Male Client/Female T and unrequited love

Ah, ok, that's a problem. I mean, her saying she shares more with you than with other clients. Yep. Instant red flag.

Yes, I see that. I just don't get why she couldn't deal with the results then?! That's a rhetorical question there btw.

Bud, maybe you answered this but are you currently seeking another therapist to work with? Have you considered seeing a Male therapist? I wonder if you would feel less inhibited to talk about this issue with a man?
(I only ask because I know there are some issues, romance, sex, etc. I certainly feel more at ease discussing with my own gender.)

Yes, though she did not admit this till after termination, and only because I contacted her multiple times looking for better resolution. She was prepared to let me walk away with almost all the responsibility.

Complicated. Basically I believe she wanted to protect herself and me, but in the process she made it worse for herself, and pretty much ruined me.

Thanks for asking. I tried out 9 or 10 different Ts since (from 1x to 4x) and consulted with two therapists on the phone who specialize ruptures and impasses. About half were male. In some ways yes more comfortable with male. Though I find male Ts have more walls up emotionally.

I don't want to sound overly negative, but most of them had nothing helpful to say, a few said things that were damaging. A few were able to validate without judgement but did not offer many or any compelling insights. There are 1 or 2 that I would consider trying more, but honestly I am not clear anymore how a T would help. I ask them but I never get an answer I can understand.

The majority of insight and clarity has come from books, blogs, forums, and self-analysis.

If I could find someone insightful and that I enjoyed talking to, and who wasn't charging outrageous fees, I would go. But the needle in a haystack search has worn me down. For now I have given up. I plan to contact ex T again. I think by stopping she short circuited expression of grief and rage. I do not trust her, but if she could just bear witness to the grief/rage for a handful of sessions it might be healing, for both of us, if we both had the courage. Or it could be destructive. Dunno.

Good luck with that

Btw the betterhelp site that was mentioned in my thread about alternative options for therapy seems cool so far and it's cheap for sure.

I didn't have to try this yet but you can also ask for another counselor pretty fast if you don't get to work well with the first one they pick for you based on your preferences.

Obviously I don't know if this is a solution for you but worth a look.

I've been shipped around a number of Psych's and never found a T that I actually listened to until the one I'm seeing now. I was forced to see him because I got into trouble with a diazepam script and my DR didn't want to be involved (prescribing Diazepam is almost non-existant in Australia). Anyway, I went to see him because I had to, essentially, but as time went on, he really got to the core of many things about me I had never realised. Especially about early child abuse; and how it was causing me to self-medicate in my later years. He is very special to me because he knows me better than anyone, and I do believe he really cares (in a 'doctor' sense). I have thought many times that I'm in love with him - or that I need to find another T because I feel so close - but then I also keep a lid on it; and am realistic. It would never work in the real world. I can't give up the only T who truly is trying to help me? It's natural to love someone who is making that kind of effort surely? That's why it is so common. Never mentioned a word of this to him though

PS - only just twigged that this was a M to F Therapist chat, so sorry for that. However gather the condundrum is similar!

LB

Thanks I looked at the site. Never heard of it. I guess it's all online via messaging. I am already disconnected and isolated so probably not ideal.

Don't you feel that not revealing your feelings has the potential to undermine the whole thing? I my case I did reveal my feelings, and the whole thing turned into a nightmare, but I could not have kept such a thing hidden.

It does seem common for this to happen in therapy. But I wonder whether common necessarily translates to healthy or productive. How many people are walking away with significant heartbreak or grief? Putting vulnerable people in a position where painful unrequited love and longing are likely to be induced… not trivial.

But sounds like he is helping you, so hope it works out well.

Well they have a phone call option too but that doesn't seem cheap. I don't know what options are there that are IRL *and* cheap, except for the ideas others suggested in my thread about alternatives.

I think it's unhealthy because usually it comes up as a result of incosistent treatment by T. It is a 2 person emotional dialogue but T's typically do not want to meet their vulnerable client with vulnerability as well. Mutual vulnerability is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. Usually this is more about protecting their own emotions than helping the client, so the client ends up meeting the T's emotional needs, and paying to do so.

I feel like therapists do not realize just how many mixed messages they are typically sending to people. On one hand, saying this is a relationship, on the other hand, saying it's not a normal relationship. On one hand, encouraging vulnerability and dependency and regression, on the other, reserving the right to establish any boundary any time, to neglect any or all of the client's emotional needs, also reserving the right to stop treating at any time. These are T's that want to be heroes and saviors but get bored when being savior turns to being a caregiver. They want a baby but they don't want to hear it crying at night. It's all feeding their own narcissism, nothing more. If it sounds too good to be true, it is, and I think psychodynamic therapy as a whole is sort of confused right now about what services it's even meant to be offering. It's kind of gross. I think you have to clearly define what you expect from therapy, and demand that. Of course the problem is that they are deliberately working with a vulnerable population. Eugh, what can you do? Seems like a big mess.

So very true. My T did become vulnerable, but then I think she was terrified of this "failure" and by the realization that she was using me for her own needs. Eventually she just wanted me the hell out of there, so she could bury the experience.

Again, I think you are spot on. Seems the therapy biz has created such a convoluted set of guidelines and principles and instructions around T behavior and self-disclosure that all the normalcy of human relations has been squeezed out in the name of ethics or theory or whatever. It is a highly tweaked and bizarre relationship that seems always teetering on the edge of collapse, or veering into an abusive or exploitive situation.

Or when the savior self image is shattered by the realization that the client is being harmed, as with mine. Once T becomes wounded in this way, especially if they do have narcissistic tendencies and if their self state is threatened, watch out.