[WrkNPrgress]

I was at an all time low the other day in terms of self-esteem and confidence. I knew from all the practice and work I have done to remind myself that this will pass. These feelings will pass, eventually.

In these low times, my mind often drifts to various fantasies of my Therapist. Some of them are romantic in nature, some are not, but I realized how much this kind of thoughts and feelings serve as a medication. That even if I'm just fantasizing about my T, I'm at least imagining that someone would find me attractive, amusing, funny etc. I'm not in a total black hole. It stirs up endorphins to a certain degree as well. As long as I accept it for what it is - like a mental exercise that keeps those parts of my brain and heart active and functioning. It feels better than a complete black hole of self-loathing and numbness.

I guess I feel like being able to imagine something leaves the door open for someone 'real' (accessible) down the line.

[thesnowqueen]

It is very likely that your T DOES appreciate the suffering you are going through, and DOES appreciate various aspects of you. I don't think you need to believe that all of that is fantasy. That T is romantically attracted, and may ditch their partner for you, and run away with you to an exotic island - well - that part is likely to be fantasy! But, if in ones worst pit of despair, imagining it makes one feel even a little better, then enjoy

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

I'm with thesnowqueen, I say... imagine away. I don't typically indulge in those any more because I lack the ability to recognize that it will never happen, lol. So I try to stay away from that but I have to admit, when I did use it as a tool, it was highly motivating and really made me feel so good. It energized me and put some fire behind my healing journey. I genuinely wish I could go back to fantasizing but I already went through a major depressive period after confessing my feelings to my T and then there was a bit of fallout in terms of my treatment and so I grieved... hard... for well over a month and I'm still a bit in the grieving process. I'm no longer crying 24/7 though, so that is a good sign.

Fantasies were the best though. I used to love dreaming about going to concerts and music festivals with my T and us being a couple and eventually moving in together. I'd wonder what it'd be like to be in his bed at night, as his girlfriend, what it'd be like to cuddle with him as we watch The Late Late Show. Or how cool it'd be to just sit or lay together and watch a movie, scratch that... share a movie together. I had silly, naïve desires to share everything with him. Mainly because we have everything in common and it's always fun to find new things in common.

WrkNPrgress, I applaud you for being able to compartmentalize and keep things in perspective. It's a gift that you're able to utilize such a powerfully, encouraging, motivating and healing tool and yet still keep a level head about it. Maybe I'll get there someday when I have more practice and I'm not still in the thick of things. My situation is still new, I've only been in therapy for 4 months, only realized I'd fallen for the guy 3 months ago, just confessed my feelings to him 2 months ago and just regained my will to live about a month ago because I was pretty suicidal when found out I couldn't be with a man that I loved so much.

It's such a unique journey for us all.

These are very interesting thoughts. I also continuously look for ways to use my transference feelings in positive ways and have been for a long time, not only in therapy but when I experience similar in "ordinary" relationships as well. For example, in work relationships. I also typically gain a great deal of energy and motivation from these feelings and connection and I find it's possible (not even too difficult) to direct it towards worthwhile, realistic goals. I do need to consciously regulate the amount of fantasizing though, if for nothing else, because it can distract me and make me stuck in my imagination instead of doing productive things.

I had to learn how to use these things productively though, it wasn't that easy when I was much younger and experienced it for the first couple times. I think that our default, natural reaction is that when we are attracted to someone, we long to create a physical reality from it. It's simply biological motivation and I feel that the basic levels of nature did not design that energy to be utilized primarily for pure understanding and self knowledge. The latter is possible though using the more sophisticated elements of our conscious control, but the basic desires have to be tamed in order to achieve that. And those desires tend to be very powerful.

I have a relatively new T now (less than 2 months, weekly sessions and we also communicate some between session via email) that I find very attractive in many ways. It's been like that from start; it's quite obvious that it's not one way also. Well, we actually discussed that in my second session, not sexual/romantic attraction but that we have a lot in common and it's very pleasant to talk just about any topic. How this is going to create a challenge in our work together as T-client, to keep on track of my therapy goals and not get distracted. We'll see how it goes in the longer run but so far I feel it's very energizing in a positive way. I do have sexual and romantic fantasies about him but they don't seem to generate frustration. Maybe this is because I experienced ET so many times in my life before in non-therapy situations and it was handled in many different ways, some also acted out and turned into a personal relationship. Other times just discussed, or never mentioned. I think the fact that I don't suffer from these feelings and the desire of truly wanting to have a physical relationship is, to a large extent, due to the fact that I did that in the past, more than once, and know how what it's like. I did not do those in therapy though and I certainly would not recommend it.

There is another layer of it also. I am generally a very fantasy prone person and often it's enough for me to play around with ideas (including relationships) without having any serious motivation to make it real. This caused frustration to some people in my life but it seems helpful in therapy where this natural tendency can be used for investigation. Of course assuming that the T is open to it as well. For me, actually being in therapy and exploring these things without acting out is sort of an ultimate fantasy coming true, but of course there are moments when it burns and stings.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

There is another layer of it also. I am generally a very fantasy prone person and often it's enough for me to play around with ideas (including relationships) without having any serious motivation to make it real. This caused frustration to some people in my life but it seems helpful in therapy where this natural tendency can be used for investigation. Of course assuming that the T is open to it as well. For me, actually being in therapy and exploring these things without acting out is sort of an ultimate fantasy coming true, but of course there are moments when it burns and stings.

Can you clarify what you mean by "Exploring these things without acting out" ? I have been contemplating something that may be similar to what you're referring to and I'd love some more information on what that looks like for you. If you're willing of course, please don't feel any pressure to elaborate if you're not comfortable with it. I completely understand the "without acting out" part but the first bit... the exploring, I'm curious as to what that might look like?

Originally Posted by CriesAndGoodbyes

Can you clarify what you mean by "Exploring these things without acting out" ? I have been contemplating something that may be similar to what you're referring to and I'd love some more information on what that looks like for you. If you're willing of course, please don't feel any pressure to elaborate if you're not comfortable with it. I completely understand the "without acting out" part but the first bit... the exploring, I'm curious as to what that might look like?

By "exploring" I just meant discussing it with the other person in any way that is interesting and both of us are comfortable. Like what we expect to do in therapy, talking about the feelings, where they might come from, what they mean to us etc.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

By "exploring" I just meant discussing it with the other person in any way that is interesting and both of us are comfortable. Like what we expect to do in therapy, talking about the feelings, where they might come from, what they mean to us etc.

Yeah, I think that is the most annoying part about this for me... I don't think my T would be comfortable with the way I want to discuss it, lol. I want to do crazy things like ask him why we can't get married and discuss what it'd be like to lay in bed at night and cuddle and watch movies. No seriously, I've actually had to shut down fantasies of proposing, lol. I hazard to guess that things like that might make him a touch bit uncomfortable, lol. You see, I really want to explore it too but in a very real and possibly "acting out" sort of way and if not that far, then whatever the next closest thing is... lol. Because it's the only way I'll ever know if these feelings are real or transference. I know, it's so bad. But I genuinely don't see how I am going to move on, without proving or disproving that he is or isn't my soul mate. I wish that I had previous experiences like you because maybe then I wouldn't want/need to explore this as deeply as I do...