Maternal Erotic Transference

Yes. This is exactly what the title says.

Maternal Erotic Transference with my T.

It stems from something that happened with my mother when I was 2 or 3 years old. This also is not the first time this has happened.

I feel really repulsed about it. So much shame.

I know I have to talk about it. I feel somewhat scared about bringing this up with my T, but at the same time I feel pretty secure about telling her. I know that it's not specifically about her, but what she represents in the therapeutic alliance/relationship. I've had just maternal transference with her before when I was dealing with my first identity fragment. Now the other one is the focus and this time the transference has another aspect to it from my other identity fragment. Well, she calls this one an alter because she has a name and switched for the first time last week in session.

Anyways, yeah, I guess this isn't really a common type of transference. It's not something that really goes hand in hand, but apparently it does exist. I tried to do a little research, but didn't find a whole lot.

Anyways my question is has anyone experienced this type of transference? How did or does one go about dealing with it beyond just mentioning it?

This is not an issue for me with working with my T. She's not going to refer me out. I am very secure in saying that and I don't plan on terminating, so yeah. She was out in my path for a reason and I know that I can work through this with her. The only reason I can say that with assurance is a) She has stated herself that she came into my path to see me all the way through and she will not refer me for any reason and b) I guess I kinda know the same too.

Maternal erotic transference is very common and very normal. My therapist said it's a beautiful thing and needs to be respected. The adult part of us converts the feelings into adult sexual feelings because we are adults but it's really about our baby selves/ needs. Keep on taking about it and be mindful not to attack yourself for feeling normal feelings. They aren't shameful but perhaps having sexual feelings and fantasies repulses you? (It would be helpful to talk about your feelings about sex) You are allowed to have them and to enjoy them. It will get worked through and out as the therapy progresses. I found that by talking about, and understanding them, they lessened and eventually went away. My therapist was able to freely talk about it without being sexual or acting out in any way the sexual side of it with me.(a fatal mistake I hear so often happening with members here) and that really helped me. I learned to embrace the feelings and to know they are ok. If I l experience them now I just allow them to be and am curious as to what is happening.

Moon

I've experienced it, though with a male therapist... so perhaps it isn't/wasn't as obvious. I think most ET is about maternal/paternal longings. It's great that you've found someone you can trust, who will see you through your journey.

I try to talk about the feelings that come up and think about the different dimensions within my desire, thoughts etc. a lot of the time I don't make a connection in the session, but sometime after. I have also found it important to think about the negative feelings that come up towards my T - anger, hate, envy, rage. I think being able to express those negative feelings, lessens the wounded feelings.

ME ME ME!! I have just recently posted about this as well. My ET actually came on first after the death of my mother and all the other feelings followed. I just recently told my T. a lot of it and it was so embarrassing. She didn't have any reasons she was sharing as she feels I need to work through it and try to figure it out. I totally think it has to do with feeling close to her and certain things start it - her asking about my feelings, her eyes locking mine, the harder the subject the more intense. I think overall it's the connection but haven't figured out why they come out that way.
Read Tales of A Boundary Ninja blog and look at her ET piece about it. Then, I found a posting on Psychcafe.ca where others described it.
I am very glad you posted this as maybe we can work through it together and share what our therapists say. Mine has not dealt with this (even after 20 years of practice) - mainly ET with male clients.
PM if you want!

You just made me realize something.....maybe. I have the hardest time telling other females (friends/family) my feelings about them. I never want to say my feelings first. So, here I am in this therapy and my T. can't/shouldn't say her feelings so I already feel awkward saying any of my feelings.
Yet, I am totally free on my sexual side with men. So, maybe my feelings are coming out sexually because my subconscious knows that I am comfortable being vulnerable that way?
BTW, I am a happily married heterosexual so it has confused me even more!!

I experience this too (unfortunately). It has been a painful experience. I have talked about the maternal transference but have not mentioned the erotic. I am so shy and quiet that I doubt I could get that out. My t allows email/text so anything that is remotely difficult to say gets put in an email. It appears to me that my t does not like to focus too much on transference. I am not sure how I feel about this because I need the feelings to diminish. My t is female and I am a lesbian. Happily married with a family. I am love with my wife and believe we are soul mates so to have such strong feelings for another woman is confusing. I also have maternal transference with two other woman (who are older) and in my life. I would even say maternal/erotic with one of them too. She is in her mid 60's and I am in my 30's. It feels really weird, embarrassing, and shameful to me. So this thread is very interesting to me because I want to hear everyone's thoughts on why this happens. This isn't the kind of talk you can have with friends (if you know what I mean). My best guess is that mine comes from having a mother who was neglectful, emotionally unavailable, put me in unsafe situations, was critical, unstable, and harsh. One of the biggest things is she did not give or allow touch. For some reason she couldn't handle touch so my sisters and I realized at a very young age that we were not allowed to touch her. This has left a huge void for me and I crave touch from my t and the other two older women in my life. I often wonder if this will always be or if I can work through this. The MET feelings border on obsessive for me. I would love for anyone to share their beliefs, thoughts, experience with this issue.

How long have you been in therapy? I have been for 7 months. My maternal feelings started about 2 months in and have just now started to lessen. It took many many tears over what my T couldn't/wouldn't give me and then what my mom never gave me. My T and I have discussed it at length and it is amazing how much I was treating her like my mom negatively. Once I started recognizing when it was happening and why, the feelings weren't as strong. It still hurts but when I cry I'm skipping the part about my T and going straight to my mom. I've even realized I went through stages: infant where I was somewhat obsessed and longed for her; child where I wondered all about her almost wanting to mirror her; teenage where I really felt rebellious and fought with her a lot and maybe now I'm an adult hence the calmer feelings.

As far as the ET, I have no idea. I've never felt this way before and like you would like to hear other experiences. Maybe you should tell your T you would like to talk more about the transference. Even though she doesn't seem to talk about it, I'm sure she notices it and it helps her see how you deal with relationships. I have been amazed what it has shown both me and my T. My T said she normally doesn't point it out to clients and some never realize it has a name. I just happen to be great at researching.

I have been in therapy 1 1/2 years and the transference started about 2-3 months in. I too research everything. I have been to the blog referenced above, psych cafe, and there is also a "therapy" forum on myptsd. I also purchased "in session" by Deborah Lott. All to help myself normalize my feelings and become brave enough to bring it up. Things make sense to me and I am self aware of my tendencies to do this. However, nothing has made these feelings lessen (which is what I want). I think it is ok to have them.....I just don't want to obsess over them and the person/s involved.

I understand. Many things speculate what it means but nothing really explains how/when they will go away.

Not sure if it helps or not, but you are not alone. I have struggled, and continue to struggle with this. It haunts my every waking moment and invades my dreams. I struggle mainly with the 'realness' of the relationship and if she really cares. It's been quite the rollercoaster ride. Some days feel better than others but right now I'm back in the throws of it and don't know what to do with it.

Read a lot of your blog today, Wheeler. Our similarities on "the obsessions/thoughts of therapy" are eerily similar. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for the feedback Virginia. I mostly write for me, sort of, in that it may not make sense to anyone but me, but it helps if I don't try to edit myself, atleast in my writing, cause I certainly edit myself in my sessions!

I enjoyed reading them too. I also edit myself in sessions and have admitted to it. Why do we?

I think I edit myself mostly out of shame. I am embarrassed by what I think and feel, especially as it relates to my T. Most times it feels like I go to therapy because of the stress/anxiety I have towards her, which doesn't make sense. I mean if I were 'normal' I'd simply stop going, but somehow it's just not that easy.
I wish I could just trust her but that thought is too overwhelming.

Sooooo ... here's my little story.

I've had a crush on my therapist for a while now but it's getting stronger and I may have to bring it up in session sooner or later. It was originally just a mild notice of her being pretty and kind- lucky me for finding a cute one, right? I had a mild crush. No big deal.

Then one day ran into her at a coffee shop. She was there with with her family— and no visible partner (I have no idea if she's married or not, I think not - but that's moot.) I saw her first, but was not going to bother her. I thought I might nod if we make eye contact - but I was with my S.O. and just kind minding my own. Then we crossed paths while I was waiting for our drinks and she said hello and asked how I was (her family was sitting away at their table.) I was sooooo thrilled My T bothered to say hello that I momentarily misread what she had said to me. She said I looked "good!" I said thanks and we made some awkward mindless chatter about nothing significant— like the new paint color on the walls of this place. Meanwhile, my mind ran away with "You look good" for several minutes before I later realized she wasn't talking about my style or my body—*but my health. You see, I was recovering from a serious illness at this time and I had been ill before my last session with her. She actually meant I looked well.

'Oh, Boy'. I thought later on. 'Where is my mind?'

I also couldn't help but obsess over the brief glimpse of her 'real life'; how old her kids were, what she was wearing, how cute her style was, and the awkward (on my part) interaction we had, and I really wanted to believe that she specifically came over to that side of the shop —just to check on me ... but no probably not. It was just coincidence.

A couple weeks later, I had The Dream:
In my dream was at my T's "other job" (which my mind made up) and I was doing some kind of household chore for her. She walked into the room, saw me, and walked back out - seemingly irritated. Then she came back and walked over to me, and asked politely, what I was doing there. I could tell she was like "WTF" so we went into the hallway to chat and, well, from there I'm too embarrassed to say what happened. I woke up quick.
When I woke up, I was thinking how funny it was that My T, who is always dressed nicely, was so dressed down for this dream job. I was thinking 'wow, she was so not that attractive for that kind of dream' ... but then I realized— she was wearing my Mother's style.

I had to laugh at my subconscious. How textbook is that for maternal erotic transference?

It's funny to me but I'm embarrassed to say that I'm now obsessed over what this is all about and having to fight off the daily fantasies with a stick. I waver between amusement and self-flagellation (metaphorically speaking) not because I think it's 'wrong' or even 'weird' (Well maybe a little but there are worse things in life) but because it feels disrespectful to her. I am highly aroused but thoughts I have. My real fear is that it might be intruding on my own progress. Instead of figuring myself out, I am obsessing over this image of "her" and who she might be.

The interesting thing about all this are the issues it's all bringing up. So this might not be such a bad thing.

I realize that I have some lingering internalize homophobia. Despite being happily out lesbian for many years there's still some part of me that assumes other people will shame me for it— and some people have. That's real life for gay people, though.

I'm also thinking of past experiences with crushes. I used to get crushes a lot in my younger years— esp. teacher crushes. I've been thinking alot about how I handled them and what affect they had on me. I used to love them- then I had a bad experience with one, and I think it shamed me quite a bit. I'm learning a lot on that angle.

Beyond all that might be some really deeply buried stuff about my Mom and that's what's really gonna be difficult to get at.

(deep breath....)

I don't know what it is, but sometimes I wish T was my mother and she plays that role I think and is aware of it.

Wow, I'm a bit embarrassed at how long my previous post was. Guess I had a lot to say on the matter.

Hmmm, is this what I had? (And maybe still have...a bit...)
I had a major crush on my t, fantasises and everything. She is older than me, maybe five or more years, and I find that I tend to go into child mode when I'm in therapy. I want her to look after me, and she said she feels pulled to do that too and has to watch that tendency!
I think I'm over, or getting over, the erotic bit...I hope. Is this what you guys have experienced? My t also suggested that I have an insecure attachment which I play out in therapy...that will be from my mum, thanks mum.
Ugh, man it's all so confusing!

T calls me her 'Therapy mom'. Not sure how I feel about that.

My T and I discussed it this week. I told her I think the erotic part is just about feeling connected because of when they happen. She agrees. But it's hard to keep your mind from wandering. I'm not sure I could ever admit that to her. I want to because I think part of it is fascinating what my mind is doing without me wanting it to but it's way too embarrassing.

I had a very irrational moment in session the other day when I heard my T's stomach growling. I immediately thought of my Mom — who's having problems gaining weight and her stomach gurgles constantly.

This was the second session T had missed breakfast and I could hear her tummy growling so loud it interrupted us. I laughed internally at my serious need to go out and get my T breakfast bar or something right then and there and yell, "DAMN IT! Eat woman! You're going to waste away!"

Nope- no transference issues there.

I am seriously considering take her a granola bar next time.

Just to let you all know, I told my T. everything yesterday in my session. I feel a huge relief and she acted beautifully - no judgment, understanding, caring, etc. So, I encourage you all to do the same. I don't think I have a need to edit my thoughts/feelings anymore. She knows everything so now there's nothing to hide. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done but I did it!

Congratulations Soccer mom! I'm thinking of talking to mine.
I'm not sure I'm there yet because there are some other issues I want to get past first but I appreciate your encouragement.

I'm coming a little late to this thread, but I did want to weigh in on the topic. I too believe that the feelings many of us have in therapy toward a therapist are entirely normal and valuable.

Someone else said that the feelings of erotic maternal transference are the feelings and emotions of a very young part of ourselves, and that is spot on in my mind. I do believe that when we experience those feelings in therapy they are morphed into "adult" sexual feelings because, after all, we are adults. A baby/young child doesn't experience those feelings the same way we do as adults. A baby loves when her mommy changes her diapers and cleans her up, giving her a bath. It is a warm bonding experience with many wonderful body sensations. These feelings and sensations are entirely different than the sexual feelings that adults experience in an erotic situation. Our therapists, hopefully, genuinely care about us and give us their undivided attention during session, a compassionate, empathetic ear, connection and safety. It isn't surprising that many of us find that kind of connection as maternal in nature. The younger part of us revels in the sensations and feelings such a connection evokes.

There is a great essay by Sandor Ferenzi titled: The Confusion of Tongues. He talks about the need of his clients (as children) to experience that caring, empathetic, safe emotions and touch from their parents/caregivers and later their therapists. The problem is, some people/parents/caregivers/therapists confuse the messages that the child is giving with their own adult sexual feelings and needs. It isn't sexual or erotic in the child's mind; it is only understood as sexual or erotic in the adult mind. I know I'm not explaining this very clearly but I find it fascinating, and it explains so much about how confusing and troubling transference can be for people in therapy. I don't think a lot of therapists even get it or are trained well in how to handle it. I think a lot of them get scared and try to ignore it, rather than normalize it and work effectively with it to help their clients move and grow emotionally.

Very good points Jaybird. I've had two T's tell me that so many people think they really are attracted to their therapists when actually it's the transference and these early feelings that are coming out in our adult ways. THat's exactly how I feel. It FEELS like I want her sexually but intellectually I don't. It is the strangest thing I have ever been through!

My T. has made it seem very understandable. She asked me what infants get from breast feeding and I said warmth, safety, trust, connection, nurturing, caring, etc. My mind wandering to this made sense - I didn't get this as a child and that's what my younger self is seeking. I know I wasn't breastfed and was made to cry it out at night.

I'll look for that essay. There isn't much out there on MET. I have been told that the way through it is talking about what we're experiencing if we can get to that point with our T's. So freaking difficult!