[Mactastic]

I hate myself for my obsession. It comes and goes but always returns with a vengeance. For the past week or two I was feeling good. In the last session I told my T I had googled him and we talked a bit about it. I felt better and he normalized it for me, even telling me he had googled his own T. He said practically everyone does it.

My obsession seems to get worse when I know I have more than a week between appointments, as this week. I am skipping a week so I can enjoy my birthday with friends, rather than see him on our usual night. Last night (on here) I learned from another thread that voting records are public. Oh boy. I looked up my T, and much to my dismay, there was his address.

Not being able to stop myself I googled that too, and before I knew it I was looking at pics of the inside. This house was on the market last year and the photos are still up. It's a beautiful little house, not at all what I imagined, and I'm more jealous than ever.

Now I'm stuck. I cannot admit to this breach, no way, no how. I'm sad because I was feeling better and then I screwed it up again. I have shared with him how sometimes I get fixated on therapy but what I really meant was that I get fixated on him I HATE this!

[bunnylove45]

What is it that you are hoping to come across or discover on your exploration?

[rainbow8]

I understand about the obsessing. With me, once I start the googling it's hard to stop. I have the urges off and on, and in fact, I have recently felt like looking her up on FB again, and googling her, just to "see if there's anything new". It used to be a way to get closer to her, plus a lot of curiousity, especially about her husband and kids. But when I saw them on FB, I got jealous and upset. Then, I felt I HAD to go by her house, the one she recently moved into. She didn't like that. I told her I needed to know where she is.

This time if the urges continue I'm going to tell her before I do it because the feelings are so painful. She always says to "ask her" instead. But she wouldn't have let me go by her house. She would show me photos from her phone, though.

I know it's hard but I think you should tell your T about seeing his house. He may not like it, but it's important to talk about why you did it, and if he's okay with it, like the other googling. Now I know that I can't go by T's house again--it's crossing her boundary, but googling or FB is okay. She doesn't want me to those things, the googling and FB, because they make me feel worse, not better. They don't help!! It IS an obsession, more like an addiction. I think it goes along with internet addiction; just one more click and I'll get to where I want, get the answers, see what I want to, get satisfied, but it just makes you want MORE.

I understand what you're going through.

I don't blame you! I've googled my T till the end of the Internet. He keeps his online persona very private, so I haven't found much. I haven't shared this with him, just because I don't wanna creep him out. Not that he would be terribly offended, it's just not a conversation I feel like having.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[secretworld]

I have done all these things myself, could have wrote this myself. I haven't gone to her house yet, and don't think I would risk that. But, it is as an addiction. Only difference is there is no reward, just pain with everything you find out. I wish I wouldn't have found out some of the things I have. If I was at the start point again I would do things differently as I know how unhealthy and damaging to therapy this is.

But, yeah... Talk to him about it.

[Mactastic]

I will never, ever drive by his house (though I considered it for a few moments before coming to my senses) and I will never, ever tell him I figured out where he lives. NOTHING good can come out of my obsession. It was difficult enough to disclose I had Facebooked him, I could never in a million years disclose more than that.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I will never, ever drive by his house (though I considered it for a few moments before coming to my senses) and I will never, ever tell him I figured out where he lives. NOTHING good can come out of my obsession. It was difficult enough to disclose I had Facebooked him, I could never in a million years disclose more than that.

I understand the way you feel, that nothing good could come out of your obsession, but I wonder if something good could come from telling your T about it so he could possibly help you to deal with your feelings. It sounds like you're ashamed of them and you hate yourself for your behavior. Whether it's about your T or someone else, those are strong feelings and therapy is a place to deal with them. You said he normalized your feelings about googling, so if you talk some more about it, maybe he can help you even more so you don't agonize over what you did.

[RTerroni]

I haven't done the Googling yet with my current Therapist but I am sure that it is only a matter of time before I do.

[Cherubbs]

I google anyone I'm curious about, I thought everyone does that these days, it's not obsessing is it? ...

[Neurotic 2 the bone]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I hate myself for my obsession. It comes and goes but always returns with a vengeance. For the past week or two I was feeling good. In the last session I told my T I had googled him and we talked a bit about it.

My obsession seems to get worse when I know I have more than a week between appointments, as this week. I am skipping a week so I can enjoy my birthday with friends, rather than see him on our usual night.

I have shared with him how sometimes I get fixated on therapy but what I really meant was that I get fixated on him I HATE this!

WOW. This really hits home. This is EXACTLY what I am going through. I too am obsessed with my T. Just yesterday I told her that I had googled her and looked at photos of her. That caused several problems for me. One was I saw how accomplished and impressive she is, which made me feel inadequate around her and I was nervous to face her again. The second problem was some of the photos were from her modeling days. I always knew she was beautiful, but I didn't know she modeled. That's only made my obsession for her worse.

My obsession also gets worse when there's a week off between sessions. We normally see each other once a week and I've only been going to her for a short while, but this past week she had to cancel due to illness and I nearly went crazy going a whole 2 weeks without being able to see her. I told her this and how I think about her all the time. She said she'd never heard that from a patient before. She was pleased I was so honest with her, especially about the feelings of inadequacy, and then gave me the talk on how therapists are not allowed to return those kinds of feelings or have any kind of relationship with a client outside the office. She was so good about it all that it only made me long for her more.

When my session with her was over this Monday I stood out in the parking lot in the freezing cold not wanting to leave. I was waiting for her to come out so I could just walk her to her car or something. OBSESSED is definitely the word I'd use to describe myself right now.

I've read a lot of posts on here but never participate. This is the first one that really made me feel I needed to respond. It's like you took the words out of my head.

I can empathise. Luckily he does sessions at his house so I get to be uber nosy.

I think that obsessing can be useful, it can show us what our relationship patterns might be (just hugely heightened perhaps). If we were not involved in them we would not engage and could not do the work. Imagine coming out the other side and being able to deal with the feelings if they came up in the future with other people.

It's horrendous I know, but i also think it can be useful.

[Sad&Bipolar]

Cherubbs, It depends on why you are googling someone, whether or not it is an obsession. I use Bing instead of Google, but I did check out my new T before I called to make a first appt. to check on client ratings/satisfaction and get info to help me make the decision whether or not to try him as a T. However, doing an online search for personal information about a T, I believe falls into the category of obsession. Whatever one is curious about their T, they should ask in person rather than online. It sounds like your googling is merely curiosity rather than obsessing. Viv D.

[Cherubbs]

Originally Posted by Sad&Bipolar

Cherubbs, It depends on why you are googling someone, whether or not it is an obsession. I use Bing instead of Google, but I did check out my new T before I called to make a first appt. to check on client ratings/satisfaction and get info to help me make the decision whether or not to try him as a T. However, doing an online search for personal information about a T, I believe falls into the category of obsession. Whatever one is curious about their T, they should ask in person rather than online. It sounds like your googling is merely curiosity rather than obsessing. Viv D.

Yup I know what you mean, there's googling and there's desperately scouring the internet. I've done that too.