[JustForNow!]

So, in reference to my previous thread about my jealousy of my T's boyfriend. I found out today, that they are getting married in July next year. I am just so depressed about this. I know it doesn't make sense to me either. But I have this huge jealous monster in me.

I spent most of today crying. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I feel so abandoned by her. It feels like I'm getting left behind, and I can't stop thinking about the hole left in my heart. I can't stop thinking about how much fun she is having and how little and insignificant I feel. Did I mention jealous? I'm am very sad about this.

Has anyone else experienced this? I'd like to leave this thread open, kinda like a journal, so I can keep track of how I'm doing because I want to get this monster off my back! He's heavy!!

[Aloneandafraid]

I understand and can feel your pain. I feel the same way about my T and her husband. I saw them together a few weeks ago, holding hands walking together. It really upset me. I wish I had that special relationship with her (which I completely understand logically I will never have) but it doesn't take away the longing and the needy feelings. This is really difficult. I also feel extremely envious of her children but realize these feelings are inappropriate and wrong. But I still have them. I think about her all the time and understand that I am just a client but she is so much more to me. I know she doesn't think about me once I have left her office and yet I think about her every day. I too feel insignificant and needy and wish I could get past this.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Keep journaling here. You are not alone.

[Petra5ed]

I can totally understand this. You've formed a deep and intimate bond with the therapist, which shows you what a great thing intimacy could possibly be. I really think you're jealous because you would like to have that kind of love in your life too. It's not jealousy of the therapist themselves, but jealousy and emotional pain over something lacking in your life, and the therapist getting married is triggering this for you. I'm sure this feeling is common and you're probably not her only client feeling this way, it definitely isn't something you should feel bad about. Keep writing about it, and it will take the edge off the pain.

When I love someone I cannot have in the way I want, I try to remind myself to be happy for the other persons happiness. Seems to be the only way to wrap my mind around it properly. The other thing I try to remember is the grass is always greener. I'm sure your T is not in a perfect relationship... no one is. And no intimacy can ever be as perfect feeling as that in therapy, where the therapist is paid to make you the sole focus of their attention! Hang in there.

[JustForNow!]

So, thanks guys for your responses. It is true, I also feel jealous of her children, her friends, and of course her boyfriend. I tell her all the time how luck these people are. How they probably don't even appreciate how they get to spend time with her in "normal" settings, not just in "the room". I tell her how beautiful she is and how loving and caring she is that no wonder everyone wants to spend time with her. But I also, feel that pit in my stomach, that desperate looonnnngggiiinnnggg (longing) that hangs on the very minute I leave her office.

I do tell her that I hope she doesn't forget about me and hopes that she thinks of me in between sessions - yuck....so needy.....urg. She says she keeps me in her prayers (spiritually, not religious) everyday. But it's like I want to be as important to her as she is to me, but like you said, I know she plays a bigger role in my life than I do in hers.

So I went to group therapy this week which she also happens to lead with another T and I wanted so much to bring this up to see if anyone else has these feelings about their T, but was too scared. It seems a little embarrassing to me to mention to others. There are only two women in the group out of 8 of us and I'm definitely uncomfortable mentioning this in front of men, especially because of my abusive background with my biological (because that's all he was to me - not a real dad) dad.

Do you think it would help? And like you said too, I think about her all day and wonder what she's doing. The Thanksgiving holiday coming up is especially hard, because she's around all the people who love her, except me. I want to be there too, helping her in the kitchen, laughing with her and her family. It's not that I don't appreciate my own family - husband, daughter and new son-in-law, and relatives coming in from New Zealand to visit, but I feel like I just want to be with her.

I so appreciate both of you telling me how similar your feelings are - it's soooo good to not be in this alone You guys are so great - thanks from the bottom of my heart - great, great forum!!

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by JustForNow!

So, thanks guys for your responses. It is true, I also feel jealous of her children, her friends, and of course her boyfriend. I tell her all the time how luck these people are. How they probably don't even appreciate how they get to spend time with her in "normal" settings, not just in "the room". I tell her how beautiful she is and how loving and caring she is that no wonder everyone wants to spend time with her. But I also, feel that pit in my stomach, that desperate looonnnngggiiinnnggg (longing) that hangs on the very minute I leave her office.

I do tell her that I hope she doesn't forget about me and hopes that she thinks of me in between sessions - yuck....so needy.....urg. She says she keeps me in her prayers (spiritually, not religious) everyday. But it's like I want to be as important to her as she is to me, but like you said, I know she plays a bigger role in my life than I do in hers.

So I went to group therapy this week which she also happens to lead with another T and I wanted so much to bring this up to see if anyone else has these feelings about their T, but was too scared. It seems a little embarrassing to me to mention to others. There are only two women in the group out of 8 of us and I'm definitely uncomfortable mentioning this in front of men, especially because of my abusive background with my biological (because that's all he was to me - not a real dad) dad.

Do you think it would help? And like you said too, I think about her all day and wonder what she's doing. The Thanksgiving holiday coming up is especially hard, because she's around all the people who love her, except me. I want to be there too, helping her in the kitchen, laughing with her and her family. It's not that I don't appreciate my own family - husband, daughter and new son-in-law, and relatives coming in from New Zealand to visit, but I feel like I just want to be with her.

I so appreciate both of you telling me how similar your feelings are - it's soooo good to not be in this alone You guys are so great - thanks from the bottom of my heart - great, great forum!!

Oh JustForNow I can relate to this so very well. I read your post again and I could have written this word for word. The only difference is that I haven't told my T I have these feelings for her! I was thinking of writing It down and maybe handing it to her next week. I know she won't do anything about these feelings but I think I would like her to know.

I am really struggling ATM and she is very supportive in session but no contact is encouraged between which really hurts and leaves me thinking about her all the time - like you said, I would love to be in her life out of 'the room' in her kitchen, etc. just doing normal things. But this is where I am using her as a maternal replacement. Oh it hurts so much.

I'm sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom except to say I know exactly what you are going through and it is so good in a way to know we are not going through this alone.

I really want to tell her how I feel now!

Keep strong.

[rainbow8]

JustForNow, I understand how you feel too. I could also have written your post. I also wish that I would be as important to my T as she is to me. I wish I could be with her as she goes about her day, out of the office. Those feelings ebb and flow, though. They are not always so strong, but when they are, it's hard to think about anything else. Knowing that a lot of the feelings have to do with the past, and not my T, helps a little, but in the end it's HER I see weekly, not my deceased mother.

I'm glad we have this subforum to write about these feelings.

[growlycat]

hugs!! I get this. Main t tells me he gets frustrated w/me because I ask about his life and if he discloses about wife and esp. kids I get horribly jealous and despondent. He says he wants to share, I just react so badly.

Hi, I have been in therapy a long time, and although I am not in love with my female therapist, I do have strong maternal feelings for her. For years I have struggled with the fact she has a fun life outside of therapy and I feel jealous and annoyed when she is away on holiday etc. After many years I have now come to the conclusion that in many ways, long term therapy is cruel. I truly do not believe that any human being is able to share their innermost dark secrets and feel attached and bonded to a person that you are only allowed to talk to once a week! She assures me that she holds me in mind outside of the session etc, but I think that is not quite true. Therapy is what it is, constantly playing with your feelings and only one person having the power....mmmmm, food for thought.

[RTerroni]

I know this can be very hard at least if I only see my Psychologist every few weeks (and not a Therapist at all) I know that she is already married so I don't have to worry about that at all.

[JustForNow!]

Okay, so I haven't logged on for a while. I guess I just needed some time away and the holidays were busy. But today has been very sad and I'm very depressed right now.

I had therapy today and asked my T why she didn't send me a quick text as she sometimes does (not very often) just once in a while to check in to see how I'm doing. I had guests for a week for the holiday and that's always pretty stressful for me. Going into therapy I didn't realize how much I kept bottled up, but burst out in tears when she answered my question. She said that those things need to happen naturally when she is thinking of it (to text me, that is) and she figured I'd contact her if I needed to. I just didn't want to accept this answer. I started with my whining and saying, "I knew I didn't matter to her that I was just a client". She tried to reassure me, but I was pretty upset and anything she said didn't work very well.

I'm thinking that I'm just another client and I am not as important to her as she is to me. Even though she says she thinks of me in between sessions. I just go to this bad place and think she is totally involved with her boyfriend and family over the holidays and I'm not that important.

Yuck, this is soooo hard to say and I feel totally like a jerk and a victim for being so needy. I'm feeling this pain is too much...so what do I do with this??? Like you said, Kindergirl, long term therapy is cruel...seeing just one person who knows absolutely everything....everything and the coming and going all the time, week in and week out. It is tiring and I'm trying my best, but I just seem to want so much from her. Of course, logically I know things will never be the way I wish. I KNOW that, I KNOW that, I KNOW that!!!!! I just hate this place, I hate it, and (crying) want to be better at this. I didn't ask for this relationship or these feelings. I didn't know this is what happens in therapy. I don't want it this way.

How do I do this thing? How do I not let it get to me this much? It is definitely not my intention to be like this. I want to be normal!!! I'm just so frustrated with myself. It is not logical, rational...

To try to get rid of this, I've tried the "emotional freedom technique" (tapping) hoping it get less, ignoring it, not talking about it to T, staying busy with work when I can. Just so tiring.

Jeez....thanks for listening. I know this is a very sad long note and I know I'm sounding like a victim. I just needed somewhere to go, because I'm having such a hard time, so hard. Thanks for listening.

[rainbow8]

I could have written your post. I know just how you feel. I have to quit therapy at the end of February. I just found out that it's a month earlier than I thought, and I can't sleep due to crying and feeling like how am I ever going to get over the feelings for my T? I won't. I know the feelings are mine, and they are okay, but it hurts. I know it's not rational or logical!! I wish I had an answer for you, and for the rest of us who struggle with our feelings for our Ts. Not everyone has this struggle, and they are lucky.

[JustForNow!]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I could have written your post. I know just how you feel. I have to quit therapy at the end of February. I just found out that it's a month earlier than I thought, and I can't sleep due to crying and feeling like how am I ever going to get over the feelings for my T? I won't. I know the feelings are mine, and they are okay, but it hurts. I know it's not rational or logical!! I wish I had an answer for you, and for the rest of us who struggle with our feelings for our Ts. Not everyone has this struggle, and they are lucky.

Just so you know, I have you in my heart. I don't know how it will be for you. I know if you post, I'll be there for you. Thanks for your reassuring words. This is hard for anyone to understand. But, I know you and others here know. Thanks.

Today, I stayed home from work. Didn't sleep last night and finally fell asleep at 5am. Slept till 11am. Just lazing 'round the couch and watching some old movies and Law & Order.

After my post here, I sent a pretty nasty text to T. Felt a little better, but then you know how that goes, I felt really bad. Wished I could have taken it back through the ether. T called today to see how I was doing. She said I may need to talk to pdoc about checking medication again. Maybe I do. I apologized all over the place and she said I didn't need to do that. And that it was all okay and she did not take it personally. She's so understanding.

So, trying to lick my wounds, get my act together, buck up and get better to start tomorrow all over again. Does anyone think I need to quit seeing my T? It's been 6 years and I've been through so much with her. She is so loving and helpful. Totally letting me be me. Do I need to quit or is there someone out there to tell me it gets more manageable? Truthfully, I don't know that it would even be possible to quit. So maybe a moot question.

Thanks for listening. The pain last night was almost unbearable. Thanks!

[JustForNow!]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Oh JustForNow I can relate to this so very well. I read your post again and I could have written this word for word. The only difference is that I haven't told my T I have these feelings for her! I was thinking of writing It down and maybe handing it to her next week. I know she won't do anything about these feelings but I think I would like her to know.

I am really struggling ATM and she is very supportive in session but no contact is encouraged between which really hurts and leaves me thinking about her all the time - like you said, I would love to be in her life out of 'the room' in her kitchen, etc. just doing normal things. But this is where I am using her as a maternal replacement. Oh it hurts so much.

I'm sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom except to say I know exactly what you are going through and it is so good in a way to know we are not going through this alone.

I really want to tell her how I feel now!

Keep strong.

Hi Aloneandafraid, I hope you are able to find a way to disclose your feelings to your T. It seems like everyone here has had mostly positive experiences when telling their T.

I remember how I approached the subject with my T. It was about three months into therapy and I said something to her like I was having some strange feelings. That I didn't quite know how to explain them (didn't know about this board then and didn't know about this phenomenon). I said I felt some feelings for her. I said it felt like I really liked her and thought about her in between sessions. She said that what I was feeling was completely normal and in some cases, to be expected.

Well, then I started to write her poetry. It was the kind of stuff that you'd write to a boyfriend/girlfriend to tell them in a round about way that you like them. S, I did that for a while....probably for up to a year or more. Then I finally started to say, I love you, to her. Again, she was accepting and normalized it for me. It just got easier and easier to talk about my feelings. She would ask me about my feelings for my mother or how I saw this relating to my childhood. Sometimes I would go there and sometimes I would just talk about my feelings for her.

Now, of course, I'm full in and find it great how easy it was for me to talk about, except now, the feelings are so strong that they get painful. It's a mixed blessing.

I just wanted to reach out to you to let you know that I was once in your place and I remember how it felt to start the discussion.

Thanks for sharing your situation. It's good to be in the thick of it together.

[JustForNow!]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

JustForNow, I understand how you feel too. I could also have written your post. I also wish that I would be as important to my T as she is to me. I wish I could be with her as she goes about her day, out of the office. Those feelings ebb and flow, though. They are not always so strong, but when they are, it's hard to think about anything else. Knowing that a lot of the feelings have to do with the past, and not my T, helps a little, but in the end it's HER I see weekly, not my deceased mother.

I'm glad we have this subforum to write about these feelings.

Hi rainbow8 I wonder why this is so strong for us? Why do we just want to do the little, everyday things with our T? I know it's probably related to the maternal thing. I never had much of a mom. There physically, not emotionally for me or brother. Denied the fact that my dad raped me everyday for 5 years. So, I was just wondering, is it just the maternal thing or other stuff?

Why does this happen to some people and not others? Why is it so strong for you, me, and Aloneandafraid?

[Aloneandafraid]

It is so reassuring to know these feelings are experienced by others. Thank you so much for sharing. I relate so much to your posts. It's strange isn't it how we long to be with them doing everyday/normal things. I would just love to see inside her home. It all feels so wrong! I am so anxious about telling her how I really feel but I think I need to. I feel so desperately lonely with this. Keep strong all and thank you.