When Should I Tell My Therapist?

So... I finally did it. I told her about everything. I couldn't do it in person, so I wrote her a note. I expected to give it to her at the end of the session and to have us talk about it next week, but I didn't really have anything to say yesterday, so I told her I was thinking about giving it to her to read at that moment. She asked why I was having a difficult time with it, and I told her that I was afraid that it would change our relationship and that it would scare her. She told me that she can't imagine that anything I said would change our relationship, and that whatever it was she thought that we could work through it. I felt that I could trust her, so I decided to give her the note.

It could not have gone much better! I didn't look at her the entire time, like usual, but she was very supportive of everything. She told me that there is something naturally parental in the therapy relationship, and that it's not surprising that I would have these intense feelings. She said that she actually thinks that I am doing what I need to do when I think about her, analyze the things she has said to me, and replay certain moments over and over. She said that this is kind of what therapy is all about- having those corrective experiences. I didn't tell her of any romantic feelings for her (and at this moment, I'm not sure if I ever will) because in my case I feel that these are secondary and mostly a result of wanting to bond with her on all levels. Anyway, she told me that she thought it was significant that I told her because she thinks we have been brought to a new level and that it shows that I have trust for her. She also said something about how she was "honored" that I would have those feelings for her. She assured me that she wasn’t freaked out, and that she thinks I need someone to idealize. Even though there are limits to the relationship, she said that she is a real person connecting with me on a real level. My favorite part was when she said that she cares about me, and not because she’s such a great person, but because I’m so great. Because she knows that I attribute superhuman-like qualities to her, she wanted me to know that she cares because of who I am, and not because she is a special person with the ability to care (if that makes any sense).

I barely said anything because I was kind of paralyzed after, but next time I think I will get even more detailed. I feel so relieved that she took it well, and I hope this will take down a wall and help me to be more honest with her in the future. Thanks for all of your encouragement, everyone!

Ooh, I could imagine that would definitely be awkward to talk about your feelings now. But usually when the person is in a profession such as this, they understand that these feelings can’t always be helped. I heard it said once that just about every human need a client may have shows up in the therapy relationship, whether that be the role of a parent, friend, or romantic interest. It is of course very hard not to blow it out of proportion though, like you said. I wish you luck though, and I hope that you can find the courage to bring it up with your pdoc!

Thanks again because you definitely helped convince me to tell my therapist, and I’m so glad I did.

This is so cathartic for me to read about everyone's highly emotional experiences loving their therapists. I find it both a relief ("this IS normal and OK to have this feeling and talk about it with my therapist). At the same time it makes me fear that perhaps several of my therapist's patients have similar feelings for her, and why would she choose me as post-therapy friend?

Jeff-I feel the same on all accounts! Seeing this forum has really helped me to normalize everything and to see just how many people are experiencing the same intense feelings. And I also get sad/jealous even thinking about other relationships my therapist has with patients. I like to think (childishly perhaps) that because my therapist knows of my transference, she will be flattered and I will be one of her favorites. But I'm sure she has had many others who have felt similarly.

I'm so glad it went so well!