[WhiteClouds]

Hi PC Fam,
I saw my T last Friday. During our session I explained to him I had spent Thursday evening& early Friday in the hospital at the ER. I explained to him my prognosis, blah, blah, blah. Well, Monday I found myself back at the hospital. I called and left a message asking for my T to give me ac all back. I wanted him to call and explain why I was going to miss my appointment. I felt the details were too personal in nature to tell the receptionist. I went ahead and told her that I had a pre- op and will she have my T to call me at his earliest convenience. .
While at the Dr. I thought they were going to merely follow up. No, the appointment was a pre op appointment. They physician decided it would be best fro me to have surgery ASAP. During this time , no call from the T. Finally he called yesterday. He left the following message, " Megan (fake name) good afternoon it's X. I just wanted to follow up with you and make sure everything is going okay. I hope everything is okay with your pre op today. And take care I look forward to hearing from you bye now".
For some reason. I don't know. I wanted him to be more concerned. I realized I wanted him to care as a friend. I wanted him to be concerned. I was bummed when he wasn't, I was bummed for thinking of him as some close personal friend. I know, I know he is not my friend. I become frustrated that he didn't give 2 flips about my surgery, moreless the range of emotions I was feeling all at once. All of this is so overwhelming. I expected a checkup and some medicine. I had no idea I had been walking around sick for over a year and needed surgery. My physician is moving pretty fast. In a way that is a good thing. On the other hand it is bad that I really don't have time to process it.
My transference has merged it's ugly head in anther form. Now I want this man to be doting, caring, concerned and send me a get well card. Ridiculous, I know.. smh But that is how I felt. Wanted to share. I did call him back, the receptionist said he was on the other line. I left a message, he never called back. *sigh* trying to not be angry. Instead my feelings are hurt. Why, I don't know. Backlash of transference reality hurts sometimes.

[unaluna]

If you want to have that conversation with him, you have to initiate it. As far as he knows, you called to tell him you would be missing an appointment. You didn't tell him you were scared or upset. You could have told the receptionist you were having a medical emergency and wanted to talk to him about it. It's hard having to relay these messages thru a 3rd person so you have to be very clear about what you want. But it's also very hard to have such a personal conversation, to be so vulnerable. A card would be easy - it's still maintains a certain distance, you can hold on to a fantasy of what you would have said, what hd would havd said... but to talk to him ear to ear? It would be a great step forward in your therapy if you could let yourself feel that vulnerable. I did when I called my t from emergency 6 months ago. At first like you , just to say, I'm gonna miss my appointment, but then to talk about what is happening to me.it's scary.