stopping therapy

I have been pondering stopping therapy with my T. I think I am very close to making a decision to do this. It has become very very painful to see him and it will always be painful when I am on my own and enmeshed with thoughts about him. I plan on telling him this and perhaps asking if he has suggestions for a therapist who might be a good fit for me. I think he has been helpful to me with some life decisions and also with untangling my feelings about my past. But I think the dynamic of my ET and his desire for me which he casts aside as if its easy for him.... all this has become too much to bear.

Maybe it is best to start fresh with a new T, and perhaps with a new T you could discuss the transference issues more easily. I'm sorry it's been so hard with the transference. I am struggling with it myself at the moment.

I'd definitely discuss it with him, just to get his thoughts/opinion. But if it feels like the right thing for you, it probably is. Maybe see if he's willing to leave his door open to you, rather than a strict termination, in case future therapists don't work out? Good luck!

Also, consider that he's trained to put aside his feelings to work with you, while you're not. Plus, he may make it seem easy, but he could be struggling inside, too, and just not showing it on the outside.

Is he familiar with your transference issues? If not, I would definitely talk to him about it. He can help you through it and rationalize it.

If this is something he has been trying to help you through for a long time, then I could see quitting and discussing your transference with a new T.

But give this one a chance (if you haven't already).

I have been able to discuss my transference since day 1, its been around a year now. A month or two ago T disclosed his attraction/countertransference when I asked. It is painful for me that after this disclosure, he does not talk anymore about his feelings. I understand this is how therapy works. But I would rather not see him at all, or be able to talk with him like a person, with the interaction going both ways than be his patient anymore. I am not sure seeing him is totally therapeutic.

Thanks, yes, this is true. Its hard that I will never know what it is like for him. I suspect though that it is easier for him, as he seems a very pragmatic, down-to-earth, matter-of-fact type. I can't imagine him pining away for something that is impossible.

Wow, I am surprised he admitted to you that he is experiencing countertransference.

I just meant that it might be helpful to discuss with another T the transference issues you are experiencing with your current T. I'm pretty new to all this transference stuff. I've been so guarded with other Ts that I've never let this happen, but with my current T it just happened so unexpectedly when I was so vulnerable and it just swept me off my feet. My problem is that I have to start seeing her less often now, and will be phasing out therapy by December because I can't afford it past then.

I am so sorry that it has been so painful for you, and I can definitely see how it could get in the way of therapy.

That must be very hard, I'm sorry.

This is exactly why I decided to stop seeing T1. I still adore him, but seeing him every week in this guarded, limited relationship was so painful and not therapeutic.
I have made much better progress with my new T, to whom I am not attracted. I feel like I'm finally working on the issues I came to therapy for.
It sucks, and really hurts, but it may be the least painful option in the long term

Maybe it would be better to stop seeing him and go to another T. If you won't see him anymore, maybe it will help you to get over him. And a new T can help you with that.
Do make sure you end your therapy with T good. Think about how you want to end it and if there's anything you want to say to him, so you won't think later 'I should have said this, I wish I said that to him'. Like get good closure, if that's possible.
And maybe ask if he knows several good T's, so you have some choice if the first one doesn't feel good to you.

Thanks Chummy. Yeah, those are really good points, to ask for several recommendations for Ts and to think what to say. I hadn't thought of those. I feel so sad. I feel like maybe quitting is the only way that I can somehow affect his feelings or make him really understand how much this hurts. I know its wrong of me to think that way, but that's how I feel about it.

I feel like a child. Like if he says - he cannot be a friend or anything more, only my therapist, then I won't give him the satisfaction of being even that.

Best wishes. I know how painful that must be. If you do end it then I agree about making sure to end it well. It's like down the road a lot of what you think of is that last session. I really tried my hardest to make the last session special and I think it was, and I'm glad I did, I wouldn't be able to take it if I had ended on a spiteful note.

What did you do to make your last session special?

I spoke to my T last time about ending. We talked about my feeling for a bit and he said he understood how things might be very painful for me and make me want to end. As I was talking I started to feel I couldn't do it. It was just too sad to think spending so much time talking to him and finally feeling like their is some trust and closeness (therapist-patient kind) and to let it all go. I told him so. I asked him what it was to him if I were to leave. He gave me some very cut and dried answer.....like it would be a loss for the work we did together, but he understands that I might feel that I am not able to work on the issues I came to therapy for. I wish he would say that he would miss me as a person, but I don't suppose he can say that even if he feels it.

Now I vary between feeling that I should leave and some days when I feel why don't I just put my feelings for him aside and keep seeing him. I don't know. I am just sad and conflicted. I have been on a break from my partner of seven years for almost a month now with no contact which has been hard. We make a decision in a few weeks. To stop seeing T means I lose most of the support I have in my life which feels very hard. The only other two people I confide in live half-way around the world, and its difficult to talk with them regularly.

I'd wait to make the decision about terminating until at least after you and your partner have decided what to do. That way you won't be in such turmoil and can make a more balanced decision.

How are you feeling about things with your partner since the break? Do you think the break has helped at all?

Thanks a lot for writing LT (tearing up a bit). Yes, maybe I will wait. There is no point putting this additional pressure on myself.

My partner... when things are going well, I feel a sense of relief and freedom from feeling criticized (we had the same dynamic as you and your H in that he is super organized and gets annoyed when I am messy, have too much stuff, or don't keep the house neat, I think I remember you saying this). I feel a sense of possibility that I might meet new people with whom the dynamic will feel more relaxed and less critical. I feel relief at being able to take care of myself and not having to think constantly of his needs.

At the same time, I have a sense that a piece of me is missing. I do love him.

When things are bad, I miss having his caring and support. I was quite sick the last couple of days and its the first time being on my own and sick for a long time. It was interesting. Same with dealing with my car accident. I also miss the safeness and familiarity of the relationship. But then I remind myself of the reasons that I felt a mild but almost constant oppression together. I realize that the feeling of being oppressed may have been partly my own issue with how I interpret his behavior. But there are definitely things about him that I have realized are very hard for me to accept.

I think overall the break has been good. if nothing else it has given me more confidence in being able to live life by myself. Brave words, since its only been 3-4 weeks.

How are you doing? Have you made a disicion about this?

So much happened since I wrote last. I had thought that I would keep seeing T until I made a decision about my bf. It was difficult at times, but I talked with him about it and I continued. I broke up with my bf (found an apartment on the opposite side of town and moved in a week!). I felt so strong and happy after that, I am glad I made the decision. I still felt in love with T. I started to look at meeting people online and I met someone who I like. Before, I had always been with people from work, academics and this was a totally different type of person. Also, I would never go after really handsome men because I thought they would reject me, but this time I made an effort to meet people who I was very attracted to. It was a good thing since I am very attracted to the person I am seeing (and he to me, I think ). I do compare T with him, but I feel much less obsessed about T now. When I am in the room with him, I feel attracted, but I have lost the feeling of obsession, at least for the time being. I don't think about him too much outside of therapy, maybe only at the times when I feel a bit annoyed at the person I am seeing now. Something to talk about in therapy I guess.

I hope all is going well for you in spite of the attraction to your pdoc that cannot be fulfilled. I guess I want to tell you that there is hope that it could become less of a torment in the future.

I am in the same boat. I felt so attracted to my therapist that I was embarrassed of my situation and hid my constant inappropriate thoughts about her.
It's been nearly 4 weeks since I stopped therapy and the obsessive thoughts are slowly becoming less frequent. Opening up to someone of the opposite sex, for the first time in seemingly forever- can bring up some rather intense feelings.

Cheers to the both of us for moving on!

That's good to hear! It's nice that you're meeting new people and that you've found a person you're attracted to. It must feel good that you're not that obsessed with your T anymore?

I'm still doing the same. Not much progress Everything with pdoc is still the same. I wish my feelings for him would become less. Having feelings for him and knowing there won't ever be anything between him and me, it makes me sad and I think it also contributes to my depression. I think being attracted to another man would could help lessen my feelings for pdoc (maybe, not sure), but I'm not ready to meet new people.

It feels good not to be so obsessed. But at the same time I miss it. I think that makes me realize that at least in part the obsession is a kind of wish for something ideal. I think I feel it less now because I have just started this new relationship and we are still both very nice to each other.

Yes, I can imagine the feelings for your pdoc contribute to your depression. It sucks to know you can't have something you want so much and to have to confront it time and again. I still feel a little bit hurt inside that I cannot have T, and that he doesn't break the rules. I hope you continue to make progress with your T though on all these things and it may help to talk about it more with her - the feelings for pdoc, how it makes you sadder and that you feel you cannot meet new people. Its a very isolating thing. I think part of the reason I felt so in love with my T was because I did not have enough people around me who cared about me.