journal entries

these are old journal entries from when i was still with my former T

M and i had a role-reversal tonight in which he confided in me his feelings about our relationship. i could see him tearing up and trying to brush the tears away with his fingers and seeing that alone made me want to cry but i tried to hold it in because i wanted to look strong for him. he told me alot of things that he felt about himself dealing with our relationship and how he views himself. he asked me how i view him and told me how he is in constant conflict with himself over who he is and what he is doing with me. i found myself mostly speechless but fumbling for the words to reassure him that i don't judge him or think of him as a bad person. i wanted so much to let him know that everything was going to be okay but i couldnt. at one point i asked him if sometimes he wished that i would just disappear... he said yes.

as much as that hurt me i understood. i understood that i am the devil on his shoulder. if he is a bad, guilty person then i am just as much.

written about my former therapist, "M" 2009

i heard him rise out of the bed at around 6 am this morning. i rolled over in the bed and watched his naked body walk down the hallway and enter the bathroom before he shut the door. after i closed my eyes for a few minutes i heard the door open and i sleepily opened them and saw him come back down the hallway to sit on the end of the bed. i sat up and kissed his bare back; he moaned and said hello love. he smelled clean. i watched him get dressed and we talked a bit, but i can't remember what about. he kissed me on the forehead and on his way out he told me that he was checking the room out at 10 minutes until 10 am so i should be awake and out of the room by then, unless i wanted to sleep in and play around with the housekeepers. you're so gross i said to no one in the dark after the hotel room door slammed shut, letting a cold draft of air blow in over my own naked body

written about my former therapist, "M" 2008

Thank you for sharing those. It broke my heart to read them though...

Thanks for sharing these, junkDNA. It really reminded me of a relationship I had in the past... not with a therapist but with someone who sort of started out as a professional authority relative to me. The apparent guilt and ambivalence he expressed initially, meeting in hotel rooms in top secret, his leaving me alone there, etc. For me, that was a period of my life also when I was living somewhere I hated, had a job I hated, and sank into substance addiction, chronic depression etc; they all ended up intertwined. The time when I decided to get away from it physically was at the end of 2009 and mentally it took many more. Not a linear process by any means.

What ultimately happened with the relationship? And did you end up reporting him?

This might be triggering so read at ur own discretion...




He was very into swinging which is partner swapping (hence the maid comment).

He would meet couples online and take me to meet them. We would all have sex. He would give me alcohol because I am naturally shy. Did I want to do those things? Hell no!! But, I did.

He had successfully isolated me from all.my friends and even my family. I was totally and completely dependant on him. So, in my mind, not having sex with the strangers was life or death to me... meaning if i didn't do it I would lose him.

This happened 3 times. I became incredibly suicidal. I was admitted to a hospital. 3 or 4 days after being there I spilled the beans to my pdoc. I phrased it as " I'm going to tell you something but I don't want you to do anything about it"

Of course my pdoc freaked out and did something about it.

I was pressured to file a complaint to my states board of psychology. So I did. They came to the hospital to.interview me and investigate my complaint. They also took the hard drive from my computer to look at it... I assume to verify the validity of the emails.

He refused to cooperate with the investigators, so they suspended his license. He waived the trial and settled with them which.meant his license to be a therapist was revoked.

I was then pressured by my mom to file a civil lawsuit. What he did.to me is not illegal in my state. So it had to be civil. The lawsuit went on for 2 years and then it settled without going to litigation. I got a large sum of money which went into a special kind of trust.

As far as my mental health... it totally deteriorated and stayed that way for years. I am only now finally recovering from it all. I was with him for almost 2 years. I reported him in Feb 2010 when I was 22

It is now 2017 and I am turning 30 soon. I just want to show how much damage something like this.can do

That's such a horrifying story, JD. His treatment of you would have been seriously abusive even if it wasn't coming from someone in such a position of power and trust who was meant to be caring for you. I feel so impotently furious... I try not to believe that some people are truly evil but sometimes it's really hard.

I'm glad you're finally starting to recover now. I can't imagine the effect that an experience like that would have on a person.

Well, the second part does not resemble my story I was referring to at all but I am glad you posted all this in one place on this subforum. Probably useful read for people who are currently struggling with ET and these kinds of temptations.

JunkDNA - Thank you so much for sharing these journal entries and your story in general. I admire your strength. As tormented as you may feel at any given time, I know I will always hear your "wise mind" in your words. I see the child and the adult in there, and I admire the adult's ability to understand what the child is going through and help her through it.

I learn a lot from you. You rock. You really do.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. It is sick that this guy would abuse you like this. You are very brave for talking so candidly about it and how it has affected you. I'm sure it was not easy to deal with the investigation, but I am glad that you did report him. Because you chose to speak up, this creep won't have the chance to hurt other innocent people. You've almost certainly saved other people from a great deal of harm.

Horrifying.
Have you been in therapy again since?

Yes, I've been working with my current T for 6 years

That was awesomely brave JD. You keep on showing your strength, and never fail to leave me in awe of what you have accomplished and how you never stop fighting.
Even though I know nearly everyday you wish you could.

You keep reminding me to dig deep.

Thanks as always JD.

Hi JD, I believe your story is so meaningful, and will be very helpful to many people. I'm sorry you went through such pain, but thank you for sharing.