[WrkNPrgress]

After reading all the angsty threads about transference here I get a little bummed out. I thought it might be nice to talk about all the ways transference has helped some people.

I don't feel like my crush is a problem for me, at least not yet. I am able to talk about what I need in the moment, even if eye contact is a little hard and I tend to smirk and giggle sometimes.

From everything I've read in theory, transference an be a helpful tool to learn about oneself and patterns of attachment. Even though I haven't discussed it with my T yet, I've already learned tons by examining it and thinking about how it relates to my life. Issues of unfulfilled needs, patterns in unrequited crushes, maternal lack, etc. What makes me uncomfortable to talk about in session- and why —*is just as informative.

I realized I've had crushes on unavailable people throughout my life. Those were the happiest kind of crushes because there was no risk. I always saw them as 'emotional practice' in a way. Maybe this is the same thing? Whether or not I interpret it with my T, clearly there's some good to come out of this if I'm as honest as I can be with myself and handle it right.

[jelly-bean]

You have a pretty good attitude about your transference. Whether or not you discuss it with your T is up to you as long as you can stay true to the last line of your post.

[RedSun]

That's a great question.
I've learned loads! I've learned that I somehow involve sexual feelings when trying to attach to someone, that I think that sex is pretty much all I have of value to bring to a relationship, and that I need to be the favourite by any means. I've also recognised that there is some underlying fear of abandonment which makes me crank up the attachment/sexual stuff, and I think my T's steadiness and dependability are partly what got me out the other side of et. I do miss it a bit though....

[Petra5ed]

Falling for my therapist has not been all doom and gloom for me. It has been hard sometimes, and frustrating quite a lot, but I think I'm finally starting to come out the other side (even though I almost texted him a marriage proposal the other day .

When I came to therapy I wasn't in touch with my emotions and couldn't put into words what was so lacking in my life that I was ready to die. Now I can, and I know it's a deficiency of love and connectedness. I would have probably laughed off a suggestion that I was still looking for and so wounded by the love I never received in my childhood, but now I know I'm still desperately looking for someone to be that role for me. Knowing it and seeing it over and over in subtly different ways has helped lessen it. It's almost like I had this massive ice block of neediness in my chest and I'm slowly shaving away at it, so it's still there, just smaller than before.

I was really terrified something was wrong with me and that I was unlovable, that I didn't belong in this world and everyone might be better off with me dead. I was worried that I was becoming or already was my mother, and that I would be a mean parent and a crazy B---- that no one wanted to be around. I learned that I can love and have compassion for others and that when I do they love me in return. My therapist hasn't said it and he doesn't have to, but he loves me. So while it's frustrating that he won't cradle me and f--- me and carry on a conversation into the wee hours of night, at least I don't feel unlovable anymore. It's crazy too, because I've shown up and cried and been mute, and been incoherent, and sent crazy emails, and been desperate and needy, and frightened him probably with my erotic desires, but still after all of that, I feel like he loves me. Feeling his compassion for me gives me incentive to feel compassion for myself. I've started to forgive myself more and to see myself as only human, this has extended into forgiving him when he inadvertently touches my sensitive bits the wrong way, and this whole forgiving and seeing as human has deepened my ability to love and be loved in return.

My massive transference sent me to the internet and the book store searching for answers and clues about myself. It's like it intensified my therapy to 7 days a week. I've read a handful of self-help books, and countless articles, and a lot about transference, and it all validated for me who I am and why. Half measures aren't enough to change you on a deep level. I wanted to make massive changes and be something totally different than who I was and where I was heading. Now that I've spent so much time loving and thinking about loving my therapist I'm ready to love myself, and subsequently other people.

I think it was the best most painful thing that could have happened to me. I'm glad I kept seeing therapists until I found the one I fell in love with. Wouldn't change it, even though he won't break boundaries.

[unaluna]

Wow. Excellent question. I think my answer would fill a book though as i go thru the steps i took. Holy carp.

Originally Posted by Red75

I think that sex is pretty much all I have of value to bring to a relationship, and that I need to be the favourite by any means. I've also recognised that there is some underlying fear of abandonment which makes me crank up the attachment/sexual stuff

I relate soooo much to this. I have been thinking about why my mind goes to sex with T in spite of not having any physical attraction to him, and I think you have put it into words brilliantly here. Thanks for posting this.

[LindaLu]

Wow. I have lots to process still, but so far have learned

-my sexual feelings are tinged with anger (I desire and resent T)
-sex with T would be the ultimate transgressive, anti-authoritarian act
-that I need my T to admit attraction or at least my "attractiveness"
-my attraction started first session where she first drew several threads together about my core problems, e.g., abused child getting heard for the first time and thinking that equals love.

[WrkNPrgress]

I guess I'm thinking also of the idea that transference involves something you need, or lack from your early life and how that issue feeds relationships.

When I first started talking about my current relationship problems with my T, she asked me what my ideal relationship would look like, I had no idea. I had never thought about standards or ideals for myself. ever. My first LTR was pretty neglectful and the SO was an manipulative Narcissist. I had no self-esteem in that relationship.
My current relationship has other problems but they're getting better.

My T and hadn't returned to this 'ideal list' since, but we've talked a lot about what bothers me and what I don't want in my relationship. My partner and I have made great progress just in my own becoming more self-aware and setting boundaries and not allowing certain kinds of behavior.

Thinking of my crush on T, it's reasonable to feel affection for someone who listens and assures you. I figured out there was some lack in my own relationship on those levels and I've addressed it. I've also took a hard look at and tried to alter my own behavior towards this goal of better listening. This is just an example of something that would have never occurred to me - if I didn't realize how much I needed that kind of dynamic: A person who reacts to my insecurities and issues with kindness and how good that feels and how to practice it in return.

[lunatic soul]

I learned that transference etc makes us acting like teens. I think its so stupid and I was/am there too.

[Soccer mom]

I've learned that:
I had so many needs as a child that weren't met.
I suppressed feelings since I wasn't allowed to cry.
I can't tell my female friends my feelings first - they always have to start.
I felt abandoned by my mom, emotionally neglected, etc.
I feel my mom never knew how much she hurt me.
I can't cry in front of people I'm close to.
I worry that if I tell my feelings, I'll be told they're ridiculous and the person will leave.
I don't know how to label my feelings or express them. It's easier to suppress them.

I really had no idea about most of this until all my needs came rushing to the surface through the positive and negative transference. If you asked me a year ago how my childhood was, I would have said fine (minus the alcoholism). I had no idea how much my inner child wanted/needed. It has been the most difficult and bizzare experience I have ever been through. I have never felt so out of control.

[MoxieDoxie]

I learned that any man that is kind and nice to me I automatically want to to have sex with them.....does not matter what they look like physically. Just like one of the posters mentioned, the only value I felt I have is sex. I learned at a young age I could get my needs met, whether emotional or material, through men by providing sex. So the moment my T was kind, compasionate and paid me any attention I automatically wanted to have sex with him. That is why it is so important for him to keep his boundaries so I can accept his compasion and kindness without having to repay with sex. However, he is one of those therapist that started with good intentions, in regards to doling out a ton of outside attention to me daily to the point the lines of therapist and friend was blurred, and then pulled it out from under me. I am having a hard time dealing with that and feel I need therapy from my therapy.

[RedSun]

Woah, yes, all of that! Thanks, I hadn't made that connection before, that the sex thing is cranked up to repay for attention, cos its always been that way before...you provide sex, you get attention. Therefore, you get attention so you provide sex. A massive lightbulb moment for me, thanks moxie!

Unfortunately, those dynamics you mention, Moxie and Red, I think allowed me to be taken advantage of by men when I was in my young teens. These men were in their 20s, 30s, even 40s. I was 14-15 during most of those episodes.

I feel really sick about this; never looked at it this way. It made me easy prey.

[RedSun]

Yeah, me too. Same ages, too. Ugh.
But hey, I feel like we are doing some amazing group learning on this thread!

[StillIRise]

Yeah, me too. Not an easy one to acknowledge is it?

But can be kinda helpful to trace it back to its origin, I think.

[Burgundy]

I dig attractive, mature. empathic men. He's hot. He's interesting, among other things. Plain and simple.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Red75

That's a great question.
I've learned loads! I've learned that I somehow involve sexual feelings when trying to attach to someone, that I think that sex is pretty much all I have of value to bring to a relationship, and that I need to be the favourite by any means. I've also recognised that there is some underlying fear of abandonment which makes me crank up the attachment/sexual stuff, and I think my T's steadiness and dependability are partly what got me out the other side of et. I do miss it a bit though....

This was a realization I had the other day but in different words. I journaled something about how I had subconsciously expected that that's what my ex t wanted (sex). It's usually what a guy wants when he gives you attention right? So I came on to him. Offered him everything. If he had wanted me, I would have gladly obliged. I too feel that sex is pretty much all I have of value to bring to a relationship..and have sexual feelings when I attach to someone. I wonder where it stems from.

I don't know if I'm on the other side yet... Coming to terms with my ex t being gone, missing his stability, consistency, safety and security.. Earlier today I felt like I had made it to the other side... Like I could look back on this and see everything I had learned and just be ok with it. But now I am feeling like I'm not ready to let it all go yet.

Oh and abandonment fears... Yes. Well they came true. I pushed him away and he left. So it is no longer just a fear, it is a reality. And knowing that he left because of me, because of who I am, because of what I did and said does not help.... Because I had feelings for him and wanted to give him what most guys want. But he did not want that and rejected me.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

So the moment my T was kind, compasionate and paid me any attention I automatically wanted to have sex with him. That is why it is so important for him to keep his boundaries so I can accept his compasion and kindness without having to repay with sex. However, he is one of those therapist that started with good intentions, in regards to doling out a ton of outside attention to me daily to the point the lines of therapist and friend was blurred, and then pulled it out from under me. I am having a hard time dealing with that and feel I need therapy from my therapy.

I need therapy from my therapy. This is kind of funny, kind of sad, and very true for me. Although all my therapy is not focused wholly on my relationship with my previous t that fell apart the moment I fell for him and told him so. But a lot of my therapy is focused on that. And the only time I cry in therapy is when we talk about him.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

My massive transference sent me to the internet and the book store searching for answers and clues about myself. It's like it intensified my therapy to 7 days a week. I've read a handful of self-help books, and countless articles, and a lot about transference, and it all validated for me who I am and why. Half measures aren't enough to change you on a deep level. I wanted to make massive changes and be something totally different than who I was and where I was heading. Now that I've spent so much time loving and thinking about loving my therapist I'm ready to love myself, and subsequently other people.

Petra, you are one of the most eloquent and graceful writers. You should write a book! I really related to everything you wrote, but quoted this part because that is the original reason I got signed up on PC! I was searching things on the internet about falling in love with your therapist and found PC and the romantic feelings forum. So I finally got brave, signed up and posted about it. During this time I also learned about transference for the first time, and read everything I could get my hands on about it. I shared most of what I learned with my ex t, though he has long stopped replying to me. I had hoped he would be interested in what I found but he was not.

I would be interested to learn what you read and found out if you have time. Any good articles or books? I remember even reading this silly fiction novel, "Shrink Rap" (http://www.amazon.com/Shrink-Rap-Sun...ds=Shrink+Wrap). It was terrible (I normally read nonfiction) but I devoured it because it was about a psych professional and a patient. If I remember correctly, he drugs the patient and tries to take advantage of her. And I so fantasized about my ex t doing that to me. I wanted him to do that to me very much a lot.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I think it was the best most painful thing that could have happened to me.

Yes. Me too.

Thanks for sharing and for your post!

[angelicgoldfish05]

I'm reviving this thread. Has no one else learned anything from their transference? I saw ex-t today at his office. I was there filling out paperwork because I want to see him again and work through every thing and heal my past. It's totally selfish and I want this so badly. I was in the middle of filling out paperwork in the very corner of the waiting room and he comes out, walks toward me, says "hey sister" and my heart, face and spirit lit up. Then he sits down next to me, doesn't even acknowledge me, and talks to the girl next to me. He never even said hi... which is fine, I mean at least I got to see him and feel his presence. Afterwards I went for a hike, up up up in the mountains and the snow, and then to church. I was emotionally exhausted afterwards but now I am drinking to numb the pain. Of course I cried after he left the waiting room without even acknowledging me. It is so painful to be attached to someone who does not want you or want anything to do with you. Who is probably repulsed by you...
But I set up an appointment with him for April 28th. And I am on the waiting list if he has any cancellations.... it feels so far away but he is worth the wait... he is worth everything... and it's already been 2 and a half years since I've seen him... at least I saw him today!!! He makes me so happy!!! I am floating and going through so many emotions. It was soooo good to see him!!!!! I can't emphasize that enough. And he looks healthy and happy and I still love him so much.
I felt his energy when he sat next to me and it was powerful... I, on other hand was a nervous wreck! I held my breath... I panicked...
What did I learn about my transference? That I have reactive attachment disorder... that long to be close to someone but push them away.... and that I have a fragmented personality, possibly from past attachment traumas.

[WrkNPrgress]

Oh, Angelic! I'm sorry that happened to you. I can imagine how that would sting. I wouldn't infer anything about how he feels about you from that brief interaction. You are worthy. My T often pops her head out to notify or retrieve other clients family. She doesn't acknowledge me until it's time for my session. So I'm assuming, that's for our own privacy as well as the other clients who are waiting and has nothing to do with how they value us as individuals.

I've had asome revelations since I began this thread, I've written about it in another thread here.

Basically - it's finally dawning on me just how much essential emotional connection I was missing as the kid of a depressed Mom and a critical Grandmother. Both of them had their own ****. No matter how much they loved me- I suffered from the byproducts of that situation. I can get that now but it took some time to sink in and my transference was part of the key to that understanding.

In the meantime, I think I'm also just exercising a part of me that wants to feel vital, attractive, sexy, special and confidant - etc. I can do that in fantasy. I just target it on this person who's lending me her ear and understanding. It feels good for now. I'm okay with it.

I don't know if I have attachment problems yet, I haven't felt that threat. If she up and said tomorrow she was leaving her practice, or I couldn't see her anymore for some reason (short of Termination because of ME) ... well I'd probably be hurting but I think I could recover. I know this stuff I feel is mine and I can own that and take care of it in other ways. Another thing I've learned in all of this is that I do have a support system outside of therapy that I have learned a new respect for— so that helps.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Red75

that I need to be the favourite by any means.

Oh dear Lord that is me......crap......I guess I new that in the back of my mind but it makes me feel like such a brat.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

Oh, Angelic! I'm sorry that happened to you. I can imagine how that would sting. I wouldn't infer anything about how he feels about you from that brief interaction. You are worthy. My T often pops her head out to notify or retrieve other clients family. She doesn't acknowledge me until it's time for my session. So I'm assuming, that's for our own privacy as well as the other clients who are waiting and has nothing to do with how they value us as individuals.

Thanks worknprogress... I know it probably wasn't personal. Thanks for saying I am worthy.