[JCLNick]

My former therapist died in 8-2008. We had a difficult relationship toward the end of therapy in 2006 that was largely my fault as I hadn't been completely truthful about some things and she called me on them and wanted "proof" of some of these. That's when things became very weird in 2006. A phone call she made to me with her raised voice and anger directed at me for 15 minutes! I never have figured out where that came from.
There was definite transference on my part going on before the difficulty and I didn't realize what it was until after she died. We were not in regular contact at the time of her death, but I did communicate with her that I knew she was ill and expressed my sadness at this. She seemed to accept that phone call alright and there was not any upset or anger. It was the last time I talked with her.

Is it common for therapists to give hugs after a therapy session? I don't mean a slap on the back sort of hug. I mean a hug lasting 15-20 seconds and pretty enveloping, but it never felt sexual from her. I think this is how this started for me and the feeling she may be in a new, same sex relationship with her lesbian best friend after having been divorced twice. (I'm a lesbian) She never did confirm this, but dropped hints fairly often, while maintaining I be my "true and authentic self." No doubt feelings for her were insanely sexual, but I would never have brought that up out of the fear of rejection. In hindsight, she had to know what I felt. It was not discussed.

All these years later, it bothers me that things were unresolved. She was a caring and nurturing sort of person, but I think she may have dropped the ball so to speak. I found out from a friend that there were two different obituaries for her - one acknowledging her longtime same-sex partner for those in CA where she lived and another with no mention of her partner for the State she was from. Due to this being pointed out, I read them both and I found it hypocritical at the time, given she was all about "truth and authenticity." I guess even at the age of 68, she just couldn't be public as she encouraged others to do. She was indeed, human.

Is there a possibility of counter-transference having gone on? Between the hugs and the weirdness in 2006, I do wonder.

[AllHeart]

It is possible there was ct, but, hard to really say for sure with just this info. If you felt it, I'm sure then it was there. Regardless, it sounds like your former t genuinely cared very much for you.

As for the omission of her partner in the one obituary -- it is possible that your former t had nothing to do with this. Since your former t was all about truth and authenticity, perhaps it was the living family members and/or partner that made the decision with that.

Sorry you still struggle with these thoughts and feelings. I hope you can find closure and peace soon.

Obituaries are obviously written with information provided from the families, so you can't really fault your T for her obituary. Hopefully you can grieve and find closure over time. It does take time to mourn a death.

[musinglizzy]

good point about obituaries being written by family. I'm quite sure she had nothing to do with this. Her family "back home" probably didn't approve of her lifestyle, so did not include her partner. It happens all the time! When my aunt died several years ago, she was engaged to her longtime boyfriend. Her parents never approved of this man, never liked him, so when her obituary came out, he was referred to as a "special friend," not her "fiance." That bothered me, and I know it greatly bothered him too. My aunt would have thrown a fit had she known. So please don't judge this person based on her obituaries.

This sounds like a very painful unresolved situation
There could have been transference and counter-transference happening, I believe it happens in every relationship, therapeutic or otherwise.
I agree with others about the obituary, mostly people do not write their own and have no choice around what goes into it unless they are either very controlling or very organised. So please dont judge your t by her obituary, I know you can see some discrepancies in how she behaved and how she lived but these are not truth, they are how you are perceiving them.
It sounds like a new level of grief is surfacing for you and perhaps its easier to see faults in your t then to really miss her and recognise that she played an important part in your life when she was in it.
perhaps your t did have feelings for you and perhaps a hug was just a hug, it sounds like you had some strong sexual feelings for her and this is understandable given the intimacy of therapy.
I am wondering do you have a t currently to work through these feelings with?
Sorry for your loss, it sounds very painful.

[JCLNick]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

This sounds like a very painful unresolved situation
There could have been transference and counter-transference happening, I believe it happens in every relationship, therapeutic or otherwise.
I agree with others about the obituary, mostly people do not write their own and have no choice around what goes into it unless they are either very controlling or very organised. So please dont judge your t by her obituary, I know you can see some discrepancies in how she behaved and how she lived but these are not truth, they are how you are perceiving them.
It sounds like a new level of grief is surfacing for you and perhaps its easier to see faults in your t then to really miss her and recognise that she played an important part in your life when she was in it.
perhaps your t did have feelings for you and perhaps a hug was just a hug, it sounds like you had some strong sexual feelings for her and this is understandable given the intimacy of therapy.
I am wondering do you have a t currently to work through these feelings with?
Sorry for your loss, it sounds very painful.

There is more to this than meets the eye. All of this only came up recently. “Karen”, the daughter of my therapist and friend of mine, contacted me since she is having quite a hard time with grief and remembered the abyss I felt I was once in for the same reason. I listened as friends do. Later in the conversation, I finally "came out" and told her that I'd seen her Mom professionally, but that was all. She had no reaction other than to say she understood why I wasn’t public with either one of them about it. Karen shared that initially, it was very weird to have her Mother “come out” in her early 50s after two divorces, but that she’d known her Mother’s partner for years and it all worked out without any complications and she maintains a warm relationship with her Mother’s partner to this day.
The conversation with Karen brought reflection, good memories and some pain associated with that horrid 2006 phone call. Even my own Mom had never yelled at me the way my former therapist had. That’s the only piece I’m stuck with. I do not see any therapeutic value in calling a client and berating them very loudly for 10-15 minutes and why I think there was more to it. Now at 55 years of age, it baffles me. I am grateful I that I did get to say goodbye in 2008 as I knew she was dying through another friend who had once seen her professionally. As to the obituary, I remember that the only difference was her partner not being acknowledged in one of them. The wording is like listening to my former therapist. I have no doubt she wrote both of them herself. My Mom did the same thing and all we did was fill in the final date. I remember mentioning that in therapy once and my therapist’s reaction was “Wow! Good for her that she had the strength to do that and to acknowledge special people and her pets.” I’ve never subscribed to a double standard, but it is what it is. We were simply too enmeshed, which is why it has bugged me.

I have no trouble admitting (now) that I was very attracted to her sexually and one night that could have happened. She asked me to install a computer program on her home computer. She made me dinner... it got very close in the kitchen locked in a very long embrace. We nearly kissed, but we both seemed to think better of it and it was all unsaid. It wasn’t something either of us pursued, “it just happened” applies here. I didn't see her for a couple of weeks after that. Then, we just went on. Yes, it was highly out of line for her for several reasons and for me as well. I was terrified of addressing it or terminating therapy. Nothing in this paragraph should ever have happened.
At the end of the day, I miss her and am grateful for the assistance I did receive. We had an unpleasant detour, but I was able to say goodbye and she was able to accept that.
I guess it’s time to address it in current therapy… ugh.

[dtrain0802]

Originally Posted by JCLNick

My former therapist died in 8-2008. We had a difficult relationship toward the end of therapy in 2006 that was largely my fault as I hadn't been completely truthful about some things and she called me on them and wanted "proof" of some of these. That's when things became very weird in 2006. A phone call she made to me with her raised voice and anger directed at me for 15 minutes! I never have figured out where that came from.
There was definite transference on my part going on before the difficulty and I didn't realize what it was until after she died. We were not in regular contact at the time of her death, but I did communicate with her that I knew she was ill and expressed my sadness at this. She seemed to accept that phone call alright and there was not any upset or anger. It was the last time I talked with her.

Is it common for therapists to give hugs after a therapy session? I don't mean a slap on the back sort of hug. I mean a hug lasting 15-20 seconds and pretty enveloping, but it never felt sexual from her. I think this is how this started for me and the feeling she may be in a new, same sex relationship with her lesbian best friend after having been divorced twice. (I'm a lesbian) She never did confirm this, but dropped hints fairly often, while maintaining I be my "true and authentic self." No doubt feelings for her were insanely sexual, but I would never have brought that up out of the fear of rejection. In hindsight, she had to know what I felt. It was not discussed.

All these years later, it bothers me that things were unresolved. She was a caring and nurturing sort of person, but I think she may have dropped the ball so to speak. I found out from a friend that there were two different obituaries for her - one acknowledging her longtime same-sex partner for those in CA where she lived and another with no mention of her partner for the State she was from. Due to this being pointed out, I read them both and I found it hypocritical at the time, given she was all about "truth and authenticity." I guess even at the age of 68, she just couldn't be public as she encouraged others to do. She was indeed, human.

Is there a possibility of counter-transference having gone on? Between the hugs and the weirdness in 2006, I do wonder.

Why does it matter? If the was no countertransference, it's a moot point. If there was, she's dead now.

Quite honestly, obsessing over it says more about her than it does you... Not that I'm downplaying your pain but regardless of the answer, you're still going to feel hurt. And that brings us back to the "Why do you feel the way you do?" question.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JCLNick]

Originally Posted by dtrain0802

Why does it matter? If the was no countertransference, it's a moot point. If there was, she's dead now.

Quite honestly, obsessing over it says more about her than it does you... Not that I'm downplaying your pain but regardless of the answer, you're still going to feel hurt. And that brings us back to the "Why do you feel the way you do?" question.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It matters because I hadn't seriously entertained this possibility. Yes, she's gone, but it brings up other things not mentioned here that now have me questioning a couple of ethical things. It's bad enough she's gone and I can't work it through with her. I prefer the empathy route, works better.