divorcing his wife?

i'm not really gonna give a ton of backstory on the relationship i have with my t. just know that i've been seeing him for 3 years, we have 17 year age gap, he's aware of my romantic, sexual, and kind of parental (him being the parent) feelings towards him, and that we have a very...interesting relationship. he's extremely casual and has never hesitated to share very personal information about himself with me (even when i didn't ask). he's sort of said he loves me??? idk. he said he "opposite of hate"s me. he said "i love you, but also hate you" in a kind of joking way. one day when i bluntly asked him if he loves me he said he "is not good with the word love" and that "cares about me very much" and that the way he feels for me could be seen as "equal to love".

i never knew what to make of this. i still don't. probably because i'm so deeply in love with him that i can't make sense of any of this, and haven't been able to for 3 years.

anyway, today he mentioned (and i don't know how we got on this topic) that marriage "isn't for everyone". then he said "not for me, definitely". he's been married for a few years and has a 3 year old. i know he loves the child dearly, but he's given me vibes before that he isn't too happy in his marriage. today that belief was confirmed. he totally made it apparent that he feels really tied down. he said that anyone who gets married and feels only attracted to that one person for the rest of their life is lying. i also know he felt pressured into getting married by his parents when they found out his wife was pregnant. i decided to push a little further and subtly asked why he didn't just get a divorce. he said "well, divorce is certainly an option". then i mentioned how it would be difficult if there's a kid involved and he agreed. i think that's the reason why he won't divorce her. and to not upset his parents.

was he trying to tell me something when giving out this information? like i said, he's a pretty open guy, and tells me a lot of stuff. but i just found it interesting how he basically said he wasn't happy in his marriage. i know that doesn't mean "i'm leaving my wife to be with you" but of course my outrageous mind thought of this. idk. i'm a mess.

thoughts? lol

Welcome to the forums. I'm sure that others will have input on your situation.

His oversharing and expression of "emotional feelings" (don't know how else to word that) are violating boundaries, I think.

Are your therapy sessions therapeutic for you?

i think everyone knows what i will say to any thread like this- please don't go into a relationship with this man. i am speaking from experience. i know it seems so hot and naughty, but its really not. its really NOT. anyway, that's all i can say. its up to you as always, take care

It sounds like he talks about himself a LOT in sessions. That's not good. I'm totally in love with my therapist too and he's said he has feelings for me nothing will ever happen between us, but I think if he told me he was getting divorced I'd go INSANE with fantasies. That sounds difficult.

thanks! and yeah...

they're kind of therapeutic? they make me happy if that means anything. he makes me feel supported and cared for, which kind of gives me a reason to live...and that's something i've struggled with. he has helped me through some things...i think. sometimes i'm not sure. it's hard to tell.

thank you. i'm not unaware of how damaging it would probably be, despite me wanting it so bad.

it's usually focused on me. i actually don't think he likes to talk about himself much because he says he's really messed up. but sometimes he does. last night he did more than usual. sometimes i feel like he just needs to get it off his chest. he says i know more about him than most people, definitely more than the rest of his clients. i like when he confides in me too...i wanna know everything about him lol

I've been seeing my therapist for about 3 years too. Mine is also pretty open, and will talk about his life if I ask. I have deep feelings of affection towards him and at times a romantic attraction.

However, he has *never* talked to me about his marriage in the way that your therapist is speaking with you. If he did, it would totally freak me out. It strikes me as inappropriate sharing.

I think therapists and clients can develop feelings of deep caring and love for each other and have it still remain an entirely professional and therapeutic relationship with proper boundaries.

I agree wholeheartedly with junkDNA that you do not want to get involved with this person. Such an experience would be harmful to you.

Are you guys doing work in your therapy sessions? Is he generally a good therapist and is he helping you improve your life outside of your therapy sessions?

I'm not sure what you want us to say. Do you want us to tell you "yes he's totally in love with you and will leave his wife for you"? As it's been pointed out many times on this forum, these relationships are ALWAYS harmful for the client. Your therapist shouldn't be telling you all this stuff about his marriage. This is your therapy, not his. None of this sounds therapeutic in the least.

thank you for your comment. and we do work i believe. he has helped me overcome some other unhealthy attachments in my life.

yeah, you're right. i guess it's just kinda hard to accept. thank you.

Been there. The psychiatrist was married. When I asked about his wife- "doesn't she miss you?" He said, "She has a picture of me." Three kids.

Never expected him to leave his wife, though he hinted he would. We were intimate...and more. It was a disaster.

Fast-forward more than twenty years- they are still married. She stayed with him even though he was arrested for keeping a 19 yo female patient against her will and had sex with her. She stayed with him even though his medical license was revoked for dishonesty and sex with patients. She stayed with him even though seven women reported him to the medical licensing board.

If he's hinting (or flat out saying) that he's in love with you, leave. Therapy isn't happening. You are paying him to talk about his problems? You are paying him to hint around like a child?

I've said this before and it's true- therapy stopped for me the minute he helped me with my buttons...probably before then.

Ask him what he means when he tells you about his marriage. Tell him he's over sharing. Therapy is about you. You drive therapy.

probably should. thanks!

It was most certainly not worth it in my situation

It starts with the decision to groom a vulnerable person

This is concerning because he's suggesting you're special and he says that he tells you stuff he wouldn't tell his other patients.

I have strong transference (mostly paternal) and attachment to my marriage counselor. At one point recently, I said how there was this part of me that wanted to know he thought I was special. At first, he said that he had to care about his patients all the same, or he wouldn't be a good therapist. So no patients were more special than any other. Then when I pushed more about it, saying how it was painful, he said, "You are special. Just as all of my patients are special." Even though that doesn't sound like much, it's what I needed to hear. But the important thing for the OP's situation is that he did NOT imply that I was more special than any other patient. That he cared about them all equally.

I feel like that's what a T is supposed to feel and say. If he's favoring you over other patients--and also telling you that he shares more with you than with others--that seems to send up a red flag. The fact that he's saying he's "messed up" also rings a bell for me, as someone who used to be drawn to "messed up" guys. Like he's all, "No, I'm too messed up," and you're like, "No you're not, you're not messed up to me." It's like he's looking for your reassurance, which isn't the role he should be playing.

Be careful...

Also, I don't think the groomer is always conscious of themselves doing this

AbusivePdoc made me feel special, too. You don't want to know how he treated me when he decided he was done with me.

I doubt he is actually planning to get a divorce. Unfortunately, married men will often act like their marriage is ending when they really just want to cheat. It's like the cliche of a married man claiming "My wife doesn't understand me" to justify cheating.

Unfortunately, I think it is definitely evidence that this guy has major problems of his own that he is treating you as a friend and a prospective mistress rather than as a therapy client. It's not at all appropriate for him to be unloading his personal problems (like being unhappy with his marriage) onto you. Don't you have enough problems of your own without also getting to worry about his problems? It's really quite selfish of him to do this to you.

Please don't let this guy use you. You can find a connection with a man who isn't your therapist that is better for you than what is happening here.

Once you expose them they wash their hands of you. Suddenly you are "unstable and crazy" , a liar.... when before you were "special" and "different"

If it hadnt been for your location and mention of a 3 year old I would have strongly suspected you were describing my first therapist, who treated me in much the same way and incidentally is also currently separated from his wife (which I know because he contacted me to tell me!).
I used to think what I had with him was therapeutic, and that he was making me happy and supporting me etc, but it was only when I took a break from him to process the transference with another therapist that I found out what therapy should look like. Believe me, this ain't it. You are paying money to meet his needs. What a sweet deal for him, and what a rip off for you.
Oversharing therapist inevitably means he hasn't got adequate support in his life, whether that be his own therapist or supervision or whatever else it takes not to use the client in this way. It makes me really sad to hear about therapists acting this way, on many levels.

The thing is inside that room he knows he is safe, nothing he says or does can go anywhere.
He has known you for a long time, and when his marriage was good he never said anything.
Now he wants out and suddenly there are new options all around.
I have read more posts than I care to mention about this type of situation.
And never ever has it ended well. The only person who loses is the client.
Be careful honey, he says you know him better than anyone, in My opinion an extremely leading remark.
If his boundaries are this loose with you, you just don't know that he isn't like that with others.
You also have no idea what the real reasons behind his bad marriage are.
You would be surprised how many therapists have terrible marriages because they can't be,wrong.

And how. Many of their wives will turn a blind eye and then support them through their trial.
Eugh, the list goes on.
Ultimately he is being careless, over sharing and giving you too much of his life. It does sound like he has just become too relaxed as opposed to vindictive and manipulative. But he will become aware at some point.
Then,
He can either help you like he is meant too or damage you like has happened to many others here.
And I would listen to them because 10-20 years on they are still deeply damaged by what happened to them.

And everyone of them would have said, "oh but my t isn't like that,he cares too much."


I am sorry this post sounds like a lecture, I guess it's become a bit of a trigger for me because I have read so much about the hurt and damage that has been caused by incompetent or just plain manipulative therapists.
It is heartbreaking to hear.

I guess that so long as you feel like it's your therapy, that your progressing towards being an independent functioning rationalizing individual, then your doing ok.
Please be careful, because it doesn't sound like he is.
Take care.

The ultimate goal of therapy is to learn to live for yourself, not to live for your therapist. By the time you've been in therapy for 3 years there should be some sense of wanting to live for yourself, not just for him.

Your therapist sounds quite manipulative. I don't believe he's looking to divorce his wife, I believe he's crossing boundaries with you.

There are loads of people who will gladly lead someone into a relationship - especially a sexual relationship - by having the person believe their current relationship is ending when the truth is, they have absolutely no plans at all to end the current relationship. They're just bored and frustrated, telling lies, avoiding truths. I know this for a fact, because I was someone who led a man into believing I would divorce my husband to be with the other man. Truth is, I had absolutely no intention of divorcing my husband. I was just bored and frustrated with my marriage (to a degree), and looking for another chance at youthful opportunity. Like all situations that start out with such chaos and deception, it ended absolutely horrifically for both the man and I.

You can do what you want to do, maybe that means getting into a sexual relationship with your therapist and it'll be thrilling for a second, but then WOW are you gonna get hurt and messed up. I can promise that.

And too, maybe this fantasy is kind of all in your head and your therapist would tell another story.

wow. you're all really truthful and helpful. thank you. i appreciate it.