[CriesAndGoodbyes]

I ended it with T today.... in a small note. I haven't seen him in 5 days and I guess I will never be seeing him again. My heart is breaking. I don't know how I'm ever going to go on without him. How will I ever start my days without his smile? I was going every day.... and this 5 day stretch of absence was due to my cancelling several days... but now I've ended it permanently and he has even replied to my note. It's all over. He's gone... He was the most amazing person I'd ever met, my best friend... we were totally not like T and Client... we were like friends. Now I let him go... and he let me go too. I will never love anyone else like I loved him. I don't know if I would ever even want to love someone again. 29 is not too young to give up on love. I have to figure out how to live life all over again... without him... cause I just don't remember how anymore.

[ramonajones]

I'm so sorry. Try to be kind to yourself because this sounds incredibly painful. Do you write or paint or have any sort of creative outlet where you can process some of these feelings since you're not processing them in therapy with him?

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

I have been crying a lot to try to help process stuff and of course randomly breaking down when I am reminded of him. I can't believe I did it, maybe it was a mistake to give him up. I write and trust me I have done nothing but write love songs and break up poems for this guy for the last 8 months. We were doing intensive, so I saw him 4 hours a day, 5 days a week for 7 months and then 1 hour a day five days a week for the last month and then like a fool, I gave him up with a single message -

"Sorry for the late notice. I wont be available for a session on Monday or at all this upcoming week or for the foreseeable future. Please take me out of your schedule. Thanks for everything."

And he replied -

"Hi *insert my name*. Okay, thank you for letting me know. I hope that whatever you are going through, that you are okay. Please feel free to message me whenever you need to. Please take care."

This may have been a huge, impulsive mistake. Of course I do deeply love him and it's going nowhere because he wouldn't let it, so I guess it had to end eventually. This is just really hard.

[susan900]

[quote=CriesAndGoodbyes;5328928]I have been crying a lot to try to help process stuff and of course randomly breaking down when I am reminded of him. I can't believe I did it, maybe it was a mistake to give him up. I write and trust me I have done nothing but write love songs and break up poems for this guy for the last 8 months. We were doing intensive, so I saw him 4 hours a day, 5 days a week for 7 months and then 1 hour a day five days a week for the last month and then like a fool, I gave him up with a single message -

"Sorry for the late notice. I wont be available for a session on Monday or at all this upcoming week or for the foreseeable future. Please take me out of your schedule. Thanks for everything."

Hi Sorry your having a really hard time.. I know what its like, as I just finished therapy with my therapist 3 weeks on Wednesday! I felt so awful was looking at his Facebook photos every day, and I called him last, Monday, and Monday before. He said he cant take my calls and I felt soooo embarrassed.. but.. Hey hang in there

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Aww, I'm so sorry Susan! That is not very nice of your ex T. But yeah I totally get the Facebook stalking, among other obsessive behaviors and my occasional forays into fantasy land where I imagine all sorts of things. Yes, it's heart breaking. Thank you. You hang in there too.

[mostlylurking]

I'm so sorry, Cries. It does sound heartbreaking. Some therapists feel it's unethical to argue with a client who wants to stop therapy, unless of course the person is in imminent danger or something. But the way I interpret his reply is that he's doing the ethical thing of letting you quit and not pressuring you to do otherwise, but to me it sounds like he's concerned and that he wants you to message him if you need to. I read it as saying "My door is always open," in other words. You may have done the right thing for yourself, but if you decide to stop more gradually I bet you could message him and just say you'd like to try it that way instead. Five days a week to no contact is a massive sudden change.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Yeah, it is a huge contrast to go from 5 days a week to no contact. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I wish I did. Thank you for your thoughts on his reply. It's just still so hurtful after all we've been through and I hate when he acts like a T. I guess I had to let him go at some point, I just hope I come out of this okay. It would have been so much less hurtful if I could have read some other things into what he replied.... like that he cared about me or was sad too or actually wanted to hear from me because "my door is always open" is just so T like. : (

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by CriesAndGoodbyes

Yeah, it is a huge contrast to go from 5 days a week to no contact. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I wish I did. Thank you for your thoughts on his reply. It's just still so hurtful after all we've been through and I hate when he acts like a T. I guess I had to let him go at some point, I just hope I come out of this okay. It would have been so much less hurtful if I could have read some other things into what he replied.... like that he cared about me or was sad too or actually wanted to hear from me because "my door is always open" is just so T like. : (

I think that if you feel like friends, he probably is sad. He can't say so. perhaps it is hard for him too, but he has to be strong.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

I think that if you feel like friends, he probably is sad. He can't say so. perhaps it is hard for him too, but he has to be strong.

I felt like we were friends but I may never know for sure if he did.... he did say that he had an incredible connection with me and that it was rare and something he'd only ever experienced with four others. One of which he disclosed was the woman he was going to marry. *sigh* It sucks that I can't have him.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by frackfrackfrack

I think that if you feel like friends, he probably is sad. He can't say so. perhaps it is hard for him too, but he has to be strong.

I agree with this. I once suggested to my T -- when I was still a new client, just a few weeks in -- that it must be bizarre to get to know people so well and then have them just stop coming one day. He said yes, he gets used to seeing a certain person and then he just doesn't anymore... but then he just sort of trailed off. He didn't say he missed them, wondered about them, etc. At the time, I was really upset by this. I felt like-- "Don't you care about your clients at all? At least some of them?" But now I know that he does care... I suspect he just is very careful around this issue because it's not ethical if clients feel like "No, I can't stop coming, the T would be upset and would miss me, I guess I should just keep paying." I do think that with many T-client relationships there is a true bond there (not always, but a lot of times). But the T can't do anything that pressures the client into staying. They're not even technically supposed to check in with people who have ended therapy, I don't think... not unless the ex-client contacts them. (Not everyone is such a boundary ninja, of course.)

[iheartjacques]

Okay, I wasn't married to T, although what I see of him in my sessions, I would've been happy to be married to him, but he told me today he's leaving in 8 months. Logically I know therapy would've come to an end eventually, but I wanted it to be when I was ready, not for anyone to put a timeframe on it. So now it feels like I'm breaking up with the best 'boyfriend' I've had.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by CriesAndGoodbyes

I felt like we were friends but I may never know for sure if he did.... he did say that he had an incredible connection with me and that it was rare and something he'd only ever experienced with four others. One of which he disclosed was the woman he was going to marry. *sigh* It sucks that I can't have him.

I think he must care for you very much if he said this. Yes, it sucks like the worst thing in the world. I am not sure how one is supposed to recover from this.

Your story is so incredibly similar to what happened with T1. I left him because it was too hard to have a professional relationship with someone who I so wanted to be friends with and closer too. It was painful to leave him and I felt like my heart had been ripped out.
Like you, T1 talked about our connection and I felt so close to him. He encouraged my feelings by talking that way. (And I was 29 too!) I left in the hope I could have friendship with him in future.
After I left I processed this loss with another T. I started to see how his loose and inconsistent boundaries had contributed to my transference and to the turmoil I went through with him and afterwards. I actually became quite resentful.
So fast forward two years and he's tried to initiate friendship with me, and I don't want it. I see this as another example of his loose boundaries.
I hope you don't mind me sharing that here, but I want you to know that a) I understand how painful and heartbreaking this is, and b) feelings can change with time. Enmeshment relies on contact. I wish you every success moving forward.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

I haven't seen him since October 12th, 2016... I am almost to the 5 month mark and while I'd love to say I'm so over it.... the best I can say is its not killing me anymore. The truth is I'd give almost anything for him to try to initiate a friendship with me, now or two years from now, or anytime really because it feels like a piece of my heart would wait forever.

I had a dream about him last night, the first in ages and then I gave in and looked at his new profile picture on facebook. I wonder if he thinks of me at all anymore? Does he engage new clients with anonymous anecdotes about me the way he did about others to me? Does he still speak so highly of me or use me as the gold standard reference? Does he still wish I'd get well so I could go on that group trip with him and some of his other clients? I wonder who is in love with him now? Is he still single? How did his 30th birthday go? It was just the month after mine since we're almost the exact same age. But really though... I'd love to know if he ever thinks of me...

~C

[captgut]

Heartbreaking
Thank you for sharing!

I'm sure you're in his heart. This place in his heart will always be yours.

I can understand your pain, sorry I can't find the right words.
Hope you'll get better. Hugs if you want

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Thank you, I appreciate your sympathy. I guess one of the difficult parts I'm still struggling with is wondering why he treated me that way? What he got out of it and if I was used? I paid $70,000 over the course of 8 months waiting like a fool for this guy to confess his love for me and all I got was "we have an amazing and rare connection." Part of me wonders if I had hung in there longer... would he have admitted it? Went further? Considered it? Or would he just have gladly taken my money in exchange for his psuedo-love in the form of four daily hours of glorious, life altering, earth shattering, toe curling, mind blowing "therapy" - not exactly the ending I was hoping for because I got stiffed in more ways than one and none of them were good. #1 - it cost a fortune. #2 - there was no sex. And this one is perhaps the worst, #3 - therapy was incredibly limited too. I wish there was a way to determine if his behavior really was wrong or if his ethics really weren't good or if he did cross lines or break boundaries. I wish there was some magical source to just conclusively provide me that answer so I knew if I should hate him instead of love him. If I only knew what was in his heart and what his intentions were.... (sigh)

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by CriesAndGoodbyes

Thank you, I appreciate your sympathy. I guess one of the difficult parts I'm still struggling with is wondering why he treated me that way? What he got out of it and if I was used? I paid $70,000 over the course of 8 months waiting like a fool for this guy to confess his love for me and all I got was "we have an amazing and rare connection." Part of me wonders if I had hung in there longer... would he have admitted it? Went further? Considered it? Or would he just have gladly taken my money in exchange for his psuedo-love in the form of four daily hours of glorious, life altering, earth shattering, toe curling, mind blowing "therapy" - not exactly the ending I was hoping for because I got stiffed in more ways than one and none of them were good. #1 - it cost a fortune. #2 - there was no sex. And this one is perhaps the worst, #3 - therapy was incredibly limited too. I wish there was a way to determine if his behavior really was wrong or if his ethics really weren't good or if he did cross lines or break boundaries. I wish there was some magical source to just conclusively provide me that answer so I knew if I should hate him instead of love him. If I only knew what was in his heart and what his intentions were.... (sigh)

I'm sorry you are in pain.
I hope you are able to discover whether you were exploited. Have you thought about hiring another T to process this relationship? If your T was licensed, you can contact his licensing board and ask whether your T's actions crossed ethical boundaries- or you can look up the ethics codes for his profession. You don't have to give his name. Or, contact T.E.L.L. And let them help you figure it out: TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

I was exploited by a psychiatrist, so I empathize. I remember feeling so much love for him, the confusion and, later, the anger.

You can private message me if you like. I'll do what I can to help. If I don't know the answers, I can connect you to professionals in the field who know.

Doing 1:1 therapy with that intensity (frequency and length of sessions) is quite unusual and I cannot imagine how that style could maintain a professional structure. Was that in an inpatient setting? No surprise you have developed the preoccupation you did and it is a bit odd a T would encourage this for months, IMO.

[Erebos]

Really odd set up you had there. Even if it was in a clinical setting they usually rotate your therapists.

If you feel able, I would Be inclined to check out if his behaviour was ethical or self serving.
Whatever you decide take care.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Precaryous - Thank you for your reply. I am writing with TELL and hoping that I can sort out all this confusion. I really can relate to what you said about first being in love, then being confused and then being angry. I don't know about the anger pat yet but I'm definitely lost in a whirl win of confusion because I don't know whether to hate this guy or love him... I would love to have a list of contacts who might be able to help me with this. I'd really appreciate it. I am not currently sorting this out with a second therapist but I am contemplating potentially doing that.

Xynesthesia - I don't know how professional structure could be kept up over that length of time and length of session for that duration either. The truth is, it obviously wasn't kept up. I was told that he doesn't usually work intensively for that long with other people. I guess the typical intensive for him is 1-2 weeks max. He had one or two other ones that lasted a few months but no one ever went 7 months on intensive full time status like me, and when I decreased my time, it was only because financially I had to, and I couldn't take his "no's" for an answer, I just had to. So I dropped down to 1 hour per day, 5 days a week for a little over a month before finally quitting altogether. Financially it was very draining, something to the tune of $70,000 over 8 months. I had talked about reducing hours or taking days off or dropping to less days per week prior to that but he always said he didn't think we should. At one point I even asked for consults because my Transference was so painful that I was highly suicidal and practicing self-harm, he told me he'd set up some consults with his colleagues but that I shouldn't make a quick decision too soon, that we should talk about it, think about it, give it three weeks and revisit switching therapists but that in the interim of the 3 weeks, he'd get me consults. Needlessly to say he never did.

Erebos - Yes it was an odd set up. It was not in a clinical setting, it was a combination of skype therapy and in person therapy. Though the in person was extremely limited. I can only assume that at least a portion of his behavior was self serving because he definitely added fuel to the fire of my love for him unnecessarily. I don't know how to check if it was or was not for sure though....

~C

[Erebos]

I wish I didn't have this going on I my head but , I am assuming that was all your savings or an inheritance?
How aware was he of your financial set up?
Mostly Skype??!
So not even face to face?
The red flags and alarm bells are going off I am afraid Hon. I am always suspect when a T discourages or effectively blocks you getting a 2nd opinion.
I suspect you would be told he was doing something highly unethical. Although I could be wrong it might be different here.
I am in the UK, so I am unable to tell you where you need to look for codes of practice. But I suspect someone here can.
Also can I recommend the sticky at the top of this forum, I think it could be helpful.
So sorry this is your experience.
Every time I hear stories like this, which is with alarming regularity, I am glad I am with a strictly boundaried pdoc who doesn't deviate, dressing it up as "for my benefit".

Please be gentle with yourself.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Erebos, it was borrowed money and yes he knew that financially I was broke, mentally ill and I couldn't support myself. Yes, it was mostly online, not even face to face, though there was a very brief period of face to face work. And you would know better than I would about the ethics since you actually live in the same region as him (The UK), I'm from America. He flew to America to work with me for two days but the rest was all online. I was wondering why he never set up the consults with some of his colleagues as he had agreed to. I have no idea what he was doing with me... but I spent 4 hours a day, 5 days a week with a man who quickly made my life revolve around him. He'd recommend movies or music for me to watch or listen to in the evenings, so I wound up spending virtually every waking moment thinking about him. And when we were in therapy, it was much more just like talking to a friend than therapy... in fact a huge portion of it was spent talking about him and his likes and dislikes and daily routines became ingrained in me.
: (

[*Laurie*]

Oh, no. I do hope you know something is terribly wrong with the entire situation? $70,000?! And he flew to the US to see you? Oh, hun...how are you doing?