[Chummy]

I've been having strong romantic feelings for my pdoc for quite some time. Since Februar. I don't see him a lot. I see him only for medication. I still haven't found a right med for me. We had sort of agreed that I would keep seeing him until I've found a right med for me.
A few months ago I've told him about my feelings. Since then I've seen him only once. I'll see him again in two weeks.
I'm not sure if I should keep him as a pdoc. I've had this thought for many months. I keep doubting. I've talked to my T about quiting, but that was months ago. And the wanting to quit was because I had this huge anxiety for seeing pdoc. My T said that quiting would be avoidance behaviour, I avoid lots of things. But now the quiting wouldn't be because of anxiety to see him.

I think about pdoc ALL THE TIME. Every day. I fantasize about him so much. I know there won't ever happen anything. Thinking about him feels good, it's a distracting from my useless life, from my depressing thoughts. But this thinking about him is also exhausting me. Hurting me. And probably also contributing to my depressing feelings. Unrequited love hurts too. My feelings for him haven't changed since Februar. They are so strong. In these months they haven't gotten less, not even for a day, an hour, a minute. There hasn't been a moment that I thought I might be getting over him. I haven't felt anything, not even some attraction, for another man since I've met pdoc.
I don't want these feelings for him. But I can't just stop these feelings for him.
Maybe if he isn't my pdoc anymore and thus I won't see him anymore, then maybe I would get over him. Maybe then my feelings will get less. I'm not sure about that. But I do know that as long as I know I'll see him again, these feelings will stay.
But to stop seeing him, to never see him again...it scares me so much. I know I'll have to stop seein him eventually. But I think, I know, it would give me so much pain. I know I often have trouble with leaving things. Even with things/people/situations that aren't good for me and that I don't like.
I'm scared to talk to someone, my T, about this. I mean, he's only my pdoc. I've only seen him about 10 times so far. And the appointments are very short. I'm afraid T won't understand my feelings. Afraid she'll think I'm over-reacting. That this is just a stupid crush.

I know I need to talk to her about this. Our next session is the day after I see pdoc. I did told her in todays session that I'm seeing pdoc the day before I see her. She asked about my feelings for him. I told her that it's still the same. She said something like that I'm very persistent. That I don't see him that often and my feeling for him aren't getting less. I said that I didn't like having these feelings for me. She said that it's healthy to have romantic feelings, but she understands that having feelings for my pdoc can be difficult for me.

I don't what to do. Nobody can make a decision for me. It would be so hard to leave my pdoc, but eventually I'll have to say goodbye to him.

This has gotten long. Thanks to those who've read it.

[nicoleflynn]

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply......are. Therapy brings up powerful feelings. Talking about your feelings to him would be a good idea, since they are causing you such pain. I am still in love with my t after 10 years.

[WibblyWobbly]

Definitely stress in therapy that these feelings are consuming you—then get her opinion on whether you should continue. If she tells you to keep seeing him so you don't practice avoidance then she needs to also give you the tools to cope with what you are feeling. If this is something you're dealing with every day then it needs to be one of the main focuses of your therapy.