[Amazing1]

This is the shortest version of a long story. Please don't judge me. I'm very weak and confused at this point in my life:

Met T in Europe when my daughter had a crisis & stayed in a psych clinic for 4 weeks. He's head of the clinic plus has his own very revered private practice. My husband and I both liked him and appreciated his help treating our daughter. He's an intelligent man with a good sense of humor. I had a couple of short private sessions with him discussing my daughter. He was quite charming when my husband wasn't there, but not at all flirtatious.

We currently live in Asia, so my husband flew back to Europe to bring her home after her release. During that time, hubby and I had yet another argument which has been happening more and more regularly lately. His flight home was 4 days ahead of mine.

My husband and I, after being married for 25 years, and living in 8 different countries during the past 20 years for HIS executive career, are going through some difficult times. The more he pulls away due to stress and work, the needier I get. I also hate the country we currently live in and just feel miserable here...

Whenever we argue and I get into a huge depression. I know I'm wayyyyyy too dependent on him, but that's unfortunately what happens when you're a "trailing spouse" and cannot work in these other countries. Always moving, new countries, new friends, new social life, new schools for the kids, new houses, 100% financially & emotionally dependent on him and no stability. Ugh. I want my own life now after sacrificing so much for him!!

I was very distraught after our recent blow-up so I contacted my daughter's T to see if he could recommend a T for me to see immediately (I only had a few days left in Europe, but I desperately needed to talk to someone ASAP!)...

He said that he'd see me, no problem. I was grateful and relieved to finally be able to express my resentments, feeling unappreciated, so many frustrations, how awful it makes me feel that my husband doesn't show any interest in me anymore. I'm a woman who needs love and attention from my husband & without it, I might as well not be married to him. {my husband and I used to have a very passionate, respectful, romantic, intimate, sexual, loving, close relationship. That's why I married him! So it really hurts to just be roommates now}. Plus, my husband and I are on different levels, dealing with the stress of our daughter's BPD and recent crisis which is multiplying our other issues.

T told me to meet him at his private clinic that afternoon.
He allowed me to vent about issues and every now and then would make a comment that made me laugh. After all my venting, he said that he sees me as a gorgeous passionate woman and that I deserve to be treated like one. That comment came with such SERIOUS eye contact that I had to look away in embarrassment. He also said some negative things about how he perceived my husband.
He volunteered to tell me a few personal things about himself and even showed me a picture of his daughter but said he couldn't find one of his wife in his phone. He
He kept telling me that I'm a strong woman and I kept telling him that at this point in my life I'm definitely NOT a strong woman. He insisted I was (I'm NOT! I wish I could snap my fingers and become strong!)...

By then end of our session, which started as therapy and ended as a social visit, he told me what I needed was a lover. I laughed because I thought it was another joke. But he told me he was serious.
At this point I'm getting major butterflies. I jokingly said "Well, I've never had a lover before. Is there a website you can recommend?" That made him laugh really hard and he said he loves my "spark". Then he said "No, no website! Haha! I already know of someone (wink)"
Now I'm all excited and feeling things that I've been needing and lacking for so long!

When it was time to say our goodbyes, he came to me and gave me a big hug with kisses on the cheeks - which is very European, but I've only ever shook his hand before that. This started as a T session and ended with what we both commented as having great chemistry with each other. He said to contact him anytime.

After leaving his office (which I wasn't charged for), I was half on cloud-nine & half completely confused! I walked a couple of blocks to an outdoor cafe and texted him where I was. To my surprise, he showed up a few minutes later. We had a more intimate conversation about our chemistry and such for about 30 minutes, another European "kiss-kiss" on the cheeks with a lingering hug and an "I'll text you later" from him.
He texted me later asking how I was doing.
We had a few very flirty text exchanges and a phone conversation. I asked when we'd start having the Skype sessions that we discussed earlier and he said that he's not my doctor anymore because he wants to see me when I return during the summer. That was followed by some flirty sexy texts about how the next time he sees me he's afraid he's going to lose control, etc... I'm not at all innocent in this because I also sent flirty messages to him. But it felt so good! He FaceTimed me during my layover on my way home to see how I was doing. That made me feel so good. Like he really cared.

I'm back home in Asia now and I was so obsessed with him for the first couple of days - he was all I could think about! I know I over texted him.... he started replying with short answers. Now I'm sad and feeling rejected on top of all my other personal issues!!
So I sent an email saying we made a little mistake and that I really wish he'd be my doctor again because I felt so comfortable with him and I really need someone to talk to. He simply replied "yes I'll be your doc again". Nothing else and nothing since.

I admit to anyone reading this epic story that that was a conscious manipulation on my part because I just want to see and talk to him. He probably knows that. As far as my husband goes, I've been warning him for years that he's slowly losing me from his lack of interest, so I feel zero guilt right now. I've only been home a few days and he HAS been making a huge effort to be sweet, more attentive, intimate, etc... I think he realizes how close he is to losing me.

Question: did T cross "the line" or any boundaries since it was only one session and not even really full therapy?

Question: he told me that same night that he wasn't my doctor anymore because he wants to see me. Is that because he's being ethical?

Question: how do I stop obsessively thinking about him?!?! I know, no more contact, but when does this obsession go away??

[lucozader]

Yes, he absolutely did cross the line and the boundaries of the relationship. Even if the situation didn't involve the power differential that it inherently does, don't you think that a married man deliberately pursuing a married woman is inappropriate?

Yes, I think it's probably because he thinks he's being 'ethical'. I don't think he is. I don't think there's any way that he could be 'ethical' at this point - aside from ending contact with you altogether - but even then it seems damage has already been done.

I can't tell you how to stop obsessing, I'm trying to work it out myself. Please do let me know if you find out.

I hope I don't come across as judgemental - at least not towards you. I don't think you have done anything wrong here, and I really do feel for you, especially being in a similar boat myself in terms of obsession.

[Amazing1]

Lucazader, thank you for your reply! I didn't feel judged by you at all. Do you have a link to your T story that I can read?

[Amazing1]

Update: T is currently abroad at a psych convention with his wife, thus the short replies. He said we'll talk on Wednesday. At least I don't feel rejected anymore.
If anyone is interested in the outcome after Wednesday, I'll update it here...
Thanks in advance for anyone's advice/opinion!!

[whoknew005]

Where in Europe? Some europeans have a tolerant view of taking lovers. Some code of ethics say you can have a first consultation and decide to refer out if you want to date instead. You weren't a client yet. He didn't charge you. If you have feelings for him and your husband is ignoring you...
I wouldn't go back to him for therapy though. Find a different therapist

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by Amazing1

Lucazader, thank you for your reply! I didn't feel judged by you at all. Do you have a link to your T story that I can read?

Well I'm glad to hear that!

I have a thread in this forum here... it's not much of a story though, just me trying to get to grips with my crazy feelings!

Please do let us know what happens... I hope things turn out well for you, whatever that might mean

[lucozader]

How did the phone call go, Amazing?