[rainbow8]

I tried having nothing to do with T yesterday but it didn't work. She had to flash her smile on me. I'm in love with her smile! I tried to do the SE and visualize being safe in my Mom's womb like she asked me to do. I really tried. But what I remember most is her telling me that I can quit therapy when it's not helping me anymore. I told her that's not true, and how my written goal for this therapy was to be able to quit,but that I can't! I told her I saw my previous T for about 2 years after she wasn't helping me, and I didn't even like her so much.

She IS still helping me, but I feel powerless to think about quitting because I can't bear not seeing her. I may have to wind down next year for financial reasons, I'm not sure. The therapy and my T are rolled into one. I know the reality, but my heart still wants her. Maybe my H is right. He doesn't want anything to do with me because my Ts always come first! But seriously, I would go just to sit with her and see her smile. She has told me that it's just a part of me who feels like that. Well, it's a big part who has a HUGE crush on her, and I don't see it going away.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

...He doesn't want anything to do with me because my Ts always come first! But seriously, I would go just to sit with her and see her smile...

IDK what to say...
This is so sad.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by anilam

IDK what to say...
This is so sad.

I think it's sad that my H uses my therapy as an excuse not to work on our marriage. He's gone with to see my T a few times but it hasn't helped. We're supposed to do fun things together but we don't. I don't talk about my T all the time, and my former T told him that "she's in a different book from him", that is, I see a T more as a mother/friend, but not as a replacement for my H. I WANT my H to love me more, to want a physical relationship, but he doesn't make the effort. If I quit therapy, nothing would change. He has to change a little too. It's like we're both in a rut but he could just sleep through the rest of his life until he dies. He doesn't like doctors. I think he's depressed, but he intensely disliked the pdoc I saw. Etc.

It's sad that I like my T's smile more than my H's. I agree, but that's because she cares about me and the usual transference stuff, in addition to her having a really pretty smile.

I DO try to be nicer to my H but it seems to backfire.

Okay, TMI but I don't care anymore.

[anilam]

I meant the part that your Ts always comes first- just felt really sad for you.
Can't even imagine that my T would be the most important person in my life- I know he likes me (like all his patients) but it's not love, closeness, intimity, support (not reciprocal- which is really fullfilling)... it's not real, it's paid for and you get only what you can pay for and when others (clients, friends, family) don't need him more. My T probably knows me best but I have ppl I love and know they love me back.
That's why I feel so sad for you- everybody should have someone who loves them...

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by anilam

I meant the part that your Ts always comes first- just felt really sad for you.
Can't even imagine that my T would be the most important person in my life- I know he likes me (like all his patients) but it's not love, closeness, intimity, support (not reciprocal- which is really fullfilling)... it's not real, it's paid for and you get only what you can pay for and when others (clients, friends, family) don't need him more. My T probably knows me best but I have ppl I love and know they love me back.
That's why I feel so sad for you- everybody should have someone who loves them...

They don't REALLY come first, but in my mind they do. That's probably why therapy is so agonizing for me. I DO have people who love me. My H loves me; it's just hard for him to show it in ways I appreciate. I think I still love him, though sometimes I'm not sure. I love my kids and grandkids and they love me. I'm not without love. That's why it's so perplexing.

[~Christina]

I also think its sad that your husband feels he is second to your T

I'm sorry to even read something like this.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry this thread was hard for you to read, Christina. I asked to have it deleted but that didn't happen. I don't know why not.

I'm just being honest when I post. I'm working hard in therapy and trying to work on my marriage too. Your post made me feel bad but you were being honest too, so it's okay. I needed time away from this thread, which I had, and thought I'd answer now, since it's still here. Who are you supposed to ask to delete threads, anyway? I thought it was the mods on the therapy forum.

[Wren_]

Rain if you click report on the first post and ask it to be deleted someone should I think it's good you are talking about it though

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Rain if you click report on the first post and ask it to be deleted someone should I think it's good you are talking about it though

Thank you, tigergirl. I don't like to leave my threads hanging so I came back. I'm not sure whether people think I'm selfish regarding my H, or that it's sad that I have the problem I do with my Ts. Either way, it makes me feel crummy. But I AM working on it. I'm more aware of MY part in it, and determined to stop my pattern. It's so complicated, though. It's not easy.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you, tigergirl. I don't like to leave my threads hanging so I came back. I'm not sure whether people think I'm selfish regarding my H, or that it's sad that I have the problem I do with my Ts. Either way, it makes me feel crummy. But I AM working on it. I'm more aware of MY part in it, and determined to stop my pattern. It's so complicated, though. It's not easy.

Rainbow8, though I think it's sad regarding your feelings for your T and H, I completely relate and don't think it's something you should feel too badly about. If your H doesn't show love the way you need him to, then there will be a void. That in itself doesn't make you selfish. If you and your T have a mutual connection then they are bound to be an important part of your life. It is such a strange professional dynamic when you think about it, as their job is to provide a safe place, help you in building confidence, and in some ways accept yuo unconditionally. These are qualities that make people very attractive to others, and outside of therapy people we have these feelings for would be our closest friends/family, etc. I think therapy can be tricky since you need to be able to consciously be aware of this and keep these feelings in check. And I think many people could be easily consumed by the feelings brought on by T. I have avoided pdocs and T's in the past because of this, it is hard to not get attached. Only till recently because of marital problems did I get into seeing a pdoc and T again and I've experienced similar feelings as you. It's been 5 years and overall is very helpful but it is also very confusing and painful. And my husband was VERY resentful of the male pdoc. We met together once and my H said never again. That might not be unusual though. I think it needs to be changed only if your T is a substitution and not helping you pursue what you need outside of therapy. But if she inspires you to identify and pursue what you need in real life to make your (and your H's) life better, then hopefully it can be a positive thing...

[rainbow8]

Just one comment. My H has never expressed that he is unhappy. He doesn't even think in those terms. He's stoical about life. He's the ultimate of radical acceptance: it is what it is. He would say, "why do I have to be happy?" Maybe he hides it, but he's always been this way. As if happiness is irrelevant, but he's not UNhappy. I'm the one who is unhappy and wants more. He accepts whatever life gives him and doesn't understand my having all these needs. He apparently doesn't have needs, though I know that's not true.

[Lauliza]

I agree I'm sure he has needs but can't/won't/ is unable to articulate them. Either way your's aren't being met and it's ok to acknowledge and look to change that. I think that's why your T is so important to you, and so long as she is helping you, then that's ok. If she's aware you how important she is to you, then she'll see the depth of the emptiness you feel in your relationship with your H. When you are ready, you'll want to find ways to fill the void outside of therapy. At that point she will probably become a less prominent part of your life. She may always be important, but her role might change...

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Amee. It's hard to see anything changing because we've been married so many years!! I've come to realize how much I missed out on, and how I chose to compensate--by falling in love with people over and over, having fantasy love affairs with people who weren't available to me. It seems sad to me now. I don't know if I can ever have what I wanted, or maybe it was unrealistic in the first place. You know: romance, excitement, physical satisfaction. I had a good life in other ways, just not those components. Maybe it's not too late, or maybe my H was just not that kind of person. He gave me security and companionship, but the other needs weren't met. I'm thinking now that I just have to be grateful for what I had, and have now. But....that's why I look to my T to meet those needs, and why I can't quit. Yes, she's aware of my feelings about my marriage and about her.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks, Amee. It's hard to see anything changing because we've been married so many years!! I've come to realize how much I missed out on, and how I chose to compensate--by falling in love with people over and over, having fantasy love affairs with people who weren't available to me. It seems sad to me now. I don't know if I can ever have what I wanted, or maybe it was unrealistic in the first place. You know: romance, excitement, physical satisfaction. I had a good life in other ways, just not those components. Maybe it's not too late, or maybe my H was just not that kind of person. He gave me security and companionship, but the other needs weren't met. I'm thinking now that I just have to be grateful for what I had, and have now. But....that's why I look to my T to meet those needs, and why I can't quit. Yes, she's aware of my feelings about my marriage and about her.

Oh I can so relate, except my H and I separated and I had a taste of what the future could be. But with financial difficulties and a child with a disability, we decided it was best for the family to stay together. Some things, like for you are fulfilled and going well. But in the relationship part, it's all just frustration and longing. Ive hac the fantasy relationships and all like you have. When my H initially left me I was referred to my pdoc. After a couple of years he becsme my fantasy object. I've been pining for him even more the past year...he is my age and has similar life circumstances. And because of some personal info I found online (not searching it showed up on a site I was on) I know more personal info than I should. And now the longing for him has gotten so much more intense. He doesn't know about it and its probably not helping me in my relationship with my H. I don't mean to talk too much about myself, but I can relate so much to what your experiencing I had to share. I hope you are able to find a sense of happiness and fulfillment...I know for myself I worry about being consumed by sadness about the love I didn't have. But I also feel selfish since my H is trying in his own way to make things work with me, and I hope my infatuation isn't hindering our efforts.