[ramonajones]

Hi everybody. Posting again here because I really need some support. I know you guys can't tell me what to do with my life, but I don't know who else to turn to right now. I took a month off from therapy with both the therapist I'm sexually obsessd with (T1) and the therapist I'm not obsessed with but who charges more than I can afford who I don't feel comfortable asking for a reduced rate because I know his baby has cancer (T2).

The first two and a half weeks were so wonderful. I felt like a human being again--not just someone desperately trying to kill time until my next appointment with T1. Then earlier this week, I was congratulating myself and said: "Great job Ramona! You only have 9 days to go until you see T1 again!"

Since that moment I have been in utter hell. The panic attacks are back. The suicidal thoughts are flooding me. I can't think of anything or anyone else but him. I'm desperate for my life to be over.

All of this would indicate to me that stopping seeing T1 altogether is the right thing to do, right?

Here's the problem: Since I stopped seeing him, I have had absolutely ZERO desire for sex. I push my husband away from me. I am annoyed and repulsed by him. I believe this is because I've been cut off from T1 who has sparked the most intense sexual feelings I've ever had in my life.

I feel like I'm in a real trap here. I don't want to give up what's been a sexual breakthrough for me, but I also know I can't go on this way with T1. I'm not sure what to do. I could ask T2 for help figuring it out maybe. I could write to T1 and tell him how bad things have gotten since the second I've realized I'm coming back to him. I don't know what to do.

I really need some help.

[Elio]

No real advice here, just hugs if you want them.

Wow what a tough spot to be in. Do you feel like you can talk to either T about this? Do you feel like you are being unfaithful with your H? Have you told your H where the new drive has come from and why it left? Have you figured out what it is about T1 that ignited such a sexual response to you (is it physical, mental, or emotional)?

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by Elio

No real advice here, just hugs if you want them.

Wow what a tough spot to be in. Do you feel like you can talk to either T about this? Do you feel like you are being unfaithful with your H? Have you told your H where the new drive has come from and why it left? Have you figured out what it is about T1 that ignited such a sexual response to you (is it physical, mental, or emotional)?

Haven't told my husband about it. The sexual obsession with T started over three years ago-shortly after I started seeing him. He (accidentally or not-I don't know) touched my the back of my hand at the end of one session when we were putting some books back on his bookshelf that I had been using during the session. I was in crisis and highly suicidal and he was about to go on vacation for a week. After I walked out of the office, he called me back in, shut the door, looked me in the eye and said: "Are you really going to be OK?"

I told him that I was. And after that, for the week that he was gone, I literally had a week long uncontrollable constant orgasm.

I didn't tell him about all of this until about 6 months ago. We've been trying to work through it with varying degrees of success. I've told him I'm completely obsessed with him, and that I needed to take this past month off both for financial reasons and because I feel like I don't have a life anymore--like my whole life is just obsessing about him.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by Elio

No real advice here, just hugs if you want them.

Wow what a tough spot to be in. Do you feel like you can talk to either T about this? Do you feel like you are being unfaithful with your H? Have you told your H where the new drive has come from and why it left? Have you figured out what it is about T1 that ignited such a sexual response to you (is it physical, mental, or emotional)?

Here's a more complete thread of what's been going on if you want to hear more of the story:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/roma...k-you-all.html

Ramona, are you sure that these cycles you are experiencing are related to therapy or your therapist alone, or even mostly? Not something more intrinsic that can be triggered but is primarily your internal fluctuations? Just had this thought because you described some pretty intense and extreme feelings and behaviors here.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Ramona, are you sure that these cycles you are experiencing are related to therapy or your therapist alone, or even mostly? Not something more intrinsic that can be triggered but is primarily your internal fluctuations? Just had this thought because you described some pretty intense and extreme feelings and behaviors here.

Can you explain what you mean by "internal fluctuations"?

Originally Posted by ramonajones

Can you explain what you mean by "internal fluctuations"?

Yes. It might be very off since obviously only based on your posts here, but I just had an impression that you described some pretty intense fluctuations in your moods and motivation. Sometimes deep depression and despair, other times that sexual high and intensity to connect with your therapist or your husband, spending money you apparently don't have on therapy... I just wondered if these are purely the consequences of your experiences or perhaps at least to some extent fueled by internal mood swings and motivational fluctuations that are not necessarily caused by external events and situations simply?

[magicalprince]

I think you should tell T2 about what's going on with T1. Maybe just a little bit at a time. It might help you understand your feelings better.