[LearningMe01]

So it is officially down to the wire. T and I have two sessions left; for the rest of our lives.

I thought about this moment for a long time. T and I discussed it on and off for the better part of 6 months. As I sit here, I still feel so unprepared to let her go. I can imagine losing a T is always excruciating, especially when you have no choice in the matter...the fact that I have been head over heals for her (for a long time now) makes it feel almost unbearable.

I've been avoiding talking about it for a few sessions now. I've avoided anything that had to do with her leaving , my feelings for her ...or continuing therapy with someone else. It's too painful, and I've run out of things to say. I feel like I've said it all.

Our session Monday was extremely hard and in some ways touching at the same time. I'm having a "bad day" with thoughts of her leaving swimming through my head...sometimes writing it down helps a little.

This is how our most recent session went....

T: So, I wanted to check back in with you about continuing therapy...about me leaving..and how you're feeling with it all.

Me: I've been avoiding this subject.

T: I know.

Me: Well , as far as how I'm feeling? Is devastated too strong of a word? Like I've been hit by A truck. Like my heart has been ripped out...like I want to BEG you to stay in my life , but I know it would be in vain? How's that?

T: (Shakes her head in understanding)

T: Have you given any more thought to continuing therapy here? With the person I've picked out for you?

Me: (eyes filled with tears) I don't know. While I know continuing therapy would be a good thing for me , I really don't know if I can come back to this building. I don't know how I'll sit in this small room with someone new across from me. It's a lot.

T: Well, what would you think about him joining us for one of these sessions?

Me: Not the last one. I'd rather just keep that one for us.

T: Of course, so how bout next week?

Me: Whatever (being a total pain in the ***)

T: Just glares at me with a half smile on her face.

Me: I mean ok , I guess. I don't know what I'll say to him though. I'll probably just stare at him.

T: Laughs. It will only be for a few minutes, and it might help you when deciding...You'll be able to put a face to the person.

Me: Ok.

Me: (Changing the subject) So, you said it would be ok to write to you , with updates on my life and such. You also said that you "couldn't respond". When you said this , I told you "Forget it, I'm not going to write to a ghost".

T: (just shaking her head)

Me: I've changed my mind. I think I would like to write to you once or twice...even if I get nothing back.

T: Ok. What changed?

Me: As corny as this may sound...(tears pouring down my face now) You've given me a tremendous gift. Despite everything we've been through over the years...you've helped me find myself again...helped me to learn things about myself, and to do what's best for me. I can't ever thank you for that. I know that you enjoy updates...so I've decided I'd like to do that; for you.

T: That is so touching. Thank you so much , it means a lot.

Me: This question might be too personal, it's sorta like asking you about your feelings...but it's something I need to ask for myself. You know how I feel. I've told you I love you. I've told you that your loss is probably the most painful thing I've experienced to date. I've told you how much I'll miss you - probably until the day I die. Can I ask you something?

T: Sure.

Me: Will you miss this?

T: (In a very sincere way and without hesitation)Oh, Absolutely.

Me: (Crying my eyes out)

T: The amount of trust you have instilled in me...all the conversations we've had. How you've continue to show up , even when it seemed unbearable...even when you didn't have to. All of those things are amazing. It could have gone an entirely different way. We've been through a lot together...and I am beyond honored. Of course on a therapist level...but also on a human level.

Me: (still crying...) I've said it before...but I believe I'll think about you and this experience until the day I die...probably forever.

T: (shook her head) And there's going to come a point when it doesn't hurt anymore , too. Look...I've had my heart ripped out...I know what that pain feels like. It feels like it's never going to stop...but eventually it does, and even then you wonder how you ever got through it, but you do. Somehow, you just do.

Me: I understand , and I know. I don't want to have to "get through it" though. I just wish you could stay in my life...

T: (nodding and looking at me in a very empathetic and genuine way)

Me: (Sat there, looking at the ground and crying for what felt like an eternity while she sat there and watched me)

Annnnnd that's the gist of it. We went on for a while about it...and also about some other things. Eventually the session ended and we said goodbye. As I was driving home the reality of it all really set in. I have two sessions left. Each session only consists of an hour..so I have two HOURS left with one of the most special people I've ever known. Two hours. One of which will be involving the person who she wants to take her place.

How do I do this? How do I say goodbye (forever) to someone I love so much? How do you keep yourself going when it ends? How do you ease your own pain?

Two more sessions. Two hours.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you so much for sharing. I don't know what to say except that I dread this too and I totally empathise with every word. I hope the new T will give you the safety and the support you will need. I am so sorry you are hurting. Thank you again for sharing. Xxx

[Mactastic]

I can't imagine the pain you're in. I am glad to hear you have decided to send letters to your T when your time ends. I remember you were so against it and I think you will find it really helpful.

You always will have a special place in your heart for your T. You can return to this little place when you are in need. My T says some therapeutic bonds affect us until our natural death and this bond sound like just such an example.

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

How do I do this? How do I say goodbye (forever) to someone I love so much? How do you keep yourself going when it ends? How do you ease your own pain?

I don't know. I am going to be facing this soon myself. And I just don't know either how we are supposed to do that. Hugs and light to you as you go through this.

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I can't imagine the pain you're in. I am glad to hear you have decided to send letters to your T when your time ends. I remember you were so against it and I think you will find it really helpful.

You always will have a special place in your heart for your T. You can return to this little place when you are in need. My T says some therapeutic bonds affect us until our natural death and this bond sound like just such an example.

This gives me comfort as my own termination approaches. I believe that the bond I have with my T is one of those too. Thanks for sharing this.

[MASIMO]

You are not alone in this. I cried through your post. I have been trying to imagine my last two seasons and can't help but cry. It's heart wrenching to think about. I'm so Sorry for your Pain.
I'm already in pain over the end of my therapy and I'm months away from his retirement and also having to transition to new T. This is the strangest and most influential, and intimate relationship ive ever had....and it being taken away by that very person. How does one accept this?
I am Going through all the stages of grief at once except acceptance.
There is only time to hang onto and It's ability to soften even the worst Pain.

I'm fortunate I will have some contact with him by email. But that can never replace being in his presence, looking into his eyes. Hearing his voice, and Feeling the safety of an occasional hug.
Stay strong, all of us losing our beloved T. We have to take their spirit with us, It's what they hope for us, and make them proud by continuing to move forward.

i am so sorry i have been thru this too. only i didnt know it was goig to happen and t left me out of nowhere. but i promise it does get easier. it will take a while but the pain will dissipate. it will.

[Petra5ed]

God, reading this was gut wrenching. Of course your T is right, you will "get over it" one day and it won't be as painful. I just feel for you, because I can imagine myself in your shoes and it's hard... especially when your T means so much. You have to fight to be strong for both of you. I'm very sorry you are going though this, but do know that it will be ok and I would be just as much if not more of a basket case as you, so it really is normal.