Is my fault or my therapist is being an asshole?

I have BPD for iniciating so i don't know if it's just one of my crisis

I will tell in details for everyone here: I called him 23:00 in the night because i accidentally fell asleep in my bed and i just wake up in this time, so i called him on the phone and he was in his words ''getting back to his home'' and i sent an messenger for his phone and for his secretary in the morning asking him to call me when he got back at his office and he didn't called me (he was working in 2 offices today so okay)

but i called him to ask about an agreement HE MADE HIMSELF FOR ME IN THE ****ING FIRST PLACE TO TALKING ABOUT in our last session saying: ''Hey i want to you now here every week and DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MONEY, PAY WHAT YOU CAN'' so i was ****ing happy and he made me trust him more BUUUUUT NOW IS IN ON OTHER PATH

so i ask him: ''hey i don't know how much do i need to pay you tomorrow because you said i could prefer not to pay you R$300,00 because of my financial problems and i talked to my mom and he made an agreement for you: pay R$50,00 every week because so on will be R$200,00 in a month, it's okay for you?''

But he was looking on the phone he doesn't like so much that idea and he said to me that was less than the usual i pay for him so i got confused but i was a bit asleep and he probably was ****ing tired do i didn't understood so much but this broke all my trust to him: he said one thing and now he is choosing the other path? it seems depending he is betraying my trust and just thinking about the money or i'm just having a borderline crisis and i don't know if he does that to many patients saying another thing: he is since the final of the year changing the days and time of the start of the session like he did that to me i think 3 or 4 times since the final of last year and i feel really sad and i don't trust him so much because of that (i'm with him since 2012 and i love him, i have transference and he was the first good doctor i went since 12 years old, i have 18 now)

i'm really broken right now and i self harmed because of him again

but... at the same time... i still love him so much... and i discovered something right after crying, a really long crying: the way he looks at me is the same look the boy that i loved the most in my entire life (and i still love this boy deep down in my soul, but tecnically the child-boy version, because he was my crush in my childhood and i loved him. and i still love him, i guess) but i love my T... but i'm so broken! he is lying at me??? please, help me! is he abusing his power at me? or it's just my paranoia? my transference is so good for him but at the same time hurts me but... i hate so much therapists and my transference for him helped me so much at my treatment because i loved the place where is his office and him... the person he is...

Trying to sort out finances at 11pm at night with your therapist is not a good idea. Call him in office hours and get it straight and put in writing what the financial arrangement actually is.

Agreed with Pegasus: Talk to him in person and get any sort of financial agreement in writing. He may have just forgotten what he told you before about the money, or you could have misunderstood. So just clear it up when you see him. Good luck.

I see, i agree with you too, it was not a good ideia. So he is not being a asshole and is not trying to abuse his power over me because of my financial problems and just thinking about the money?

I can't tell if he is abusing you, he has a business to run and he needs to be clear with you exactly what the financial terms are. Get it in writing ok.

I can't say from your description if he is abusing you, but he doesn't make a financial arrangement clear, which is unethical. Actions that could be qualified as unethical are not necessarily abusive. In your case, you need to get a financial agreement with him in writing if he doesn't keep his promises. Generally speaking, if he can change his mind like that, I would look for some other therapist.

So did your mom talk to your T about payments for $50? I doubt he is abusing his power over you. You need to talk to him about the price during normal business hours. Maybe he was a little annoyed because you called him so late for a non-emergency.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Is it typical that you'd call him at such a late hour? Ideally he should have told you he'd talk tomorrow during office hours. Any financial arrangements should be in writing as well as any changes to your arrangements. I would not pay him until this is clarified.

Thank you all
I don't know but it's normal a therapist changing like some days in some months your session? example: ''hello i just wanted to say that i can't attend you this day because i need to get off early'' ''i can't because my agenda is full so come another day and this day is...'' since i remembered he did that like 4 times in this year with me and i'm having paranoia if he is doing that because i'm annoying him or because i pay him less than his usual or because my borderline symptoms are getting worse.

I am not sure. It may depend on the country where you are. I would ask him directly and mention the concerns you wrote about.

Hmm i'm from Brazil

No, it's not normal in general, and, especially in your case, when you are suffering from bpd symptoms and would benefit from stability and consistency. It's crucial for T to be consistent and reasonably reliable, again, especially with clients with the history of trauma who suffer from instability. I'd suggest that this rule applies regardless of the culture, because human nature and traumatic symptoms are the same everywhere. If someone suffers from bpd-like symptoms, they are looking for a stable secure relationship with the health care provider regardless of where they live.