She's taking time off

I mostly joined here to talk about my therapist. I have not said anything until now, but I really need this outlet right now. I have been going twice a week for a few months now, a year altogether, and she's taking two weeks off. Yesterday was the last session before her break, and I don't know how to deal. I'm trying to tell myself I'm being silly, but I can't help it. Already yesterday it felt like the day dragged on and on. 18 days to go.

She is so important to me. Magical, even. I don't know how to define it, or if I should even attempt to. My feelings do have romantic tones to them, but it's not that clear-cut. She has just somehow tapped into this thing in me with all the feelings, positive and negative. I recognize a lot of it as transference, but that does not make it feel any less intense, and also there's the part that I notice how she lights up at certain topics, and that touches me. And of course I can't stop wondering how much we really do have in common "in real life." I am, however, not seriously fostering dreams of a relationship with her outside therapy. I know the boundary is there for a good reason. I have recently started carefully approaching my feelings for her in session. First I said I'm very attached to her. That was during a crisis. We had some miscommunication about where we should be going with the therapy, and she was questioning whether I really want to continue with her. Whether I trust her. I can see why she would think that. I am very distrustful of people. Then, on Tuesday I told her I'll miss her. That was hard. Yesterday I was a mess. I can't even really remember what I said, but I did tell her I have "all kinds of feeling for her." Oh jeesh. Maybe it's just as well that I don't need to face her for a while. I know that I needed to start talking about it, though. It was holding up the therapy...and my life.

Also, I'm married, and I feel guilty as hell spending so much time thinking about another woman. My wife is very supportive. I have not told her the exact nature of my feelings not all sides of them. But she's not dumb. How would she not know? I also know she knows why I feel this way. But still, it can't feel good having your spouse mesmerized with someone else. We have only been married a little over two years. I was sorely disappointed in myself, developing this so early on. I have a pattern of transference-type infatuations with teachers etc. But then, I'm not really that surprised. I love my wife and think we're a good match, but love alone can't heal me.

Ugh. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I miss T. My heart hurts. And it's been one day. And then what, when I get to the end of nineteen? I told her yesterday that what makes this hard is the way this underlines what our relationship is not. It's not a two-way street. There is no permanence. When she's gone she's gone and I cannot reach out. Actually, I can hardly believe I stumbled through all that.

And I know that I'm supposed to trust her with all that and she's supposed to help me through it and in the end I should be able to make it on my own and "internalize" her and not need her in my actual life. But right now I just feel broken without her and all that feels like it's lightyears away.

Hello ~Isola~: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

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Hi ~Isola~. I'm not sure how much comfort I can offer you here, but I just wanted to voice my understanding. Eighteen days is a long time to be without her when you're so attached, I know I would find that very hard too. I hope it gets easier for you.

I'm sorry you feel guilty about the strong feelings you have for your therapist. I don't think the guilt is helpful to you. The strong feelings are (as I see it) a good, solid therapeutic transference.

I remember when my wonderful therapist used to go on vacation...it was sheer hell for me. All I could do was count the days until he returned. One thing I did do that helped was, I would write to him every day while he was gone. Sometimes I'd give it to him when he returned, sometimes not- either way, writing to him helped soothe me while he was away.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope the days pass quickly. I think it's great you are being so open and honest with your therapist and I hope she is understanding and helps you through this. You're being brave to be so open.

I went through a pretty strong period of transference with my therapist and the feelings *did* change as time went on. If you find it hard to trust people, finding someone trustworthy can indeed feel truly magical.

I don't think you should feel guilty about thinking so much about your therapy/therapist, in terms of your spouse. This is just a normal part of the therapy process for many people. And I know, for me, therapy has proven *extremely* helpful for my marriage. It's not at all like having an "emotional affair" or anything like that, in my view. I see the therapy as a laboratory that creates conditions where buried needs can come out. And then you work to get those needs met outside the room, too.

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. It's been a tough week and a half, and another 9 days to go.

I feel like I haven't been open and honest at all. I was already starting to feel things for her last Spring, and I'm only now, little by little, starting to open up about it. Fear of rejection and humiliation is at the very core of my issues, as is any openness and vulnerability I muster being used against me, so this is very hard. And transference feels like such a paradox. It sort of comes with a built-in rejection, with a person who I'm supposed to open up to unlike anyone else. And who has no permanence in my life. It hurts so much to think that there will be a time when she no longer is a part of my life. And there's nothing I can do except try to find a peace with that.

I am pretty sure that this is rooted in my mother issues. She even looks a little bit like my mom. This is such a classic transference. But my feelings for her could not be more more different than than what I feel for my mom. It kind of makes sense to my brain but then again doesn't. How can I be so drawn to someone, like this, if I'm transferring my little kid mom feels onto her? And I cannot stop thinking of her as an individual. Her views of the world that she sometimes lets me see a tiny peek of. Her humor, the face she makes when something is funny. Her voice. Oh god, that voice. The way laughter seeps into her it. And the way she gets all hushed and serious and intense when I share something painful with her.

I am dying to reach out and ask her questions. To find out how she sees the world. Learn all the little things. And I know I never will. Because - and here comes the other part of the paradox - that simply couldn't be. Even though a big part of me cannot stop playing visions of her finding me so special that just this once...I strongly suspect that I couldn't respect her further down the line, if she did actually cross that boundary. And really, I couldn't even try to put her in that position.

I think it doesn't hurt to ask your T questions. It is up to her whether she answers or not.

The "little kid feels" could be that your attachment to T is what your kid inside wanted when they were younger.

I'm sorry this break is hard for you. Find a way to be kind to yourself. Eat nutritiously, hydrate, and do something fun.

That's just it. I'm so avoidant with possibility of hurt, awkwardness, rejection, that I really can't. The mere thought of her feeling uncomfortable by a question asked by me...ugh. And the idea of her refusing to answer is bad enough to keep me from asking anything, pretty much. I may also have weird ideas of what is proper. I don't know!

I can relate you your feelings, its very intense and feel that whom ever has not gone through this will not understand because for me there has been no level of attachment like this. I remember when my Therapist went on leave for two weeks, I completely broke down in tears like someone had died, and it was very confusing as 1: I didnt actually know anything about her hardly, 2: I have a wife, 3: its only 2 weeks, but it made no difference. For me its was a very confusing thing all in all, not that I didnt understand what was happening, but that why it was so painful, the thought of my sessions finishing was doing me no good. Iv not seen her for over a year now, and wish she was better trained to deal with my transference. If you have a good therapist that helps you through your transference you could come out of this dealing with many issues your having. Be open with her, and see how she responds.

All the best.

SJ

To be honest, some of what you wrote in your original post sounds like something out of a cult indoctrination process. Seriously, it's pretty scary. I was in the same place, so I get it, am not judging. It just takes you over.

You mentioned fear of rejection and humiliation. I confessed my feelings for my therapist, and that is exactly what I got, plus abandonment and much more. The psychological damage from this is a gift that keeps on giving (2.5 yrs now). I suffered through a 4 week break. It was pathetic, the neediness, though completely involuntary.

It's worth considering that all of the "transference" nonsense you might have been fed is just that... nonsense. There is no evidence nor logic to support the idea that you must be raked over the emotional coals in this way in order to be free of your suffering. Developing overpowering and even suffocating feelings for a paid consultant who will never return those feelings and who might never even reveal their own feelings or motivations... that is a set up for serious pain. Could be helpful for some, but try making the case for that. Not easy.

"I love my wife and think we're a good match, but love alone can't heal me."

An authentic, mutual, real-world relationship is less healing than a contrived one based on half-baked theories, one-way intimacy, payment, hierarchy, etc? Seems it's the reverse.

i agree with what BudFox is saying. i too went through years of a similar intense transference with my T and for me, talking about and discussing it over and over again wasn't helping or making it feel any less intense. for me, the intense transference did not settle until i calmed down my emotional dysregulation. i found doing neurofeedback to be quite successful at calming my dysregulation, but there are other methods one can try, like meditation or somatic therapies. but for me, all the talking and relating the transferred feelings that the relationship with my T was stirring up back to my lack of a secure attachment to my primary caregivers (especially my mum) was not going to ever calm down my overactive amygdala. once i started getting some emotional regulation (a calmer amygdala) i was able to step back and from the transference to examine and except it for what it was.

this i agree with as well. i became very close to my husband as i worked through therapy, being very open and honest with him as i dealt with my issues. because of this, i learned that i could form a safe and secure attachment to him that has been very healing for me. my husband was able to fill a niche that my therapist just never could....my husband could be there for me and be supportive in times of need when my therapist could not (especially during those chaotic times between sessions).

you are right, love alone can't heal you, but the love of someone who can realistically and unconditinally support you and who can physically be by your side as you work through your issues will definilty make things easier. unfortunately, a therapist will never be able to realistically do these things and it will most likely cause nothing but angst and frustration, over and over again, as you try to come to terms with that.

I didn't know how to respond for a long time, especially to you, BudFox.

At first I was sad and a little angry that I felt like I needed to defend my feelings toward a psychotherapist on a board that is specifically meant for just that.

And then I just felt tired. It's been a wild ride, and I have no spoons for this.

I am sorry you had such an unfortunate experience. I really am. I can only imagine the pain you had to go through.

But with that being said...I do subscribe to the concept of therapeutic transference. And that is exactly what is going on here. My crazy need to put T on a pedestal and pretty much worship the ground she walks on are dead giveaways that this thing is not "just a cigar." What I didn't tell was that this is not the first time this is happening to me. Just the first time in a therapy setting. I actually have a lifetime full of painful encounters with emotionally or otherwise unavailable older women, starting from my childhood teachers. And I have a mother who is distant, volatile, and who has obviously failed to give me the sense of closeness and security I needed as a little kid.

Also, I am genuinely happy with my wife, in spite of having a truckload of issues. We struggle, because I'm sensitive and untrusting, but we both really want to make it work. And YET this happened again. At first I was disappointed in myself, but then I realized that I'm lucky it happened with a therapist and not someone else. Because I have an opportunity to work through this here. All I needed was the guts to tell her and for her to know how to do her job.

So, I told her, as hard as it was. And it's still hard. And I'm still scared. But she promised to not leave me, and we're working through it. It's still hard to get through my defenses, but I'm getting braver. More trusting. Because I know she's a professional and can give me a safe framework for working through my feelings and where they stem from.

I told my wife as well. She already knew it, and she's very supportive. Actually, she understands also, because she has childhood experiences not much unlike mine, and she has been through this kind of attractions herself. She is in therapy too. I do believe that true love is healing. But it has its limits. I think of it as something that provides a fertile, supportive ground for the healing process, rather than the healing itself. That is something I need T's help for. And if it works out, I will be able to love my wife better.

And I do actually love T. But that is not the "scary cult" kind of love. I love her as someone who is in her own way nurturing me and helping me along on this painful lifelong journey. For which I am deeply thankful.

I didnt meant to get in your face or in your business. I loathe that sort of thing. Apologies for coming across that way. I was trying to comment on the general notion of transference and therapist infatuation that is preached so insistently.

I get that strong impulses can be stirred up by therapy, and that this can provide clues to unmet needs and to patterns. But seems to me that is ALL it is... a few clues. When it's sold as a formal process and rite of passage and uber-relationship that clarifies all others... seems a dangerous overreach.

Like yours, my therapist more or less promised not to bail out. Then she bailed out. It was supposed to be a safe framework, but it was never really safe because her investment in it was insignificant compared to mine. And because therapist participation is (as someone wrote) somewhat or largely fraudulent, being motivated by money and being conducted via a professional persona. Hope it works out for you.