Distracted from the work

Hi pc people-

You may know from my previous posts that I feel attracted to my CBT therapist but I understand that nothing will or should come of it.

I can't think of a reason to bring up how I feel, it just seems too embarrassing.

Even though I've try to stuff down these feelings, I feel like the essence of what I'm craving keeps popping up. And distracting me from the work.

I came in for help with specific problems I really do want to work on, but once in session, I feel like the topic floats back to my need for care, reassurance, nurturing etc and he matter of fact-ly states how I must have not had enough growing up.

I can't tell if this is a distraction from the work and I'm trying to get my needs met within this relationship or if it is actually essential to the work??

I'm confused.

I'm not sure why it couldn't be both, but I do psychoanalysis not CBT. Transference feelings are part of the work in analysis. They are also in some senses a distraction from other issues that are in need of work, but they are still part of the working through process. My shrink is pretty open to discussing anything and as I have said in posts here, I was able to work through these feelings to get to a more solid and stable working relationship, one that also meets my needs, just not in the way I was doing it before I worked it out. Good luck because it can be confusing when you are going through this.

I did CBT once, and I own one of the handbooks. It doesn't seem to me that transference/feelings for a T are part of CBT, just like they aren't part of my DBT skills workbook. I think that's why your T reacts the way he does. Still, I think you should bring it up with him again if it bothers you and distracts you. He'll probably give you the same answer, though. Maybe you can use the CBT skills to work through it. Like, examine your distorted thinking and asking yourself questions about your feelings. If it's just plain attraction, then maybe you should seriously consider getting a different CBT T. Sorry if this answer isn't helpful; I DO understand your feelings!!!

Wow, I didn't really realize that CBT doesn't allow for this type of discussion. That makes it much harder. Now I understand the conflict better. I'm not sure what I what I would do in your situation. Perhaps the rules need to broken in order to have the discussion anyway even if that seems really risky. After all, it is therapy so it is supposed to help you regardless of the mode of approach. Therapists are trained in several different modes so they do realize that their own preference is not universal and perhaps not always the only path.

I'm not sure if what I'm doing is "straight up CBT"--I'm pretty sure he mixes styles. Also, we don't do any worksheets or workbooks but I am given homework.

He once told me "we can talk about anything" so I don't think it is off limits. It just doesn't seem as natural to talk about is as in psychodynamic therapy.

If you need some assistance in getting this issue cleared up, then your therapist is the natural person to ask, even if it doesn't seem like business as usual. You say that it is distracting you so that has real meaning and becomes an issue itself that would benefit from being addressed. Just my take, but as I said I do psychoanalysis where this type of thing is part of the process.

Transference is just another word for feelings. So even though transference doesn't generally come up with CBT, acknowledging your feelings does. He may not see your attraction as part of your "work" together, but still may want to explore how your attraction might be affecting your progress. Its possible that by talking about it, the intensity of your feelings diminish a little. If not you can decide what, if anything, you can do to work through it.

Transference is just another word for feelings. It is present in most all relationships.

Transference and countertransference are words for feelings, and they are present in most relationships. However, these are not typical relationships because of the intensity and the lack of reciprocation as a rule. So it means slightly more than feelings. It involves some projection most of the time or some other thing that can feel more intense that in a usual relationship. Some therapies depend on transference set up on purpose so certain things can be worked through. So it is quite normal and to be expected that these types of feelings would occur during therapy.

I agree. Although if it's happening during CBT therapy and it's romantic in nature, it may not hold much deeper significance other than that you like and are attracted to this person. It can detract from the work in this case since a patient might hold back info crucial to therapy in order to make themselves seem more attractive. There are some things said in therapy that you just wouldn't share with someone you are attracted to, at least not in the initial stages!

Oh amee I had to chuckle. Last week he heard all about my adventures in food poisoning.
Making myself more attractive? not really.

But I do understand and appreciate your point.

I found myself doing that at first If you don't even better, it won't hurt your progress so much!

Feeling attraction for a therapist when you know they are not available is a sign usually that something deeper is going on. Whatever it is and there can be a wide range, I think it needs some sorting through, either on one's own or in session to whatever extent is possible. It is true we can just feel an attraction, but since we also know that it can't be reciprocated that would send a signal to me at least that there is more at stake especially if it has become distracting to the actual work. Not to sound harsh about it, just my own take on it. I do psychoanalysis so believe that we are motivated by lots of unconscious material that floats up in disguised ways. I actually like it when this happens because I like the working through process. I also do regular journaling to conduct what I call "self-analysis." I don't just keep the therapeutic process to the sessions. I also continue the work on my own outside. And not always bring up what I do in sessions unless there is something that I think would be really worth taking up the time for.

Archipelago--
I'm sure you are right, that it runs much deeper. I go back and forth between being attracted/aroused by him then sometimes, he feels more paternal to me. Sometimes I even find him annoying!!!

How do you journal in a way that reveals more than the surface stuff? Just curious--thanks!!

I agree too that there is more underneath the feelings. It may not be because he is your T - it could have been a co worker or someone else. But the fact that they are unavailable does mean something else is probably going on. Are you able to identify if something happens before the sessions when you feel the attraction that might be a trigger? Journalling might be able to help identify that.

I'm curious what the take on it might be if the T doesn't encourage exploring the feelings deeper and working through it (like I wrote about in my other post). Do you think in that case there is something going on with the T or could it be because of a different theoretical approach?

I believe in countertransference, and though I have not myself experience this particular type, it is clear that others have. What I mean is that the therapist could be sending unconscious signals that he is getting the message about the attraction and enjoying it without anything being said. That's the power of the unconscious.

I'm not saying that is the case here. Just a hypothetical situation.

It would be frustrating to me to be with a therapist who could not have this type of conversation, regardless of theoretical approach. All the research repeats the same evidence that the therapeutic relationship itself has twice the effect size than the technique so it is a major factor in the therapy.

To work it out on my own, I write about it. I push myself to use metaphors and analogies and then unpack what kinds of language I'm using as clues to what else might be going on. I also search for clues to what the feelings remind me of in my own experiences, especially old ones. Sometimes it is not very obvious so takes several sessions of writing to get anywhere close but eventually I am able to track it down and begin to see what I'm doing. I don't know if that helps or not. I have posted about why it happened to me in other threads here so you can take a look at those to see how I resolved it. One thing I will say is when I worked it through, the feelings went away and now the relationship is much more solid and even closer because those feelings were getting in the way of true intimacy.

I see your point. And that can be difficult in a situation where otherwise the client-T relationship is very good. Having this information out in the open would definitely change the dynamic which may not be something either party wants in some cases. In my case he expressed only 2 things would come of letting your feelings known to the object of your affection- an affair or ending the relationship. Nothing more than that, he was pretty clear cut about it.

In growly cat's situation though, if the feelings are just giddy fun I see nothing to work through. But if work is not getting done, then feelings need to be sorted out and discussed to some extent. I would guess my pdoc's response wasn't the most typical, but it is something to think about.