Sexual attraction vs transference

Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm wondering if people feel like they want to make love to their T because of their transference - someone who loves them as they are, doesn't judge them, and cares for them unconditionally - how wonderful that is.
But what about plain old sexual attraction? Did any of you, at first sight, when you first saw your T, think "wow, he/she's so hot, I want to ***** them"? And every time you see them, feel that little leap inside because you feel a pull?
I was instantly attracted to my current T. I fantasise a lot. But I don't let it interfere with my appointments. I know I'm there to get better. But selfishly, I think the attraction is a bonus and helps me look forward to seeing him, even though I hate talking about some of the stuff I have to talk about.
I think it's a crush like I have on my GP, Brad Pitt, etc. first thought is always "he's hot!"
Transference... I guess I see my current T like a very good friend. A very safe place I can dump all my bad stuff and talk about things I haven't handled well. And there's never any criticism or judgement. Just, "do you think if you did x, it might work out better next time?" Or one time he was annoyed at me at something I'd done, I just had to accept I'd done the wrong thing and own it. He says that makes me a better person if I can be honest and try to get it right next time.
Sheesh, I talk too much.

And when I talk about sexual attraction, I think of it the same as a few of my co workers in an all male office. Some of them were cute, some gorgeous, but I never told them, just enjoyed the eye candy lol

With cbt T, I first met him in the hallway outside the medical clinic.

He introduced himself and shook my hand and it was like a jolt of electricity up my arm. I definitely felt a spark of "something". He is instantly charismatic.

However, I don't think I'd pick him out of a crowd as "hot". I think the attentiveness is what is getting to me. It is so addictive to be paid attention to.

Nope, definitely didn't have that reaction or an immediate attraction. I guess she did.

Instant attraction can only be transference - transferred feelings that cause us to feel a certain way about someone. Because we don't know them at all when we first meet, so it cannot be based on anything real about them - it is entirely about us. That's why one person will fancy someone, and another has no such feelings about the same person - it's personal to us, and those important caregivers / relationships from our past. The more we know about someone, the more the transference gets killed off. That's why psychodynamic/ analytic therapists are more cautious of sharing - because it kills off the transference, the tool of their work. Not knowing about someone who is so attentive of us and our needs allows transferential feelings to be felt in an amplified way an, if worked with, are a doorway to us, our lives, our feelings - a way to access the unconscious and to find out about ourselves and the way we relate to others.

Moon

Instant attraction can only be transference - transferred feelings that cause us to feel a certain way about someone. Because we don't know them at all when we first meet, so it cannot be based on anything real about them - it is entirely about us. That's why one person will fancy someone, and another has no such feelings about the same person - it's personal to us, and those important caregivers / relationships from our past. The more we know about someone, the more the transference gets killed off. That's why psychodynamic/ analytic therapists are more cautious of sharing - because it kills off the transference, the tool of their work. Not knowing about someone who is so attentive of us and our needs allows transferential feelings to be felt in an amplified way and, if worked with, are a doorway to us, our lives, our feelings - a way to access the unconscious and to find out about ourselves and the way we relate to others. So,'plain Old sexual attraction' and transferential feelings are one of the same.

Moon

What, no love or lust at first sight?

The love and lust are transferred feelings. But they are real feelings!! Transference feelings are very real but are about us, not the other person. Instant attraction is based on a template we have internalised throughout our life, made up of internalised bits of many people (both good and bad). But your feelings are very valid. The great thing about working transferentially, rather than just taking it on face value, is we can really start to understand ourselves, how stuff is acted out unconsciously and how patterns are repeated. It allows us to bring the unconscious conscious - so we have more control over our lives and more fulfilling relationships. Transference can be both positive and helpful but also negative and unhelpful. It's how we relate to others.

Moon

When i first saw my t as a pdoc i just thought he is attractive. I started to think about him after third or fourth session but not that much as i think now.

This is quite how I felt the first time I shook my T's hand. It was the last time I ever shook his hand because it was so powerful that I've resisted. I would hardly call him charismatic, though. He's exceedingly gentle and for whatever reason I find that intoxicating. Just like you Growly, I'm not sure I'd even spot my T in a crowd. He's reasonably attractive but the undivided attention and positivity I get each week has sucked me in.

I don't really agree with this. I think instant attraction is very real in all areas of life and for a lot of people it is based on physical attraction alone. Of course you don't know the real "them" and feelings might grow or lessen as you spend more time together, but isn't that often the way it is with romantic relationships? Think of how blinded we are in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, only to have reality set in after a while. This has been my experience in real life anyway, and I've seen the same with almost everyone I know at one point or another. So I don't see why it wouldn't happen with a therapist too. Or at the very least, I don't think it needs to be labeled as "transference" every time.

I'm confused about this whole subject of sexual attraction vs transference. I didn't feel either for my T until after a few sessions. I thought she was too thin. Then it all hit me, how pretty she is, and how nice. I fell in love with her eyes! I've felt excited by her in my sessions, and I would have to say sexually aroused, but I don't want to DO anything with her. When we talked about my feelings in my session, she again suggested that I may be bisexual and not to judge myself.

So it could be transference, about what I want to feel for my H. Possibly I stop myself from feeling them as I'm inhibited, plus he doesn't have that effect on me.

I don't think in terms "my T is hot". That expression isn't in my vocabulary; I'm too old! But I have those feelings, even while thinking about her as I write this. I'm sorry if I m writing too much about me in your thread. The title jumped out at me because of my session on Tuesday and wondering how I can figure it out.

I think it can be either or a little of both depending on you and the relationship with your therapist. Like you said, "hot" isn't in your vocabulary and you were drawn to your T gradually over time as you spent more time together. I think this happens a lot in or out of therapy, especially with women. Then there are people are more physical or visually oriented and can be strongly attracted from the beginning - like love at first sight.

A t friend once told me once that everyone is in love with their therapist, so there is something about the positive attention and undivided attention that is a part of it. But isn't that causes us to be attracted to other people most of the time, no matter what the setting? Plus, I think the psychoanalytic use of transference isn't the typical experience in therapy for a lot of people since a there are so many different approaches used now. From what I've read on these forums and elsewhere, many T's are not blank slates at all. Sure we might be projecting if we feel maternal/paternal transference but again that can happen anywhere, not just in therapy.

Well yeah, like an office manager in one of my jobs, he was like a father figure, we'd all go to him with our problems. And then there was one of the boys who we all drooled over. So I'm sure there IS a difference. I don't look at my T as a father figure at all, he's about my age, my first reaction was pow, like looking at Brad Pitt, but then when he started talking, now he's like the best friend, who just happens to be incredibly attractive. I still believe in lust at first sight, I've had other T's and I wasn't attracted to them at all, and some of them were very helpful. Chemical attraction is there for a reason - biologically, to get people mating and multiplying. so that's what I'm talking about. Not "he reminds me of my dad, grandad or a wise uncle or older brother". Just the bam, I could rip your clothes off and shag you right now!

She had something about her...from the first time I met her, there was just something. I can't even describe what it was, but I had an instant pull towards her. I felt intimidated by her power, she's very skilled at what she does and it shows, but also completely mesmerized by her kindness and her aura of 'good'. She isn't very conventionally physically attractive, but I find her attractive in a strange sort of way...most of it is her voice, very seductive, and her smile.

The attraction and more...obsessive shall we say, transference sort of feelings came later. There was actually a point though last year where I hated her. She was pushing me too much and seemed to be getting frustrated with me. I don't know when it changed but after that I was suddenly overwhelmed again by lusty feelings for her. It was odd!

Almost love at first sight. my first meeting with T is a long'ish story.
I tend to be slow on the uptake with any romantic notions/thoughts. I do think it help as if we dont care much for T we might not put much effort in to talking to them.
Put it another way, if some one has a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend would we not talk to them more openly about everything that is off importance.
Having some affection for T tends to let us look up to them and connects with them.
We dont have to tell them we madly love them just turning up and saying Hi and then leaving with a polite bye does tell them what they need to know.

Whats that folks say these days, love the world and the world will love you.

I would say it is transference that causes sexual attraction. Even if it is a purely physical attraction, those physical preferences were developed elsewhere. The source could be something as simple as talking about boys with your girlfriends as a teen. It's still transference.
And, of course the original source of what you find attractive is your parents' attributes, physical and otherwise. Which is why those of us with parents who were either abusive or just simply had their own problems tend to have such sh^tty luck in relationships. Even T relationships...

I always understood Transference as the transferring of feelings for one person onto another (usually a T) based on your life experience. These feelings may have nothing to do with the therapist's real qualities, which is why it was so important for the t to remain a "blank slate" in Freudian psychoanalysis. You can work through your issues by make your T whoever you want them to be.

I don't think instant sexual attraction is the same thing at all. I understand some people are attracted to people who are similar to a parent, good or abusive. But I think that's because people seek out what they know and emulate the relationships that were modeled for them.

This is how i see it: Instant attraction will be pure transference. It is something activated in us that is based on internalised templates. It is about our feelings, based on a lifetimes worth of relationships and experiences, from birth to the present time. Who we are attracted to and the relationships we choose to be in are individual and personal to us. What else could it be? Transference is just the way we relate to others and will be at its most powerful the less we know about someone. So love at first sight and instant attraction is entirely transferential. Who we are and how we feel in the world is based in many experiences, both positive and negative . Transference us just a way if explaining how we relate. It isn't fake or wrong it just is.
Moon

This is the transference! - your feelings about her on first meeting. I love the way you describe your transferential feelings. A positive transference that is always helpful at the start of therapy to keep us attending and to allow an attachment to be formed. There feels there is almost a magical quality to her which is a normal idealised transferential reaction. The all powerful mother! This sounds much what instant attraction feels like too. It is how I often hear it described. It is based in unconscious fantasy.
Moon

Thank you so much for this thread and this post, it describes exactly my feelings for my T. Should I confess to her?! Xx

You should tell her, it makes things a lot better if you tell them apparently. I wish I could buck up the courage.

Really interesting! I didn't know any of that.

Working with these feelings is part of the therapy. But it does depend though on whether or not the therapist gets it, can interpret what is happening and allow the client to use them transferentially. I don't know your therapist so can't say if she will be able to work it through with you. But I can say that your feelings are absolutely ok and are very important. Having the courage to speak to your therapist about them could be very helpful. Try not to feel ashamed - you are normal.

Moon

Thank you for this, it makes much more sense to me in this context. It's just that the term "transference" isn't used as much when not in the context of therapy. The meaning can get pretty muddled and I think sometimes even sounds dismissive, but you articulate it very well here