[Petra5ed]

To make a long story short I looked for a therapist after being diagnosed with MD and anxiety after a particularly rough patch. I have some history of childhood abuse, and have always figured therapy might be a good option. Since I was so depressed, it surely seemed the right time. I'd seen therapists before but never for long enough to really build a relationship or impression of them. The thought that I could have feelings, even erotic ones, for a therapist never crossed my mind.
We are working on I suppose you'd say a regression style therapy and I struggle to emote or take it to the topic of my childhood. I am very much fighting the regression and the strong feelings i'm developing for this T. When I first met this T I was excited because I immediately liked him and thought he might be able to understand and help me. It never occurred to me that transference etc like I'm experiencing was possible, although now looking back over my life, I feel like I've done this with many past "authority" figures as well.
My T is much older, and not someone that I would be drawn to physically, and yet I am. For a while I've tried to deny it to myself, but two sessions ago when the topic turned to an aspect of sexuality in my life, I was literally sexually aroused while looking at him which caused me to shut down emotionally. Unless he's really dense, I have to imagine he can suspect what I'm feeling based on some awkward interactions and conversations. He also seems to be encouraging me to view him as a friend, he compliments me and is just generally nice. I am such a sucker for nice.
What's more, I think he is attracted to me. Sometimes I get the feeling I'm making him nervous or uncomfortable when my sex life comes up. At the risk of sounding narcissistic, I am basically peaking on my attractiveness right now and feel like most all straight men would find me f-able, this coming from a person with life long self esteem issues. It seems like I should say something to him about this, but it's going to be difficult.
Can someone whose been through this before tell me how the conversation went down for them? How explicit were you when telling them your fantasies? It just feels awkward for a young woman like myself to tell a man that's old enough to be my father that I have erotic feelings for him. I'm afraid it might make things worse for our therapeutic relationship in the future, perhaps he will stop complimenting me, perhaps he will fire me. The other awkward thing is, I met him originally from couples counseling years ago, so he also knows my boyfriend and it is possible my boyfriend could see him again for therapy as well.
I will never sleep with the T, and realize it's a fantasy and some psychological thing I've got going on. I also realize this may be me attempting to continue to avoid my childhood at all costs. Sadly, I remember only bits and pieces of my childhood, so there's not a lot to discuss I feel like sometimes. I cant "get in touch" with those old emotions. Any suggestion on how to do this would also be much appreciated!

My experience was that it was overall helpful to discuss my feelings for him. I was not particularly explicit in my discussion with him. However, he did stop complimenting me, and is careful to never do anything that I might interpret as him 'leading me on.'

[Nerak67]

I hesitate to even give my experience because it sounds like exploring their transference has been very therapeutic for a lot of people here. For me it was a disaster. Mine was a maternal thing. My therapist just ended up resenting me for my neediness. It just reinforced the rejection and abandonment of my childhood. Unfortunately you have no way of knowing if you have a therapist who will handle it well.

Nerak, it has appeared to me that it was your actions and attitude that resulted from the transference feelings that caused the problem, right? So discussing your transference was not the problem, was it? I certainly mean no offense, but it just seemed to me that the issue with your T would have arisen whether or not you had discussed the transference issue.

I really didn't say that you created the issue, only that the actual problem did not appear to the discussion of the fact you were experiencing transference, and therefore the OP would likely not have the same issue just from discussing the transference. That's all. I didn't mean any offense.

[Nerak67]

Thanks. I guess I feel like if I had never acknowledged the transference with her I wouldn't have let myself be so needy and all would have been well.

[SallyBrown]

Oh man. I have to run off now, but I wanted to let you know I read this, and as I'm sure you've realized by now, it's normal -- which, of course, doesn't make it easy.

I did want to respond right away to tell you that I've been in your shoes (have an attachment to "authority" figures thing as well), right down to suspecting my T is attracted to me to... and it's been over 5 years since I told him about it, and it was truly an integral part of my therapy. It has really helped a great deal to talk about, although it has been very very challenging at times. I initially told him about it verbally, but did end up giving him pieces of writing (I enjoy writing) to help me get across what I was thinking and feeling.

[SallyBrown]

So, I dunno if you're still around, but a lot of people ask this question, so I figured I'd try to let you know what my experience was like.

When I started therapy with my current T in 2007, it was very analytically-oriented. That is, T didn't say very much to me, and I was expected to fill the silence. But he was supportive and kind to me, and while during the first year I was making quite a mess of my life and my relationship with my now-husband, in the second, as I started to pull things back together, I realized I was developing what I guess you could call a crush on my T.

He listened to me and understood me in a way that most other people didn't, he was kind and supportive, and every so often would say something that resonated very deeply within me. And like you, men in positions of authority over me are a weak point. That's a whole different can of worms.

I did not want to tell him. At the time, I thought that the obvious next move was to find a new therapist, because obviously it wasn't going to work. So I did what any good Generation Y member does: I Googled it.

I learned the word "transference". I found out other people had been through the same thing. I was annoyed because most websites seemed geared toward ensuring that therapist-client sex wasn't going to happen, and that wasn't really what I was worried about. No intention to have sex with T, not then and not now. But perhaps most annoying? Almost universally, the advice was to tell T, and work through it. Not what 2008 Sally wanted to hear.

I forget exactly how I told him. I think I might have started out saying that I had something to tell him, and it was going to be very hard. I believe I then proceeded to take an entire session hemming and hawing and beating around the bush until I finally admitted I felt I was attracted to him, and I think those may have been my exact words.

Because he's an analytical type, he didn't really press me too much to talk about it. And for a few weeks I was nervous and terrified that I had done something wrong. In retrospect, he was probably just tense and unsure of how to get to me to talk about it without directing me (things are very different between us now). But, one day, I said something that made him smile really broadly and I thought "OK, I can do this," and every so often I was able to bring up a little bit more. But to be honest, I told him very little at first. Just scratching the surface. I was really terrified and just telling him about the feelings of attraction made me feel like vomiting.

About a year later, I wasn't getting anywhere trying to talk about it, and told him I was thinking of quitting. We talked for a bit and he asked if there was anything at all that would help me to talk. I said that this would all be really easy for me to write, but I just couldn't get it out of my mouth. I had assumed writing was off the table since he was so old-school about everything. But, he felt it was important enough that I should write it if I thought that would help things move forward. So I wrote him a 3 page letter explaining as best I could how I was feeling.

And over the years, writing has been a good way for me to initiate discussions that I can't seem to move forward verbally. At first it didn't work out that well, because I think T assumed I was writing in order to get around talking, when in fact it was the opposite. Sometimes it was the only way I could tell him. That's kind of a thing with me, in general.

Another thing that sort of helped was that for a time, I was lying down on the couch facing away from him. It was extraordinarily difficult for me to disclose fantasies talking face-to-face, but I was able to get started doing that while on the couch. Very slowly. Starting with the tamest things.

I'm no longer on the couch -- we're face-to-face again -- and a lot has happened to evolve the way we interact to be more, well, interactive. He still discloses only a limited amount of stuff about himself, but he's no longer the blank slate he was to start with. At this point, that is much more helpful to me. It is still embarrassing and uncomfortable to disclose fantasies, and I don't tell him absolutely everything. But at times it has been helpful and enlightening. It certainly says something about the way I am thinking about him, which in turn says a lot of about my overall state of mind. And he is open to my writing it out, because every so often there is something I just can't say out loud.

So, it gets easier. I still blush and stutter but it's easier. The trust comes over time. Every time you do it and the world doesn't end, it helps. And it has made our bond a lot stronger, and has helped me understand myself and the way I think about things much more clearly. Truly, it has been overall beneficial. And as someone who had very messed-up relationships with older "authority" men in the past (although T is not actually that much older than me -- I'm 30, he's 42), it has been really healing, I think, to be able to have these feelings for him and to be completely safe.

Here are the warnings I would give you, in the spirit of total honesty:

1. Sometimes, T will get it wrong. Even when he's really trying to help. He will misunderstand. He will give a dumb response. He will fail to grasp how important something is. As with any extremely vulnerable disclosure, this can be devastating. But, as I said, it's always going to be that way when you say something sensitive. It is worth it to keep trying to get to a level of understanding, but it can be tough.

2. There are T's out there who *should* be equipped to deal with this, but are *not*. If you are told not to talk about it, or it is brushed off as inconsequential, or T becomes angry, or it is swept under the rug in any way, it is not your fault, you are not a bad patient, you did nothing wrong by disclosing your feelings. This is on T.

3. There are also T's out there who would try to take advantage of this situation. This is so hard and it is so devastating to the patient in the end. There are T's and patients who jump through the necessary hoops to be together, but that does not sound like what you are after, and I'd say the majority of the time it's probably not going to work out. But no T should ever talk you into engaging in any kind of sexual relationship (even if there's no touching, it can be a sexual relationship) while a patient. If they do, it is not your fault, you are not a bad patient, you did nothing wrong by disclosing your feelings. Get out of that situation as soon as possible.

Do your best to just blurt it out. And if you really think you can't, think about what might help. What if T turned away from you, or you from him? What if you wrote it out to start? Or wrote it down and read it out loud? Stuff like that.

You will survive. I promise!

[Hopelesspoppy]

[QUOTE=SallyBrown;3319220]So, I dunno if you're still around, but a lot of people ask this question, so I figured I'd try to let you know what my experience was like.

When I started therapy with my current T in 2007, it was very analytically-oriented. That is, T didn't say very much to me, and I was expected to fill the silence. But he was supportive and kind to me, and while during the first year I was making quite a mess of my life and my relationship with my now-husband, in the second, as I started to pull things back together, I realized I was developing what I guess you could call a crush on my T.

He listened to me and understood me in a way that most other people didn't, he was kind and supportive, and every so often would say something that resonated very deeply within me. And like you, men in positions of authority over me are a weak point. That's a whole different can of worms.

I did not want to tell him. At the time, I thought that the obvious next move was to find a new therapist, because obviously it wasn't going to work. So I did what any good Generation Y member does: I Googled it.

I learned the word "transference". I found out other people had been through the same thing. I was annoyed because most websites seemed geared toward ensuring that therapist-client sex wasn't going to happen, and that wasn't really what I was worried about. No intention to have sex with T, not then and not now. But perhaps most annoying? Almost universally, the advice was to tell T, and work through it. Not what 2008 Sally wanted to hear.

I forget exactly how I told him. I think I might have started out saying that I had something to tell him, and it was going to be very hard. I believe I then proceeded to take an entire session hemming and hawing and beating around the bush until I finally admitted I felt I was attracted to him, and I think those may have been my exact words.

Because he's an analytical type, he didn't really press me too much to talk about it. And for a few weeks I was nervous and terrified that I had done something wrong. In retrospect, he was probably just tense and unsure of how to get to me to talk about it without directing me (things are very different between us now). But, one day, I said something that made him smile really broadly and I thought "OK, I can do this," and every so often I was able to bring up a little bit more. But to be honest, I told him very little at first. Just scratching the surface. I was really terrified and just telling him about the feelings of attraction made me feel like vomiting.

About a year later, I wasn't getting anywhere trying to talk about it, and told him I was thinking of quitting. We talked for a bit and he asked if there was anything at all that would help me to talk. I said that this would all be really easy for me to write, but I just couldn't get it out of my mouth. I had assumed writing was off the table since he was so old-school about everything. But, he felt it was important enough that I should write it if I thought that would help things move forward. So I wrote him a 3 page letter explaining as best I could how I was feeling.

And over the years, writing has been a good way for me to initiate discussions that I can't seem to move forward verbally. At first it didn't work out that well, because I think T assumed I was writing in order to get around talking, when in fact it was the opposite. Sometimes it was the only way I could tell him. That's kind of a thing with me, in general.

Another thing that sort of helped was that for a time, I was lying down on the couch facing away from him. It was extraordinarily difficult for me to disclose fantasies talking face-to-face, but I was able to get started doing that while on the couch. Very slowly. Starting with the tamest things.

I'm no longer on the couch -- we're face-to-face again -- and a lot has happened to evolve the way we interact to be more, well, interactive. He still discloses only a limited amount of stuff about himself, but he's no longer the blank slate he was to start with. At this point, that is much more helpful to me. It is still embarrassing and uncomfortable to disclose fantasies, and I don't tell him absolutely everything. But at times it has been helpful and enlightening. It certainly says something about the way I am thinking about him, which in turn says a lot of about my overall state of mind. And he is open to my writing it out, because every so often there is something I just can't say out loud.

So, it gets easier. I still blush and stutter but it's easier. The trust comes over time. Every time you do it and the world doesn't end, it helps. And it has made our bond a lot stronger, and has helped me understand myself and the way I think about things much more clearly. Truly, it has been overall beneficial. And as someone who had very messed-up relationships with older "authority" men in the past (although T is not actually that much older than me -- I'm 30, he's 42), it has been really healing, I think, to be able to have these feelings for him and to be completely safe.

Here are the warnings I would give you, in the spirit of total honesty:

1. Sometimes, T will get it wrong. Even when he's really trying to help. He will misunderstand. He will give a dumb response. He will fail to grasp how important something is. As with any extremely vulnerable disclosure, this can be devastating. But, as I said, it's always going to be that way when you say something sensitive. It is worth it to keep trying to get to a level of understanding, but it can be tough.

2. There are T's out there who *should* be equipped to deal with this, but are *not*. If you are told not to talk about it, or it is brushed off as inconsequential, or T becomes angry, or it is swept under the rug in any way, it is not your fault, you are not a bad patient, you did nothing wrong by disclosing your feelings. This is on T.

3. There are also T's out there who would try to take advantage of this situation. This is so hard and it is so devastating to the patient in the end. There are T's and patients who jump through the necessary hoops to be together, but that does not sound like what you are after, and I'd say the majority of the time it's probably not going to work out. But no T should ever talk you into engaging in any kind of sexual relationship (even if there's no touching, it can be a sexual relationship) while a patient. If they do, it is not your fault, you are not a bad patient, you did nothing wrong by disclosing your feelings. Get out of that situation as soon as possible.

Do your best to just blurt it out. And if you really think you can't, think about what might help. What if T turned away from you, or you from him? What if you wrote it out to start? Or wrote it down and read it out loud? Stuff like that.

You will survive. I promise! [/QUOTE

Sally,
What a great success story, compliments to you both! My story is similar, except his counter-transference began before my transference and created a very charged, and ultimately devastating, intense relationship. I hesitated to respond to th OPs original request, because I realize that I have a hard time being objective-everything is a red flag to me now.
But you experienced it with a productive and satisfying result, and I'm glad you let her know.

[Melody_Bells]

Sally Brown you're the best! Thank you for sharing your story!!!!! I am so glad things are better for you!

[Petra5ed]

Thanks everyone. I'm still around. I still haven't done anything about it , but I wrote a letter. Either this week or next week I'm talking about it. I really appreciate the replies.

[Daeva]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Thanks everyone. I'm still around. I still haven't done anything about it , but I wrote a letter. Either this week or next week I'm talking about it. I really appreciate the replies.

You can do it, once it's out it's so much better! I hope it all goes well!

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

I hesitate to even give my experience because it sounds like exploring their transference has been very therapeutic for a lot of people here. For me it was a disaster. Mine was a maternal thing. My therapist just ended up resenting me for my neediness. It just reinforced the rejection and abandonment of my childhood. Unfortunately you have no way of knowing if you have a therapist who will handle it well.

I totally get this.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

My experience was that it was overall helpful to discuss my feelings for him. I was not particularly explicit in my discussion with him. However, he did stop complimenting me, and is careful to never do anything that I might interpret as him 'leading me on.'

I'm worried about telling my therapist how I feel because I don't want him to stop complementing me. He's the only person in my life at the moment that makes me feel good. To lose that would be heartbreaking. Maybe I shouldn't tell him.