My T and I have been over this several times but I still keep asking him to have sex. I feel kind of stupid because logically I know the reasons why but I still have to keep asking. Like a kid who keeps asking for ice cream.

[sweepy62]

Wow I'm caught up in a bit of transference now for a couple of months with my group t only admitted it to my individual t two weeks ago which then told him I had fatherly feelings for him but now I feel a bit flirtatious I wore shorts to group and play with mt hair and just stared at him omg I have this sexual session on we'd with both of them but I don't think I will disclose the romantic part. How do u deal with this

[Melody_Bells]

I understand. I do too, feel compelled to ask over and over even when I know why my T must say no. Will you talk about this with him?

[sweepy62]

How do u get the courage to even discuss this this I need help to do this

Sweepy It took me months and months and I simply had to as one day it all became too much.
Melody We keep talking about it but he won't explain anything just keeps re-stating the reasons.

[sweepy62]

Thank you I'm going to try that on we'd yikes

I just said I had this almost uncontrollable feeling like I want to rip his clothes off and have sex with him, which was honest.

[growlycat]

Wow that's brave to bring it up...I want to talk with the cbt guy about this, even though I don't really want to act on it (well part of me does)

But I could use his help in utilizing this in a healthy way, if there is one. I think I'd just embarrass us both.

Of course it wasn't as easy as just saying that, I had to put my brain in neutral then say it.

[growlycat]

Do you think he was at least a little flattered when you told him? or did he stay in therapist-y mode?

I really can't remember I was so consumed with guilt and anxiety and desire. I suspect he stayed in therapist mode. Also I think he had a pretty good idea what i was about to say.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Sweepy It took me months and months and I simply had to as one day it all became too much.
Melody We keep talking about it but he won't explain anything just keeps re-stating the reasons.

I told mine that whoever came up with the "reasons" excuse was an idiot and sounded like they were talking for the other side ie trying to encourage our feelings, not discourage us. I think you really just have to look at what it would mean to you personally. Expect it to be really really embarrassing though.

For a less embarrassing example: Like can you see the two of you getting chores and the shopping done on a Saturday afternoon? That was one of my kill-joys - I felt like an idiot - all I could imagine was t telling me to hop in the car along with his dogs! So we ended up talking about how my status in my family of origin was like a pet - get in the car, we're leaving. What? I had plans...! You didnt tell me! Anyway, I don't know why they're not better at figuring out how to work with these issues.

Originally Posted by hankster

I told mine that whoever came up with the "reasons" excuse was an idiot and sounded like they were talking for the other side ie trying to encourage our feelings, not discourage us. I think you really just have to look at what it would mean to you personally. Expect it to be really really embarrassing though.

For a less embarrassing example: Like can you see the two of you getting chores and the shopping done on a Saturday afternoon? That was one of my kill-joys - I felt like an idiot - all I could imagine was t telling me to hop in the car along with his dogs! So we ended up talking about how my status in my family of origin was like a pet - get in the car, we're leaving. What? I had plans...! You didnt tell me! Anyway, I don't know why they're not better at figuring out how to work with these issues.

I don't want to have a life with him I just want to have sex. Its that simple, or maybe it isn't but he won't discuss it and help me find where these feelings come from.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

I don't want to have a life with him I just want to have sex. Its that simple, or maybe it isn't but he won't discuss it and help me find where these feelings come from.

Do you let him know it's not about the sex? Have you asked him to help you find out where the feelings come from? I find that once people come to this forum, ie romantic feelings, it's more about the deed than talking about feelings. The discussion has to be about more than, why wont you sleep with me?

I've tried, or maybe I'm just not saying the right things, we seem to have a lot of communication failures over the past couple of months.

[sweepy62]

Wow that's deep maybe he doesn't want to discuss it because he is scared. Maybe he is having some feelings of his own I stare my group t down I joke around alot he gets giggly and blushes then gets back to al therapist like

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

My T and I have been over this several times but I still keep asking him to have sex. I feel kind of stupid because logically I know the reasons why but I still have to keep asking. Like a kid who keeps asking for ice cream.

What did your T say to you when you asked him to have sex! Was the expression on his face priceless?

[rainbow8]

I don't know what it is, but maybe there's something comforting? or maybe it's just OCD?, about asking T the same question over and over even when you know you're not going to get what you want. For example, I keep mentioning to T how I want to hold her hand again, and how unfair it was to take it away, and how it wasn't sexual (it wasn't!), but I know she's not going to let me.

I also used to keep bringing up a sexual reaction I had--to her, or to therapy, I don't know exactly, but I had to keep telling her with these initials I made up. It was really dumb, but I kept telling her until I saw that it didn't faze her and I got it out of my system, so it's not an issue anymore.

There must be a reason you keep bringing it up, I think. Maybe for reassurance that you're safe with your T, that he's not going to let you get out-of-control even if you keep telling him that you want to?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know what it is, but maybe there's something comforting? or maybe it's just OCD?, about asking T the same question over and over even when you know you're not going to get what you want. For example, I keep mentioning to T how I want to hold her hand again, and how unfair it was to take it away, and how it wasn't sexual (it wasn't!), but I know she's not going to let me.?

Aaah!! Me too!! I'm thinking it's partly because I KNOW I wasn't allowed to keep asking questions, like succeeding why, why, why's. I had to hear it a million times before I finally heard what I was saying. Heard my aunts saying it, heard my mother saying it, figured out what it meant and how it was holding me back.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

There must be a reason you keep bringing it up, I think. Maybe for reassurance that you're safe with your T, that he's not going to let you get out-of-control even if you keep telling him that you want to?

I think that maybe thats it. I don't feel particularly safe in the relationship, I feel he is punishing me or something there's something not quite "right" in the relationship, at the moment, that "closeness" has gone. I think I want that back.

[Syra]

After reading this, I've just added another question to my top questions to ask when interviewing for a new T

How would you react if I told you I loved your, or wanted sex with you.

This is a common occurrence, probably one of hte harder thigns for Ts to deal with - but that's what I'm paying for, in part, and I want someone skilled enough to handle even the really tough stuff on his part.

If they gave me a lecture on why it was inappropriate I'd probably move on.
If they didn't have any response, I wouldn't trust them to be able to handle it.
I want someone that such a thing wouldn't scare them, and I could trust that our space would remain safe.

[Syra]

After reading this, I've just added another question to my top questions to ask when interviewing for a new T

How would you react if I told you I loved your, or wanted sex with you.

This is a common occurrence, probably one of hte harder thigns for Ts to deal with - but that's what I'm paying for, in part, and I want someone skilled enough to handle even the really tough stuff on his part.

If they gave me a lecture on why it was inappropriate I'd probably move on.
If they didn't have any response, I wouldn't trust them to be able to handle it.
I want someone that such a thing wouldn't scare them, and I could trust that our space would remain safe.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Wow that's deep maybe he doesn't want to discuss it because he is scared. Maybe he is having some feelings of his own I stare my group t down I joke around alot he gets giggly and blushes then gets back to al therapist like

He said so far he has never been sexually attracted to a client. So I don't know why he won't discuss, maybe he hopes it will just fade if attention is not drawn to it.

[MASIMO]

My T took care of this issue one session by laying it on the line. I previously told him I loved him, never asked for anything from him but a few hugs.
He said he was flattered and he would have to get "used" to it. He didn't discourage my feelings. However, he never brings them up, even when I might sign an email with Love or refer to my feelings for him. He ignores it. I believe it's his way of allowing my love to exist as he knows I need to feel love for someone right now. But, what he said one time was that we have an intimate relationship, that neither of us are putting up any pretenses, that we cant have sex, it would be a bad idea, unethical and unsafe as I have a volatile gun-toting husband he is afraid of. An intimate relationship doesn't have to include sex. I felt the way he addressed this subject indicated to me he has feelings for me too, and they are OK to feel, but not act upon.

[JeffPowers]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Do you think he was at least a little flattered when you told him? or did he stay in therapist-y mode?

If the T has integrity he will not let you know if he was flattered or not. But he is human. Who wouldn't feel at least somewhat flattered by your statement?