Fell in love with therapist

I realize this might be transference, but that does not change the fact of how I feel about this women. I'm just so confused about how to process this all. My heart tells me to just keep emailing her, but my common sense just tells me to stop before I make a complete fool of myself. It is just driving me crazy over whether she actually cared about me, or if I was just lying to myself about her caring about me the whole time. At the end of journey she gave me a number to reach her at to update her on if I was going to stay at the school (part of campus health counselling) and she said that she didn't do that often. In her email after I told her how much I appreciated her, she told me she was sad when our sessions ended and that I will continue to be in her thoughts. I just hope she actually meant this. Maybe she knew I had a crush on her and was just trying to be nice? I don't know. All this speculation is driving me nuts and making me more depressed. It's hard because I want to forget about her, but at the same time if I try so hard to forget her, I will be forgetting all of the progress I made in therapy. I am just so confused and frustrated right now...

Transference is just a fancy word for feelings. Transference is present in all relationships, usually. Can you e-mail her and ask for a few more sessions, and explain what you are struggling with. I am sure she wouldn't want yo to be confused and frustrated.

There are powerful bonds between a client and t, because a lot of times that is the first person to really hear and validate us.

i think its just apart of their job to act so caring. i don't think she mixes business with pleasure eventhough sometimes it does feel like they are befriending us.

rolan, once, before my session was to begin, I caught T reapplying her lipstick. I obsessed for years--was she doing that for me? Does she like me? Does she like my crush? Did she want to make her lips look lovely for me? For me?

It IS hard.

I am not judging. I am genuinely curious, nicoleflynn. Why do you stick to the exact same phrasing of your points? What do you think is going on there? It sounds strangely robotic. I cannot count the number of times you have written, "Transference is just a fancy word for feelings." People try to engage this assertion of yours, and it seems your response is just repetition.

You also frequently repeat the very same quotes from your T, almost like you are clinging to them for dear life. Can you help me understand this behavior?

I'm really struggling here. My life is getting more and more stressful and depressing, and she is the only one I really want to turn to. I can't stop having sexual fantasies about her, and this might sound dumb, but I have fantasies about just talking with her. It's weird though, because during our actual sessions I was incredibly nervous. I always imagine being carefree and open, feeling comfortable around her, which I was to some degree, but I was still uncontrollably nervous. For this reason, I started to find our sessions rather uncomfortable and stressful, especially with my fear of not having something to say and running into an awkward silence. I wish I could have enjoyed my time with her more, but I just could not get over the nervousness though. My last moment with her was when she hugged me, after I asked if I could. This just sucks. I need her so much right now...

I am not as far along in the transference process as some of you are. I am fighting it. So far its not been all that difficult; going tomorrow for only 3rd session. But I already thought about this too!

First visit she had on dress slacks and a jacket. Second visit, she had on dress pants but with a frilly dress blouse thingy, no jacket. I cant call it "low cut" but it did extend down much further than say a regular tee shirt would. So of course I thought she did it for me - trying to look pretty for the gay girl. And she suceeded! I know if I let my guard down a hair I will be in transference land with her. I'm guessing it wont be long until my lonliness and boredom get the best of me and I will begin a rich fantasy life involving her.

SeaSalt, I feel I should tell you I felt just the way as you did. My first session I was just like, oh cool. she's kinda cute and really nice. Awesome. And I thought nothing of it. It took a while for me to fall deeply for her. But when I did... wow. I found myself trying to look my best on days we had therapy, and thinking of what to say to her and so on. Before long that "cute cool therapist of mine", became way more than that. I honestly wasn't expecting it. So all I can say is just prepare yourself and know what might lie ahead.

rolan, thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

I pretty much know whats in store for me. In some <weird> way I am looking forward to it. I know, I know. I am just so bored and lonely. But the practical side of me sees that no good could come of this for me. I dunno, maybe I shouldnt say that. But at this point, I just dont see it. I dont feel I have problems with affection, committment or love. I want those things and would welcome them in my life, as I have experienced them before. This whole "working thru transference" thing has me a bit perplexed. But as they say...we shall see.

I also know I cannot keep up this wall between us for very long. It may preclude me from learning some lessons I need to learn. Right now I feel like I am protecting myself. I begin to think about her but am able to change the subject. I feel like I am stuck. I dont want to get too close to her because I know I could attach in a BIG way. In a romantic-love way. Ugh, its all quite confusing.

It is so confusing and sometimes it really sucks, but through talking about it with my T, I really do feel like I'm evolving. He allowed the feelings to be there and helped me accept that I could have the feelings and didn't necessarily have to act upon them, as much as I wanted to. I still love him, but now it's more a love from deep respect and admiration, more of a transcendent love. He's helping me change my thinking, and that has been such a tremendous gift. Who wouldn't love such a person? I went to the bathroom after my session today and was walking back to leave and he was standing there, and previously that would have been the source of hours of fantasizing just being that physically close to him, but today, I could just say no big deal, he was there, he was cute but I didn't feel that longing and desperation. When I think of all the hours I've spent obsessing over him...jeez, I could have written a novel! But my point is, if you talk about it and see why the feelings and attachments are there, you can get through it. He is also an extremely gifted T, so I'm very fortunate. I mean really, how wonderful that we are able to have these intense feelings for someone!

Great post kirby, thanks so much. At this point I have no clue if my T would ignore or work thru these feelings. I did tell her that my first reaction to therapy would be I would end up hating my mother again. Second was getting too attached to her, third was becoming obsessed with her. So she knows I am aware of the various transferences.

I think my problem is, at this point, I understand and agree with what you're saying but I dont want to accept it. I want to experience these feelings. And if it cant be with the woman of my dreams, then it shall be with T. I think I dont want to accept that those T feelings could end. Nevermind something good will <hopefully> come out of it. Thanks again.

I can only agree that it is super important to talk to your T about it SeaSalt. It WILL affect what you get out of therapy if you keep it inside. With me, I started changing who I was for her, and basically tried to make myself appealing to HER. For instance, there were some pretty shallow things I feel that I would want to talk about, for instance, going to parties to try and get laid, getting drunk to try and have better luck talking to girls, not wanting to get involved with girls because I didn't find them attractive... etc. etc... I would want to talk about these things with a therapist because they bother me on the inside and make me question my own morality. But I just couldn't talk about this with my therapist, because I didn't want her to think poorly of me. I didn't want to taint that good image she might have of me. I basically wanted her to go home thinking of how cute and innocent I was and how sweet she thought I was etc. Because of this, I never got the chance to discuss some moral dilemmas and problems with desires/urges that I have. Point is, at some point you just gotta ask yourself what you are really trying to get out of this relationship.

Great post Rolan! I agree completely. I had to ask myself, am I looking to heal from all my pain and struggling in life, or do I want to distract myself from dealing with all of this by making therapy be all about how attractive my T is and how much I want him.

Making a complete fool of yourself in therapy is permitted, perhaps even encouraged.

You know, this is reminding me about the stages of grief and I seem to be going thru something similar with T.

Despite my posts about loving my T, right now nothing is further from the truth. Last session she seemed a bit cold to me and I think it was because she was put-out with the caller and took it out on me. Maybe I'm wrong. Its not like I'm super-sensitive or anything. *rolls eyes sarcastically* And, per my usual MO, I am thinking about running because we hit a speed bump. Right now, I feel incredibly vunerable and like an idiot now that T knows what I've told her. I'm embarrassed too.

I know SeaSalt....we can experience so many emotions and that vuleranability that accompanies them.....Because I have been with my t for so long; there really isn't anything I feel I cannot say and I would have told "her" that I sensed a change or a coldness......One of the "rules" in therapist land (LOL) is that they do NOT take calls while in session. In the past there were a few times I was so upset with him that I had to take a day or two off from work, but I always confronted him with how I felt, and we always "fixed" the rupture.....I would say to him: This is how I would have handled it; he was always cool with that and interested in what/how I would have resolved it.........There is an old saying...."when you are going thru hell, keep on going." In reference to your "speed bump." If we keep that stuff inside (not telling the t when we feel upset by what they have said or done, it festers and we become angry and resentful. It takes courage to do that, I know....fear of the unknown, rejection, but if they are ANY good at all, they will work with us and things will be better.....I guess I rambled here..Hugs to you!

This is one of my issues. I do this all the time. So I guess T and I dont know each other well enough yet. I want to talk to her about it but because I cant see her till early July (no email or anything), no telling what mood I will be in then. I'm guessing if she doesnt say anything, I wont.


Maybe I should start a new thread, but lemme ask you folks something else.

Do your Ts write down names of people you speak of in therapy? I was surprised when she asked me the first (and sometimes last) names of people I mentioned. These were people I had issues with in one form or another. After reading some of the insurance requirements, I also wondered just exactly what my insurance provider was going to know about all this. I had fallen in love with a straight girl at work and it tore my azz completely up. That was years ago and I'm over it but I think the woman saw another T who is in with my T. Wheeeee!

My prev t/pdoc did for a while, he said he was making org charts to keep track of my work issues. Then he later "confessed" he was really playing video poker! I am still totally in l0ve with him! What a goofball!

I 'confessed' to my first T about my love/feelings for her. She/we didn't spend a ton of time talking about transference and she didn't treat me any differently after I told her. She said I could say anything and things wouldn't change. And things didn't change except for my love for her because she accepted me.

Rolan, thank you for this post! I did the same with my ex T. I could not be myself with him. I had to be very careful during our sessions. I did not want to disspaoint him and that is why I was not getting much out of my therapy.

Please don't make the same mistake!