[WhiteClouds]

*sigh* I'm pissed. I feel like smacking my T in the face! I have surgery on Wednesday of this week. Since Thursday I've had nightmares about dying during the procedure, being shown all the instruments they will use, loss of appetite, queasy stomach, shaking, not able to focus, extremely anxious. I'm trying to put on a brave face for my family. However, I am not in a good place at all.
I called T Thursday to leave a message on his confidential voicemail. (the mailbox was full) smh, not good. I left message with receptionist Thursday to please have him to call me, since it was hours since I had called the confidential voice mail. No call, no nothing. (By then I am bothered and becoming more anxious etc.)
Today I broke down and text him on the confidential voicemail number. A cell phone. No answer. No response. Now I feel like some stupid school girl in trouble needing help. And the person who I pay to help my navigate this crazy, madness I feel. And He is ignoring me! Like I am some nagging, worthless, nothing. I'm pissed. I literally feel like he gives a rats patooty what is going on.
Ugh, why did I even start counseling in the first place. Now I am all exposed, vulnerable, terrified,an emotional wreck. And guess what I do not have a professional to help. That is what I get for being all open and as usual when I need help the people I depend on to help me. Guess what they do not have time, I am forgotten and left to suck it up hide my emotions, and slap on that ever so famous brave face & grace.
I'm angry on top of all this other stuff. He make me sick.

[WhiteClouds]

I am nothing and I do not matter. Only to those who benefit from mye xistence for personal gain.Always has been. I am no one.

[allme]

Hiya

Who knows what he has going on in his life right now! Try not to panic, there may be a perfectly logical explanation as to why he hasn't got back to you. I have BPD so understand how feeling abandoned is distressing. First sign of it and I am a total needy mess full of anxiety.

Hope you feel better soon

[SkinnySoul]

First off, good luck with your surgery. It's gonna be ok.

Originally Posted by WhiteClouds

Ugh, why did I even start counseling in the first place. Now I am all exposed, vulnerable, terrified,an emotional wreck. And guess what I do not have a professional to help. That is what I get for being all open and as usual when I need help the people I depend on to help me. Guess what they do not have time, I am forgotten and left to suck it up hide my emotions, and slap on that ever so famous brave face & grace.
I'm angry on top of all this other stuff. He make me sick.

This is scary, I could have written this almost word for word.
Ahem, to say something useful: You have the right to be pissed. He should be there for you, it's his JOB. I'm sorry he ignored you like this.

Originally Posted by WhiteClouds

I am nothing and I do not matter. Only to those who benefit from mye xistence for personal gain.Always has been. I am no one.

No honey, you're not.
You were just treated badly, several times in your life apparently. Life is not fair and I'm sure you didn't deserve it; it just happened.

You will find people who treat you with respect and tenderness.
Please focus on your health right now, try to keep it positive and push away negative emotions and/or people.
Good luck with your surgery, I will be thinking about you.

[WhiteClouds]

Hi there allme. Thanks. A part of me feel like I am being some demanding Diva. The other part of me knows how hard it is for me to reach out for help. Who knows. I think I may go to the ER later. So I don't know what else to do.

[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by WhiteClouds

*sigh* I'm pissed. I feel like smacking my T in the face! I have surgery on Wednesday of this week. Since Thursday I've had nightmares about dying during the procedure, being shown all the instruments they will use, loss of appetite, queasy stomach, shaking, not able to focus, extremely anxious. I'm trying to put on a brave face for my family. However, I am not in a good place at all.
I called T Thursday to leave a message on his confidential voicemail. (the mailbox was full) smh, not good. I left message with receptionist Thursday to please have him to call me, since it was hours since I had called the confidential voice mail. No call, no nothing. (By then I am bothered and becoming more anxious etc.)
Today I broke down and text him on the confidential voicemail number. A cell phone. No answer. No response. Now I feel like some stupid school girl in trouble needing help. And the person who I pay to help my navigate this crazy, madness I feel. And He is ignoring me! Like I am some nagging, worthless, nothing. I'm pissed. I literally feel like he gives a rats patooty what is going on.
Ugh, why did I even start counseling in the first place. Now I am all exposed, vulnerable, terrified,an emotional wreck. And guess what I do not have a professional to help. That is what I get for being all open and as usual when I need help the people I depend on to help me. Guess what they do not have time, I am forgotten and left to suck it up hide my emotions, and slap on that ever so famous brave face & grace.
I'm angry on top of all this other stuff. He make me sick.

No words of wisdom, just want you to know that I understand. It becomes all consuming. Write a letter to him. Don't send it right away. But vent your heart out. You are truly not alone.

[allme]

Originally Posted by WhiteClouds

Hi there allme. Thanks. A part of me feel like I am being some demanding Diva. The other part of me knows how hard it is for me to reach out for help. Who knows. I think I may go to the ER later. So I don't know what else to do.

Do you have anyone else you can reach out to? Of course if you feel ER is the place for you then go....

Your feelings and reactions, I think, are common. Don't beat yourself up for being too demanding! We have emotional issues, that's why we see t's etc. So to have a reaction like this, in my books, is quite normal....

[WhiteClouds]

Originally Posted by SkinnySoul

First off, good luck with your surgery. It's gonna be ok.

This is scary, I could have written this almost word for word.
Ahem, to say something useful: You have the right to be pissed. He should be there for you, it's his JOB. I'm sorry he ignored you like this.

No honey, you're not.
You were just treated badly, several times in your life apparently. Life is not fair and I'm sure you didn't deserve it; it just happened.

You will find people who treat you with respect and tenderness.
Please focus on your health right now, try to keep it positive and push away negative emotions and/or people.
Good luck with your surgery, I will be thinking about you.

Thanks . *exhale* I'm trying my best not to call and literally go Code Red on him. I think the best thing I can do is stop seeing altogether. This is devastating. especially during this time. I want to yell, scream at him. Push him down a flight of stairs. Throw wine in his face. Such a painful let down. I do not have any support from relatives. My husband and I brave everything alone. I have to be brave for him. If not he freaks out. Oh this sucks. What am I to do. I'm tired of it always going this way with people I choose to be vunerable with.

[WhiteClouds]

Originally Posted by allme

Do you have anyone else you can reach out to? Of course if you feel ER is the place for you then go....

Your feelings and reactions, I think, are common. Don't beat yourself up for being too demanding! We have emotional issues, that's why we see t's etc. So to have a reaction like this, in my books, is quite normal....

My T office is where I take off the "mask". He is my support system and where I do my self help work at. This is just an occasion I have not feeling right and need to reach out for help.. I just have to suck it up. I will be alone and that is the way it is. And always has been.

[WhiteClouds]

Okay it has been since 12<30. No response, call back nada. I am so tempted to call and go code red on him. OMG I am fighting the urge to call him and go off!

It is Sunday. Perhaps he's waiting until he's back at work tomorrow.

[WhiteClouds]

Well I called him. He was on the phone. SO if that is his theory. Very well. However, I need a clinician the do not limit crisis to Monday _ Thursday. Guess it didn't dawn to him clients need help on the weekend. Calling tomorrow to terminate. Selfish, money grubbing, degenerate. Make me sick. I will begin looking in the morning an find a new T. Thi sis serious.

[WhiteClouds]

Hi phone was making that beeping sound when someone is on the other line. So I know he saw the message, he just didn't care to even respond to say "Hey can you come in tomorrow or anything". Nothing.

[WhiteClouds]

This is how I feel:

[Hopelesspoppy]

Feeling avoided is the worst. Been there.

[WhiteClouds]

Then like a dummy I sent a text at 8pm asking him to confirm receipt of my message at his office on Thursday and my text this afternoon. No answer. I can not look at him. I cannot believe I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom balling my eyes out. It's that same disgusting feeling. Not good right now. don't want to wake up tomorrow. Another day to feel stupid.

Has he normally replied after hours and on weekends? Is contact between sessions something he has normally responded to? Have you had discussions about contact between sessions?

[WhiteClouds]

Yes, he normally respond after hours. However this has only happened twice in the 18 months I've seen him. Both instances were around the time, I was about to undergo a medical procedure.
I cried today when I realized, how much I depend on him. I cried because that overwhelming feeling of abandonment, loneliness was back in a way I had never known. I was angry because I needed him and he was not there when I needed him most.
At 35 years old, I do not know what it feel like for someone to be there for me when it gets bad.
He did finally call back. With his daughter in the background and an explanation about he was out of town and had no signal.
I think he allowed me to hear all of this is the back ground to reiterate that he has his own life, family, priorities. And I am not one of them.
This day has remind me... I have no one. I am alone. I am in this world with an expectation that started as a child. be strong, suppress an never need anyone no matter how much you hurt.
This day has me questioning why even go to counseling, I need to work out my own problems. The minute I need someone to help me. The moment I am vulnerable, at my worse...... **SILENCE** ALONE** CURTAIN CLOSE**

[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by WhiteClouds

Yes, he normally respond after hours. However this has only happened twice in the 18 months I've seen him. Both instances were around the time, I was about to undergo a medical procedure.
I cried today when I realized, how much I depend on him. I cried because that overwhelming feeling of abandonment, loneliness was back in a way I had never known. I was angry because I needed him and he was not there when I needed him most.
At 35 years old, I do not know what it feel like for someone to be there for me when it gets bad.
He did finally call back. With his daughter in the background and an explanation about he was out of town and had no signal.
I think he allowed me to hear all of this is the back ground to reiterate that he has his own life, family, priorities. And I am not one of them.
This day has remind me... I have no one. I am alone. I am in this world with an expectation that started as a child. be strong, suppress an never need anyone no matter how much you hurt.
This day has me questioning why even go to counseling, I need to work out my own problems. The minute I need someone to help me. The moment I am vulnerable, at my worse...... **SILENCE** ALONE** CURTAIN CLOSE**

Yes, it sounds orchestrated. No, you are not alone,

[growlycat]

I hope you can find a new T. You really need someone who will be there for you. Lots of hugs your way. I've been there.

[WhiteClouds]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I hope you can find a new T. You really need someone who will be there for you. Lots of hugs your way. I've been there.

Thanks. I cried today, a lot. He has avoided me. Refused to have an appointment with me. I could feel it. It is over. It hurts. But what can I do. I shouldn't be chasing my T down. It's painful. But it is what it is. It will take time.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by WhiteClouds

Then like a dummy I sent a text at 8pm asking him to confirm receipt of my message at his office on Thursday and my text this afternoon. No answer. I can not look at him. I cannot believe I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom balling my eyes out. It's that same disgusting feeling. Not good right now. don't want to wake up tomorrow. Another day to feel stupid.

I can believe the 30 minutes in the bathroon craying (balling). I've been there. It hurts a lot. It gets better.

[growlycat]

There are T's out there that don't suck. Hope you can search for what you deserve!

Maybe you could work through this with him? It's okay to be angry though.

Did he say he would always return your calls?

Maybe you could work through this with him? It's okay to be angry though.

Did he say he would always return your calls?