Ouch....

My Heart is heavy today.

It was overall a good session - it had been 3 weeks since we last met.

The harsh reality of her leaving is staring me straight in the face now. She has interviews for internships in other states next week.

I wished her luck, and I mean it...I want her to get where she wants/needs to be in her career and life. I want her to go on and help many people (which she will) Sadly though , more than anything...I want her with me.

I like her as "T the therapist" she does a wonderful job.

I love her as "T the person" nothing to do with therapy...I know she's not a therapist in her personal time (well, I hope not anyway...that would be terrible for her) I love the person I've spent the last two years "learning."

Today I told her "The child in me wants to beg you to stay...even knowing you can't"

Hell, the Adult in me wants to beg her to stay also.

More than anything I hope she understands that my feelings are genuine. I love her, and for some reason It's important to me that she understands this. I know it doesn't mean anything , nor will it change the situation...but I just feel like I need some validation of these feelings....or, more validation.

I'm not quite sure why.

While I am so grateful for her , and the work we've done together...losing her is the most heart wrenching thing I have ever experienced to date.

Uuugh. I suppose I'll try and sleep a little or something, I cried enough in session today...don't need to start that again.

Ouch is the only word I can leave you with. Ouch.

Learning, your post touches me deeply. Your feelings are similar to mine for my T. Have you told her that you love her? When will she be leaving? Can you write or draw something for her to show your feelings about her and your therapy? Something tangible like that would validate them, and would give her a reminder of you, also.

Will you be able to contact her by phone or email when she leaves? I think that a T leaving is a unique kind of grief that has to be processed like any other loss. It's very hard, and many people don't understand. The attitude of others is "it's only your T, not your friend or relative". But I think the therapeutic relationship is more than a friendship, not less. It's different, but not less. My first T told me that, and I never forgot it. It's okay to cry and grieve about it. Ouch is an appropriate word for it. I'm sorry you have to go through losing your T.

If you want more responses, you could post in the regular forum since this isn't really about romantic feelings. It's about loss of a special relationship. I want to send you many hugs.

One of the most profound moments in therapy for me was when I realized my T actually cared how I felt about her. Before that I had it in my head that she wouldn't take me seriously if I said I loved her. I realized that was "young" kind of thinking which stemmed from experiences I had as a child. It was such a relief to be able to tell her how I felt about her and know it mattered to her.

How did you know your confession meant something to your therapist? I'm wondering what she said or how she handled it that makes you feel this way. That sounds like an awesome experience.

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She said something in session about how when you are a child and you feel a connection with an adult, it can feel unequal. After I got home I was thinking about how I felt that way with so many of my teachers at school growing up, that I wanted more of a relationship with them than I had but I was just one of many students in their class and I felt any declaration of affection would maybe be found "cute" but not really be taken seriously, and that it was exactly the same way I felt about my T...like I could love her genuinely and she would just dismiss it as transference or something. Then it occurred to me to talk to that child inside of myself and tell her that her feelings were real and mattered even if she hadn't always been treated that way. I cried a bit over it and afterwards I could easily see what had been there all along...that T had always taken all of my feelings seriously. Her affection and care for me was more than evident in all of her behavior and certainly when you feel that way about someone, you care whether or not they return the sentiment (although an ethical T knows how to deal with it when their client doesn't love them back...)

I don't know if that answered the question, but I tried.

I can completely relate as my second T was harder to leave than the first. As we both put so much time and energy into the process. She too was sad to see me go and said I could check in from time to time. The closure session was hard but we both got a piece of each other. I gave a picture I colored and I got a multicolored stone. I carry it in my car so it goes everywhere I go.

Wow, that's beautiful, and what an awesome gesture. I'm going to write her a letter and give it to her on our last session. I don't believe she'll give me anything of hers...but that's ok, I want her to have something from me. I'm sure she knows how beautiful and special she is to me...but I'd like to put it in writing as well.

Thank you for sharing this!