[iheartjacques]

Last November when T called the ambulance, I was angry at him.
But after getting referred to a mental health support team, and getting referrals to other agencies for help with the kids, finances, extra counselling etc. it was a rough ride.
I wasn't sure whether I wanted to keep seeing T. He said why don't we keep it going for now until you find someone else, but in the meantime, see what other help I get.
It was rough because it was over Christmas and summer holidays in my country, and it wasn't really until mid January that I started getting real assistance from other people.
Talking to all these people helped me see I was in an abusive marriage and it was time to get out.
Plus when he was away for a week on a job, I realised how happy, calm and relaxed I was. So I made the decision to tell him the marriage was over.
And just like that, my transference for my T stopped. Just like that.
Now I see him as someone who does have my sanity and safety interests at heart and is willing to write any referrals needed for me to get any other help I can get.
He knew that in the last 3 years, being in a unhappy marriage was my biggest problem. I thought my depression was my biggest problem. I was fixing other things, but not able to fix my biggest thing, which was my marriage.
I thought I didn't have the strength to leave. But now after trying to kill myself because I felt helpless and hopeless, I do have options to end it and make a new life for myself and my children and that suddenly all these people have showed up to help me.
Plus I'm no longer depressed. Just a lot of anxiety. It is a very unsettling time. All the pieces are in the air. Just waiting for them to fall so I can start making decisions.
Just wanted to say there is hope and just a different perspective. I don't know if my struggle in my feelings towards T was my struggle with my feelings in the marriage.

I share joy with you in the relief you feel and have come to embrace. Blessings and tc

I admire you, your courage and bravery. You've given me strength today which I dearly needed. Thank you for sharing and I hope things continue to get better for you.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'd been wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry you went through such a rough time but am glad things seem to be getting better for you. You're probably right that the transference for your T was related to what was missing in your marriage.

So are you still seeing your T then? Sounds like you could definitely use some support while all this is happening...

[iheartjacques]

Yes still here, just going through a lot. And still seeing T. I'm so glad I didn't get rid of him. It's so nice to walk in and sit down and have a safe place to spit it all out. He knows everything. The new support workers are great, but it's tiring running around with all the appointments and repeating my story over and over again.
He offered to keep some spaces in between free for me because he will be away and then I will be away at the next couple of fortnightly appointments.

[iheartjacques]

I still try to look presentable before I go, but I don't have that urge to look sexy or anything anymore thank god. Just to look nice same as when I go to work or see anyone else.

[iheartjacques]

No more crazy dreams about him either

[iheartjacques]

It's a different kind of transference now. I feel a lot more relaxed. Well until now when he said he was leaving next year. Now I'm feeling all mixed up. Mainly like I'm losing my rock. It's been a rough year and I can't really handle any more loss.

[iheartjacques]

And the crazy dreams have started up again. Gah.

[iheartjacques]

February 2017. A year since the marriage was over. Have moved. Started a new job. Exhausted. Not missing ex at all. He did some horrible stuff last year. But I still think about T most days. And how the heck do I say goodbye?!

Hugs, hugs, hugs