. Everyone says ..."tell T how you are feeling"...but why?? I mean to talk about it in session to get some relieve or so that T can fit a treatment plan based on the transference? I have a hard time figuring out WHY it is so important? ( As I said clueless on this one) I sensed my old T could tell but we did not talk about it. Maybe because it would be ackward for me as she knew I am not gay but maybe there was some maternal erotic transference going on, wich she knew how to handle ..oh well did not talk much anyway in therapy

I'm trying to think of the answer to "why tell T"? about feelings for her.

Probably the most important reason is that most people who enter therapy realize that it's going to be about feelings. About thoughts and feelings but mostly feelings. Many people have trouble expressing their feelings to others. So, why should feelings about T be different from any other feelings? I knew that in order to be helped, I had to come out of my shell and discuss my feelings. ALL of them.

It's shameful for a lot of us to have feelings for our T. Shame isn't a good thing, and many of us have issues about it. So, discussing feelings for T can help work on the shame aspect of it when we realize T is not judging us but rather accepts our feelings, no matter what they are.

The feelings we have for our T are, at least many of them, transference. Yes, that word again. The way we feel for our T is the way we want to feel for someone else, or the way we did feel for someone else. They tell us what is important to us.

Not telling gets in the way of productivity in other areas. If we're sitting in a session fantasizing about our T, and worrying about doing that, it's not likely that much good work is going to be done. It's an issue just like anything else that comes up in therapy.

Well, these are the reasons I can think of. Maybe someone else can come up with others.

I've been attracted to same sex T's before and I'm not a homosexual. Also I have avoided T's of the opposite sex because I'm sure I would have a problem getting past an attraction in addition to being uncomfortable sharing difficult topics/memories.

Being attracted to a same sex T has at times been sexual attraction and most other times it's just me wanting to be loved by T like a mother would love a child.

Has your T given you any book titles on the topic? My T1 recommended a long time ago I go to a local T that specialized in sexual dysfunction (I'm a CSA survivor) but I won't go to a male T.

I'm married and sex is an issue for me. but I have no problems with the fantasy part (it's kind of complicated).

Hello again! I think my answer to "why tell her" would be that at least for me, therapy is about being as honest as I possibly can. If I can't be honest with my T, then I won't see as much growth in myself. I call it, "Putting everything on the table" and even drew an illustrated picture once to show that I was not going to "hide" anymore. Sharing with my T helped to lessen/take away my shame and helped to "normalize"(for lack of a better word) my feelings. I started out by saying, "I have something I would like to share with you but am feeling some shame/confusion around this topic." This alerted my T to the fact that I was feeling a bit vulnerable. It really is up to you as to whether you want to share but if you think it will continue to come up for you, it might be worth talking about.