[objectclient]

Hi. I'm really confused about the feelings I had with my previous therapist. Right now there is no attachment or anything to my new t at all but with my old t I became attached pretty quickly. I'll admit that I loved her and I even told her on one occasion, but not in a romantic way. However, now I'm confused. I haven't had much experience of love. I guess I love my family but it's sort of from a child's point of view, a love that was there in the past but sadly isn't there now. I have loved friends of both genders before but became confused on boundaries and how much you can love a friend before it becomes something more. So with my lack of experience of love, I'm struggling to know in what capacity I loved my therapist. I looked forward to my therapy sessions and being close to her, I loved having her undivided attention for an hour,I was jealous of her other clients/friends/family/husband, I worried about her when she was sick, I fantasized about spending time with her outside of therapy like going on vacation or eating a meal, I found her attractive (personality and appearance), I fantasized about physical non-sexual affection with her and yes, I did go there in my mind with the erotic fantasies but to my surprise I found the idea of getting intimate in that way with t didn't appeal at all despite all of the above. Is it possible to confuse love and emotional intimacy with sexual desire? Meaning you think you want sexual relations when you actually don't?

[objectclient]

Anyone????

Another thing, I loved listening to the sound of her voice. How weird is that.

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by objectclient

Anyone????

Another thing, I loved listening to the sound of her voice. How weird is that.

Not weird;; my t has a distinctive, gorgeous voice; I used to love getting his voicemail and just listening to him.

You are the only one who knows how you feel ..there are many kinds of love. It is normal to have loving feelings for someone who pays attention to you. You may simply love her. Feelings aren't right or wrong they simply are......love, emotional intimacy and sexual desire....all different feelings.

[atisketatasket]

I would think erotic transference would involve more sexual feelings than you report, but I'm really not an expert on it.

In one professionals opinoin it says for it to be erotic transerence there must be arousal in session to the point of erection or lubrication. This seems fair enough.
https://drgeraldstein.wordpress.com/...rapists-touch/

Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist: Hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing: Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference: Falling "In Love" With Your Psychotherapist

Originally Posted by BunYip

In one professionals opinoin it says for it to be erotic transerence there must be arousal in session to the point of erection or lubrication. This seems fair enough.
https://drgeraldstein.wordpress.com/...rapists-touch/

Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist: Hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing: Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference: Falling "In Love" With Your Psychotherapist

I forgot there is erotic vs eroticised tranference

[RedSun]

Maybe it's more of a maternal transference, or an idealising or idolising projection?
I had erotic transference for my T, I did feel most of the things mentioned in the OP, but also very sexual fantasies

[nicoleflynn]

You can have erotic feelings without being lubricated or having an erection.

[Soccer mom]

I don't think you have ET. I've had it. It sounds more like maternal transference where you would just love for them to be a parent to you. It does all get confusing especially if you've never experienced those feelings before.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

You can have erotic feelings without being lubricated or having an erection.

I am not arguing with you.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I don't think you have ET. I've had it. It sounds more like maternal transference where you would just love for them to be a parent to you. It does all get confusing especially if you've never experienced those feelings before.

I agree that it definitely can be confusing. I've had both ET and paternal transference for my marriage counselor. He explained that it's not that unusual and that the feelings of love for a romantic partner and a child aren't *that* different from each other--or why would we use the same word for both of them? Granted, loving someone and having sexual feelings for them is a bit different. But I think for me, feelings of closeness to someone who is an adult male leads my brain to automatically go to some sexual thoughts. Because, I mean, what exactly are "paternal" fantasies? In both, I think about being held by MC. In both, it's more about the comfort and connection. Like the ET part has been about connection, not like, "Oh, he's hot, I want his body!" Like wanting to be connected to him physically (whether from being held or something more) in the same way I feel connected to him emotionally.

Not sure if that helps at all, just sharing my experience...

[Soccer mom]

[QUOTE=LonesomeTonight;5089088 In both, it's more about the comfort and connection. Like the ET part has been about connection, not like, "Oh, he's hot, I want his body!" Like wanting to be connected to him physically (whether from being held or something more) in the same way I feel connected to him emotionally. [/QUOTE]

I completely agree. I never looked at my therapist and thought she was hot. It is all about connection. My T. thinks (and my brother confirmed) that I missed out on connection with my mom as a baby. So, when T. is giving me something you would receive as an infant (attunement, eye contact, connection, attention), I am feeling what an infant would feel. so I try to view it that way instead of getting wrapped up in how it does feel like it's sexual. It's not - that's just the way it comes up.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by objectclient

Is it possible to confuse love and emotional intimacy with sexual desire? Meaning you think you want sexual relations when you actually don't?

I found that my ex T was approximating many roles -- friend, parent/caregiver, romantic partner, healer. So it was confusing as hell, with different longings and attachments all mixed together.

I would suggest that what clients sometimes feel is their own neurosis causing inner conflict and confusion is in fact at least partly a direct reflection of the inherent confusion and chaos of therapy. In other words, the client says "oh my god, I must really be crazy or disturbed, with all these wild feelings and impulses" when maybe they should be saying "oh my god, therapy is making me crazy".

For me the overriding concern is not figuring out which of the specious transference sub-types applies, but rather where the hell is this going and what is the end game.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by BudFox

For me the overriding concern is not figuring out which of the specious transference sub-types applies, but rather where the hell is this going and what is the end game.

Well said.

[RedSun]

Where it went, and the end game, for me, was that I moved through my ET, and learnt so much about myself in this process.

I had intense ET for around a year, and then it slowly passed as I worked on other, but parallel, issues in therapy. So, it has been really helpful for me. However, I'm aware that it was familiar pattern for me, to develop an intense crush on people with knowledge usually, eg tutors, lecturers (intelligence is obviously my turn-on ) and feel I wanted a sexual relationship with them. So it's been helpful for me to understand where these lifelong patterns have emerged from.