[LearningMe01]

So, this is it. Monday is my last session with T. The last time I'll see her for the rest of my natural life.

I'm a mess inside. I feel like the person I love is being ripped away from me forever. Like she's dying in front of me. While she's obviously very alive...to me she's dying. Vanishing from life.

I was supposed to meet the new therapist she's picked out for me last week. She asked if I'd be interested in doing that (considering I'm not even sure if I'll continue therapy right now) I told her it was OK, as long as it wasn't on the last session...that is a special one...I'm not interested in anyone new being there. She understood that...or at least I thought she did. He couldn't make it last week, so he will be coming for a few minutes on our last day together. I'm not at all thrilled with that. I suppose I can handle it for a few minutes, but if it starts dragging on ...I won't have a problem asking him to leave.

I'm going to be mess on Monday. I'm trying to think of a way to make it through the session without sobbing. I feel that would be a waste of the hour. Not sure how I'll pull that off yet.

Most people don't get this kind of goodbye with people they love. I believe that more than not , significant losses come sudden. I think this kind of goodbye is good and bad. Good because I've had plenty of time to say what I wanted/needed to say...some time to process the loss (although I don't believe I've done a good job processing it...I'm still feeling devastated and slightly in denial.)But bad because it's almost like ripping a band
aid off slowly...I've been dreading it for a long time now...and not that the moment has arrived It doesn't hurt any less.

I'm afraid I'll never fall in love like this again. I didn't even know was possible to love another human being this way.

It's hard for me to swallow the fact that there will be no contact (I saw her through a University...the rules are even more stringent than with 'regular' Therapists) I mean she is literally going to be "Here one minute, gone the next" Just completely gone. Almost like the relationship never happened. uuuugh.

Last week she asked me "How will you take care of yourself through this...once I'm gone"

I couldn't answer that question. I have no clue how I'll take care of myself. I don't even know how I'm going to continue on with "life as usual"

My reply to her question was "I can't answer that. I guess I'll know when I do it."

Uuuugh. My heart hurts so unbelievably bad. More than I ever knew a heart could hurt. I now understand the meaning of the word "Heartbroken".

God , I really wish someone could "fix" this for me. I know it's not possible...but I just wish someone could find a way to make the more tolerable for me...or that I could find a way to make it more tolerable for myself.

People say that it's best to deal with things "One day at a time". In my case, I literally have to deal with it "one second at a time" right now taking on a whole day seems impossible.

Ughhh.

I suppose I'll try to write more after our last session on Monday. I'll try. Not sure if I'll be able to handle it. Either way, I'll update eventually.

Please send lots of "positive thoughts" in my direction. I'll be needing them.

[IndestructibleGirl]

This sounds insanely painful. Do you have good friends or a family member you can depend on?

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

I didn't even know was possible to love another human being this way.

I am so glad you wrote this. I feel the same way. Sending you strength to get through this and know you will be all the more stronger for it.